Sex Drive and Self Esteem

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Godiva, Aug 18, 2011.

  1. Godiva

    Godiva Member

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    I have issues (doesn't everyone?) and I'm trying to sort through them. For me i use sex as a validation of my appearance and self worth, i guess. If my boyfriend has sex with me and likes it i get an "ego boost" so to speak.
    There is of-course natural urges that make me want sex too, though, i guess no where near as frequent. Though i can get myself off 3 times in a row (or more) watching porn or waiting for my boyfriend to get home, and obviously no one is there for me to impress so that must be natural urges, healthy urges. So i don't want them to go as such, maybe lessen because i should focus on more useful things.

    When i manage to seduce him and he is into it, i either have 2 feelings. I feel guilty, or i feel i have succeeded- therefor become cocky, and start to joke around and want more. Like an addict.

    I would like to keep a normal sex drive (3 times a week max, though it would probably ebb and flow) but i also want to stop wanting sex for validation of looking good enough that someone wanted to bang me.

    We've agreed not to have sex until we sort out our issues...actually, our bodies sort of decided that. Therefore i would like to sort this out.

    So guys, help me out here, how do i stop using sex for validation?
     
  2. pbs

    pbs
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    Stop thinking so much about it and just feel the pleasure - sex is for fun. Turn off your intellect and turn on your feelings.
     
  3. Godiva

    Godiva Member

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    Yes i know, but i want to have sex to have sex, like. If i am denied it i don't want to feel all hurt and angry because i've taken it as a comment on my appearance and self worth, you know? When my bf is just tired and used to me and it has nothing to do with that.
     
  4. johnhawk

    johnhawk Banned

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    re

    Nice post i like it your blog . Great ...................
     
  5. Mobius

    Mobius New Member

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    well you're boyfriend is just like yourself maybe with a bit more our less libido. But if you say no you don't do it because thay day he isn't that hot our attractive because you just didn't feel like sex. The same goes for him, he is there because he likes you, wants you and finds you hot and attractive, so a no sometimes does not mean a I don't like you it means i'm tired our just not horny atm.

    Women do have this problem more often and thinks that a no has something to do with them. Because it doesn't we yes i know it can be a surprise just sometimes don't feel like sex^^
     
  6. pbs

    pbs
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    Is it possible that you're just a little insecure? If so, join the club - we all are. Few of us get over it completely until we're older, if then, we just learn to live with it.
     
  7. amenda

    amenda Banned

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    stop doing such things
     
  8. Maverick

    Maverick Member

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    I thought it was for procreation?? :eyes
     
  9. Hot Wheels

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    Nup....the amount of sex you have for fun far outweighs the number of times you have it for procreation.....:D
    Most of us only have it because it feels good.....keeping the population going is only a side effect.....:lol
     
  10. cbrmale

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    I read this for the first time today. I think many of us use sex for validation, and for men it's often surmised that sex and love are largely interchangeable (if she loves me she will want to have sex with me / she had sex with me so therefore she loves me). I know my wife gets more pleasure out of simple intercourse than anything else, but I also know that part of her sex drive comes from my sexual attraction to her, similar to the OP. Only she doesn't over-analyse it: it feels nice and she feels good so it can't be bad!
     
  11. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    Bunnie and I both have high sex drives, so frequent sex with each other does help boost our self esteem to a degree. Outside of sex we are both confident and have both had good careers and accomplishments. But frequent sex with each other adds another additional quality... perhaps not so much self esteem but better able to face other challenges in life together. I joke with Bunnie that after sex with her, I'm ready to go out and slay dragons. :)

    Maybe the key is having an overall balanced life. When Bunnie had clinical depression it was the non-sex things that impacted her, she still wanted sex but felt addicted to it. Once those areas were addressed the "addiction" feeling went, and the sexual fun and joy came back.
     
  12. Godiva

    Godiva Member

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    How did your Bunnie stop using sex as an addiction? I'd like to stop using it for self validation. And so the past 2 months i haven't had any until i feel i'm ready to have it for the right reasons, but nothings changed.
     
  13. RedMedicine

    RedMedicine New Member

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    Wow - that's a huge question, isn't it? The obvious answer would be "get your validation from something else," but I know that's easier said than done.

    I do think it's important to believe you have a right to take pleasure in your own sexuality, whether you feel hot or not. Make sense? Feeling wanted and sexy is great, but it's not the thing that makes it okay to enjoy sex. Maybe those two problems (self-image and sex drive) would be easier to change separately than as one problem?

    Anyway, hope it gets better for you soon!
     
  14. ditril

    ditril New Member

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    well.. just have sex
    i mean, you need a good foreplay
    and then a good cock-sucking
    when the process will turn you on (not self-esteem) then you got the thing

    sometimes we males make it for self-esteem to. self-esteem orgasm smth like that
    sex is for achieving. but when we need less then we get more

    don't do it for the org. do for pleasures
    "to must" never leads in sexual paradize
    don't achieve goals. make fuck
     
  15. Godiva

    Godiva Member

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    i enjoy sex but when a normal person gets turned down once they should be ok and not feel deeply hurt and undesired? Am i right? Or am i just overly sensitive and this will never go away...this feeling of need to have sex to feel desired and accepted?
     
  16. pbs

    pbs
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    We all need to feel desired and accepted. Finding happiness is in many ways finding that person who makes you feel that way and is willing to do it for you and not just for him.

    Don't let your ability to make a man want to fuck you affect your self esteem - it could be a recipe for pain.
     
  17. ditril

    ditril New Member

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    Make a good cock-sucking and he will be up again
    don't care. if there's smth not good with a man than its his problem. And may be you're worrying and it interferes in the atmosphere.
    This is about atmosphere.
    And sometimes about qualities of a man. If he's too "normal" or complexed in sex, it may make him down. Sex is not about normality :) . Similarly, in you. and it's not about thinking. If you are constrained then you need to unstrain your legs ;). You need to think by your "lower" mind only ; )
    If you are worrying together it may double a problem. You need to feel comfort, and pleasure. Like when you're in sauna or banja, just relaxing. Or drinking coffee Comfort, pleasure and drive. You don't think about cup too often when you're drinking.
    Drive is about not to think about the lock of the door when you're driving a car. It's not about door at all. You need to drive. You need to relax. And move forward, with some energy : ).
    Have it been useful?