I am in an on and off sexual relationship with a guy. He touched me (no physical harm) in a way that made me upset after wards. When we are intimate, I have an recurrent violent fantasy. I lost my virginity to him and for a long time it would hurt when I had sex with him. Not so much anymore. I barely ever feel any pleasure. Up to my late 20's I wanted nothing to do with sex, always dressed very modestly, had an unusual fear of men, hold a lot of resentment towards my parents (still do), never liked the way I looked (still do), try to live in a fantasy world where its safe (still do), have a strong dislike of some relatives since early childhood, did something really bad as a teen to "get back" at my parents I'm afraid to get close to anyone so I don't have anyone I consider a close friend and always been extremely quiet When I met him, I confided to him that I was a virgin and he wanted to teach me what it was like. When that happened, I started to have an strong interest with sex, started to dress more attractive, not slutty, and began to feel a little comfortable around other men, started self-harming myself with booze, smoking, getting tattoos I have vague memories of my childhood. My partner is a victim of childhood sexual abuse from what I gather from people we both know. He has never mentioned 1 word about it to me and never speaks of his abuser. I want to say something to him but don't know what to say. For awhile, our relationship has its up and downs. The reason why I don't want to tell him or anyone else because of people thinking I'm out seeking attention or "pity party"