Sexless Marriage

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Godiva, Dec 28, 2010.

  1. Godiva

    Godiva Member

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    I'm not even married, for those who don't know. :)

    But i got thinking, due to various other threads on here.

    A sexless marriage is those who have sex less than 10 times a year.
    The Big No: The truth about sexless marriage - relationships - TODAYshow.com

    But it also takes into account that some couples who don't have high drives are more than content with a "sexless" marriage, and it isn't really sexless, because they don't have a problem with it.

    3 main reasons for sexless marriage are loss of communication, repeated rejection and neglect.

    I couldn't imagine myself ever being in a sexless marriage, but then again i could- i can be spiteful when i get mad and i could see myself not giving sex if i were upset with them, hopefully i won't be upset for months!

    What i don't understand...is that if you loved someone you would sacrifice on occasion, to give them a sexual experience with you involved, even if it is just holding them while they touch themselves. And you wouldn't have to do it daily.

    The average i've seemed to pick up is about 2 times a week, for your average married/defacto couple to have sex. So, if not even once a month you would include yourself in that, or even once a fortnight. I understand sometimes women, and maybe men, get into moods where sex is absolutely out of the question (to a point where they ragingly loathe it and everything to do with it- i get it). But i still think, once a month, there would be a day that they wouldn't mind at least helping out being present with their partner, for their sake! I'm sure most people are just out of the mood, and if loathing sex is involved it is usually because there's something wrong in the relationship. If it is withheld so much and to such a degree, it seems that it's not just a "sex" thing, unless they are selfish. Then it could be.

    I'm sorry if i offend, i just don't like the idea of getting married and then having a sexless marriage. So i guess i'm doing my "pre-search"

    Am i wrong? I'm not saying I'm right, so please share your experience with this.
     
  2. andretti

    andretti New Member

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    I think the sexless marriage parameter is defined too low, if it's to be used as a universal standard. Depending on the drive of the neglected one, I'd have no problem calling 25 times or less annually "sexless" (that's less than once every two weeks).

    You listed three main causes: communication, rejection, and neglect. I'd add a fourth: resentment.

    Since you're doing "presearch," I'll share my ideas about a few good ways to avoid the tragedy of a sexless marriage:

    1. Be mature and forgiving of each other (so as not to harbor grudges).
    2. Make a commitment to remaining sexually active, even when the moments aren't just right (once kids enter the picture, you might be surprised how exhausted you are at the end of the day). Even a little genital touching, though, can go a long way towards keeping a partner feeling "unrejected and unneglected."
    3. Be careful who you choose to marry in the first place. Many sexless marriages are rooted in a problem with the emotional health of the relationship. Maybe one partner is incredibly disappointed with how the romance evaporated after the wedding or first anniversary, or maybe the couple simply can't make each other laugh anymore, and happy to be around each other. I don't believe there is "one right person" for everyone, but there are a lot of bad or mediocre matches that too many people settle for, all the way to the altar. (That's another thread, though.)
    4. If everything else is going well in the relationship, but the marriage is becoming sexless due to lack of interest by one partner, seek professional help. It could be a sign that depression is hitting, and it may be treatable.

    Hope this helps...
     
  3. Hot Wheels

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    There's another aspect to consider here too.....
    My wife has had ongoing heart problems for 4 years now and has to take medication to keep her heart-rate under control.:(
    yes...our marriage is sexless....but every other aspect is still great:D

    So what do you do?....I remember saying "for better or worse", and really, Ive got no complaints in any other way.....its just the cards life deals you sometimes:shrug
     
  4. Godiva

    Godiva Member

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    andretti -thanks for your input! I totally agree with your 4th reason. I actually think there could be a few more but those might be the most common.
    Forgiving can be hard sometimes...especially by those you love so much :(. I think the commitment works, but you should also feel safe enough to take a break. Maybe set a time table, where at least once a month, you agree to sex even if your not up for it (health issues aside ofcourse).
    in reply to point 4- Do people just "move on"? Can people be married for 50 years and still have the hots for their spouse?


    hot wheels- and i agree with you! Due to no fault of her own her health won't permit it and i think you're such a champ for being so chivalrous about it! I'm glad your wife is extremely wonderful with you! I think some men, would prefer a wonderful sexless marriage, then a sex filled awful one (not that those are common, because if women tend to hate you they tend to not want sex usually)!
     
  5. andretti

    andretti New Member

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    I don't know - ask me again in 40 years! lol

    Truthfully, though, our sex life has gotten better and better over the past 10 years - no "ready to move on" feelings, no blahs, and we are very optimistic things will continue to improve in the future.

    Then again, we do our best to keep sex an important part of our marriage. I think that helps.
     
  6. igor

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    Same situation here. Wife had triple bypass, then a pacemaker installed 5 years ago (just had it replaced last week). She has severe arthritus / stenosis/ crushed vertebra and now has Alzheimers as well.
     
  7. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    A question I had to ask myself before I married Bunnie was "if the day came where we couldn't have sex, would I still love her and want to be with her?"

    Even though we were having a growing sex life before marriage, I knew that it might not always be like that. As I have said before, you do not get married to get rid of life's problems, you get married to someone who wants to face life's problems together with you. So I had to give strong thought to this. The day will come where one of us will not be able to function sexually due to aging and/or illness, and the day will eventually come when one of us will bury the other. I believe if both have sex as a priority, then the closeness will still be there even if the sex has to end or be restricted due to illness. This, of course, is different from flat-out refusing.

    I agree with the comment about making a commitment to be sexually active. Early in our marriage we attended a marriage seminar and one of the leaders said she and her husband committed to having some type of sex every day. It did not always happen, but it was never because one refused the other. Just having that mindset, she claimed, would make a big difference. We chuckled at that at the time, but when our sex life hit a bad patch and we started communicating, that was one of the things we decided to try to adhere to. And it did make a difference. Even when we miss a day, just the thoughts and words about it keep us close.

    As for "can one be married 50 years and still have the hots for your spouse?" - we are a little more than halfway there and hope to. :) The best way to see that is to look at others who have already gone down that route for inspiration (which is sadly tougher these days to find). For example, we went to one of those sexy romantic honeymoon places for our 25th anniversary and met a couple - during a ballroom dancing lesson - who were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They looked great and we could tell from talking and interacting with them several times over the next few days how much they still had the hots for each other. In fact, Bunnie's comment to me was "I thought I'd start losing my sexual appeal sometime in my 50's, but after meeting that woman I'm going to try to keep going into my 70's - so you better stay active and hang on tight!" :phat
     
  8. johndeeregirl

    johndeeregirl New Member

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    this was a question he asked me before we got too serious.. he was worried because I seemed ALL about the sex - I didn't hesitate when I told him it didn't matter.. I'd still love him

    we recently went through a period of a few weeks while on a new medication where he was having problems.. he made sure to please me and make sure I was satisfied even if he could be, even if he hadn't I'd still love him and be with him :)
     
  9. cbrmale

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    Illness can play a part in a sexless marriage, and this must be hard for the healthy partner. Other than illness, everything about a successful marriage is about compromise, including sex. So maybe one partner has sex a bit more than they desire and one a bit less, and with the right attitidue it's all good. I thought the average was two to three times a week for marriage, and my wife and I usually have sex three times a week, which I take to be average. As years and decades pass, it's hard to keep sex exciting and fresh if you have sex a lot, so maybe it's best to space it out, and it's essential to come up with new variations too. My most recent was outdoors sex on Tuesday, and next Sunday afternoon (our time for taking our time), I have a roleplay planned.

    So, Godiva, don't worry about sexless yet: just keep it fresh and exciting, work hard, be sexy, seduce your husband (men love that), and it should work out for you.
     
  10. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    I (with a smile) disagree with it being hard to keep things exciting and fresh if you have sex a lot, but I do agree that one has to come up with lots of variations. Perhaps it would be an interesting discussion for a thread (if one is not already there). It is easier to keep frequent sex exciting if it something the both of you want. I can see it being much harder if one has to seek a compromise.
     
  11. igor

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    Even though our sex life was what most people would call "vanilla" (same-old-sam-old" things, I never thought of sex as boring. We seldom tried anything new but were always satisfied with the outcome. I think if you are really in love with each other then just the closeness and intimacy, regardless of the type of act, can be satisfying.
     
  12. cbrmale

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    I don't think it's easy to keep sex fresh and exciting if a couple is having it, say, every second day for, say, 25 years, which is close to our timeframe. It's possible, of course, but one or both have to work at inventing and introducing new and exciting things fairly regularly for sex to be fresh. We actually have sex every second or third day, and once a week we do something out of the ordinary. Because I dream up these variations, I see this as being a task, although always a worthwhile one. My wife goes along with my ideas; I know her well enough to know what she wants to do and what she doesn't want to do. The one thing I desire more than anything else is for her to be more active in this area; for her to do something exciting for me every now and then.

    Anyone else got a history of frequency, routine sex and exciting sex?
     
  13. yitbos

    yitbos New Member

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    I can say I think the official number is very low too. We have sex maybe twice a month, I don't think it's more than that. She's home with the kids all day and volunteering at their pre-school. By the end of the day she's exhausted physically. My job is mental all day but my sex drive is super high still.

    When we have sex it seems to always be the same. Most of the time it's me on top. If she's really horny then I get some blow job action andi get to eat pussy. But mostly it's climb on and work to get her off (which is always my goal before I cum, I always want her to have an orgasm if possible). Most of the time, I get the feeling she would rather just get pounded and have me cum and be able to go to sleep. We can goto bed 2 hours early and it's still like that I think.

    When she's in the mood, to help ensure she has an orgasm, I usually talk to her about people she's fucked and try and get the mental stimulation going for her. But usually, as soon as she cums she starts to get dry and it results in a hand job for me. Usually I think about people I've fucked or want to fuck and prolong as much as I can but you can see she just wants to be done and goto bed. For the most part it's me jacking off each night and sometimes in the morning.

    While I won't cheat on her the sex pretty much sucks and is uninteresting. At least she doesn't care if I watch porn so that helps me.

    More than anything, since I won't have an affair, I like getting into sex discussions with women. I get some mental stimulation, can imagine them doing things, can play out fantasies in my mind and generally get worked up by talking which gives me a better orgasm later.

    So if you like to talk, shoot me a message. I like to listen!
     
  14. cbrmale

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    We never actually used the word boring because that's not what I was on about. I was about fresh and exciting, which is something quite different.

    Everyone has a different threshold for sexual variety, and for some or many, routine sex is quite fine. Others look for excitement, and I'm one of those. Earlier this week my wife and I had sex outdoors in a nature park, and tomorrow we will probably do a roleplay. The afterglow is much more intense, the memories more satisfying, and the memories stay much longer. And while routine sex with the woman you love is fantastic, these special events are so much more. But I think unless you venture there, then you may not know what your are missing, or have missed.
     
  15. andretti

    andretti New Member

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    Depends on your definition of "sex". If you mean intercourse, we have sex a couple of times a week. If you mean any activity where at least one of us has an orgasm, it's much closer to daily. We have one of those quaint "Always Kiss Me Goodnight" signs over our headboard to inspire, even when we're very tired.

    Exciting sex happens a few times a month. We have pretty sexy imaginations, and once in a while we "go the whole nine yards," so to speak. That requires some mental prep time, and we tend to be immensely satiated afterward, so it's unrealistic we can go that full-throttle for sustained periods of time.
    Ah, the difference between the male and female mind... That's a generalization, of course, but I find that my imagination is much more vivid and active, and focused on specific activities we might do. She's very interested in sex, and our sex life, but simply doesn't think about it in the same way.

    Here, I suppose it depends on what you mean by "new and exciting." Personally, I love lingerie, and, when she buys something new and dons it, I'd put that in the fresh and exciting category. Maybe your wife doesn't come up with new ideas for role play ideas or positions, but she can still contribute in her own way. Just a thought.
     
  16. Trond

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    Not sure if the general population outside of sex websites would agree with this :lol. There is something odd about studies saying that twice a week is the "norm". Perhaps some rabbit-like couples are pulling the figure upwards, but I wonder if it is not also wishful thinking on the part of many respondents. From what I hear, the frequency approaches zero for many married couples with kids. Most would say that having sex twice a month is "now and then" rather than "no sex" or "sexless". My wife and I are below that number. I would personally say that it is way, way, too little, but not "sexless".
     
  17. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    Sex has always been a priority on our relationship and marriage, and for the last 10 years or so it has been the #1 priority. We try to have sex at least 4 times a week. It gets easier to achieve that now that our kids are older and most of them are out of the house. If something prevents that, we are eager to try to make it up. When we are on vacation, it easily goes to one or more times a day (what else is there to do? :))

    It stays exciting because it is a priority we both enjoy. I think we both enjoy seeing the other one getting off - e.g. we "argue" over who is having more fun during oral sex, the giver or the receiver. In addition, we both work at keeping ourselves fit and pleasing to each others eyes, which also goes a long way in keeping our drives active.

    We keep things exciting by what I will call "planned spontaneity". This means that, whenever we are private, sexual things may happen, and we are free to "surprise" each other with various actions. It might be just a whispered sexual inneundo, or blatant comment. It might be as outrageous as one of us sticking their genitalia in the others face, or disheveling the others clothes to get to the "fun parts". We continually try to be spontaneous in this manner, and we catch each other off guard in very exciting ways.

    To keep things exciting takes two of us. I am fortunate to have a very willing wife who wants me to "experiment" with ideas, enjoys 90-95% of them, and always encourages me to come up with new things or reminds me to try things that (in her mind) we have not done in a while. On days that I spend in the house, when no one else is around, she dresses (or does not dress) in a way to "inspire" me to do things to and with her - this is her major way of initiating sex. She loves things like dressing sexy for me, sexy dancing/stripping for me, dirty talk, taking pictures, making videos, having sex in all kinds of positions, and even making sexual "bets/challenges/punishments/controls" on our non-sexual activities. She looks forward to our "sex vacations", and her "fantasy" these days is for me to retire from my job as soon as possible - so that I can be around the house alone with her to further explore our sexuality. In addition, over the years she has ensured that her close friends have very similar sexual attitudes, and this has also been an inspiration to keep things exciting.

    We have also been sure to nuture our relationship outside of the bedroom. While we have very different interests, there are several we started together and enjoy spending time with each other. When we exercise, the walking time we spend talking and listening to each other about various things. We enjoy giving gifts to the other without any expectation of return. Even when we disagree about something, we have learned to focus on the subject and not make it personal - which in itself always leads to nice "makeup" sex. :)

    And ultimately...during intercourse, there is nothing more exciting than seeing the look on each others face, hearing in words and noises, and seeing in body language, how much it is being enjoyed. And after intercourse, seeing the "buzz" that we have that continues to say with us is a joy.

    On a realistic note... we do not know how long this will last. We are both 50 and in good health, and still considering attractive looking by others, but we do not take it for granted. Things may happen that are out of our control to change this... but until they do, while we are still in a state to enjoy things, we want to make the best of it, and then some.

    I am probably babbling at this point, but just wanted to give examples of how we keep frequent sex exciting. I recognize that this is not the same for everyone. However, I think when both parties want to invest in keeping things exciting, frequency cannot hamper that. :)
     
  18. cbrmale

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    It looks like we have a few members of the site who have interesting sex lives with a few, or a lot, of special sexy moments beyond routine marital intercourse.

    The two to three times a week statistic has been around for decades, possibly as far back as Kinsey, and recent surveys like the annual Durex survey shows this to still be the case. Some couples probably go four or more, some two or less, and the average is between two and three. The other statistic for is that married couples have more sex than singles, on average. Availability plays a part, but this also shows that marriage is not the end of sex, but maybe the beginning, especially if one follow's htoad's advice and works hard at all aspects of the relationship.
     
  19. andretti

    andretti New Member

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    Re: Ordinary vs Exciting Sex

    I still wonder about the difference between "routine" sex and "exciting" sex. The dichotomy reminds me, I once heard a comedian once quip in a song:

    She told me, "Make love to me, like you never have before..." so I took off my socks...
     
  20. cbrmale

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    Re: Ordinary vs Exciting Sex

    Exciting rather than routine for us, most recently, was outdoors in a nature reserve. Other variations include roleplay, sometimes with light bondage and discipline. Roleplay sometimes has my wife playing a role where she seduces a reluctant me, or me seducing a reluctant her. Roleplay may also go beyond the house to the scenario of prostitute and client, played out in a hotel bar followed by renting a room. Sometimes there's light bondage and discipline without roleplay too. We may also play a game, and I have two available. One is a board game of winners and losers and sexy treats, and the other is a computer game which I run on the laptop and we spread out in the lounge room and enjoy.

    I can't think of any others, but roleplay in particular has an almost infinite number of variations which are only limited by imagination. The computer game is particularly good, as it has thousands of permutations and you programme your likes and dislikes and it works things out from there.

    These are all beyond normal bedroom sex; indeed we don't use the bedroom for anything that's special.