She Comes First

Discussion in 'Sexual Foreplay and Techniques' started by HaplessRomantic, Jul 13, 2007.

  1. HaplessRomantic

    HaplessRomantic New Member

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    I'm curious to know if anyone here has read Dr. Ian Kerner's She Comes First - The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.

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    Personally I found it to be extremely informative. It's very witty, well-written, and (most importantly) it isn't condescending. It's got plenty of detailed info on male and female sexuality and their misconceptions, along with diagrams of female anatomy (which any man worth his salt should know!) and techniques as well. Basically it asks the reader (typically male, I guess) to place cunnilingus on a higher status in regards to the sexual act. Most men view oral sex as foreplay to penetration (or fucking, whichever you like), but this book asks you to treat your partner with reverence and put her needs before your own - hence the title. It's got an extensive break-down of the female orgasm - how you can tell she's close to coming (darkening in color of the labia, among other telltale signs). I've noticed a plethora of "Is my cock big enough?" threads around this place since I started lurking here, and I think a lot of that worry would be laid to rest if more men were willing to do what this book asks of them. It's a paradigm shift for the way we as men might typically view sex.

    I'm not above those worries, certainly, being average (if not slightly below) at just under 6" in length and just over 4" in girth, but my inadequacy issues with size are diminished with my growing knowledge of female anatomy and the female sexual response. Even though I'm a virgin I'm confident that I'll have at least some ability to please my partner without hopelessly floundering around and wondering what I'm doing down there. To quote from the book, "Sex is no longer penis-dependent, and we can let go of the usual anxieties about size, stamina, and performance. We are free to love with more of ourselves, with our entire self."

    I know this probably looks like some thinly-veiled attempt to sell copies of this book, but I've just got so much praise for it. The reason I posted this thread was to find out if any other members have read it, and if so, what your results have been from putting the knowledge found in this book into practice in the bedroom.

    EDIT - Also, I've noticed that since I joined I can't seem to find the Adult Multimedia forum. Is there any particular reason for this that I didn't notice in the rules?
     
  2. jaguar

    jaguar New Member

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    Cool, with you being a virgin when you do get to that point of having sex I think the girl will thank you for doing your homework!!! Good job, PS. I think you need 25 post to enter the MM.
     
  3. Jet Ranger

    Jet Ranger New Member

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    Yes, it is a very good book. I first found it in a bookstore at LAX.
     
  4. HaplessRomantic

    HaplessRomantic New Member

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    So Jet Ranger, did you put any of the specific techniques to use (like, say the perennial pinch)? Have you been able to bring your partner(s) to the point of orgasming pretty consistently using this book as a guide?
     
  5. cbrmale

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    If I was writing a book based on what I have learned over the past quarter-century, I would write one just like this. This is an excellent outlining of how real sex works. I bought it for my son so he is prepared for when the time comes.

    Regardless of whether you are well-endowed or average, what works is a guys oral skills! And yes, sex goes best when she comes first.
     
  6. Runtoyou

    Runtoyou New Member

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    The only thing better than when she comes first is if you can come at the same time! :)
     
  7. Bluesy

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    Thanks for reviewing what seems like a highly informative book :) I'd heard the title before, but didn't know anything about it. I think this is a great idea, talking about sex books we've found particularly helpful.

    FYI, you have to be a member for at least two days and have 25 posts under your belt before you're accorded full member privileges. Keep posting!

    Ha! The elusive and highly treasured dual orgasm! *sigh* Gotta love those :D
     
  8. cbrmale

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    The practical side of this book is:

    a) women rarely come through intercourse alone
    b) couples so rarely come at the same time that it is hardly worth mentioning

    which is why this book is such a practical reality check on achievable mutual sexual pleasure.

    How many partners have I had? An arithmetic estimate would be about a hundred. How many times have I had sex? An arithmetic estimate would be about 5,000. How many times have my partner and I come at the same time during intercourse - once.
     
  9. Howie_t

    Howie_t New Member

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    With me,My woman ALWAYS comes first.
     
  10. HaplessRomantic

    HaplessRomantic New Member

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    cbrmale makes a good point - an important focus on oral is that the majority of women just can't get off from penetration alone, which is why a strong knowledge of anatomy (where everything is located, what it connects to, what kinds of pressure works in what areas) is so crucial.
     
  11. cbrmale

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    I am lucky to be well-endowed, but more women have fallen for my tongue than ever fell for my penis (the first time you have sex with a woman, and her dreamy look because you took her to an orgasm she never expected and didn't fake). I was lucky to come across the importance of oral sex through other means, and I took it on myself to hone and practice my skills. This is why I think this book is so marvellous, because it is a practical guide to really good sex.

    And for those men who are concerned about size, if you can do this to a woman then she'll thnk you're the greatest lover in the world.
     
  12. Jet Ranger

    Jet Ranger New Member

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    My SO has significant sexual hang ups and she does have trouble reaching orgasm. The book confirmed my experiences and techniques I have used with others, though. I have yet to try all of his suggestions on my SO.

    It's hard to generalize, but I find that the basic premise of the book is correct as other reviewers here have stated. For most women, if you want to really please them, you need to devote some real quality time into foreplay and this book has great suggestions on how to do that. If your female partner isn't into being pleased orally, then it becomes a more formidable challenge. At times, my SO has allowed me to finger her, and most women I've experienced have commented that my finger alone can practically bring them to orgasm. A big part of it is understanding female sexual anatomy and the process of how they climax, which is different from a guy just shooting his load.
     
  13. tye

    tye New Member

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    I'm not well-endowed, but my wife cums first 90% of the time. I can then read the situation to know if I should be ready to do it again in a while, or if she wants to feel me cum.
     
  14. MikeDog

    MikeDog New Member

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    Happless I totally agree with the principle and have lived by it all my life. When I first saw the book I kind of laughed inside because I should why didn't I write that.

    I'm respectably-endowed so it really doesn't matter what the size of your penis is because this principle works for all. A woman is ultra-excited after she has orgasmed so the sex can be very passionate and satisfying. Depends on the woman of course but IMO a woman can really let go and be taken more roughly after she has cum because she is very hot and wet. Works for those who like a sensitive love-making session too because of the intimacy of oral sex.

    It's fine to sometimes want a quickie or just be taken on the spot but for the most part making her cum first is a great way to go.
     
  15. cbrmale

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    My experience as a well-endowed man is that if my wife doesn't orgasm before intercourse, she's probably not aroused enough and therefore my girth hurts her at first (and her tightness hurts me too). If she's orgasmed, and I give her a few moments for her sensitivity to drain away, and then it's all good.

    So for well-endowed men, the lessons in this book are probably more important.
     
  16. kxkx

    kxkx New Member

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    so true haha
     
  17. sexyvixen4

    sexyvixen4 New Member

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    Sounds like a good book! i might check it out, even though im a women....

    But it's true, women do need to cum or at least come very close to it before intercourse becuase it does hurt. It takes a lot longer for a women to get fully aroused than a man.
     
  18. antinora

    antinora New Member

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    always her first before anyone
     
  19. sdfilter

    sdfilter New Member

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    I listened to the audio version of this book. I thought it had a lot of good information, and generally agreed with the points made, but I personally didn't enjoy the author's style. Maybe it was just me, but on occasion, he seemed to be getting close to whining about feelings of personal inadequacy. I suspect that this had more to do with the tone of the narrator than anything else, but...

    You've peaked my curiosity again though. I couldn't finish listening to the audio version, but I may have to pick up the book and see if it goes any better.
     
  20. HaplessRomantic

    HaplessRomantic New Member

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    I never got a vibe that the author felt inadequate from reading the book. There's a brief section in the beginning of the book where he talks about his past troubles with premature ejaculation and some other things, but even then he didn't seem to whine. He was just showing that he's got his own sexual stigmas (like we all do) and that putting an emphasis on ample foreplay and attentive/tender pussy eating helped him to overcome those stigmas.