sex incompatibility with my partner

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by pyr, Oct 24, 2010.

  1. pyr

    pyr New Member

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    Hello there,

    I'm having a problem that's troubling me more and more. I've got a long time partner. We're together, but our worlds are apart. It took me time to realize, but I see that I'm very lonely. Our interests are very different.

    I care about him, but I'm not sure I love him anymore.

    We talk about things, and he have talked thoroughly about our main problem: we're not compatible in bed. I'd like more sex, I'd like him to take the lead, to seek sex. But when he does, he only uses five different lines:
    1) I'm clean (that's his clue to get a bj, which I give most times, with pleasure, because I do enjoy sucking his cock);
    2) let's go upstairs? (We're then supposed to go upstairs, shower, get in bed and fuck without much of a foreplay);
    3) are you really in the mood? (I'm supposed to be very excited, so that, again, we could have sex without foreplay);
    4) he fondles my butts (he's crazy about my butts);
    5) he fondles my belly.

    The 1) one ends like: he cums and that's it. I don't get any pleasure, unless I make the move, like asking for it, putting his hand on my clit.

    Number 2, 3, 4 and 5 end in sex. I'll bj him, I'll kiss him, I'll turn around, he'll fuck me from behind, come, then it's over. There's a variant, when we'll 69. And another one: he comes (from bj, or from sex, always fucking me from behind) and I lay down, he fingers me till I cum.

    We've been together for 15 years, and he still doesn't know exactly where my clit is, because when he's fingering me, I have to move his finger to the right place, then he goes down, or up, and sometimes I get so upset, I just tell him to stop, because my body's too frustrated and I'd rather get it over with (I don't tell him all of that, but only to stop, that it's OK).

    When he fondles my belly, I feel really bad. I've got a normal weight, but there's a little fat on my belly. Not a lot, really. I'm curvaceous, big bum (that I like and he loves). But to have him pinching my belly fat is really hard on me. I feel like crying just writing to you about it. I feel like a fat lump, and I'm not. I exercise, survey my weigh. I like to keep a healthy weight. I'm not obese, nor overweight.

    When he's "fondling" me, he talks to me as if I was a baby. That's sweet, but not really exciting.

    I've talked to him about it all. He recognizes that it isn't nice and he promises he'll change. But he doesn't. I'm his first sexual partner. He was a virgin when we met.

    I've told him many times that he can have sex with other women, if he wants to, if that's what he's missing. I've gone as far as sending him on vacation overseas alone, putting condoms in his luggage, giving advices on how to flirt, etc.

    I want him to be sexually happy. He says he's got enough with me.

    But this is such a boring sexual life...

    Recently, I've told him I'm very horny (always been) and that I'm losing interest in having sex with him, because it's so frustrating. This was a painful conversation for him, but it only came after 15 years or so of lighter versions, when I didn't go so far as to say that. I've tried telling him what to do with me, I've tried telling him he could try anything he liked, etc.

    I've taken him on sex vacations, when we fucked like mad, but always kind of pushing from my side. He really wanted the sex, but when he takes the initiative, is in one of the 5 modes I've told you above.

    I've told him I was frustrated. At 41, I'm unhappy sexually and I'm afraid my sexual life's over. I feel horny and I get no satisfaction. I've told him I'd like to have sex with other men. I've explained him I've never cheated on him (true), and that there's no one I'm interested on (true), but that I fantasize about having sex with a bit of a difference.

    For instance: I'd like a guy who can keep an erection, who can fuck me in other positions than doggy. He only keeps an erection if I'm bj him, or if it's doggy.

    I'm so frustrated. I don't wanna lose him, go away. I think he needs me. He's going through a bad professional patch (it's not an excuse, because he's always been like this sexually). But I don't think I love him anymore.
    I wanna love him. I wanna be happy with him. And, above all, I don't wanna hurt him.

    He's so weird, that I'm afraid if I leave, he'll die alone. He's not romantic, not handsome, not rich, not really interesting... he's clothes aren't fashionable.

    I don't care for these things, because I'm a bit of a weirdo, too. But the sexual thing has worn me out. I'm just so frustrated.

    I think if I could have sex with other men, I could stay with him. Or I can stay, renouncing sex. It's so difficult.

    I'm afraid if I have sex with another man, I'll fall in love with another man. I don't wanna do this to my partner...

    Please, give me some advice... please.

    I've done lots of things to give him pleasure, like sucking his dick while he watches porn movies, etc. We've done anal sex (it hurt, because he really doesn't know his right from his left... but it was OK). He loves it all, but that's it. I keep doing these things, but that's all. I get no change on my side. I at least enjoy seeing his orgasms.

    Thank you for reading this long, sad post.
     
  2. luckyduck

    luckyduck New Member

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    I'm sorry your sex life has been so trying for you. I have a friend and his wife says the same things to my wife. He was also a virgin when they got together. I can tell you really want to stay with him and you really love him. There is a book called "52 great sex invitations" or something of the sort. There are envelopes in the book that you can seal and place on a pillow. Talk to him about it before hand and tell him that he can't say no, he has to do the things in the envelope. Then he can pick the envelope for next week. I think you should give it a try. It might seem awkward to him at first, but he should get the hang of it. It's written by a woman and she knows what she's talking about. lol. I don't know what to say about him having such a hard time maintaining an erection in various positions though. Have you talked to him about it? Maybe some viagra or Cialis could help. Does he drink or do drugs excessively? That could be a problem. I know that when I am drunk it's tricky, at best, to keep my erection. If i do get an erection the only way I can keep it is oral or doggystyle. One other thing though. As a man I would be broken if my wife told me she wants to be with other men. I would explain to him your frustration and tell him you didnt really mean it. You just want to try different things and you want to try them with him. Hopefully he will be receptive and things can get better for both of you. Good luck and keep us posted.
     
  3. pyr

    pyr New Member

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    Thank you for replying.

    About his problem keeping an erection:
    he's always been like this. He gets distracted very easily, his mind always away, then his erection fails. When he brings his mind back to what we're doing, his erection is back.

    edit: he drinks very little and he doesn't use drugs at all. I don't drink alcohol and none of us smokes. We both do sports and our healthy is OK.

    But other positions or things just don't move him enough to get his attention. When it's about my bum, then he's really into it, and his mind stays with me.

    The thing of me telling him I'd like to be with other men:
    we've been talking for so many years... not at the very beginning, because since he was a virgin before me, I just thought these things took some time and I didn't think any of it would last.
    I've never lied to him, I've never faked anything. I'm honest about everything. This need for sex is so intense. I'm so horny, so needy. I can't feel like this and hide it from him. I've explained him everything very well, before dropping the bomb. He was already aware of the problem.
    I'm sure he knows I love giving him bj, pleasing him, I love when we're intimate, he knows my orgasms aren't fakes. He knows I love (do I?) and support him, because he's often with problems (hypochondriac, problems at work, etc) and I'm always on his side.
    But I can't be thinking of other men so hard and not tell him. It'd be like cheating, to me. He knows I'm not cheating, he knows I don't have anyone real, in flesh and blood. Because I've never lied to him, he trusts me completely. Therefore, I can't start pretending now.

    He's a good man. Problem is, he's a lot like his mother. She's a good woman (she didn't like me at first, but I know she's a good woman), but she's afraid of everything. My partner becomes more and more like her. I support him and he's aware of the problem, of compulsive disorders, fears, etc. Many of them, he's overcome with my help (fear of heights, fear of water, etc).

    I've also helped her, by the way. At age 60 something, she entered the water for the first time holding my hand. She only goes to the pool with me. She took a plane for the first time thanks to me. She only trusts me to do these things. I take her to fly when I go on work trips. She won't go with anyone else.

    I'm so unhappy. I don't wanna hurt anyone. I don't wanna hurt him, nor his Mom, nor anyone. But I'm so lonely, my body's aching for attention, but I'm not getting any, but for the pinches on my belly (I've already asked him to stop, and explained it makes me feel bad about my body, he promises he won't do it, but he does it again), the patting on my bum.

    After a little over 15 years together, I don't wanna live without him, but living with him is killing me inside.

    There's something else, and that's purely egoistic. Even if I'd find a man who'd give me a little sexual satisfaction (if my partner agreed with it), I'd be afraid of bringing STDs home.

    My partner says he understands me and he wants me to be happy, and I believe him, because I know he loves me. He says he'll change. But I feel guilty, because deep down, I know he can't change. If he could, I think he'd already have.

    After this conversation (the last one), we had nice sex, but still at his terms. It was a number 4 (see list above). I orgasmed, but I felt sad, because my body was aching for more.

    I have multiple orgasms when I masturbate, but with him, I can't, because as soon as I cum, he stops stimulation. I ask him to continue, but he stops...

    I'm really frustrated. I feel awfully guilty about it, but that's the truth.
     
  4. Michellesoldman

    Michellesoldman New Member

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    WOW.....you DO have a mess there, pyr!

    Sorry to hear things are so bad.:(

    I personally feel that your only recourse with all of the variables that you've described is professional therapy for the both of you. Especially since you know already that there are hypochondria, compulsiveness, and fear issues on his side.

    As far as YOUR feelings.......what were his reactions when you said that you wanted to be with other men?
     
  5. pyr

    pyr New Member

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    He said he understood it and I asked if I could, eventually, and he said yes, but I know it wasn't really a yes. He was feeling the pressure, and guilt.

    Once we were talking about it in general terms, like we talk about everything, and he said he would like to have a threesome (two women and himself). I told him he could, that it was OK with me (I'll really do anything he wants). I've told him he could have it with me, or with other women, should he prefer. I even told him I could help him find the women. I profited to ask about a threesome with another man, instead of a woman. He said he wouldn't like that. I asked why and he said the guy would wanna compete with him, to fuck me better.

    At the time, I thought it very egoistic: so, the reason wasn't jealousy, but only he didn't wanna be confronted with another man who could be, potentially, "better" than him in bed...

    I've proposed counseling in the past, as I've told him he could look for a therapist for himself to help him deal with the other problems, but he won't do it.

    He isn't crazy, or anything. His problems are "light", so to speak. He lives a normal life.

    edit: when I told him about wanting to have sex with other men recently, I told it in a way like: I'm so horny, so needy, I think more and more of having sex with another man, just to feel really sexy, desired, once, before I'm too old and no man will want me (I'm about 41). I told him I'm feeling like I'm dying inside, because of suppressing my desires again and again.

    That's exactly how I feel.
     
    #5 pyr, Oct 24, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2010
  6. Michellesoldman

    Michellesoldman New Member

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    I know how you feel with having a SO that refuses counseling. I'm in that same boat.

    If the counseling just won't happen, then I'd try the FMF threesome, first. Then explain to him that you'd like the MFM threesome and that the "stranger" could be only getting a BJ so that your SO doesn't feel "the competition" in bed.

    It seems that you'd really rather be ravaged vaginally by the stranger, but you might have to ease into that with your SO, since he doesn't seem too keen on the idea.

    I'm just throwing ideas out there at this point because I feel I'm in a bit over my head....lol. I wish counseling were an option for you two.....
     
  7. Meee

    Gold Member

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    I've been seeing a pattern to some of the threads here. People say they're having a sexual problem with their partner, then they tell a long story that shows us that sex isn't the main problem. Your story is full of communication problems, self-esteem issues, commitment issues, and so on. These things prevent your sex life from being good. You can't fix your sex life until you work on those things first.
     
  8. pyr

    pyr New Member

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    Thank you. I'll propose him the FMF.
     
  9. pyr

    pyr New Member

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    Meee, would you help me understand? I'm really looking for help, very troubled, and if you've identified problems, please, could you help me see them, so that I can try to work on them?

    You say self-esteem: mine? His? What could I do?

    You say commitment: mine? His? What could I do?

    Please, help me understand.

    Thank you!

    edit: that's the whole idea of talking about it with other people: sometimes someone from the outside can see things we're missing.
     
    #9 pyr, Oct 24, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2010
  10. Atlantico

    Atlantico New Member

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    My problem is about the same as yours, only I am a male.

    Actually of the 4 sex varities you point out in your first message, in my case it would come down to 2.

    I have done everything conceivable to "wake", so to say, my SO to the joys of sex life. Foreplay? as a rule no less then 30 minutes touching coudling everywhere. I have read all the sex tips in the cyberworld ant put it in practice. I have seen amateur porn just to "learn" some thing I might have missed, and I am not very found of porn, athough find it extremely arousing.

    Like you, I have to put myself second, as sex is concerned, in an attempt to make some sense of your sex life. I am immensly frustated, sexually and emotionally wise, and of course I look to the other women and only imagine how sex would be. And this is positively killing me.

    I think you are being very rational and honest with your SO. You already gave him a couple of serious warnings, that, I think would put most men in a state of panic, like you longing for other men. That would be a red flag. Did he not change his ways, a bit?

    I understand that upbringing can be a sexual conditioner ( a lot!!!! I know about it) and its the same as fighting with the wind.

    I would not go the way of 3somes as this will pave the way to more hurt, me thinks. You would just be replacing one problem with another problem.
     
  11. Atlantico

    Atlantico New Member

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    Didn´t look to me that way. Pyr has already aired her frustations to her SO in many ways and in different ocasions, judging by her message. And has done it in a articulate and to "the point" fashion, it looks. It can´t get any better...from her side, what abour her SO side?
     
  12. pyr

    pyr New Member

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    Atlantico:

    it's sad to know I'm not alone...

    To answer your question: no, he didn't change a bit after I've told him. Perhaps he takes me too much for granted. And he can. A dog wouldn't be more loyal.

    We're both home now. He's sitting nearby, on a sofa, surfing too, with his laptop. I'm looking at him from my corner and already so horny, wanting to give him a bj, to feel his scent, his texture. In a minute, I'll do it. But I'm thinking of something I could do, something that wasn't too pushy, to get something more than just pleasing him...

    You know, if he'd at least learn my anatomy, know where my clit really is... I've shown it to him on several occasions... if he only knew, sitting there where he is, how much I need to feel sexually desired...

    What is wrong with me?
     
  13. Atlantico

    Atlantico New Member

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    Pyr, just two questions please:

    Does your SO respond to your many sex questions and statements? Does he communicate? Or does he "sinks" and closes the conversation attempts. Mine SO does that, not before pretending to be really upset about the conversation. She was raised in an environemnet where really problems are not discussed openly.

    Let me sugest that instesd of doing your SO a blow job now, just leave the room, put yourself naked, and return quitely to your place...(yeah I have seen this in a film, as you might have guessed)
     
  14. pyr

    pyr New Member

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    He communicates.

    I'll do the naked thing. But the problem isn't that he won't have sex with. It's just that the sex is kept to a minimum: in frequency, and in variety.
    But I'll try the naked thing. I just hope he won't just tap my bum, or, worse, pinch my belly.
     
  15. pyr

    pyr New Member

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    I'm sitting naked in my living room.

    I've done what you said, Atlantico. I left and came back naked. He didn't look up, so, I walked in front of him. He smiled, tapped my bum and said "we'll go upstairs in a minute". I said "we can stay right here, if you want." He said "we'll go upstairs." I smiled, looking forward to it, but he said "do you know how to edit subtitles?". I've told him how I do it and he's trying it out.

    And I'm back at the sexual forum, naked, this time.

    How pathetic am I? I feel quite humiliated, if you ask me. A bj would have worked.
     
  16. Atlantico

    Atlantico New Member

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    Humm feeling a bit guilty now for the sugestion....

    Pyr, for any chance is there any underlying emotional subject unresolved between you two.

    You mentioned that your SO where a virgin when you met, did by any chance your higer sexual experience "hurt" him in any way? Did he feel "compared"?
     
  17. pyr

    pyr New Member

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    Atlantico: thank you for being there. It was worth to try, wasn't it?

    I don't think there are problems between us. But Meee's seen something. I hope she'll help me see it too.

    About my "higher" sexual experience, I've never compared him to my other partners (only a few before him). Whenever we discussed this, I've told him the truth: how our emotional connection made me more horny, how I ....
    ____________________
    While I was writing this message, he called me upstairs. He took his laptop with him and put a porn video with a black lady (he likes black ladies; I'm brunette) and we fucked. He lost his erection for a bit, then I bj him and he was back. He finished doggy style and had his orgasm. I didn't get one, but I enjoyed being fucked.

    Now he's showering and I'm finishing this post I had started before the fuck.
    __________________

    As I was saying, when we talk about my past experiences, I tell him the truth: that I love him and that this makes sex between us special. I don't lie, saying past experiences were bad, but I don't dwell on it, nor stress this point.
     
  18. Meee

    Gold Member

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    Ok, we can start with you feeling lonely. Lonliness isn't about sex. It's about everything in your relationship besides sex. It's about having conversations. It's about interests that you share. It's about getting out of the house and socializing. It's about friends, family, and coworkers. It's about hobbies and clubs and social activities that you do without your partner sometimes. You can't depend on one person to keep you from feeling lonely. You have to get out into the world sometimes.
     
  19. Atlantico

    Atlantico New Member

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    ...porn video and then you had sex...lost erection ....well I tend to think your SO has some issues, sexual or emotional dont know.

    Why would he need a porn video? So you are his first, how old is he?
     
  20. pyr

    pyr New Member

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    Atlantico: he's 41. I don't know why he needs a porn video. I don't know if he needs it, or if it's just to increase his fun. I really don't know. I know he always cums with bj.

    Perhaps he doesn't think I'm attractive and he needs to see an attractive woman... I don't know. He says I'm OK, but perhaps he's not being honest. Perhaps he keeps touching my tummy because he thinks I'm fat, but he doesn't wanna say it... I don't know.

    I always assume he's honest with me, but what if he's not... I don't know. I'll lose some weigh, but I can't lose much, because I'm not fat. Some people like really thin women. When I see the women on the porn he watches, they're like me. Well, they're black, or blonds, but never brunettes... perhaps that's the problem... I really don't know.

    Meee: yeah, I'm a lonely person. I live thousands of miles from family and friends. I've got a full time job (I love my job and it pays well) and I've got hobbies (I'm a pianist), and I sport, I dive, I travel very often. But I do all these things alone. We both run, but he runs much faster than me, so, I run alone. We travel together, too, on vacation, but mostly, I travel alone, because I travel for work.

    I go out, to work, to perform and to do sport.