Sexless Marriages

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Barbwire, Mar 15, 2010.

  1. Barbwire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    9,789
    Likes Received:
    174
    Gender:
    Female
    This is a question for those of you that are in sexless or near sexless marriages. How do you cope with it? I'm talking about emotionally as well as physically.
     
  2. HardRocker

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2006
    Messages:
    5,719
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    No answers yet huh. Okay, I'll bite. We don't have a sexless marriage, but our activity comes in spurts of frequent activity for a couple of weeks, and them wanes to nothing for a month or more. I think part of it is that my wife is fairly recently post-menopausal and she hasn't adjusted to her changes yet. I guess the same can be said of my adjustment to it too. I suppose that's a project worth working on.

    But to address the point of the thread, the down periods are very frustrating for me, and I believe for her too. I know she doesn't want to not be horney like she was before the big M. The way it affects me is that at first, I can take matters into hand and get by with no problem for a while, But after a point I gradually become agitated and generally uptight.

    I start waking up in the mornings, sporting wood of course, and caress and pet. We spoon and I pull her close tightly to me while I'm pressing my increasingly sticky hardness into her buns. I reach around and gently squeeze one of her amazingly pert tits and stroke my hand softly down her soft stomach while I stretch forward and kiss her on the neck, sucking slightly. She will moan softly and turn her head and return my kiss on the lips and we nibble for a moment as I relax with wisps of erotic dreams still floating in and out of the edge of my conciousness, and move my hand down further until I feel the softness of her pubic mound. I rub lightly, feeling her thin fuzz tickling my fingertips. After I linger for a moment I caress, sliding my warm fingers up her smooth belly teasing the indention of her bellybutton. With increasing hardness beginning to throb and glistening precum aching to do it's ultimate job, pressing tighter into her butt, my hand slips from her warm pubis to her knee, coaxing her beautiful legs to spread and allow me that wonderful access to her warm tightness, she turns onto her side facing me, leaning on her elbow and says, You want coffee?

    And she gets out of bed, putting on her bathrobe and walking to the kitchen and the sounds of feeding the cat, putting a couple of dishes in the dishwasher and pouring coffee. Back into the room she comes handing me my coffee and disappears out into the house to do WHOTHEFUCKKNOWSWHAT!

    So, does that give you an idea of what it feels like? After my heart slows down, maybe I'll come back and post another installment.
     
  3. Hot Wheels

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2006
    Messages:
    3,415
    Likes Received:
    37
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sydney,Australia
    Due to my wifes heart condition, our sex-life stopped dead about 3-4 years ago.
    For me, it's more a physical need than emotional.....every other aspect of our lives together is fine.
    I love my wife and her physical problems are not her fault, and I know that this situation frustrates her just as much as it does me.....others have suggested leaving her but that's something I would never do.....
    Sure, it's a pain....and I've developed this amazing relationship with my right hand :jerkit but I do comfort myself with knowing that theres a lot more people out there with more problems than I've got....so it can't be all bad.
    Iv'e been fortunate enough to have some long-term friends who have included me in their sex lives as an extra in a threeway situation (with my wifes knowledge) but they live 6 hours away so it's not like it's a regular sort of thing.
    Besides, the doctor has told us that, given time, the situation may improve someday....we live in hope:nerv
     
  4. outofmymind

    outofmymind Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2007
    Messages:
    164
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    I have known couples where the sex very rarely happened. But the ones I have known like that ended up getting divorced. I have never known a sexless or sex deprived couple that actually stayed married. You just don't cope with it, plain and simple.

    Somewhere I read or heard that sex is the number one cause for divorce, money is the number two reason. Or it could have been the other way around, I don't remember. But it should be clear that good sex is important in a relationship, so it's something that you should always keep yourself educated on. Whether it be from reading books or frequenting these forums or whatever.
     
  5. Hot Wheels

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2006
    Messages:
    3,415
    Likes Received:
    37
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sydney,Australia
    .
     
    #5 Hot Wheels, Mar 16, 2010
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2010
  6. lbushwalker

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2006
    Messages:
    6,964
    Likes Received:
    5,077
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    'Stralia Mate!
    Well my experience has been something like this;
    32 years of marriage, the first ten bliss, the next ten not too bad (ok we are busy and bringing up kids) the next 5 we hardly communicate, 5 more and everything has gone..........
    Stayed faithful doing everything possible solo until 3 years ago then knowing there is no love left decided to see the world and what a world it is!
    No looking back now, I live, I love and boy do I fuck and get fucked handsomely in return!!!!
     
  7. Barbwire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    9,789
    Likes Received:
    174
    Gender:
    Female
    During the course of my marriage the amount of lovemaking has varied drastically. When hubby and I were dating, we fucked like bunnies. Then, after being together for about 1 1/2 years, we had a son, got married, rented a house and bought a house then sold the house, rented another house and finally bought the house we live in now.

    The stress was so overwhelming there was a period of about 8 years where my husband and I only made love about once every two weeks and I masturbated maybe once a week. I have never felt so alone in my life. If my husband approached me for sex, quite often I rejected him because I was too tired. H eeventually gave up asking altogether, and that made me feel like he didn't want me anymore. I fell into a deep depression and at times wished I was dead.

    I was stuck at home alone with a small child with no job. When I met my husband I was working on a horse farm 6 days a week and was fit as a fiddle. Due to my depression and lack of activity, I gained 80 lbs. within a very short period of time.

    Then, I turned 40 and my life turned upside down again, but this time I landed right side up. I started to explore things of a sexual nature on the internet and it boosted my libido. I joined SF and got a lot of valuable information. I shared my pain, my frustration, and my sorrow with the SF community and in return for my candor, I was rewarded by the kindness of people from all over the world.

    I've met some wonderful people that have helped me learn to communicate and I've applied those skills to my relationship with my husband. Because of that life is just better and better. We still have our ups and downs but, we learned to work through things via open and honest communication.

    This all has been very beneficial to my marriage. My husband and I are having some truly wonderful sexual adventures together. and they have strengthened our bond. I'm glad we stuck it out through the rough years because things are pretty damned decent right now and it was worth the wait.

    Eeek! I've certainly rambled on, haven't I? I guess my point is, if you are involved in a stagnant marriage where sex is sporadic or non-exisitant that doesn't mean you should just bail on the one you are married to. It doesn't mean you have to cheat on them, either.

    There are ways of turning things around, is what I'm saying.
     
  8. outofmymind

    outofmymind Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2007
    Messages:
    164
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    I base what I say by couples that I have known. Maybe there are couples who stay married forever in a sex deprived marriage. But I have never known anyone to admit that, have you?
     
  9. Barbwire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    9,789
    Likes Received:
    174
    Gender:
    Female
    Out, dude! If you took the time to read Hot Wheels posts, you would realize he's trying to tell you that couples can stay together in a sexless marriage for years and years.

    I know of another member here who has been married to the same woman for over 40 + years. So, there, you have two examples. Oh, and count me in as well. So, that makes three in this little cyber community.

    If sex is all you are after in a marriage, then yeah, it will fail if the sex does. If you are in a marriage for the love, lack of sex does not make the marriage fail.

     
  10. outofmymind

    outofmymind Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2007
    Messages:
    164
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    You are not near sexless the way you post :ugh

    I think our definition of near sexless is vague :dance
     
  11. Barbwire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    9,789
    Likes Received:
    174
    Gender:
    Female
    Hon, I think you forgot to read my previous post. If you scroll down, you will see where I explained my sexual history and the 8 year sex drought my husband and I went through.
     
  12. outofmymind

    outofmymind Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2007
    Messages:
    164
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    I did read it, that was just a phase you went through. But that happens to a lot of people after kids. Looks like you both made an effort to correct it which is fine. It's the people that do nothing about it that get divorced.
     
  13. Barbwire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    9,789
    Likes Received:
    174
    Gender:
    Female
    True, but there are those that stay together and live out their married lives sans sex. Are they all miserable? I bet a lot are, but they are not ALL miserable.

    What I'd hoped to discuss in this thread was not the divorce rate amonst people in sexless marriages. What I'd hoped to find was how people are coping with it. Ya dig?
     
  14. outofmymind

    outofmymind Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2007
    Messages:
    164
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    O.k and I cannot answer that because I have never known anyone like that to exist. Maybe you can ask whatever couple you know who is like that how they cope?
     
  15. Barbwire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    9,789
    Likes Received:
    174
    Gender:
    Female
    I figure why ask just one couple when I can come here and ask the world?
     
  16. Dreama

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2006
    Messages:
    3,890
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    I'm definitely with CL on this one. Some people are actually in it for the love, and the sex is a much needed perk. Sometimes, things just happen in people's lives where they cannot or don't want to have sex for some reason. Sometimes,this can be medically addressed, sometimes changing the dynamic of the relationship is what it takes. However, it seems to me that you are just plain ignorant; have you ever left a sick wife because she didn't put out? If not, I don't think you have the experience to speak for the world.
     
  17. HardRocker

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2006
    Messages:
    5,719
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    ...For better or for worse, In sickness and in in health... There's no divorce in that. People really should ask themselves in the mirror if they are confident that they can keep that promise before they speak it. It's probably a bad idea if you say it with just a few years worth of sex in mind.

    If you're best friends with each other, having a low sex marriage is easier.
     
  18. igor

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2006
    Messages:
    4,110
    Likes Received:
    163
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Chicago area
    " If you're best friends with each other, having a low sex marriage is easier. "

    True HR. In my 47 years of marriage, the last 6 have been sexless except for about 3 months intermittently. The wife has been plagued with various medical problems involving the heart (heart attack, bypass surgery, pacemaker) and back (cracked & bulging vertebra and stenosis). She also suffers anxiety and depression and is much overweight. On top of that she may have dementia or may have suffered a small stroke so there are memory problems.

    So in spite of her rarely being a willing sexual partner, it is rare that we seem to be able to get together, and she never initiates contact. After a while I quit trying. I like to get off as much as any guy but I don't enjoy the experience if my partner is not into it. I become apathetic, angry, sad, and/or depressed. I find it harder to become physically aroused any more even though mentally I still think of sex often. Coping? well there is masturbation, of course. I was told to find one positive thing each day and focus on that. I try. Sometimes it helps. There are days when I don't even care to go home after work. I have chatted on line with some people and that has been a support also.
     
  19. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2007
    Messages:
    2,647
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    There are things more important than sex. Emotional intimacy is a big one. Those two normally go together of course, but in cases where they can't for some reason, I'd certainly take fabulous emotional intimacy over fabulous sex (although I want both of course).

    Sooner or later, we'll all be just too damn old or sick to fuck! LOL. If sex was the ony thing you had, then what's left? I'm quite a believer that it's worth putting the effort into building strong emotional intimacy (ie. a very deep and loving friendship)...even in the face of sex-related difficulties, this is a huge step in keeping your marriage cheat-proof.

    If you are a decent-looking person with a good personality, male or female, sex is quite easy to find. A deep emotional connection is not.

    BassDude
     
    #19 BassDude, Mar 17, 2010
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2010
  20. lbushwalker

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2006
    Messages:
    6,964
    Likes Received:
    5,077
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    'Stralia Mate!
    Cl, I have been away for a bit and the change I read in you is astounding.
    You are still very much opinionated but in addition also much more mellow and tolerant of differing views.
    I believe you have grown as a person and also your evident happiness shines through as does your caring for those hurting and in need.
    If you could cuddle the world I reckon you would do it!
    I rejoice in your tolerance & acceptance of differences and and believe many other here would concur with this notion.
    Always you posts are interesting, intelligent yet still refreshingly candid.
    Atta Girl!