Sexless Marriage, but watches porn

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by nothereanymore, Feb 5, 2012.

  1. nothereanymore

    nothereanymore New Member

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    My mate and I of 4 years are in a sexless marriage because of severe ED. He has basically just given up, because he cannot get or sustain and erection. Unfortunately, he isn't even interested in any other kind of touch either lately. He says it is because of his medications, which the doctor agrees about. He also has diabetes and high blood pressure. Im overweight, and sometimes I STILL feel it is me, even after he has told me over and over it isn't me, and that I turn him on, he just "cant". We have been able to have actual sexual intercourse twice (for about 30 seconds) in 4 years. Today, I found out he has been watching porn on his laptop. Not only porn, but also live sex chat's are showing up in his sites visited history. What the heck do I do and say now? Is this normal? Should I be concerned? he has a woman right in front of him that he doesn't even touch. Im so confused I could die
     
  2. Alwayslearningsex

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    Red flag!

    1. He may have lost interest but unable to tell you.., or

    2. He has a real problem and tries to fix it the wrong way.

    I think he is on the first option but would be nice to be wrong here.
     
  3. 12barblues

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    it may not be as bad as youre thinking...if he has ED the computer allows him to get a cyber-boner...he can talk the talk and not have to walk the walk...you know? it may be letting him feel like his old self...maybe just give that to him ? if it makes him feel good...
     
  4. somhairle

    somhairle Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, be careful with that. He may be trying to stimulate himself by watching porn. However, you might want to find out what does turn him on and participate. That could work?
     
  5. cbrmale

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    Even without sex we need sexual outlets. In his case he has a largely sexless marriage but is stimulated by watching the sex of others. Doesn't mean erection or orgasm, however.

    As far as ED goes, has he tried injection therapy? I have spinal column nerve damage and use caverject (alprostadil or single-mix), and other urologists can prescribe bi-mix, tri-mix and quad-mix. Also, the penile implant is an option as long as he is healthy enough for the surgery. With uncontrolled diabetes and / or a heart condition surgery would be too dangerous, of course.
     
  6. backcheck64

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    Is he getting erections with the porn and not you? If he's getting erections, you've got problems. If he's still a limp noodle, he may be trying to find a way around his ED. The chats are where I'd draw the line. I'd consider that cheating.
     
  7. pbs

    pbs
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    Could be he's just looking for something to stimulate him sexually. I have a wonderful sex life, but still post on sex forums and look at nude women (domai) to keep the juices flowing. Maybe if you watched it with him?
     
  8. 12barblues

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    or......could be that he feels less a man because of his condition. and talking over the internet lets him "tell" somebody what he would do with them..."tell" them how hard he is ....he just wants to feel like he did before his condition....be kind, give him that much....let his mind go where his body wont anymore....
     
  9. RodneyBMcThrustin

    RodneyBMcThrustin New Member

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    Invite him to watch it together.
     
  10. mikeh

    mikeh New Member

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    Tie a splint to it!!

    Sorry, couldn't resist it.

    With my wife I had a severe groin strain when I first met her and any kind of action in that department hurt like hell and an erection would only last seconds before the pain kicked in with only one outcome each time. I was open about it but she got paranoid which made me worse when things got better. If I was a different person I would of got hung up about it. maybe it just needs a bit of good old fashioned communication and (being serious now) viagra. That stuff is great, even without ED.
     
  11. Meee

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    Medications? Diabetes? High blood pressure? I think he should get his health in order as much as possible and see if that helps improve things. Sexual health is affected by general health.

    About the porn and chats--well, you weren't supposed to know about that. You snooped. It would be very hard to bring it up now. Wait and see if working on his health changes things first.
     
  12. Paula

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    About the porn and chats he maybe translate sex to you. Ask him to do this together.
    I think it is normal to watch porn together. And even have a common chat, if you wish.

    Maybe your sexlife needs an update. What does he watch on internet and what can you do to fill his needs? And yours.

    Talk about it.
     
  13. Trond

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    After having erectile dysfunction for a while, he may have become nervous about having sex with you. Porn takes away the nerves of interpersonal contact, and also allows him to check if his body is responding at all. It doesn't have to be a bad thing, but it's good to open the dialogue again.

    Health is also important. Maybe you both could try to work out together or something?
     
  14. coramfuncpl00

    coramfuncpl00 New Member

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    This nailed my initial impression when I first read your post...

    Me(husbands) job works in medicine...and many type of cardiac and HTN meds kill sex drive and physical ability so that is no lie...

    Also I agree with, he may be just trying to see if he can be stimulated at all...be it through porn, the chat rooms may be just trying to see if any dirty talk will get a physical reaction...is the porn normal vanilla or is he looking at all differing types...that could be the sign of does anything work anymore?

    if he is unable to get hard and on many Cardiac and HTN meds that is most likely the case, he is probably not cheating on you. Look for other signs before accusing, is money missing, are time schedules changing frequently when they are normally fairly steady, is he talking to random people or the same woman all the time...

    if everything checks out...I'm sorry to say, "better and worse. Sickness and Health," now applies and you may just have just accept that your physical days with your husband have passed. I'd invest in a vibrator.


    PS: Viagra and other drugs like it were initially created TO BE powerful cardiac medications, but their unexpected side effect is what made them what they are today, hence, if he is on powerful cardiac and HTN meds he can not go onto or take Viagra or other meds like it, they can and will drop his blood pressure severly and can kill him.
     
    #14 coramfuncpl00, Feb 19, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2012