Sex,Hmm

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by AWH, Apr 14, 2012.

  1. AWH

    AWH New Member

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    Well the last time I was with a woman,my wife it was this day,1998.
    I have thought about having sex,but how do you do that with someone you don't love and trust? go ahead and laugh if you need to,but I am asking an honest question.The thought of exposing myself to someone I dont know....well it scares me and I am not just talking about exposing my body.I'm talking about the bond between two people that share something that is the most intimate thing a man and woman can do.Think about it you are actualy joined together as one.Anyway that's my thought for today
     
  2. Trond

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    Could you tell a bit more about yourself? (if you want suggestions that is)
     
  3. OverSinged

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    I can feel the sympathy with the trust bit. I know it's not going to hurt anything, but I'm still a bit paranoid about it.
     
  4. one20inafiftyfive

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    If I understand your statement correctly, you are no longer with your wife. You're either divorced or widowed.

    You obviously cannot view sex as recreational. Nor can I. It is an intimacy that is between my wife and I. I cannot even fathom having sex in any other situation. That's not to say that sex is always romantic between us. Sometimes it's playful, sometimes it's carnal, and sometimes it's almost spiritual. I'm sure there are more recreational sex advocates than not. I don't object to their lifestyles, either - it's just not for me. I know a girl who has a different partner at least every month. She's a good person, she just does not hold sex in the same regard as I do. For her, it is just recreational. She has fun. Her partners have fun. And her self-esteem is high.

    So, to answer your question: I don't think you can "[have sex] with someone you don't love and trust" unless you change your moral standards, or, of course, find a new mate.

    And as far as anyone laughing at you, I don't think that will happen on this board. The members here are pretty open-minded and classy.

    I wish you the best of luck and hope that you can find someone soon that shares your feelings.

    EDIT: I just read your other thread introducing yourself and now realize you're divorced. Your feelings are not unique.
     
    #4 one20inafiftyfive, Apr 14, 2012
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2012
  5. cbrmale

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    I started with sex in the seventies when it was anything goes and a lot of casual sex. At the end of it all when I got married in 1986, which was about 100 or more partners later, the worst that happened was I forgot a few women's names. And they forgot mine. But we sometimes had great sex, mostly average and somtimes pretty terrible. The great sex in my casual sex days then, and my current casual sex days now, is better than I have ever enjoyed in a relationship. Last year I had more than a dozen partners.

    To each their own but sex really isn't that special. It's always pleasurable, it can be romantic, it can be raunchy, it can be serious, it can be fun. It depends on the person you're with and how well the two of you interact at a sexual level. Today my wife and I had pleasant sex in the open at a national park. It was a lovely setting for a lovely time together.

    My time limit for partner sex is about 3 days and after that I'm ready for someone or anyone. Obviously I have a high sex drive. And even though I've had well over a hundred partners by now, if I had the ability to go back I wouldn't change a thing. It was great then and my extra liasions are great now, so it's all be fantastic.
     
  6. thunderseed

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    Random sex is perfectly normal as long as it is healthy, in moderation, and it is used for sexual release, and is not an ego based decision = revenge, anger, self security issues, emotional loneliness, low self worth, feeling unloved, sadness, ect, is not used like a drug to make you feel better mentally or emotionally, healthy sex is mindful and joyful.
    It's only natural, as is sexual attraction.

    It is unhealthy to feel guilt or shame when it comes to sexual desires and natural sexual need. Random sex with strangers is fine, as long as you go into it feeling okay about your decision and your sexuality.

    Another consequence is that both partners should be consensual to the fact there are no strings attached, and you should know the risk that someone may become emotionally attached. Unfortunately, as you say, sex is a bonding experience between two people, and if you go about having random sex with strangers, you will find that it will hurt more people than you think. People are generally beings of genuinity that long to be loved and cared for, and do not generally respond well to abuse. Sex is an intimate act that is used to express love, and even during casual sex you can experience that intimacy.

    In my experience, I have NEVER ever, ever met any man who was okay with that. And believe me, I sought out criminals, bad boys, rapists even, and made sure that they were real tough players, and not a single one was able to resist that attachment and how shitty it feels to find out that some girl doesn't give a rats ass about you and that they only want your cock. And I hurt so many people that way, and I don't feel good about it today. But yet it still pisses me off because trying to find someone who is unable to "feel" is utterly impossible.

    You can't go about looking for pussy in places that have your average woman. You have to go in search of women who hate you and only want you for your dick. Casual sex isn't supposed to be about liking each other on any level other than physical, unless you want it to go up in flames. So I guess as long as you are okay with fucking someone who doesn't give a shit about you, that's fine, but in my experience, not a lot of people are okay with that because they have too many emotions.

    They tried diagnosing me as a psychopath LoL. Sex was always a hate tool, not a love tool, and that led me down some pretty bad places. And I'm sure it was traumatizing to my brain on many levels.

    It's either finding someone who doesn't care and is able to get off on just sexual release, or it's finding someone who is either an abuser or someone who enjoys being abused or a sex addict, and neither of those patterns are typically healthy. I'm sure most of the porn industry is made up out of these types of people. You can get into a mode of being desensitized by sex, and the pattern keeps reliving. It can be mild or severe.

    Here's an informational scenario on the subject of pedofilia for example. You often find scenarios whereas the pedofile is not a physical abuser (although he can very well sense vulnerable candidates), but attracts those who enjoy being abused and these kids do not see it as being abused, so it is consensual sex.
    Children are exceptionally innocent beings, and they have not yet learned the facts of sex, and they do not know what is right or what is wrong. Lots of children are able to orgasm, as are babies, and they also can gain attraction to many adults. Children are also wanting attention from adults. And some children end up in a cycle of abuse patterns from a young age, by accepting that bad and unhealthy attention is okay, and then along comes an adult willing to give them immoral kinds of attention, and the child does not know that there is anything wrong with it, but this ends up effecting their later life and warping their views of healthy sexuality. It can then put them into an endless abuse pattern.

    It's the same thing for some people that are okay with random sex, you will find that some of the people that are willing to fuck you with no strings attached, are in that abuse pattern (for whatever reason) and enjoy being abused. And whether or not that concerns you, it's still kind of wrong to take advantage of that. The sad thing is, it's very hard to spot these people. Because most times they appear genuinely into it. Unless you were an abuser like I was or instinctively knew the signs to look for, you wouldn't even be able to tell! One of the most typical and obvious signs is they are very needy.
    But, that is also another downside to having random sex with strangers. You don't know anything about them or their sexual history, and why they are doing the things they are doing, you aren't sure if they are doing it for healthy reasons, so you don't actually know if you are hurting them on some level, or just helping getting them off.

    Then of course you have people that are having sex with random strangers because their current marriage isn't working out, and unless you want the dramas and problems that come along with that, it's not really worth having sex with strangers, unless you truly know things about them. Even if the possibility of the other person finding out isn't there... it's still kind of wrong if you think about it, you are hurting someone else, even if the third party doesn't know.

    I'm sure there are so many more scenarios of things that could go wrong. You just have to be aware of the risks.

    But most importantly you have to be healthy yourself and truly enjoy it. Because if you don't enjoy it and on some level you think it is wrong, you are only going to be setting yourself up for guilt, shame and depression, and that is never good.
     
  7. thunderseed

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    Just curious, but is your wife okay with this? If i remember correctly, didn't you at some time say you had cheated on her because she wasn't giving you any, and then she went back to you and started giving you the sex you wanted, im not sure if I got that right, but im just wondering how she feels about all of it, and you having millions of extra partners?
     
  8. China

    China New Member

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    Everyone is different, but you don't have to love someone to have sex with them, trust ummm, nope not that either. Thats why I have a IUD implanted ,but still slap a condom on it as I dont want any surpise gift in the form of a STD.
    You certainly DO NOT have to hate someone to have casual sex with them, that seems like a pretty bizaar notion to me.
    Casual sex is for the enjoyment of sex, the pleasure of sex which as another poster said can be really good.
    There's a big difference between "making love" and having sex, making love is one of the most intimate things a couple in love can do together, having sex is something any two (or more) people can do for enjoyment.
     
  9. cbrmale

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    I have always had a lot of sex with my wife, and the longest we have gone without sex in 26 years is about 2 weeks both times after she gave birth. She has a very high sex drive, but is very passive and lacking what is known as erotic intelligence. This is why I had my affair, and eventually she guessed there was another woman. We struck a deal that is typical of open relationships, where your prime partner is always number one priority.

    I read your comment about not meeting men who couldn't separate sex from emotional attachment. Obviously you never met me! Maybe I'm unusual. When I enjoyed good or great sex with a partner I generally wanted to see them again for sexual purposes only (and still do). It always was down to my partner if she wanted to meet again. But if I knew it was casual sex before we got together, then I put myself in the casual sex frame of mind. It was easy, and even the after sex moments are quite different. With a partner you may lay entwined talking about love and intimate things, but after casual sex you may lay together talking about random things but not love or intimacy. You may not be intertwined: she may be sitting cross-legged smoking a cigarette or something like that. You've obviously done a lot of casual sex so you know what I mean.

    I used to go to a pick-up place and pick women up who wanted to be picked up. And a good time was had, and you never stayed the night.

    When I studied anthropological psychology I found that casual sex is the norm amongst primitive societies not influenced by Western values. Mostly it was encouraged as a way of experimentation before settling down. And then they usually settled down, but generally not monogamously. From someone with your cultural background you probably understand all this too.

    In any case it was refreshing to read someone who wrote that casual sex in the right context is healthy. In my younger days it wasn't totally healthy in that I was phobic of relationships but far from phobic about sex. Being brought up in the midst of a very unhealthy relationship was the cause of my phobia, until I met someone who was never going to treat me the way I saw in my younger days. So all it took was the right person.
     
  10. thunderseed

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    It is great that you found the right person, and trust and respect one another enough to have a working open relationship.

    It was rare to find, but it doesn't mean you are unusual, it's healthy if you can separate the difference between love and lust, some people cannot. Maybe that is because the lines become blurred so easily for some, and I guess it also has a lot to do with society, culture, beliefs, ect.
    Cultural differences in regards to sexuality are intriguing to know about, and white society sexuality is a giant disillusion compared to other cultures, while the media is brainwashing people into believing all men have junk the size of missils, they are putting restraints on sexuality at the same time. There are all these grand humanity laws constructed from what I see as unhealthy view points. But even regarding how they label sexual fetish paraphilias to be a class of mental illness astounds me sometimes, how they put laws on what you can and cannot do sexually, who is it that decides what is right and what is wrong? People are born with their natural attractions, and if this doesn't fit into societies general rule book, they are deemed as wrong.
    And so you have so many people with unhealthy sexual views, like those people who are terrified of sexuality, and are ashamed and guilty because they think it is wrong or a sin to masturbate. Or on the opposite end of the spectrum you have people committing felonies to get their rocks off. This society teaches each extreme, but never a balance in the middle.

    Many people in their younger days go through a phase of shunning relationships and having as much sex as possible. I can relate to the phobic tendencies towards relationships, but was never sure where it originated from and it is most probably brain chemistry. I had a good family upbringing around the idea of relationships. My parent's were high school sweethearts and have been married for over 30 years but were together way before that, they are very traditionally strict, religious and vanilla, but they are in love.
     
  11. luvitdoggystyle

    luvitdoggystyle New Member

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    Thunderseed....you are fascinating, and wise too I think.
     
  12. 12barblues

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    thunderseed is like a lightning storm......fascinating and beautiful, but would probably be the death of you if you got too close....
    just an honest observation thunder...you know i love ya....
     
  13. thunderseed

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    That is the spiritual truth my friend! Like philosophy. Thunderbird and the thunderbeings, the proper name for me in my culture is Heyoka which in english translates to sacred clown, otherwise known as trickster, we work with powerful storm elements and often on our quest to learn and speak truths no one else wants to know about we bring much destruction LOL. And we are often backwards. Love ya 2 blues :D
    Heyoka - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
     
  14. cbrmale

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    I think Thunderseed's perspective on things come from her cultural background, and while I'm Anglo I have lived with another culture for more than half of my life and I through that I better understand the good and the bad of our Western culture. There's a lot more bad than good, especially when it comes to sex! It does seem to be extremes of hedonism or naive prudery.
     
  15. AHappyWife

    AHappyWife New Member

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    This is a very thoughtful and supportive reply. Some people need that special emotional connection with their partner while others don't.

    My advice is to start dating. This is the best way to get to know another person for who they are. We're all different in many regards, but almost all of us want to be loved and cherished by someone we care for. Best wishes.