Self Mutilation

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Kermit, Dec 14, 2011.

  1. Kermit

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    I'm in a dark mood so i thought i'd share dark experiences, maybe some of you can relate in some capacity.

    I was gonna put a GRAPHIC! WARNING! tag but we're all adults here and feel free to share your own expereinces too if any of you are out there in SF land. But it is fairly graphic cause i'm trying to be raw and honest about something i have mixed feelings about. Part of me feels it's harmless yet socially taboo but part of me feels it might be a bad thing psychologically.

    I don't think i'm the only one who has that issue....but before i share my personal story i wanted to say I've been cut-free since March 2010 (alcohol free since october 2009). But unfortunately i supose you could say a week ago was my last time i did something to myself, i was trying a painkiller for the first time and i took one of my cigarettes and burned myself in my decreased pain enough to cause a second degree burn so ican't really say i've completely quit.

    But anyways i would say i started at 16 but really was when i was in 7th grade and i broke a slide on my microscope and had an urge, this is where it gets hazy, i either blacked out or i literally had something so sharp i felt no pain. But i cut my wrist open and it freaked me out. I later picked it up 4 years later with an urge to cut my belly and later my right hip with a shaving razor. Bunch of little little cuts. Never understood why at the time. I later took a razor and went crazy must have made 80 cuts, my arm was covered in blood and scratches, and later burned like a sunburn and couldn't twist it so i was palms up for a bit. I continued on for a bit then stopped.

    I came back to it with broken glass instead of a razor. I used whatever glasses i had broken by mistake, but never on purpose. Symbolism i suppose, cutting myself by my own mistakes. As i did it, i needed deeper and deeper cuts, first i was just happy with bleeding scratches, but i wanted more blood and deeper scratches carving open trenches in my arm or legs. That's what i called cuts deep enough for the skin to split open. I was frustrated with it, so i went into razor blades, making deeper and deeper cuts that i suspect later should have gotten stiches.

    Part of me wondered the reason..i guess I'm expected to have a reason. I dislike pain so i would try to maximize damage but minimize pain. It has helped sometimes as a mood stablizer but often I've theorized maybe i'm jsut twisted and finding it a macabe form of entertainment manisfested from my self-loathing trying to see how much damage i can cause to myself. Going from the edge to the corner. My last one was really really deep, very wide, blood everywhere.

    But i've stopped for a while not sure how long, just according to how i feel. I'm not in a great place right now, better but not great. But i thought i'd share with everyone, we share everything so why not this. Thanks for letting me share, please share your experiences and stories so we're not only commenting on how fucked up Kermit is
     
    #1 Kermit, Dec 14, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2011
  2. Twizted

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    This to me is cry for help? I would check things out with a professional, it sounds extremely deep and profoundly painful physically. I guess the question is why hasn't someone said something these cuts must show. I feel your pain in a bad way. I know your not asking for sympathy but obviously you need a free ear. I guess in all i hope I helped in some small way for ya.
    It sounds as though your emotions want to manifest themselves physically, I personally think that urge should be rearranged emotionally and easier to understand inside.

    :nerv

    if it works to share ,add me and holler anytime. ill do my best to get back at ya
     
  3. Dragon_Fire

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    When I'm having a moment of extreme emotional pain, I use a craft knife on myself. However I've never cut deep enough to cause any damage or open up the skin as you've called it. Most of the time it has resembled nasty cat scratches. I find it has an amazing calming effect, however due to my daughter's presence I haven't done it for a couple of years as I feel it could traumatise her if she saw it.

    There was one occasion a few years ago when I was determined to avoid using the knife that I resorted to punching myself in the thighs. A couple of other times, I've tried to draw blood with my own finger nails but mostly I stay strong for my child's sake.

    Only the first time that I did it was for the benefit of my ex. (I wanted him to see how much he was hurting me.) All other times it was an emotional release, similar to someone taking a shot of Scotch to calm their nerves. I've talked it out with a psychologist and even she agreed that many self harmers do it as a coping mechanism.
     
    #3 Dragon_Fire, Dec 14, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2011
  4. 1hotmamma420

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    undefined
     
  5. 1hotmamma420

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    Ya know buddy, we all have our demons. You already know my biggest one. Stay strong. Don't let yourself go down that road again. Try not to resort to the addiction as a way to escape. I have never cut, but I do know that feeling of self harm. And not gonna lie....that numbness and high that it brings is great...BUT....its not worth risking your life over. You have come soo far in being "clean and free" don't throw that away. Make a goal for yourself, a reason not to cut or not to pick up a drink. You have the strength inside you to stay strong. So don't go down that dark path again. If ya need me, i'm here.
     
  6. pbs

    pbs
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    We're all broken in one way or another, and we find ways to cope. As a teen, I was so depressed that I put headphones on and turned up the music so loud I couldn't hear myself think, and it helped by giving me relief from the pain. IMO, talking about it is another way of coping. I had no one back then, but you have us now. I hope we can help.
     
  7. RideNaked2

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    I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now Kermmy.

    When I was going through my divorce...almost every time that I had to have a conversation more than a few minutes with my ex I wanted to run my car into a tree. I even had a tree picked out, at the speed that I would need to be at...I had a PLAN in place. I had a few friends that I knew that I could trust...one was (at the time) a deputy for the sheriff's department. I called into dispatch one night cause I couldn't get him at home...he knew if I was calling him through dispatch it was URGENT that I needed him. He never knew that I had a plan or even really all the details...anyway...he responded to me within only several minutes. He just sat with me for a little bit and we chatted...I know that he doesn't know that he had saved my life that night.

    I now know that (due to T) that everything is worth living for!

    Just a quick version of personal experience...hit me up if you ever need to chat...the PM will come direct to my phone and I can hope online right away!
     
  8. AGFUNK

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    Honestly I've never seen anything wrong with cutting. I have cut myself several times. I remember at one point in time when I had 30 scars all over my arms, legs, hips and basically wherever the clothing hid it. Cutting is a comfort thing. It releases endorphins and makes us feel better. It becomes a problem though when you are cutting deep enough to do some serious damage and cutting way too close to arteries. It is an addiction and a tough one to beat at that but you know what? You CAN beat it. I haven't cut since months before I met my husband so close to 3 years. Yes, I still get the urge to especially during high stress but I've resisted because I know if I start again that I won't stop.

    Like others have said if you need to talk my pm box is always open and I'll eventually get my password to yahoo again.
     
  9. Meow181

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    Hey froggie. Yr normal. Behind evey negative behaviour is a need not being met. Some self-harm, abuse in various forms, over use of illegal substances, commit crime or whateva their release maybe. The trick is to identify what the trigger/s are that coz yr desire to slash up and find a alternative outlet rather than to inflict injury on yrself. Maybe walking, pc games, talk to us all here who really care about you. Even if like me I'm thousands of miles away in Australia. You've been through a shit load last few months be kind to yrself, lick yr wounds allow yr broken heart to mend and if the urge comes to slash up try distract yrself and maybe next time u won't self harm. The brain is rather primative n will always take the quickest n shortest route to obtain satisfaction/pleasure. Got to try n re-train yr
    patterns n self-harm might become a distant memory. Chin up froggie. Big hugs Da Meow
     
  10. Kermit

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    Maybe a deeper question is why do i enjoy self harming? Why do i like seeing as much damage as possible in burns or cuts or seeing how much i can tear myself up with alcohol? I'm not into pain (though sometimes i do get relief from a cut when i'm having an episode), maybe i just enjoy it seeing how much i can destroy myself in a sense At the time if i woke up that morning, id idn't have too much. Limits didn't exist, i drank til i blacked or passed out or ran out.
     
    #10 Kermit, Dec 15, 2011
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2011
  11. Meow181

    Meow181 Active Member

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    Deifne enjoyment in yr instance?... yrs maybe very different to mine and others.... Again we go back to the primal brains logic.. to go to the shortest path to get the quick fix/hit of endorphins..... in my history of self harm (34yrs - last episode was a wire cut running 8 inches up my leg done in anger mode 6 weeks ago) ..... mine is to justify to myself the pain I am feeling inside is physically felt as painfully as I am feeling pain internally fighting my demons... there is still visable in some of my pics on my right under forearm, near my elbow a scar where I had a semi-blunt knife inserted 7 months ago and was going to pull it deep all the way up to my wrist...yes I should of had stitches but no I didnt bother...I havent had a episode since... my gaps between can go for years without slashing up.....as to why you like seeing your damage that only you can answer through analyising your own emotional state and thoughts at the time before, during and after the cut... then you may have a clearer view of your feelings....

    We drink beyond all reasonable limits because we can...of all areas of our life where we have had to comply with mandatory limits that we perceive as pathetic..... . its one area no one else can control.. we also drink for that false primal brain request of.. fastest way to a happy hit .. we think we r in control.... ... but then our dark thoughts invade so we drink more to drown them.... but we can only drown them when we black out...in the morning we suffer all day as a result of a false high... so the cycle continues.. until u decide to stop....

    Does this help Froggie??
     
  12. Kermit

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    Yes, i define enjoyment by amusement i suppose or entertainment, there is nothign sexual about cutting or burning. A friend of mine can do that incorporate cutting into sex, but i never wanted to try it's something so personal so spiritual for lack of a better word, to be caught doing it would be like being caught masturbating i guess (err bad example) i'ts just something so personal and private, i wouldn't do it in front of anyone.
     
  13. Meow181

    Meow181 Active Member

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    And amusement brings happy thoughts .... nothing sexual in my slashs either mines purely psychological and emotional... same same..... I go to all lengths to cover up my cuts....... yeah lol your example sucked!! ahahhahahahahahah
     
  14. boobjob

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    Kermit, I have always respected your posts. Even all the time I was lurking before I reistered and started posting myself. I know that you are having a tough time now and I really reccomend going to a therapist and talking about this. Even your internist could be of some help. We don't want you to get hurt. I know that you are in emotional transition now. Nothing wrong with getting help from a professional. I have been through a few times in my life of emotional upheaval and each time have gotten some help. Once was when my wife and i were having some problems and i sought help from clergy with great success. I also lost a job and my internist came to the rescue with an antidepressant that did the trick. You asked for stories. I am not giving details but I assure you you are not the only one. Please believe me that the moral of my stories is that there is help out there and the help works. There is lots of real help out there.
     
  15. Kermit

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    the majority of my cuts are on my calves (i have a hundred plus scars) and i never wear shorts. Never liked them even before my legs were scarred up
     
  16. Trond

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    I heard in a documentary (which may or may not be correct) that many people do this to "refocus" pain. If they are hurting real bad emotionally, then focusing on physical pain takes away from the emotional stress. Does this sound like nonsense or is there something to it? Sorry that I can't help in any other way, but perhaps it makes sense to figure out why you do this.
     
  17. Meow181

    Meow181 Active Member

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    You've explained me to a T ;) I know why I do it and I aim each week now for slash free time. Month is my goal next week. I've got to re-focus my episodes if u like in a more positive manner. Breeding birds, creative art etc. It usually works but I've been through perhaps the lowest point in my life ever in the last 14 months. I'm delighted that I've only slashed up 3 times during this time. When I was a teenager it would of been many more. So in other words this is one of my demons that I fight in my life every day.