Sexless marriage

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Joboo6, Oct 4, 2015.

  1. Joboo6

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    My wife is a very attractive 50 something and I am said to be attractive as well. My wife went through menopause a few years ago and lost interest in sex. She didn't stop right away she just always seemed uninterested. About one year ago she just started refusing altogether. Once this happened she claims her vagina walls became thin and to uncomfortable for sex. I'm not ready to stop so she got a script from her Gyno for vagasil I think, but I couldn't get her to use it. Last attempt at sex was so painful sounding from her I pulled out the couple of inches I got in and told her I couldn't do it with her being in obvious pain. She has still not used the cream which is said to be a godsend to most women since taking hormones is to dangerous. She has told me she is very content with never having sex, I am not. I still desire her and feel she has abandoned me. She has given me two hand jobs in the past year and nothing for almost 10 months. I don't know what to do, she will not give me oral and really never has, she says it's degrading. I have always been very generous with oral for her and she always loved it but none for me. What the hell do I do, we've been married over 30 years.
     
  2. djanalyst

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    I can relate. *sorry, I have no answers either.
     
  3. sensless

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    Joboo6, I'm very sorry for you.

    I was just writing a post about arousal. I think it could be the problem. If she felt arousal, if she desired you, she'd be inclined to use the cream to be able to have sex with you. But she's not feeling desire. Then, there is no motivation to use the cream.

    I'm a very sexual woman. Very sexual. I have always been. I love sex. But even a woman like myself, has days when, as much I as want to feel desire, as much as I want to feel like having sex, I just don't. I can't explain why it happens. In my case, I think it is hormonal, not linked to stress.

    I'd like you to understand this and talk about it with her. Please, don't feel as if it was something wrong with you, as in you being not attractive. You may be very attractive and the result is the same. My man is perfect to me. I worship his body, his cock. Yet, some days, I can't desire him. I want to, but it doesn't happen. I love him like I can't put it into words. He's a wonderful man. And yet, sometimes I can't feel arousal.

    I'm sure she had sex with you, just for your sake a few times, perhaps more than you realize. But with the repetition of it, it becomes a chore and she may have come to resent it. Not as in resenting you. Resenting nature, the situation. In a way, nature is not fair with women. With have to deal with periods, sometimes very painful, mood swings, then menopause and hot flushes, etc. It isn't fair, if you get my drift.

    So, it could be the problem is lack of desire.

    You could talk about it with her and explain her again how you feel. Tell her you just want to know how she feels, if she's feeling frustrated. She says she's ok with the situation, but how did it come to that?

    There is no solution to this problem. Libido isn't really understood.

    What to do? I don't know. Perhaps you could ask her to reignite the intimacy, even if it isn't sex. Even if there is no desire, almost everybody loves a cuddle, massages, this kind of things. You could exchange touches, intimacy. It could lead to favor sex. It isn't ideal, but I don't see it negatively. Sometimes, when I'm not feeling desire, but I can see my man is horny, I have sex just for him.

    I wouldn't push for it. Try to just get intimacy going. A cuddle. Don't try to transform the cuddling into sexual stuff. Let the initiative come from her.

    It could work.

    I feel for you, and I feel for her. :-(
     
  4. lkg4f

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    I feel for you too Joboo6 but you are not alone. There are very many sexless marriages out there too.
     
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  5. Englishman

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    It's very common problem. I just had a quick look on the net. And i says it's 20% of over 50's and another 20% only have it twice a year.
    There is a lot of information out there to help. I know from my own personal experience it take's both of you to work it out and want it.
     
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  6. Joboo6

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    Thank you for taking the time to give some advice. I'm guessing you have not gone through menopause yet but still good advice. I'm very confused since I have two close friends that are my age and their wives have gone through menopause and they both say they have not seen any fall off in their sex lives. They both separately told me they have sex once a week or so and their wives take no hormones and have no pain. They are both a few years older than me, in their early sixties. This had made me so depressed over the past three years, especially this past year. I've gained 30 lbs but I'm 6'4" and it's not like I'm huge at 250. She goes to the gym regularly and has hardly any body fat and looks amazing. She works with lawyers all day and I just feel seeing all these guys 40 years old in suits everyday that I am just not attractive to her anymore.
     
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  7. djanalyst

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    ...exactly how I feel...more power to you brother.
     
  8. lkg4f

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    Don't doubt yourself and it is definitely not because you are any less attractive. It is interesting that you said she goes to the gym and looks amazing because that is what has happened to many of my friends. They say they do not want sex anymore because they are dry and/or they no longer have the urge with/after menopause. I feel that when menopause hits, it is like a cornerstone in life that says - I am aging and drives some women to want to keep their youth and the need to look good - hence the gym/fitness obsession? I went through that "no-sex" phase for a short period, but then I realized what was happening to me! I made a conscious effort to be more mindful of my sexuality as well as sensuality. We had a good sex life right up until he died a few years back. Then I found SF which has given me a new lease on my sexuality!
     
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  9. rpm121370

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    when my better half went through menopause, she was still sexually active, however after a little while she kept saying no because it hurt and one time after we had sex she said it really hurt and she was bleeding.. We went to see her Dr and he said that her vaginal walls were very thin and having sex would probably always cause pain and possible bleeding from then on.. we have learned since that we don't always need vaginal sex unless she gets very wet and then we only do it for a few minutes just find something else that you 2 enjoy doing to each other and maybe you will both be happy
    I think there is a lot more sexless marriages then you think
     
    #9 rpm121370, Oct 10, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2015
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  10. Joboo6

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    Understood, but there are several remedies for the thinning of vaginal walls. Topical and in pill form that are safe and according to many the vagina returns to premenopausal form. I have a couple of friends that have used these types of meds and are very happy. I am trying to get my wife to use them. I agree about the alternatives to vaginal but unfortunately some women find handjobs and oral degrading. I think some of that comes from their inability to get wet, it plays with their head. The first time I lost an erection during sex I was in my late fourties and while I was in shock my wife felt it was her fault. It had nothing to do with her. As they always say your brain is your biggest sex organ and it can be great for sex but in some cases the brain ruins your confidence.
    I went to see a urologist and he said once a man loses his first erection the following erections are lost due to loosing confidence. I think it affects women the same way.
     
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  11. mr_me

    mr_me New Member

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    Same boat here. She has zero desire/libido. We have talked a lot, but it has made no difference. There are non hormone methods and she doesn't want to take action.
    I can tell it is effecting my outlook on our marriage.
     
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  12. Joboo6

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    Yes I understand, I've made several major efforts over the past two years and she just doesn't respond. I love my wife but I just can't believe how selfish she has become. She would counter that by saying I'm the selfish one wanting sex at age 59. She is a couple of years younger. We are now going through a stressful but happy event in our family which has brought us closer again. She bought the the tube of perscription medication that has to be applied to her vagina about two years ago and used it once, too messy she complained and gave me two hand jobs since. Now she says there is a pill form and she will get it once she sees her Gyno next month. If she doesn't follow through I'm moving on, not sure I will leave but I'm sure I am going to find someone. I'm very depress about this, she looks amazing and is in the best shape of her life. I see women that obviously have eyes for me but they're not nearly as attractive to me as she is. Should be an interesting holiday season no matter which way this goes.
     
  13. doggiestylegirluk

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  14. whybother

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  15. NorCalMan

    NorCalMan New Member

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    Well at least I know I'm not alone ... sex? ... yea, I kinda remember that. :(
     
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  16. lucky5338

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    Similar story here ! It hurts but one has to do something > I have found solace here :)
     
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  17. whybother

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    I'm experiencing a breakthrough. It took time, patience and understanding. It took work, commitment and humility. I am waiting to see if it continues. If it does, I will write up my story and then cut and paste it into every thread like this that I can find.
     
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  18. HotForHoney

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    Hoping for you xo
     
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  19. David4020

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    Would your wife/partner be bothered if she knew that you're writing about it on here. ? That is of course if she doesn't already know.

    I've wondered this before about the people who choose to discuss their relationships on here.
     
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