Sex missing with GF...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by deception, Oct 27, 2010.

  1. deception

    deception New Member

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    Hey guys,

    I'm going to make an effort and not making this post lenghtly so you actually get through it and give me some advice or where to take this issue with my GF. Basically, I have been with her for 2 years now.. and I love her to death, she is my heart, my best friend in life and we do everything together.. but with time, I'm starting to believe we're just not sexually compatible, and it's turned into me starting to doubt myself... We had great sex when our relationship started, probably held that for about a year. but then we got into some serious relationship threatning issues that I would prefer not get into, I never cheated on her though.. Since about a year back our sex life has gone to shit.. for awhile she just never wanted to have sex with me.. at all, if she did, I felt her enjoyment factor was 0 and she was waiting for me to ejaculate.. Sex is a 2way street, and I simply cannot enjoy myself if I don't think she is... I've tried many things to try and respark the relationship... Romantic dinners, I had candles and roses waiting for her once with music... sure we had sex, but it was just missing that spark we had when our relationship started... Initially, she always told me the relationship issues we had were brought onto her because she was sinning with me in having sex (before me my gf was in a relationship where she did not have sex for 2 years, because they were very religious) -- she told me she felt because she got away from god, god punished her with the issues we were having in our relationship and she completely shut her self down.. Months passed and I worked through that work her.. but still sex was always lackluster.. then it became an issue with her birth control affecting her sex drive, I mean I felt I was having sex with a blow up doll (not that I ever done that hehe) it was horrible...

    Now I feel she is trying more..she stopped taking birth control to see if her libido comes back ( been about 3 weeks ) but all the problems, and her lack of interest have taken a toll in my head.. I don't even want to bother initiating anymore because I would rather not try than to be disappointed. For one, let me say that I am fairly inexperienced. I've only been with 3 girls, including her, and she was my only long-term relationship.. if it wasn't for how our sex was at the beginning, I would feel I was a total dud in bed.. I simply can't get over this now.. anytime we try to have sex, I'm constantly analyzing her to see if shes enjoying it, and even stopping for a second.. I don't get it, and it's serious now because we are both having talks about moving on... I love her, and I feel this is another test in our relationship but I don't know how to get passed it.. the sexual spark is just not there.. but yet we're best of friends, and always on top of each other with the cuddling, etc...

    Please help.. I feel our relationship slipping because of something we should be ok in
     
  2. Martin_Baker

    Martin_Baker New Member

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    Problems with sex in a relationship are almost always caused by other issues. Unfortunately it really sounds like she does not want to be involved in the relationship anymore, which is probably something you already know given you mentioned you are both having talks about moving on. If you're not able to resolve the issues within your relationship then I doubt you will be able to get back to enjoyable sex with each other. You say you went through some serious relationship threatening issues you would prefer to not go into.

    It's fine to not want to go into those issues here, but it sounds like you know what issues are causing problems and they're the ones that need to be resolved.

    My opinion is you need to talk to her and work out if these issues can be resolved. If you don't try to, or they're too big to be solved then I would think the chances of going back to the sex life you used to have would be slim.
     
  3. SteveWaste

    SteveWaste New Member

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    You've been together for 2 years and sex has been completely dissatisfying for both parties for the last half of it. You're of completely different religious oppinions on pre-marital sex, have different libido's, and no doubt are having other problems because of it. She's not happy, you're not happy, and you both have probably been silently considering ending the relationship since it went bad a year ago.

    Trust me, I've seen stronger relationships rightfully end over much less. Perhaps it's time for both of you to stop lying to yourselves and each other and be honest about how you really feel.

    To quote one of my favorite authors whom someone else quoted recently, "I stopped loving my father years ago. What remains is a slavery to a pattern."

    Be honest. What do you think?

    ~Steve
     
  4. deception

    deception New Member

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    Thanks for the responses.

    I think I might have made the state of the relationship seem a little bit more grave than it is. And, as far as the threatning issues, I'll just put it out there. I suffered from a bad opiate addiction. It tore us apart, however I've maintained by sobriety for a year now thanks to her help in getting me out of the hole I dug myself into.

    I might have left some things out.. We LIVE together. We signed a second lease in last July, right when we were recovering from the stress I put on the relationship with the addiction. I love her, and she loves me. We just seem to have issues with sex. Just last night, and actually maybe for the last few weeks she has been hinting at the whole marrying thing.. I'm really the one who says "We're not sexually comptabible" to her.. and then she'll retatilate with .. "well if that's the case, then when the lease expires if things don't improve I don't want to make your life miserable sexually so we'll seperate" -- However, I believe those comments are more of a knee jerk reaction to her when I told her we were not sexually comptabile.

    Sometimes I believe I have some confidence issues, becuase I'm sexually inexperienced.. I have done tons of research about how birth control kills libido in women, and there was a correlation between her sex drive going down and her just beginning to take BC.. but we both blamed it on the issues that were presented to us during that time that were stressing the relationship.. but now that those issues are gone, and I do believe shes happy with me and we're happy together, on a relationship level.. we still have the issues with sex, but she just finished taking BC 3 weeks ago.. but my lack of confidence, is begining to whisper in my ear.. maybe you don't pleasure her anymore. and I just question every single movement I make in bed.

    Don't get me wrong guys, I think we're very much in love.. but the sexual chemistry is just not there, and that's what I'm trying to fix. And it's not that it was NEVER there, because it was.. oh how I miss the days of coming from a club and just shutting the door in the room and just getting it on.. today those days look like we get home, I'll lay in bed, and she'll start to take her contacts off, take her make up off, then finally go-to sleep. I just don't get it... I know living together brings it down a bit, but jesus I'm 29 and shes 27, I feel like a 60yo couple.
     
  5. turion64

    turion64 New Member

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    Re: Sex missing with GF... you should

    I had this very same problem with my ex wife. Catch the punch line My EX WIFE. Your story is a carbon copy of our relationship. Let me tell you what had happened to us. We had sex like crazy, all the time 4 times a day for about a year. Then next, it went to nothing. I had to beg my ass off to get any, she would just lay thier like nothing when we did have sex. We talked about the problem, everything you could do to light the fire. It just wasn't there so we went Stellar with sex, none what so ever. Then all of sudden one night she came home horny as hell and started to basically fuck my brains out. I was like shit and what planet did you just come home from. She went to the doctor and he discovered after our first child was born, her body stopped producing a Hormone which is very responsible for sex. He gave her the Meds and it changed the whole picture. But it caused her to start wanting things like threesomes, and all types of Taboo. She quit taking the meds and back to day 0. We didn't get a divorce because the sex. I cared for her to much just to say fuck it no sex no marriage. We got a divorce because we were broke no money, and it killed the marriage. My advice to you is seek a doctor and have some blood work done it might be the problem I couldn't say. But don't end the relationship because of sex. Even knowing it wasn't the reason ours ended, I came to turns after she was gone, relationships are much more than just sex. It is having you best friend of your life to be there by your side. I am re married now to a very great wife now 8yrs strong, never any sex problems, and I still to this day have a spot in my heart for my ex wife. She was my high school sweetheart. We still flirt when I do talk to here about my children with her, and one day I asked her why she flirts and stuff when around me. She said "somethings never end and that was her love for me".

    Please take the last of my post to heart, because love is there even if sex is not, my ex wife taught me that which has made me a better person now, and to stand beside the person who will be beside you thru thick and thin.

    This was a hard post to make even knowing how mean it sounds to say this with a new wife, I love her dearly, but since my divorce I sill get sad and hurt about my ex. Please work it out with her let her read this post It just could help her fill better and fill more secure about herself and, how us men really do fill sometimes.
     
    #5 turion64, Oct 27, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2010
  6. Z_Hunter

    Z_Hunter New Member

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    That first post you posted sounded exactly like my last bad relationship, I thought has this guy been reading my diary?LOL. when I went through it I wound up marrying her, huge mistake!!! I did try everything to remedy the sex drive differences, I tried counseling and communicating, but to no avail, later she ended up leaving me for my best friend because he was in her words "more compatible." with her, sex drive being the main one (can you hear the venom in my voice?) I was torn up, now that I look back I'm not sure why, I was young and stupid and thought religiously I was doing the right thing.

    Now I am happy, I have been with my GF for almost 3 years and have experienced bliss that I never thought possible, and I can't believe that the sex just keeps getting better, she is so amazing and I thank God that he brought her into my life when he did.

    I'm not telling you to break it off now, but if she is not willing to get help, leave her, don't make my mistake bro. Maybe then you can find your real soul-mate.

    I hope I'm wrong and she changes for you, though , I really do.
     
  7. NewHere

    NewHere New Member

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    After reading your post, I wonder if some of the issue isn't caused by the pressure you are putting on yourself. If you are constantly worried about preforming good, and her enjoying herself, then of course it isn't going to be enjoyable for you. It would seem more like a chore in my opinion. Does she get off when you have sex? If she is, then don't stress it if she is enjoying it or not. Trust me, if she didn't like it she would say something. I don't always get off every single time I have sex with my man, but it is always mind blowing. Hell sometimes I just want him to fuck me so I can hear him get off. The noises he makes drive me crazy. It is definitely give and take.

    Another thing that stood out to me was you said the sex was great the first year you were together then it went south. Was that the same time you stopped using? Could the drugs have influenced your perception of how things were?

    Birth control can have a huge affect on a sex drive. I had many issues with mine for many years. I even went to get my hormones checked to see if something was wrong there. Everything came back normal. I know for some girls though, BC will kill any type of sex drive. In my case though, I did a lot of soul searching and realized the main issue was I wasn't happy with my partner and my sex drive suffered for it. Course I didn't link the 2 together until I left him and met my current man and now I want it all the time :p

    I agree with the other posters and think you should have a long talk with your girl. It sounds like you care for her very much to come seek help. Really try to pick her brain and lay out all your cards about how you feel. You said the issue with sex might be more on your end not hers. She might be happy and think it is good. You never know until you talk about it. The biggest mistake I think anyone can make in a relationship ever, is assuming something. Misunderstandings can be blown way out of proportion when all couples need to do is talk. But on the same note, talking honestly and openly when it might hurt someone to hear something, can be the hardest part of any relationship. That's why people lie or keep things bottles up.

    Good luck and keep us posted! :)