sexual frustration...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by rockhard87, Aug 19, 2011.

  1. rockhard87

    rockhard87 New Member

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    Well ive seen alot of these threads about sex issues between married couples and i hate to add to them but i feel like i need to talk to other people about this other than just my wife.
    My wife and i have been together almost 8 years and married for 2 have a beautiful 3 year old daughter who is our world two APBT's bought our first house together last October and we are only 23. We both work fulltime jobs she works 3rd shift an i work 2nd shift and often work a lot of overtime and usually work between 40-80hrs weekly. I love my wife very much and we tell each other many times daily we make sure yo have just us time every week since during the week i only see he when she wakes me and when i leave for work i wake her to tell her bye.
    The issue. i have a extreamly high sex drive compaired to hers to the point she has called me a perv. lol im not into anything kinky and we dont use toys just since i always want her and tell her and try she calls me a perv. anyway enough of that. We have sex maybe once a week sometimes once every two-three weeks. she has always been a little too conservitave imo ever since we have been together. what really bothers me is i want her so much everyday that i constantly think about her and sex with her and things we do when we have sex. in return im constantly aroused and do not have her around or willing to please me. i try whenever we have time together with a nice kiss and hug or complement and sometimes jump in the shower with her and kiss her and she just isnt in to it.
    In the past few months we have come a long way and we talk alot about it and she says she understands my needs and we talk about trying iffrent things and in return i get extreamly turned on and then i get rejected and she goes to sleep. ive gotten to the point that it bothers me so much that it can ruin my whole day and i get very stressed out. i guess i get to the point where i feel like maybe i dont turn her on like she does me. idk i know this is such a generic topic but i thought id get it off my chest. there may be alot of confusion in the post to but i tend to ramble anyway here it is.
     
  2. Meee

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    I've been seeing a pattern in posts like this. The guy says he tries to get his wife in the mood with hugs, stroking her hair, and so on. He almost always does it when they're doing something else, like watching TV or "doing things" around the house. And all of you say it doesn't work.

    Well of course it doesn't work. You're married. You're busy. This isn't high school when you put your arm around her in the movie theater. Treat sex as an adult activity. Make time for it, plan it, don't just hint at it. Have the kid stay with the grandparents overnight. Have a date together. Make sex part of a whole romantic break from everything else. Say no to overtime if you have to. Take some time off and make it a mini-vacation.

    You will not have sex every day when she works full time and you work double and you have a three-year old and you're adults with adult lives. When she goes to sleep it's because adults need their sleep. So rest up and make time for sex and make the most of that time.

    And welcome to the site.
     
  3. RideNaked2

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    I am going to have to agree with Meee. Being in my 40's and my children are all grown..also having been once married for close to 20 years, then divorced and now with T for little over 10 years.

    While it is a wonderful to hug, stoke your wife's hair and such while doing things around the house..keep doing those things by all means! Don't stop them as they are some of the things that "show" her that you love her (just a few I'm sure). It is not the things that get her in the "mood" for sex. The biggest complaint that I have heard from many of my friends and other women (including my adult daughter that has a daughter of her own..) is that there isn't "time" for sex when you have young children and both working full-time..especially working over time. Make a "date night" or as Meee suggested, a mini vacation..a night or two away. Leave your daughter with a grand-parent or friend for a night/weekend..take some adult time. When you have that adult time - MAKE THE MOST OF THAT TIME. Don't waste it. Use it wisely, especially if you don't get to do it very much. Something that my parents gave me and my ex-spouse for Christmas - was 12 certificates that included $50 and a free night of babysitting. If your or your spouses' parents are close enough..maybe you can suggest something like this from them..they don't have to add the money..just the babysitting can be HUGE!

    Good luck and welcome!
     
  4. rockhard87

    rockhard87 New Member

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    Well part of the issue is we DO make date nights and plan or times together or atleast that's what implied but it rarely emds like that. Like last friday she was stressed from watching our little girl and her little friend all day and we both were kinda short with each other before I went to work. Not long after I got to work she text me and told me she was sorry that she was frustrated and in bad mood and that she loved me. Later that evening she texed me and said that saturday we needed time for us! Then later called me and said that the baby was spending the night with her sister and that she would wait up for me so when I got home I showered up and layed down with her and she would barely let me hold her :/. Saturday we went out and were to ourselves most of the day and more or less the same thing happend and when I would go stright to the point she would say later later. Then sunday I more or less had to force my self on her and even then it had no passion to it and sadld not completely satisfying mainly from how I had to get to this point. We even laid in bed and talked about all this for a few hours saturdaynight the night before till we fell asleep and then this happend. Needless to say all week I've just been frustrated. We've talked about trying for another little one but that would actualy mean we have to have sex!!!!! Ugh.
     
  5. cbrmale

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    To be quite frank, white people don't know how to raise children, and they often overdo the child-rearing (which isn't really that hard). Consequently, they have little energy left for anything else, including sex. The trick from my experience is to go back beyond the making a date for sex and think about whether it's stressful staying at home with a young daughter and her friend (it isn't). If it is stressful, then something's wrong at that level.

    My wife and I had a wonderful sex life, and thinking back it was because she was better able to manage children then (and now when she has to). Children had their place, she had her place, I had my place, and all of our places fitted together.

    Children aren't fragile like porcelain dolls, and they don't break into pieces if you turn your back on them for a second. See how much freedom with responsibility you can let them have, and make sure you build solid and consistent boundaries around what is and isn't acceptable behaviour, and you will be able to raise your children the way that Africans (and many other societies) do it. Giving a child responsible freedom within rigid boundaries does take a lot of the effort out of parenting, and enables that effort to be channelled into more productive endeavours, like good sex.
     
  6. rockhard87

    rockhard87 New Member

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    i do agree with that very much. when i grew up i knew right from wrong and spent alot of time doing my own thing and which allowed my parents to do their own thing. she gets after me and says i dont watch her when we are outside and im in the garage working but the dogs watch her and dont let anything happen to her but thats the loving nature of the apbt. anyway i try to tell her she just needs to relax more and not take everything so personaly but it usualy does not work. im one that is so burnt out from being at work all week that i just wanna stay home and be with her and our girl but she constantly needs us to go places when we are off. we had a bad argument over the winter about it and there for i know two months we didnt have sex and was always at each others throats. at the time every friday i would work 17hr days and mon-thurs was 12hr days and she complained about me sleeping......well um i believe thats something thats needed. i will admit im not one to clean very well but cooking and taking care of the dogs and vehicles and yard work is up my alley. one day when she was bitching at me i snaped and told her how i felt and was very very honest about it to the point i had her in tears and since then things are better but the sex is still kind of hit or miss.
     
  7. 33stack

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    QUOTE=cbrmale;315937]To be quite frank, white people don't know how to raise children

    Guess that explains all those failing white societies. I'll admitt, when it comes to raising succesful children, the U.S. is no Uganda.......
     
  8. cbrmale

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    If you went to Uganda, you would see something like I described. The political situation of a country in no way reflects the way the way that children get raised. Two different issues entirely.

    I will give you an example of when I was in Zimbabwe in the mid-1980s. My wife is one of the youngest of a large family of 16. The day after I arrived we had a family get-together, which would have been about a dozen of her brothers and sisters and their wives, husbands and children. All had children, two or three, as they were all older and had been married for some time (her oldest brotheri is 18 years older than my wife, for example). So the parents were inside the house and the 30 or so children, all cousins, were outside. During a number of hours there was not one single issue with the children: not one argument, fight, child running into the house in tears or anything. They were outside happily playing. In reality the older children looked after the younger, an African way of doing things, without actually being told to do this. They knew this was their responsibility because they were older. Looking after younger children, cousins and so on, is a great way to learn how to look after your own, when you finally have children yourself. My wife already had a lot of experience and confidence with babies and children through looking after her nephews and nieces from her older brothers and sisters.

    After that day I realised they have something that our society lacks, and I decided to follow my wife's lead in raising our children. And the way they do it is as I posted: a lot of freedom within consistent boundaries of behaviour. Africans don't overdo things, which means adults have time and energy for adult things, and the children don't get spoiled but learn to look after themselves, which is a very good thing to learn.
     
  9. CaliMike

    CaliMike Member

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    Why does this have to be a race issue? Everyone has different ways of doing things. To say that skin color has anything to do with it is fucking intellectually lazy.
     
    #9 CaliMike, Aug 20, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2011
  10. cbrmale

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    It's a cultural issue and skin colour has nothing to do with it (I should have written Anglos have no clue about raising children...). Some cultures understand child-rearing better than others, and that doesn't necessarily include coloured (or whatever they call themselves) people in the US, because they are culturally a long way removed from their African roots (nothing like true Africans at all).

    I think we can learn a lot from those who manage to raise children to be well-behaved, self-sufficent members of society, and in the process expend a lesser amount of effort to achieve a better outcome.
     
  11. 33stack

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    Its all subjective. I disagree however that the way a society raises its children has no effect on the condition of the society at large, politically or otherwise. (the political comment was a strawman anyway IMO) ;)
     
  12. Meee

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    /hijack!


    Rockhard, I'm still hearing communication issues and hinting and not really making time and so on. You say you make dates, but then you say "or at least that's what's implied." She waited up for you after a tiring day, but you can't really expect that to be a good time. You have arguments and frustrations in your marriage that aren't about sex, but of course they're going to affect your sexual relationship too.

    I think this thread shouldn't even be about sexual frustration. It's about frustration generally. Work on the stresses in your life, and you'll probably find your sex life improving too.
     
  13. cbrmale

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    To understand where African dicatatorships come from you need to understand sub-Saharan African culture better, and not view it from an Anglo-European democratic one person one vote viewpoint. For thousands of years African society was based on the benevolant chief ruling his tribe, and only in very recent times, a few decades, have they attempted to transition to democracy. The Amins, the Mugabes are NOT anything to do with bad child-rearing and everything to do with reversion to traditional African chiefdom.

    The BIG problem is in the interim, Anglo-European colonialisation created very arbitrary 'countries' which encompassed many diverse tribes and often split tribes across international boundaries. Africans typically settled along rivers and used rivers for trading, and the borders of countries were often set along the same rivers, splitting and amalgamating tribes. So you have a leader of a given tribe who's the chief of a country, but other tribes in that country don't want to know about him because he's not part of their tribe, and their leader should be chief. Hence the conflicts.

    So briefly, when the British and Europeans colonised Africa they screwed it right over, and what they left will never heal. But that doesn't take away from the fact that the majority of Africans are good, decent and honest people.
     
  14. Maverick

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    Italians just slap the crap outta their kids. I was beat with a belt if I did wrong. I'm Italian and was reared great. I have a total different view on things then CBRMale, but I respect his opinions.
     
  15. MILF_Rider

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    Sounds normal, but too wordy for me to figure out the question...

    I'd also note that I've seen that this problem seems to be worst with first children until a second child comes along (yes ourselves) and when parents have an only child.

    Our problem is a little different, it's a tough one for me to comment on because my wife reads here but doesn't post... She would have a different perspective than mine, but since I'm the one posting I'll give my perspective. She is obsessive about cleanliness. It's not that I'd always leave things trashed on my own, but when she's not around to object that's what I do. I let the kids play without the iron fist she has about them not dumping stuff all over.

    I've gotta work on that, subject for a different time and really what I should've said is we've got to work on it. Not asking for advice.

    The central point you probably need is that you need to open your mind to the possibility that this isn't about sex, because that's probably the case, quite often it's about trust and communication.
     
  16. Marcpatrick

    Marcpatrick New Member

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    Why do men make this mistake over and over? If you want regular sex, don't get married.
     
  17. pbs

    pbs
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    Sorry, but I have to disagree. If you're married and not getting all the sex you want, you married the wrong woman. With most people either living together before marriage, or at least having sex, I think it probably takes either deception, desperation, or a misplaced sense of values to get hitched to the wrong person these days.
     
  18. rockhard87

    rockhard87 New Member

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    I honestly think a large part of our problem is our work scheduals. Her mentality is more for a person who would work a daylaight job not a 3rd shift job and she has a hard time working 3rd and me on the other hand can work nights and it not phase me at all. My problems is I chave a problem getting to sleep so when she tries to wake me up she gets pissed because I'm dead to the world and takes me an hour to wake up where she can almost just right out of bed and go. I will try to go lay with her sometimes just to hold her and she hates it cause I always wake her :/.
     
  19. ohgeesh

    ohgeesh New Member

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    Men and women are different...of course there are exceptions but by and large just different. The cliche's are true .....a man needs to have sex to feel close.....and a woman needs to feel close to have sex. I am just like you except I've been married for almost 15 yrs, both work, school, kids, soccer, etc the difference is like you at the end of the day I would want nothing more than sex.....while she usually does not. See a pattern??

    The need is totally different as guys we obsess, we think about every nuance, we plan, all for the sake of having sex. Most woman its if everything.g else is in check then maybe we can have sex.

    I became like Mr.mom and the breadwinner and still sex was about the same...1-3 times a week. After years of talking, sharing, being gut wrenchingly open, I've finally accepted in my relationship this is how it is.

    I want sex no matter what while she is fine with much less frequency. Good luck
     
  20. Dicksucker69

    Dicksucker69 New Member

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    From womans point of view, I know I'm much more willing and havw more energy when he helps me out around the house and with the kids. I'm gone from 630 am to 730 pm due to work, I dont have energy after dishes, laundry, dinner, and the kids for sex. If he helps even with one of those tasks, I am more eager to please him.


    And to this cbr guy, I am VERY white and my parents (who are also very white) brought not only me, but my siblings up with manners, common sense, and the brains to know when to not open my mouth about an opinion that only belittles yourself. U really should think about what you say before u say it. Yet another thing my white parents taught me.