Sex and stress

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Firecracker, Sep 14, 2008.

  1. Firecracker

    Firecracker New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2007
    Messages:
    311
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    New Brunswick
    I know that sex and stress definitely don't mix.

    My boyfriend has been stressed over his university courses for a while now. I wish that I could help him destress more but some days there's not much that I can do.

    He doesn't always have an easy time sharing his negative feelings with me. He will share them, it just takes time. Because of the stress he's been sleeping a lot more which as a result means that things in the bedroom have been very tame.

    I know logically that he's not rejecting me sexually at all; but emotionally it feels that way. Why can't my emotions line up with what I know logically?

    I support him in all that he does and am always there to listen. He gets distant when he's stressed which doesn't help; but I know he'll talk when he's ready.

    Lately, when we do something in the bedroom he's the one who orgasms not me which has left me very sexually frustrated. I hope I don't sound like I'm complaining because we have a wonderful relationship. I just needed to vent regarding this. Even when I do something solo, it doesn't get rid of the frustration. Maybe it's best that I don't instigate anything when he's stressed so that he doesn't feel obligated to try to please me. Maybe, I'm being selfish for even wanting sex when he's stressed. I think the frustration stems from wanting to be intimately close to him and not having that expectation met.

    The stress always has a way of dissipating later on. I hate seeing him stressed and feeling powerless to help him. He tells me that I make him happy just by being there. That's all I can do really. Please share your experiences with sex and stress.
     
  2. FlirtyChick

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2007
    Messages:
    4,111
    Likes Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Southeast US
    Stress can have a very negative effect on sex. You are doing the right things by just hanging in there and not letting it get in the way. Your heart and attitude are in the right place, and trust me, he will appreciate it. Tell him how you feel without blaming him for your frustrations. You are giving him what he needs and being unselfish, and that makes for a bond that will reward you many times over. Just remember, this is temporary and will pass....in the meantime, if you need orgasm, just do it yourself while he is still in bed with you...that will de-stress him and will probably lead to more fun. You are doing the right thing, and this is NORMAL......:)
     
  3. Firecracker

    Firecracker New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2007
    Messages:
    311
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    New Brunswick
    Thanks Flirty Chick. Thanks for the encouragement. It's nice to know that I'm taking the right approach and have the right attitude. This relationship is very special to me.
     
  4. FlirtyChick

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2007
    Messages:
    4,111
    Likes Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Southeast US

    That is the point. There are times in all our long-term relationships where we just need to be unselfish and give the other person what they need in terms of support and understanding. It is not easy, but I am a firm believer that a relationship cannot be successful if there are not trials and frustations. If there were no issues that made us change and grow stronger we cannot grow, and a relationship without some growth and a little pain is not a relationship. It is superficial at best....hang in there, and stock up on batteries until he stops undergoing stress. He will love you more for it after it is all over. The men may correct me, but there is nothing like a woman that stands by her man when he needs it. If he loves you he will reward you.
    Just MHO!
     
  5. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2007
    Messages:
    2,647
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    FC is definitely correct, she's quite a wise woman. The last thing someone needs when they are stressed is even more demands being placed on them. I LOVE her suggestion to just hit a toy while he watches...that takes any stress off of him to give you an orgasm (yes, some of us men do really care!), and that will very likely totally turn him on, he'll probably forget the stress for at least a bit and finish you off!

    BD
     
  6. Firecracker

    Firecracker New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2007
    Messages:
    311
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    New Brunswick
    I agree wholeheartedly with you FlirtyChick. He needs me to be supportive and there for him. I agree that it's during the trials that the bond between he and I grows stronger. Without being tested the relationship wouldn't mean as much.

    I know he loves me and he feels badly that he's distant. But I know that's just the way he deals with stress.

    When I'm stressed, I talk to other people and write. I write him little notes and letters as well as poems sometimes. I find it easier to express my feelings through writing sometimes. Not that I can't say them. But writing allows me to express them even more creatively.
     
  7. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2007
    Messages:
    2,647
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Now THAT is VERY cool!

    BD
     
  8. FlirtyChick

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2007
    Messages:
    4,111
    Likes Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Southeast US
    Yes, FC (look at that! Firecracker and FlirtyChick, two FC's)

    I write poetry and in a journal when I need to. I get it all on paper, and then I am better. I dont share those, though. It sounds like you two are very loving. Just hang in there girl. You have a good heart and head, and once it is over you two will be better for it. You are on the right path!!!!!
     
  9. Firecracker

    Firecracker New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2007
    Messages:
    311
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    New Brunswick
    I don't have any toys but I do know he enjoys watching me go solo and sometimes in the past he has joined in. He's very unselfish that way BD.

    Yes, we are too FCs Flirty. I used to journal but now I use diary setting on myspace blog. Everything I put on my blog is something that I have already told him. Writing helps to order my thoughts. Yes, we are very loving towards each other. I'm closer to him than to anyone else I have ever been with. Good to know you journal and write poetry as well. He's written me notes and a couple of letters in the past. Once I left a bunch of little notes around the apartment for him to find. He loved it. :)
     
  10. FlirtyChick

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2007
    Messages:
    4,111
    Likes Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Southeast US
    That is great. I see you two being together a long time! :)
     
  11. Firecracker

    Firecracker New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2007
    Messages:
    311
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    New Brunswick
    I see the same thing FlirtyChick. We both feel like we've been together a really long time. We grow closer each day.
     
  12. FlirtyChick

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2007
    Messages:
    4,111
    Likes Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Southeast US

    Take of advantage of it and keep making it grow. That kind of love is rare.
     
  13. Firecracker

    Firecracker New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2007
    Messages:
    311
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    New Brunswick
    Yes, it is rare. Relationships are like gardens, they needed to be tended and nurtured in order for them to grow. Sex is important in a relationship but communication is the most important. I've had that break down in past relationships. Communication lost and never reestablished was a death knell for the relationship.

    Going into any relationship we carry emotional/psychological baggage that can directly influence future or current relationships if we let it. There are things that have happened to me in the past that have impact on this relationship.

    Maybe, we should continue this discussion in pms.
     
  14. FlirtyChick

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2007
    Messages:
    4,111
    Likes Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Southeast US
    I agree! Pm me
     
  15. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2007
    Messages:
    2,647
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    You are soooo correct. Relationships take work...there's no way around it. You either put the work into maintaining your current relationship, or you throw away the relationship you have and put that work into creating a new relationship. There's only two options, and both folks have to make the same choice or it ain't gonna work. Keep up the good work!

    BD
     
  16. Rocket Queen

    Rocket Queen New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2008
    Messages:
    513
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    In my study!
    My husband loses his drive when he is tired or stressed from work. It has taken me years to finally come to the conclusion that he isn't rejecting me when he says that he is tired... he is just plain tired.

    I try to give him a lil massage or scratch his back or play with his hair to help him de-stress.
     
  17. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2007
    Messages:
    2,647
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Very cool...we've done that too. I'll periodically just bring her some flowers for no reason, or write some short little love note about something my wife did that I thought was awesome or made me feel really good, then I'll hide it somewhere that I know she'll find it within a day or two. She'll periodically show up with something for me, or send me an e-card, etc.

    Life is short...we know so many acquaintances that have recently had their spouse pass away (and these were healthy people around our age), it just reminds me that life can slip away in the blink of an eye. If you feel strongly about someone, you should let them know. You might never get another chance.

    BD
     
  18. Firecracker

    Firecracker New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2007
    Messages:
    311
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    New Brunswick
    I agree with you BD. That's why my boyfriend are always telling each other how we feel. We instant message when he has free time between classes. It helps a lot. Also we always say "I love you" before he leaves or I leave to go somewhere and it's the last thing we say at night before we fall asleep. I was in past relationships where I was the one who "tended" to everything. It is so refreshing to be in a relationship where it's 50/50. We feel the same way about each other and we both work at it.