Sexual Orientation Discussion w/ Family

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by 10_3XL, Aug 20, 2014.

  1. 10_3XL

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    As many of you know I come from a rather Conservative and Orthodox background. This had pretty thoroughly "crippled" my views on sex and sexuality for many long years. It has not been until recently (i.e. the last two years; big emphasis on the last few months since I joined SF) that much exploring and self-discovery have occurred and also many long standing truths to finally be admitted. One of those things that can be gleaned from some of my postings (but I haven't outright said) would be a fairly strong bisexual tendency in myself. The only reason I refer to it as a tendency rather than a definitive part of my sexuality is because I haven't had any "real world" experience with other men and (sexual) relationships - not that couldn't be passed off as what I term "Everyone was really drunk then yadda-yadda-yadda I kissed Brad" type moments.

    I've talked with D about this, so she knows and accepts it. (Her exact reaction was, "Yes, and...?" So clearly she places little emphasis on it. Which is nice. :p)
    I feel it's important, though, that I get the subject out of the way with my family so that I don't have it as a "dirty secret" or an additional burden on my shoulders with them. There are already enough of those, I don't need one more eggshell to walk on. :eek:

    So my question is: What's some advice on discussing such "hard hitting" matters with your family? Especially if anyone has any tips in regards to advice on handling the Conservative/Orthodox angle...

    Note: This is already awkward and difficult enough for me to post, so please potential trolls and flamers save it for another thread.
     
    #1 10_3XL, Aug 20, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2014
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  2. HotForHoney

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    Have you considered the "you always want what you can't have" angle?

    Family/culture said gay is wrong. You want the apple.

    Unless I read it wrong, you don't have any "real life experience" with a man. Is it physical or emotional? Maybe you should be with a man (or two) before you decide to tell the family.

    Honestly, I had similar "crippled views" of sex (not orientation) until recently. Guilt is a powerful force.

    Unless your parents are telling you what happens in their bedroom, as long as you are safe/happy, what business is it of theirs what goes on in your bedroom?
     
  3. JonJo

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    Whilst I do not share your tendancy I can just about understand your problem - with finally admitting it openly to yourself (and D)
    Having admitted it is natural to you why do you refer to it as "dirty", it is apart from D and this forum, now just a secret.
    I cannot understand why you feel it is necassary for you future happiness to adit it to your parents?
    If they are as 'Conservative & Orthodox' as you say wouldn't you telling them cause them unhappiness?
    So facing the quandry of your happiness causing them unhappiness isn't it your 'duty' as a 'good son' to care about their happiness more than your own - and keep stum.
    You are, I hope, not likely to suddenly start running rampant, approaching men in inappropriate places and getting your name all over the papers - so if you don't tell them how will they ever get to know of your "dirty secret"?
    I think your need/urge to tell them is a sign of other earlier 'conditioning', which it is time you broke free from and became your own man - living your life for you, not them, with your own 'tendancies' (and secrets) not those you were 'conditioned' to have..
     
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  4. 10_3XL

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    Mostly it is the physical, but there is definitely an emotional aspect to it as well - if it was strictly sexual and there was no emotion then I would discredit it as nothing more than curiosity.
    You present a good point in regards to "What business is it of theirs?" It really isn't, and I'm on the fence about even bothering to discuss it with them. (And, yes, guilt is a very powerful force for me.)

    I put "dirty" in quotes to show that wasn't my view on it. I don't view bi- or homosexuality as "dirty" at all - if it is someone's natural inclination and is harming no one else, then what does it matter? That is largely my philosophy on Life in general...
    Yes, admitting it to either of my parents would probably cause them unhappiness - or at least discomfort and confusion.
    No, I'm not gonna go around groping men in bars or pulling them into dark alleyways. :p
    I hadn't considered that this "need" to "confess" to my family is probably a result of the self-same conditioning that makes out many things to be "wrong."

    Much thinking to do...
     
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  5. armadillo

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    As a gay man myself, I know it can be a very hard thing to do, and if you feel it's necessary, it's something you should definitely pursue.

    However, in your situation, I don't know that it's entirely necessary. It sounds like being with men is something you would enjoy along side your heterosexual relationship? If that's the case, I think you'd be better off just not telling the family, and saving them the stress you indicate that out well cause them.

    If, in the future, you start to identify as gay, and your family's views start to get in the way of your life, that's when it would be important to tell them.
     
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  6. 10_3XL

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    I don't identify as Gay - nor do I think that identifying as homosexual is something that will occur in my life. I'm relatively certain that I would have had far more indication of that being me by now - even with my upbringing and such. That and all of the tendency and interest do tend more heavily towards the physical/sexual, but again there is a definite emotional element to it. How much of that is due to the fact that for me sexual/physical relationships are inextricable from at least some emotion I couldn't say at this point. I'm suffering from a classic case of Confused Naive Young Man Syndrome. :p
    I'm not sure that adding another male element to my relationship is something I want, in spite of tendencies/curiosity/whatever-you-want-to-label-it. At least, not as far as I have come with my personal relationship/sexual identity as of now.
    I've (admittedly quite recently) accepted that polyamorous relationships and partner sharing work for some, but I do not count myself in that number. That and it is not something that D has ever expressed any interest in or desire for, and ours is an equal partnership. I'm not going to put her at odds because of what I want and I know she reciprocates this sentiment. If ever it becomes something that needs discussing it will be, but for the time being it's "null and void."
    Like I said in my above response: I'm still really on the fence about talking to my family in regards to this matter. Lots of uncertainty as to whether my feelings are valid/legitimate enough to merit bringing up as a fact of Who I Am... Time and thought...
     
  7. Li_hog_rider

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    Just don't do as my daughter did about 3years ago was send me a txt dad I'm bi and moving in with my girlfriend after HS. Me and me ex are open minded and she was scared to tell us.
     
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  8. 10_3XL

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    No, that would not happen. Product of the Modern Era I may be, but some things deserve a face-to-face; not a text/email/phone call.
     
  9. armadillo

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    Yeah, I think it would be best to just not tell them. Especially if you think it may cause a rift. If it's not part of your life, and you don't identify as gay (or even bisexual, for that matter) it's probably not worth it.

    Ignorance is bliss, in their case.
     
  10. AGFUNK

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    Don't tell them. You reallyvare not sure yet and really unless you plan on dating a man I would just let it be.
     
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  11. Doitagain

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    Cool for you. Personally I don't think you should feel the need to tell them for a couple reasons. One like others said you pretty much have thoughts and feeling towards the bi side. Second , unless you want to come clean with them because you are gay and will never have babies no see no reason to share your sex life with your parents. You are what you are and you like what you like but in the bedroom is your thing. Unless you want to say " hey I like guys so uhhhh, no grandchildren for you "to them I'd say keep it to whoever it may affect or you just want to tell. I never tell my parents anything like that, not because I am afraid of what they think I just don't care and feel no need to get input on " hey ma, I totally had a threesome..High five !? ". You get what I'm saying?
     
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  12. lbushwalker

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    I'm with those above saying to keep this to yourself.
    Your folks would never understand and in all probability turn their backs in you or if not then they in turn will be ostracised by their peers.
    No dude, live your life the way you see fit and let others do likewise. There is no shame in saving them pain.
     
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  13. Li_hog_rider

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    I have done a lot sexually that I would never tell my family. The only reason your family should know if you decide to go and say mom dad this is my bf and yes I am gay
     
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  14. 10_3XL

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    Thanks all for the input. Still devoting time and thought to this - 100% certainty before any announcements. Glad to get such a response and so much food for thought. :)
     
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  15. Joys

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    First off, I am replying to this without reading, even looking at other replies (right click reply/open link in new tab). Second, I personally have not gleaned that; my dumbness.

    Again, first off second time, "tendency" is a word you can stretch and play with. What bisexual tendency do you find with yourself? Are you attracted to same sex? Do you desire same sex? Do you crave for same sex and go out looking?? What's the limit? Real word experience will not explain tendency, you may not be bi even if you had a real world experience or you may be bi even if you have not.

    Again, second for the second time, you say and as far as I know you, you are from a rather Conservative and Orthodox background where such "tendency" is considered not only sin, but "sick". No religion and no orthodox background can keep an open mind closed. If your mind is observing, questioning, wondering, you will have thoughts of the "other side" of life which was not taught to you. Like accepting bisexuality or homosexuality a part of life and what people choose to be (much often), and it is as "normal" as being heterosexual. But being brought up hiding away from these realities, you could be misidentifying yourself. I suggest you be careful about that.

    Closing my post, I must make clear that I have nothing against bisexuality or homosexuality and I find it as a funny discrimination.

    I will read other replies now
     
  16. Joys

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    Oh sorry I missed the real question here. I, in my sincere honest opinion, would not advise you to discuss such "hard hitting" matters with a Conservative/Orthodox family until you are absolutely sure about yourself. You do not have to make yourself understood and accepted and there is no reason to put some elderly people in grief - who would be in grief because they believe it's a sin and moreover "sick" as I stated above. Besides, you are not marrying a guy so you need to invite them to your wedding. Just live your life, be happy and keep the old folks happy with as less as they know.
     
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  17. Joys

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    And oh yes,I forgot to quote on this too. I know your affection to her and seems like you are perfectly open to her, it's not everybody's take to come clear with this. And her reaction is..... what I'd say "superb"
     
  18. Joys

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    [QUOTE="10_3XL, post: 481529, member: 61938" if it is someone's natural inclination and is harming no one else, then what does it matter? [/QUOTE]
    It would matter if it makes harms your elderly folks emotionally but it is your choice of life and love
     
  19. Joys

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    Most of you all know by now my "tendency" and desire to share my wife and/or to see her sexually pleasured by someone(s) else. I have told her because it is related to her but I find no reason to go and confess this desire to her or my family or even if it happens, we still do not need them to know
     
  20. backcheck64

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    I grew up with "hippies", they didn't dress the part, but my parents are pretty open, even growing up in a very Catholic family. They had gay and mixed race friends while I was growing up and I and my sisters had friends of every race and sexual orientation. My kids have friends of damn near every race and sexual orientation. While all of us are straight, it wouldn't really phase anyone in my family if someone came out. How much do you rely on your family? Emotional or financial support? If you're independent of them, I personally would just say it. If you are relying on them for support, you might want to wait until you're absolutely sure of your feelings. If your parents are that conservative, be prepared to be cut off if you come out. And if they bring up grandkids, both of my sisters are straight, yet neither had kids. I'm the only one to give them grandkids... and yes they spoil my two.
     
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