Sex After Breakup/Friends With Benefits

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Mongatron, Aug 31, 2010.

  1. Mongatron

    Mongatron New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2010
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Tulsa, OK, USA
    Hello all:
    So in a nutshell, my boyfriend broke up with me on August 9th. We started as best friends, and four years later we dated for several months, now broken up but still best friends. Always best friends. That is something he insisted on, and I do as well. What sparked the romance was that we became "friends with benefits". Our sex is spectacular, and we do things with one another that we would never do with someone else. My feelings for him were so strong that I was going to ask him to marry me.

    The problem is that there is still a sexual attraction. I really want to continue to be "friends with benefits". Badly. He is not so crazy about the idea. He just had major surgery and really wants to not have sex or even date for at least a year, so he can sort out his issues. He knows, though, that from time to time he will get horny, and that I would be the only person on his list to have sex with. But he is concerned that if we had sex that it would only confuse and upset me. I told him that I can separate sex from love, and that I very much want sex to be an option.

    I'm wondering if this is a good idea or not. We can't help our attraction to one another, and we both know that our sex is amazing. I'm pretty sure I can separate the sex from the love that I'm recovering from, but deep down there is a part of me that doubts it. I don't admit this to him, though. I just have a really hard time keeping my hands off him. Still, when I'm with him, I find myself stroking his thighs (my favorite part of him), to which he typically does not object. Sometimes he pulls back when I do, telling me that he's "on and off" about it.

    So is continuing to have sex a bad idea? I know I'll heal from the romantic part of things, but honestly, the sex is what I'm missing the most. It's to the point that masturbation does not quell my desire for him, as discussed in a previous post I made here. What I'm most afraid of is that if I don't have sex with him that I will find it elsewhere. Specifically online. It's so easy to hook up with someone here. I did that all the time years ago, and I don't want to do that again. It made me feel dirty, and not in a good way. Plus, it's dangerous.

    I welcome all advice. I really, really want to get past this.
     
  2. Mittimer

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2010
    Messages:
    7,500
    Likes Received:
    4,380
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Fl
    In my opinion? Yes, you have far to much of an emotional attachment to him to let the sex just be sex. Doing so in my opinion would be detrimental to your emotional well being. Not to mention, if he's not really into the idea, you should probably respect that. I don't know why you two broke up, and it's really not our business unless you choose to share it with us, but given the fact that you DID break up, there are probably issues there. Sex sometimes complicates things more then it's worth.

    So my questions to you are, would you rather feel dirty and have random hook ups and possibly risk your sexual heath? Would you rather talk him into continuing sex with you and risk making things even more awkward or painful in the case that you two have a blow up or he decides, after a time or two or three that it's just "not right that we're doing this" which will put you into an even deeper funk?

    Or, would you rather be a strong person like I'm sure you are and work through this yourself making you feel better and more independent from what's currently holding you back from a lot?
     
  3. Mongatron

    Mongatron New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2010
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Tulsa, OK, USA
    Hi Mittimer:
    The reason he broke up with me was that he said he really never wanted to be in a relationship. He just went along with the idea of being boyfriends because he's a "people pleaser" and didn't want to let me down. He really just wanted to be "friends with benefits" but my feelings for him grew deeper over time.

    I don't want to have random hookups. I was never that sort of person until about six or seven years ago. I had my own place and my libido was through the roof. It was easy to get some decent sex. When I met Jacob, though, it all changed. I quit hooking up, even before we had sex.

    I don't want to "talk him into" anything. If he were having sex with me just to please me I would feel awful. And you're right, I would be put into an even deeper funk if we were to do it a few times and then he says he can't do it anymore.

    Normally, I am a very strong person, but this breakup has really dealt me a blow. I've been reduced to an overemotional wreck. I'm just so afraid of the pain that I have to face in order to get past all of this.

    Thank you, Mittimer. I was afraid to bring this up on this forum, as it seems more sexually oriented than relationship oriented. But I'm glad I did bring it up, as I'm really hurting over this, all the while trying to put on a brave face in front of Jacob.
     
  4. Mittimer

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2010
    Messages:
    7,500
    Likes Received:
    4,380
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Fl
    I know I'm only 21 and my relationships are probably just a speck of sand in the grand scheme of things, but I'm one of those type of people who love easily and get hurt even easier. I spent 3 years of my life (granted it was in highschool) with the same guy. 3 years is a very long time for a 15 year old. We had planned everything, we were each others worlds and that's all that mattered.

    Then, out of nowhere we split. Why? Because he felt I was holding him back and he didn't want a real relationship at that young of an age. Did it hurt? FUCK YES. I thought my life had ended at that point and still to this day at nearly 22 years old, engaged to be married, I'm still not over him. It still hurts. A part of me, regardless of how old I get, who I'm with, how far apart we are will always be with him.

    That relationship made me who I am today. Just like this break up and relationship strife will make you who you are.

    It's going to hurt for a while, ending it with someone who you thought was "the one" always does and always will.

    My best suggestion is to just relax, TRY your hardest to get over this. Distract yourself. Take up a busy hobby. Write about it, get it out. Talk to people about it like you are here, but do not put yourself in a position with him that could just end worse.

    I know some people will say "Oh it could? If we didn't do things just because they COULD blah blah blah" but this is different.

    You love him, you wanted to marry him. He didn't want a relationship. That strong emotional attachment to him will not fade like you want it to and no matter how much you try to hide it, it's easy for the people who know us to see past that facade.

    Relax, breathe deep and take it one tiny step at a time.
     
  5. fothermucker

    fothermucker New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2010
    Messages:
    484
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Unlike other sexual oriented forums, here we understand that the relationship plays a larger role in sex than people seem to realize.:)

    I have to agree with everything Mit said. From the sounds of how hurt you are by the break up, it may not be a good idea to put yourself out there to potentially be hurt even more. It may be best to just take a break from it all, and work on getting over the relationship. Keeping him as a friend could possibly be good, but staying intimately involved will make it much harder to get over. It will continuously stir up those old feelings, which it sounds like you may want to avoid.
     
  6. Lucky

    Lucky New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2010
    Messages:
    260
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Great advise given by Mit, she is wise beyond her years. Let me add though, this has gone on for years you say, all you are doing is prolonging the inevitable, the guy is not wanting to get serious. This keeps you from going out and finding someone who would make you happy. And you deserve to be happy!
     
  7. Mittimer

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2010
    Messages:
    7,500
    Likes Received:
    4,380
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Fl
    Thank you
     
  8. Username1

    Username1 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2010
    Messages:
    28
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Oregon
    I would ask myself if it was realy the sex that i missed most or is this my way of continuing at least some part of the relationship regardless of the inevidable outcome and if so like everyone else here has said is it realy worth all of the emotional problems it brings with it? In the end the choice is yours and yours alone. I unfortunatly was on the oposite end of this several years back where i was the one who didnt want the relationship that started out as just f buddies and she got emotionaly attatched. It went on longer than it should have even after i realised this and i will tell you from my experience when the emotional attatchment is there it might not be as easy to seperate the two as you think. She continued to say that she could but every once in a while she would get upset again and rightfully so. The best thing i could have done for both of us is to end it earlier.
     
  9. marydswan

    marydswan New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2010
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    No, that's not bad idea. You should continue sex with him. If you will continue like this then after some days you will get positive result. And I am also wishing you best luck for you.
     
  10. Barbwire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    9,789
    Likes Received:
    174
    Gender:
    Female
    I'm sorry, but I think that is the worst thing he could do. You can't fuck someone into loving you again once you've broken up. It doesn't work that way.
     
  11. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2006
    Messages:
    450
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    I disagree with your statement that you are able to separate sex from love and I feel you have an emotional attachment to him that is complicated by sex. In addition I feel if you were able to separate sex from love his request to end the relationship for at least a year would not be causing you so much angst. My feeling if this relationship is to survive then respecting his wish should be honored and if you continue to have sex then I feel it will only complicate things further. Finally, your question implies that after a year things may begin again and maybe putting things "on hold" for a year might provide the clarity needed for this relationship.
     
  12. Mittimer

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2010
    Messages:
    7,500
    Likes Received:
    4,380
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Fl
    Sadly, YorkieSmurf
    Our OP hasn't been back in on over two weeks. I don't know if he's coming back :(
     
  13. diesel722

    diesel722 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2010
    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Illinois

    I must say that I have been in the same situation before. I was dating a girl for a period of time and once we broke up we still had amazing sex, sex that was hard to find elsewhere. We continued to have sex and she was still very attached and I was not. It became an issue because she would always get confused, and even would try to date other guys but would come back to me for sex. Eventually I started dating other girls and stopped having sex with her then at that point she really had difficulty with the situation not only was I not allowing her in mentally but physically either so dragging out the sex for so long eventually had its ramifications.
     
  14. diesel722

    diesel722 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2010
    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Illinois


    I agree entirely trying to "fuck someone into loving you" is an awful situation because when you realize what the person is after isn't love then he'll end up more hurt.
     
  15. FlirtyChick

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2007
    Messages:
    4,111
    Likes Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Southeast US
    Diesel and CL are right....let it go....
     
  16. Mongatron

    Mongatron New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2010
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Tulsa, OK, USA
    Sorry I haven't been around. I was going through a major funk and had to crawl into a metaphorical hole for a while. As it turns out, the other day Jacob and I were hanging out over here. I went to the kitchen for some water and as soon as I turned around he grabbed me and started being a lot more than friendly. ;) There's a bit more to the story, but I'm kind of pressed for time right now, but since I saw saw that Mitttimer asked, I wanted to post something immediately.

    I promise to fill you all in within the next few days.
     
  17. Mongatron

    Mongatron New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2010
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Tulsa, OK, USA
    Okay, so here's the fill-in on the story. Really, it just happened out of the blue. I knew all the time that he was going to come around and want sex again. There's no one else on his list as far as people he trusts, is comfortable with, and just generally prefers. Since then we have been together at least three times, and it's been just great. No feelings have been stirred up, no hesitations. It's simply been the way it was before romantic feelings entered in: two best friends that just happen to prefer to have sex with each other.

    As far as my feelings are concerned, I've simply wrapped them up into tight little bundle of a file, and stowed them away in the depths of my brain. The feelings are still there, but they're not readily accessible. I feel totally confident about it. I'm really surprised about how things are going. It's almost as though the romantic episode never happened.

    At this point I have no regrets, no worries that complications may crop up. Honestly, I'm quite happy with where things are at the moment.
    So would I recommend this another in the same situation? I don't know. I think it boils down to a case-by-case basis.

    Again, thank you all for you input and advice. I'd be lost without it.
     
  18. Barbwire

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    9,789
    Likes Received:
    174
    Gender:
    Female
    Good on ya! :tup
     
  19. Mittimer

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2010
    Messages:
    7,500
    Likes Received:
    4,380
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Fl
    I hope things work out for you hun. :)
     
  20. Ready2Please

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2010
    Messages:
    681
    Likes Received:
    193
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    California
    Well I was just in the same spot as you. I recently ended it for good with my then ex. He first broke up with me because I wasn't a big boobed woman. I have other assets that men will want. So anyways, I asked him if we could be friends with benefits. He was a little hestitant so I said ok. Several weeks later he decided he wanted it so I agreed.

    I am somewhat of a kinky person and he knew this when we first started dating. The only bad part of this friends with benefits is that he wouldn't kiss me. I'm not a bad kisser and haven't had any complaints but he wouldn't do it while we were friends. I asked him why and he never gave me a straight answer. He would always say I don't know. He asked me a couple of weeks ago if I would be interested in a couples swap and of course I was all for it. So we took pictures and a video on his phone. So I ask him the next day did he reply. He said no and deleted everything! Im like WTF was the point in asking me if you didn't want to act on it. That pissed me off among other things. He was treating me like crap and I don't stand for that.

    So this past weekend was the finally straw for me! I told him I wanted to end it altogether. It kind of sucks because we see each other in the mornings when he turns the alarm off for the place I work for but oh well. I'm much happier mow not being with him. Because of him though I have found my new found love of anal sex! I use to hate but I'd rather do that position then any other. Lol

    If I could do it all over again I wouldn't only been with him for the occasional fuck and that is it. I was his 1st girlfriend after he separated fr his wife so I think we both moved to fast. But whatever! My life will move on just fine without him in my life!
     
    #20 Ready2Please, Oct 12, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2010