Self Pleasure

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by seattle1, Feb 8, 2008.

  1. seattle1

    seattle1 New Member

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    I have a question for all of the members here who have been in or are in a long term relationship. Do you go through phases where you would rather get yourself off instead of having actual sex? I've been in a LTR for over 3 years now and lately it seems I've lost a little of my "drive" to have sex with my girlfriend. I'm hoping this is just a phase!! :( We get along great but the sex is lacking to say the least, she is complaining alot lately that we don't do it enough.
     
  2. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    It's possible that the sex has possibly grown a bit stale. What are your thoughts on spicing it up?
     
  3. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Sometimes, it's nice to just be in tune with your own pleasure. To me, it's natural. However, if it curtails your sex with your partner to such a point that she notices a change in your attraction to having sex with her, then it indeed is a problem.

    You need to do some serious introspection as to why you would rather have self-induced orgasms instead of working on some passionate interaction between yourself and her. It definitely raises a red flag that should be addressed before too much time has elapsed.
     
  4. seattle1

    seattle1 New Member

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    This probably sounds bad but since we've been together she has let herself go a little. When we got together we were both in great shape, worked out regularly and had similar lifestyles. I'm attracted to girls that take great care of themselves. I've held up my end of the bargain by keeping myself together, she's done a 180!! :ugh On top of all this, she's completely changed her hair color to brunette from Blonde. Oh yeah, I' got a thing for Blondes too. I've even told her I prefer blondes. I feel as though I've been bait and switched!! But I love her, don't know what to do??
     
  5. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Ahhhhh - you like us blonds, huh? Smart man! :lol

    Seriously though, a 3 year LTR is impressive, but not in any way considered a lifetime commitment. You have found certain "details" in your SO that have perhaps caused a momentary disallusionment (is that a word?) - and you are dealing with whether you accept this in a woman who is to be a permanent part of your life.

    You say you love her. Then my advice is to work through it with her. Chances are, she is also upset with her physique, so be gentle and caring in your approach. Women have a very complex emotional/physical makeup. More than likely, her outward appearance is a window to her emotional state. If you care as much as you say, you'll be her 'helpmate' in encouragement and building her self-esteem so that she'll want to do something for herself.
    And you will reap the benefits :)
     
  6. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Well said Rose! (As would be expected!)

    Additional thoughts:

    Try some new things together that neither of you have done before...get some toys, buy her some lingerie, engage in some fantasizing, call her up in the middle of the day and talk dirty to her, find some porn that she would enjoy, etc. As Bluesy would say, "lubricate your mind first"...both yours and hers.

    BD
     
  7. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    The Bluesy quote should go down in the annals of :sf (no pun intended) - it truly was PRICELESS!!

    "Lubricate her mind...."

    WOW!
     
  8. cbrmale

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    Seattle1
    Does your girlfriend know that you are attracted to women who look after themselves? It's not shallow, I'm the same. I have a thing about weight in particular, it's not attractive and it's unhealthy. I don't want to be with someone who is punishing their body and risking all sorts of severe medical conditions? My wife put on some weight, and I found myself less sexually attracted to her, but we talked it through with outside assistance, and she began to make an effort again.

    At the same time I was working in healthcare, and I became even more adverse to overweight. I was surprised to learn that as little as 10% over maximum BMI significantly increases a persons risk for diabetes and cardio-vascular conditions. Only 10%!

    Perhaps you should discuss how important this issue is to YOU. A good diet and some excercise can do wonders in a few months.

    By the way, as a blonde myself, I've got a thing for girls with jet-black hair!
     
  9. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    When I was in my mid to upper 40's, I gained a whopping 50 LBs over my ideal weight :whoa

    During that time, I was very reluctant to want sex with Thorn. Looking back, I realize it probably was my own self-image that caused my lack of libido. Once I lost about 20 LBs or so, I began to feel desirable, and that played into my rising libido. And as I acquired my proper weight once again, I liked what I saw in the mirror and it totally changed my outlook on engaging in intimacy.

    I think my acceptance of my body caused me to get more spunky in bed and it made our sex better than ever!! We did new, even kinky stuff, and I felt no underlying self-conscious thoughts.

    I say this because you mention the lack of spark and excitement lately, and it could be due to her feeling less than pretty. A woman's emotional state can wreak havoc on her sexual drive, for sure.
     
  10. Dreama

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    You were fifty pounds overweight, and you were able to still have that hot bod?? You are an inspiration. :bow
     
  11. cbrmale

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    I'll echo Rose on the impact weight and appearance may be having on your partner. Once my wife started losing the kilos (she was about 10kg overweight), she felt much better. These days she works hard to stay in shape for herself, not for me. Being in good shape her feel good, both clothed and naked.
     
  12. oldkinky

    oldkinky Active Member

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    Here are some things we enjoy-mutual masturbation is hot. I love to see a realistic dildo go in and out of her pussy. Watching sex DVD'S during sex-lots of different toys-dirty talk-fantasizing while watching group sex DVD'S.
     
  13. seattle1

    seattle1 New Member

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    This would all be fine and dandy if it was her libido that needed the jumpstart. She would have sex 8 days a week if I were up for it.
     
  14. Bluesy

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    Oh boy...if a "little weight gain" is enough to turn off your libido, I forsee a very difficult and dissatisfying future for you. The only way to guarantee that any person remains the same, physically, as they are the day you meet them is to put them in a cryostasis chamber. Some women have a terrible time getting rid of post-pregnancy weight, some women develop chronic illnesses that make it extremely challenging to stay in shape...there are all manner of life events and misfortunes that can conspire to change a woman's physicality and true love is able to weather it all without issue. Not to mention, there are plenty of guys out there who like a woman with a bit of extra cushioning on them...keep it up and you're going to chase her away and right into the arms of one of them.
     
  15. bsxy420

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    Very well said bluesy.I have been trying to think of a nice way to put what you said. thank god some one said it. as a woman of having a little more cushion i would be offended if my SO said that i was getting pudgie.
    i agree with everyone else that there are diffrent things that you can do to bring the spark back, like using toys and such. i think you are going thru a stage. only by speaking of personal experiance that is. my bf went thru this stage where i would be asleep and he wouldnt wake me, he would just rather masterbate. it made me very angry. but we talked about it and our sex life is better than ever. maybe you should talk to her about your sex drive. you wouldnt believe what you can fix by just talking about the problem with your SO.
     
  16. cook74

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    Please tell me if i have missed something, but so far I have picked up that you have lost your libido or sexual attraction to your partner because she has a.) dyed her hair and b.) she has put on some weight. If that is the case then I believe you two have a big problem. These 2 issues are relatively small in comparison to the issues the two of you will have to face as the years dwindle by (that is if the relationship takes you that far).

    If you really love her then I can understand that you care about her putting on weight as a health issue, but if it is anything like your issue with her hair color then I believe that you might be looking at it from somewhat of a selfish angle. So please tell me that isn't the case...
     
  17. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    And another thought, since it's YOUR aversion to intimacy with her....

    Do you tend to look at alot of Porn? If so, chances are you have this 'perfect woman' image burned into your mind. Those women work out all day and eat next to nothing. That can cause one to be dissallusioned with a real-life S.O. My suggestion (if truly love her) is to stop looking at porn.

    In :sf's Adult Multimedia section, you'll find REAL everyday women who are just as sexy. Possibly MORE sexy, as we sport our packages with pride and erotica and come in every size, shape and hair color.

    And as Bluesy said, many men drool with lust at the sight of a woman who has a little something to hold on to, and ignoring her need for passion could send her to the arms (and life) of one of them.
     
  18. Dreama

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    Yeah...Nobody's perfect. Everyone changes. How would you feel, if you started losing your hair, and your girlfriend no longer wanted to be intimate with you? It would feel terrible, I'm sure. Your girlfriend needs your support, not for you to judge her.
     
  19. seattle1

    seattle1 New Member

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    What really concerns me is that she's only 25 with limited responsibilities. What's it going to be like when she has 2 kids in 10 years? I'm not completely in the dark about what happens to people as they age! I'm just a little shocked to see it happen so early. I don't think that makes me selfish or unrealistic.
     
  20. Joe

    Joe
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    As one who gets a shot of libido-enhancing testosterone replacement every month, I can understand a loss of sex drive. People do have different libidos. However, there is one thing you can easily do to improve it, and that's stop masturbating. If you're using self-pleasure as an outlet instead of making love to your partner, when she's complaining about not getting enough sex.... That's just wrong. And selfish. And NOT good for your relationship. Put an immediate end to masturbating and you'll appreciate sex with your partner more often.

    I probably enjoy masturbating as much as anyone. I'm also attracted to thin, shapely blondes, but I've enjoyed relationships with women of all sizes and shapes, from 3 feet tall to 6 feet tall. They've had jet black hair, brown hair, red hair, blonde hair and grey hair. (No blue yet.) I've never, ever preferred masturbation to love-making, not with any of them. If they're ready, I'm ready. If they might be ready, I'm ready. If I know my partner won't want sex (having period or out of town), that's when I'll help myself.

    If you just can't keep your hands off yourself indefinitely, talk to your partner about it. Circle a day every month on the calendar for jerk-off day. Maybe she can join you and it'll still be an intimate time for both. Mutual masturbation can be fun and educational, and your partner won't feel like she's being left out.