Sex and past childhood abuse

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Punky, Jun 6, 2011.

  1. Punky

    Punky New Member

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    I am in an on and off sexual relationship with a guy. He touched me (no physical harm) in a way that made me upset after wards. When we are intimate, I have an recurrent violent fantasy. I lost my virginity to him and for a long time it would hurt when I had sex with him. Not so much anymore. I barely ever feel any pleasure.
    Up to my late 20's I wanted nothing to do with sex, always dressed very modestly, had an unusual fear of men, hold a lot of resentment towards my parents (still do), never liked the way I looked (still do), try to live in a fantasy world where its safe (still do), have a strong dislike of some relatives since early childhood, did something really bad as a teen to "get back" at my parents
    I'm afraid to get close to anyone so I don't have anyone I consider a close friend and always been extremely quiet
    When I met him, I confided to him that I was a virgin and he wanted to teach me what it was like. When that happened, I started to have an strong interest with sex, started to dress more attractive, not slutty, and began to feel a little comfortable around other men, started self-harming myself with booze, smoking, getting tattoos
    I have vague memories of my childhood.
    My partner is a victim of childhood sexual abuse from what I gather from people we both know. He has never mentioned 1 word about it to me and never speaks of his abuser. I want to say something to him but don't know what to say. For awhile, our relationship has its up and downs. The reason why I don't want to tell him or anyone else because of people thinking I'm out seeking attention or "pity party"
     
  2. Alwayslearningsex

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    Telling may not necessarily be a pity party and can open communication, if you allow yourself to trust, love, accept someone's affection. This looks like it can be hard for you but this is something to strive for, even geting a professional to help. My past issues are nowhere close to you yet I went for help before, it was worth it. Ironically it only helped me opened my eyes to the fact my relationship was getting nowhere. Enough about me, this is about you. Seriously, talking about it will open communication if he is receptive, and show neither are alone in this. Ideally this can help if he doesn't go deep in a bubble and clams up.
     
  3. Maverick

    Maverick Member

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    I have very bitter and dysfunctional views on therapy and such, but I will say, read books that make you explore yourself in the deepest ways possible.
     
  4. jmo

    jmo New Member

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    Tell your therapist. They won't think you're looking for undue attention.
     
  5. Barbwire

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    Telling someone that you have been abused as a child is a terribly difficult thing to do. My main reason for not saying anything was I thought since I was not actually penetrated by a penis that my case wasn't all that bad. I didn't want a pity party because any more than you do because so many other girls and boys had it much worse than I did.

    After years of being afraid of and at the same time, intrigued by men and having it tear me apart, I finally sought help. When I went to see my case worker, I didn't want to waste her time so I just told her with cold, hard facts what had been done to me, when, and by whom. As I sat there and listed all of the men and all of the occassions, I realized I was a victim of a terrible crime.

    It was after a few sessions and a lot of soul searching, I felt I made enough progress to tell other people about my childhood. Like I said before, it's a very hard thing to do but, I always feel better once I've shared myself in that way.

    I think it helps people to understand better why I am the way I am and that's a good thing in my book.
     
  6. Beach

    Beach New Member

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    :grouphug:grouphug:grouphug
     
  7. Meee

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    Other people have talked to you about his childhood abuse? I don't think they should do that. That's gossip. Don't assume anything based on what they say, and don't say anything to him based on what they say either.

    But I do think you should talk to him about your childhood and other things that are affecting your life. It isn't attention-seeking or self-pity. It's sharing. You're in a relationship and things that affect the relationship should be discussed.