Self hatred may ruin sex life forever....

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by DazzleKitty, Dec 28, 2010.

  1. DazzleKitty

    DazzleKitty New Member

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    Hey everyone,

    I am fairly new here. I made a post a little while ago and I thank those who responded.

    I have been dating my current boyfriend for two years and at the beginning of the relationship he said he didn't want sex until he was married. After two years of this, I told him I can't stay without sex anymore. A lot of things were going bad in the relationship and that was just one thing on the pile of things that was making it not go so great.

    Well, he said he has been thinking of changing his mind on the sex thing recently and has been trying noticeably hard to remedy all the bad things in the relationship.
    He actually let me see his penis. This is a huge step to me. Before, he wouldn't even do anything like that. We haven't done anything since then. The talk took place about a month ago. We haven't had any alone time since then, unfortunately. It seems we never get a time when we can get intimate because someone else is always around. We both live at home still. He is 26 and I am 23.

    I have very low self-esteem. I am also diagnosed with type II bipolar disorder. One of the biggest issues is my weight. I weigh about 270 pounds. But I am also tall (5ft 8in) and very large framed. My boyfriend is 6 ft 4in and is just short of 200 pounds.
    Next to him, I just feel like a cow. I have always been under the impression that guys should weigh more than girls. I like the idea of a stronger, heavier male and it sexually appeals to me, but I'll be hard pressed to find any guy like that due to my build (even if I was slimmer).

    I haven't had sex in over two years. I'm very inexperienced and have only done it four times, each time it was horrible or interrupted. I'd really like to experience sex with someone I truly care about. So I am thinking I am finally going to have sex with my boyfriend. It's only a matter of time, I think. Heck, it may even be this week. I am not sure. We may have alone time together. But I think I may have to be the one to make the move. But I am scared.

    I feel my weight makes me more insignificant as a person. I feel like I can't even relate to slender people because my fat makes me so much more different. I don't even feel like I deserve a good relationship because of my weight. I really love the guy I am with and I feel like I don't really deserve to have someone like that.
    I really like who he is, but he's also one of the most physically attractive men I have ever seen. A lot of other people I know don't think he's that great, but to me he's one of the hottest guys I've ever seen. I feel so ugly next to him. I think people probably wonder "what's he doing with an ugly girl like her?"

    In the last several years, I have never been able to get aroused. When I was in my early and mid (or even later) teens, I could get really aroused. I've never noticed myself getting wet (my doctor said I'm dry there and need lubricant, so I am sure that's why). I used to get so aroused I could hardly stand it. But the last five or so years it's just been a dead feeling. Vibrators do nothing.. Fingering does nothing. I've used gels meant for being applied to the clitoris to make it more sensitive, and that enhances nothing. I know I am trying way too hard to enjoy it, and that makes me not enjoy it. I get extremely frustrated, angry, and depressed when I try to masterbate because I feel nothing. It's almost like my clit goes numb.
    I've had my hormones tested in a blood draw, so I am sure hormones aren't a factor here.

    I am also on three pills that can lower sex drive- Lamictal (mood stabilizer), Lexapro (antidepressant), and a birth control pill. I cannot stop taking any of these.

    I used to be able to look at porn and get really turned on. Not anymore. I end up comparing myself to the thin, beautiful girls. When I watch bbw porn, I just get depressed because I'm not getting sex and because I feel as though I'll never enjoy it anyways.

    I want sex because I want to prove myself that I can enjoy it eventually. Also, it makes me feel closer to my partner. I crave sex lately.

    The only thing that really gets me turned on sometimes is erotic romance novels. But it's nothing that has me hot and and panting.

    I even get embarrassed when I masterbate, believe it or not. Not because I think it's bad (I'm quite far from being a prude), but because I feel like I am too fat and ugly to masterbate. I don't even like seeing myself naked, so how can I expect a male to do the same?
    My boyfriend is a virgin. If I cannot please myself, how can I expect him to please me? I don't want him to feel bad because he cannot give me an orgasm.

    When he kisses me, he gets really into it. He can get "aggressive" and he gets very hard. I can't get into his kisses because I feel so self conscious and wonder how he can get turned on kissing me. I know it's pretty stupid of me but it's how I feel.
    I want to get into them but I can't. If I can't get into his kissing, I'll never get into sex. I'm terrified for him to see me naked. He has said several times he doesn't mind my weight but I still am scared. He gets angry when I cut myself down.

    I also feel like I am fat bitch for "making" him have sex with me. I feel like I am somewhat forcing him if we do it soon, because I told him I'm dump him if I didn't get it. It just makes me hate myself more.

    I can't bring myself to relax. Even getting drunk or tipsy doesn't allow me to get fully aroused. I am at my wits end. Is there any kind of medical thing I can do to help me get a libido?
    I know my ability to relax myself when it comes to my self esteem can only be helped myself, but I am scared about the ability to get physically around.

    This thread bounced around a lot. Sorry about that. And thanks to those who read it.
     
  2. AGFUNK

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    Well I think I might be able to give you some good advice. I have also been diagnosed as Bipolar but type one which is worse. I have gone through much of the same stuff that you have been going through. When I was in highschool I was dating a guy that was a virgin and was waiting for marriage. I myself had already been sexually active for a year so when he told me that he did not want to have sex it threw me into a slew of emotions. We compromised with just touching and kissing and that seemed to work well for the both of us.

    Now as for your self-esteem about your weight. I completely understand where you are coming from. I myself am also overweight. I'm 5'2'' and 190 pounds. I am married and I'm still self conscious about my weight around my husband. He insists that he doesn't care about my weight and that he loves me just the way I am. The thing I have learned about my weight and how my husband thinks of me is that he is telling the truth that he loves me just the way I am. So if your boyfriend tells you that he likes you just the way you are and doesn't care about your weight you should believe him.

    As for your libido, if you have tried everything that you can think of then maybe you should try going to see your doctor and try different medications to control your Bipolar disorder. It's more than likely the medication. There is different medications. I would think it would be the Lexapro that's doing it. It might be the Lamictal as well. I was on a bunch of different medications and my doctor had to keep switching them around because of the side effects. The last medications I was on was Depakote and Cymbalta and my sex drive was elevated. Of course different medications affect people differently. It might be worth a try to change meds if that is possible for you.

    And lastly as for you feeling like a b**** for feeling like you are pressuring him to have sex with you perhaps maybe you guys should wait then. Relationships don't have to have sex to be successful. Perhaps you two can work out a compromise like I did with my boyfriend in highschool. You two should sit down and talk to each other about your feelings about sex and your feelings for each other. That way you can both understand where you each are coming from on sex and on your relationship.

    I hope that I helped:)
     
  3. lovn_my_bbw

    lovn_my_bbw New Member

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    hey there DK, im sorry for the position your in, i somewhat know what your going through, im 22 and my wifey is 20 and we both still live with our parents and cannot enjoy great sex with out interruptions or worrying about them.it something we have to work with because i cant concentrate when im worrying. my lady is fits your figure discription even though she wont tell me her weight i figure its right around were your at, im almost 300 but im 6'2", so we make work with what we got, we both had selfasteem issues at first but have gotten past them. in your situation i think its your mental dissorder thats your problem not the wieght.i personally prefer bigger women and i love mine.there is no problem at all with being big.its very sexy, thats one problem my wifey had, she didnt feel sexy enough. so we found to great stores that carry plus size sexy undergarments, lane bryant and fredricks of hollywood they also have good online stores if you dont want to go to the mall. but maybe you need to see a doctor.but i feel for you and i think you would be great at sex you just need to keep your head up and not worry about anything.....he's atleast trying....

    best of luck :D
     
  4. DarkJewel

    DarkJewel New Member

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    I'll let ya know
    When I was on lexapro,I also had a problem getting aroused and I couldn't orgasm for anything.It's pretty common with most antidepressants.Have you tried any other ones?
    I'm on Prozac and it doesn't effect me the same way,but my dr. said if it did there are others to try that aren't supposed to effect your sex drive as much.

    I really sympathize with you because bipolar meds sometimes add to weight gain and make you feel more depressed then you already are.But others tend to make you lose weight,so if you feel in any way you have gained from these meds,you should bring this up to your doctor and tell him/her how important trying to lose weight it for you and if there is anything else you can try.

    Also,birth control pills can flatten your sex drive too,so it really does not sound like it is just you that can't get turned on,but the things you are taking.I completely understand not wanting to come off any of them,but if there are alternatives,what could it hurt to try?

    I feel bad for you for buying into the whole porn thing,because most women just don't look like that.Everyone has something about themselves they often find unattractive...
    Everyone also has something nice looking on themselves too.Maybe you have beautiful hair or flawless skin or pretty eyes? My advice is to focus on the things about yourself that ARE good.And try to play them up and accentuate them.

    Get your nails done,buy lingerie that covers parts you don't like and flaunts what you do.If you don't like your tummy,wear something that covers it but bares your breasts...There has to be something you like about yourself...

    It sounds like your boyfriend doesn't want to lose you.And since he is a virgin,he will be so nervous about his own performance the first time,he probably will not even notice your flaws.
    But if you cannot even get turned on,I doubt that you would even enjoy the sex that much and it sounds like you really want to.So...please talk to your doctors.There are always alternatives.If worst comes to worse,maybe they will give you testosterone cream which has been known to rev up a woman's sex drive.But only ask for it as a last resort as it can cause hair growth and some other male side effects you may not want.
    Stop comparing yourself to thin girls though.You are beautiful for who you are,obviously your boyfriend thinks so since you have been together 2 years.
    There are all different sizes and shapes and those who find them attractive.
    Not all men want the barbie doll type!
     
  5. andretti

    andretti New Member

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    I have a few suggestions that may help a little bit.

    1) I agree with others here - don't be too down on yourself because of your weight. Remember, the brain is our biggest sex organ, and there's much more to having great sex than having ideal looks! For the record, I'd rather be paired with an ordinary-looking - even overweight - woman who has a great sense of adventure and active imagination, rather than a stunning knockout who didn't do much except open her legs. And many men are being sincere when they tell their partners that they look just fine.

    2) Be patient. You sound rather young. A great sex life is rarely built in a short amount of time. It takes time and patience. Hang in there. You want to have a good sex life eventually, and your current lack of drive concerns you. That alone hints that things may work out fine in the long run.

    3) Start a regular exercise routine. You may even manage to shed a few pounds (which would be a nice bonus), but, even if you don't lose much weight, at least you'll feel good that you're doing something. Plus, getting the blood moving helps the libido! You don't have to order P90X or something intense like that - even just a brisk walk every other day can do the trick.

    In short, you may be facing some problems now, but please don't think anything is doomed to be ruined "forever," as you imply in your subject line.

    There's other good advice in this thread, too. I hope it all helps, and wish you the best.
     
  6. Godiva

    Godiva Member

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    Make sure you're both sure you want to go through with it.
    Seriously not point in doing it if you're going to have inhibitions- it wont be great.
    You need to get over your hang ups.
    My bf tells me i'm beautiful, and sometimes i believe him- and when i do, its a KICK of fun! When i don't, he can tell, and lack of confidence is a turn off- so it all goes sour.
    So please, try to believe him. The stuff i find unattractive, he happens to find attractive.
    And he isn't the hottest man in the world- he is to you because he loves you. Trust me, he has many flaws....and everyone sees them but you- because your in love. Well, same goes for him, he cannot see your flaws as flaws because he loves you.
    Trying to make yourself feel something- it wont happen. Letting go and having no hang ups- and it eventually will. Just go with the feelings.
     
  7. DazzleKitty

    DazzleKitty New Member

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    Thank you all so much for the responses! I wish I had the time to cover them all individually but I'll get to my main points.

    One thing I wanted to mention in my original post that I never got around to doing so is how my parents respond to my weight. They nag me a lot about it, particularly my mom. She isn't excessively cruel about it, but she drives me to the brink of insanity at times. I gained about 30 pounds in the last couple of years. My mom said I was looking so good and my dad said I was looking so beautiful and I would have had guys lined up wanting to date my. I look a lot like my mom (who also struggles with weight) and she said that since I look like her, when I'm thin I looked like she did when she was young. And that's why my dad thinks I look beautiful when I'm smaller because I remind him of my mom.
    It seems like everytime I open up my mouth to take a bit of something my mom says I don't need it. It's too fattening. And almost everyday she asks me when I am gonna diet. The more she nags, the less likely I am to try anything soon. This nagging makes me feel ugly. I talk to her a lot about my boyfriend. I ask her if she thinks he will not get turned on by me. She says of course he will, then later says I'd look so much better if I'd drop about fifty pounds.

    I know I am sounding like a whiny teenager but my mom drives me insane. I told her several times that her bothering me makes me hate myself more and then she just gets angry. I want it to stop. Everytime I have dieted in the past, it had nothing to do with her but something else inspired me to do it. Something I read, saw on tv,etc. I told her this but she still insists she must keep on me.
    She won't stop no matter what I do. It's hard to tune it out.

    I actually feel like a fish out of water on places like these. Like sex forums are only for slender people and no one like me should expect getting this stuff. I have the impression everyone here is thin, but i know that's not true. I'm just tired of feeling like I am a lower species but no kind of therapy I have tried has fixed this.

    I have recently thought about going on new meds to help my sex drive. I heard Wellbutrin is pretty good in saving or even enhancing your sex drive. It took me a long time to find a pill combination that worked for me, and I'm scared to get into a huge slump again. Most pills work for a while then wear off. Lexapro and Lamictol hav ebeen working strong together for two years now which is a real record for me.
    I talked to my psychiatrist about it but he seemed to brush the topic off. I'm thinking about finding a new one soon. He's a nice guy, but I feel awkward discussing these topics with a 70 year old man that likely doesn't understand how much the situation worries me.

    I have heard of the testosterone cream! Actually, it sounds like it just might be something worthwhile to try. Do OB/GYNs typically prescribe it, or would a general primary care physician do the same? The side effects don't worry me if they are something minor to deal with.

    I've been told numerous times women in porn aren't realistic. I've been told guys aren't as picky as they seem and are honest about how they feel about their woman's looks. However, since my guy is a virgin and hasn't seen a woman naked ever, I feel like he may be naive about how a fat girl like me really looks like under my clothes. That seems to be a blow to his intelligence (he is very smart), but he seems so virginal in mind I don't know if he's considered what I look like naked. He's extremely shy to discuss sex whereas I love to talk about it. Opposites attract, I guess. I just hope he's a bit dominant in bed when the time comes!

    I've stopped caring about my looks lately. Don't try to make sure my makeup looks good. As horrible as this is, I look at lingerie for big ladies and think it's pointless because it doesn't look right on us like it does on thin gals. I'm extremely negative. I hate that about myself.

    Someone mentioned I should take back the idea of having sex with him because it's not needed. I can see where this true in some instances, but i need him to have sex with me to know he truly wants me. He plans on marrying me. I don't want him to marry me, then have sex with me and realize how gross I am under the clothes when it's 'too late'. Plus, sex makes me feel closer and more wanted. I feel like he is missing out too but not having sex. He's getting close to thirty. Plus, he's shown more interest in doing it. I can tell in the way he kisses. It's much more aggressive.
    Basically, I really need the sex to know I'm wanted in the relationship. Also, my first boyfriend said he never wanted to have sex in the relationship because he was scared and said he'd never have sex as long as we were together. I want some proof the guy I am with is sexually normal. It's something that worries me.

    Thank you all again for your help. :)
     
    #7 DazzleKitty, Dec 29, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2010
  8. johndeeregirl

    johndeeregirl New Member

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    *hugs* it sounds almost as if your parents are a bit emotionally abusive?

    Lexapro (from experience) can kill your sex drive

    there are PLENTY of guys who love bigger women (BBW & SSBBW - big beautiful women & super size big beautiful women) - if he wasn't attracted to you, I doubt he'd want to marry you.. people can say looks aren't important but attraction definitely is!

    don't put pressure on yourself to lose weight/have sex/etc.. all that's going to do is stress you out

    if you both want sex.. do it :) if you (or him) aren't quite ready, wait!


    take it from someone who has suffered from mental illness, eating disorders, and is a bit overweight at about 210/5'7" - there is someone for you.. occasionally it DOES bother me that my man weighs less than me.. but he treats me great, tells me I'm beautiful and makes me feel beautiful (even on the days where I feel that surely I am THE ugliest girl in the world)

    when I was about 18, I learned that once I started acting like I was the hottest girl in the world, my confidence soared and no longer was I shy to run around naked in front of my man
     
  9. DarkJewel

    DarkJewel New Member

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    Hi Dazzlekitty...I definitely know how you feel about the nagging mother!!! Mine sometimes drives me to the brink of insanity.Except with mine is not about weight,but HAIR,as she seems to think if you aren't blonde,you aren't attractive.I used to dye my hair blonde to please her,but my husband prefers my natural brunette,and since I have been dark again my mother CONSTANTLY makes comments how much prettier I was with Blonde hair...:mad

    I don't live with my mom,but she is the type to call and nag me 20 times a day and just show up at my place,so it's hard to get away from her.It seems to me that our mothers maybe take out THEIR insecurities on us.I wish I could say I have found a remedy for this,but I know how frustrating it can be!
    I can definitely see the more she nags you,the less you want to do anything about it!

    Here is a question,have you tried that Ally stuff? You take one with each meal and it blocks some of the fat you eat? It's not a magic pill but it does really help if you are trying.
    Anyhow,it sounds to me like you are pretty attractive by what your father says even with the weight.
    I know you THINK the lexapro and the other stuff are helping,but if you are feeling this bad about yourself,you gotta ask if it really is.I'm glad you are thinking of finding a new doctor,if they don't take you seriously,you definitely should.Your concerns should ALWAYS be important to your doctor.I could see where a 70 year old isn't going to do that though when it comes to looks.

    About your boyfriend...I know you won't believe me,but more then likely after you have sex with him he will be COMPLETELY in love with you.You will be sharing something with him he has never had before,and that bonds people in strong ways.
    Of course not EVERYONE falls in love with their first,but if it is a good experience and you already love the person,then yes it absolutely makes you feel even stronger about them afterward.I don't think your flaws will even be on his mind...he'll be thinking,I JUST HAD SEX!!!!

    About the testosterone cream,ideally you would ask your GYN about it,but maybe a nice GP would prescribe it too if you asked.:)
     
  10. Texas_Red

    Gold Member

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    Your parents need to stop living vicariously through you. The past is the past. If dad likes how mom looked when she was younger, then mom needs to lose some weight. It is wrong and incredibly rude of them to be putting pressure on you to lose weight for those reasons. It's possible your mom and dad may mean well, but they aren't doing right by you with the approach they are taking. Not by a long shot.

    You hardly sound whiny. You've got some legitimate gripes here, and it's not hard to understand why you're having the issues you are. As far as your mom, I don't know what to say. It's clear she's not thinking of how she makes you feel, how what she says comes off. Perhaps you need to be a little more forceful in your telling her she's doing more harm than good? Not really sure how to go about that. Sometimes it takes an angry outburst to really get someones attention.

    Yeah, definitely keep looking for a doc that you can feel comfortable with. That has a big impact on how things go.

    People in porn are absolutely not realistic. They do all kinds of things to remove blemishes and other "less than desirable" things. Anal bleaching, waxing, post processing of video to airbrush the skin tones. I don't much care for mainstream porn for that reason. The "flaws" make it more real to me, and therefore more interesting. Simple things like being able to see the veins beneath the skin, or the flushed look of skin capillaries, etc. I'm also partial to chubby girls, because the skinny look is passe to me. I find girls with a bit of weight on them much more attractive in general.

    At first I'd say it's good you don't really care, but given the reasoning I don't think that's the case. I mean, you shouldn't care about the superficiality of it, but you should be able to feel good about looking good.

    As for lingerie, you have to use the right stuff. I don't have any links or anything atm, but I know they make lingerie for bigger girls that does all the right things to help make it flattering and sexy. You'll just have to look around more I guess.

    I would agree with those who are against your pushing sex for the reasoning of needing to know he wants you. If he really plans on marrying you, then he wants you. However I also agree with you about the possibility of compatibility issues. I do subscribe to the "try before you buy" mantra when it comes to marriage and sex. Sex may not be the only thing in a relationship, but in a monogamous relationship it's a very large part, and compatibility is a must.

    It sounds to me like you just need to keep at it with him, and maybe be a little more aggressive here and there to help move things along if he seems to be responding. It sounds to me like both of you are incredibly worried about making each other sexually happy, and it's actively killing the mood. Neither of you is going to be able to fully enjoy the act when you're wearing 10 tons of worry and stress over how you look and how you'll perform, etc.
     
  11. HisLilSecret

    HisLilSecret New Member

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    Sweet sweet DazzleKitty! I gained alot of weight in the last few years & I totaly understand how you feel. As for the lingerie, try some stuff on, theres some apron styles that cover the belly & you just never know till you try it on. Maybe you guys can try spending some alone time in a hotel, not to have sex yet but just to have some intimate time together. Get some candles because every one looks better in candle light & just cuddle, who knows you may end up feeling closer. As for your sex drive I think everyone is right about your meds & your doctor. Your bf loves you & I know its hard to hear him over your own insecurities but he means what he tells you. Ive also found that in my late 20's I feel better about myself & have better sex than I did when I was younger. I have been losing weight by only eating chicken, no bread & no sweets. It might be easier for you to go out to eat to get away from your moms underhanded comments, wendys & mcdonalds have healthy choices that have helped me to lose 30lbs! I hope all the comments help, you deserve a healthy sex life!
     
  12. FlirtyChick

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    Dazzlekitty,

    I applaud you hon for talking so openly about so many issues. This indicates maturity beyond your years. I cannot pretend to be able to help with so many issues, and hope you are in therapy. I will tell you, that I have gained almost 50% of my weight within the 2 years since my divorce. Lots of trauma, blah blah, but most importantly, through therapy, and monitored pharmaceuticals for clinical depression I have learned to love me as I am, and to associate only with others that feel the same way about themselves and me.

    It sounds like you have a sound relationship. Be open and honest, but most of all love yourself for being able to harness what sounds like a great guy who loves you despite your flaws. Take care of yourself, and the rest will eventually take care of itself.

    I wish you all the best.
     
  13. lovn_my_bbw

    lovn_my_bbw New Member

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    dont let your parents get to you, my dad and my womans mom used to be the same way, nag nag nag, weight food jobs, nag nag nag, then we moved out and they stopped,unfortunately we had to move back in but they have stopped. it seems like you let them and your weight really bother you, and you shouldnt, everybody has flaws and no body is perfect. i always have believed in "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and if hes with you and wants to marry you then hes serious and if he's holding off sex untill marriage and is still a virgin at his age then he definitely is serious and must under stand what he has and what to expect.everything is going to be ok, you need to focus on your medication and maybe therapy of a life coach to help you lift your spirits up!!!
    :D
     
  14. HisLilSecret

    HisLilSecret New Member

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    Nice lingerie always makes me feel sexy, Ill list some of my favorites for you.....
     
    #14 HisLilSecret, Dec 30, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2010
  15. HisLilSecret

    HisLilSecret New Member

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    For queen size lingerie try torrid, yandy, about curves, curves & hips, or layne bryant or try searching queen or plus size lingerie & you should be able to find some good websites. :) hope you find something that makes you feel sexy!
     
  16. DazzleKitty

    DazzleKitty New Member

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    I want to thank you all again for your heartfelt and sincere responses. You are all a really great bunch and I appreciate the help and encouragement that has been given here.

    I do know that there are guys out there who like big (or even those ssbbws) out there, and it's becoming a more mainstream fetish I think. I tend to see more of it on the internet. I think the media and what we see on tv paints a different picture about fat. Most anything about fat on tv is people who are too obese (like on health channels about huge people losing hundreds of pounds), weight loss commercials, or comedy starring fat people. You rarely ever see something with a fat protagonist that doesn't focus on the weight being a negative factor.

    I am glad you guys agree with me on my parents. Sometimes I feel like I am being immature on our spats even though I feel I am justified at being frustrated and even a little insulted. I know I'm the one who made myself fat. I like to eat. But dang, I don't need it shoved in my face everyday.
    I actually showed my mom some ssbbw videos on the internet. Not porn, mind you, but some interviews and such. She says there are no guys out there that want that, and if they do it's because they are being paid to date these girls. My mom absolutely CANNOT fathom that someone prefers fat, even obese, women over slender women. I don't think she understands just how broad human sexuality is. Not everyone likes the same body type. Humans have sexually complicated minds!
    My grandma, her mother, was very vain about her looks. That,and my mom was sheltered. Sheltered so bad, she thought she was pregnant just by kissing my dad. So maybe her ideas aren't totally her fault. But still, times change and people become more open about what they like. I just wish she wasn't too stubborn to accept there are fat fetishes. It's a big comfort to me to know there ARE guys out there who would go with me despite how I view myself.

    We are very open about sex talk and I even told her about my idea to switch to a different antidepressant that isn't so hard on my sex drive. She says it's nuts to 'screw up my life' for something like that, but I am thinking there is bound to be something out there that works. Yet, I guess I can see her point. But I am going to find a different psychiatrist. Preferably someone that is younger and less conservative. Maybe even female so it'd be easier for her to relate to the sex thing. I work at a hospital, after all. I know we have a few female psychiatrists there. :p

    I was so very close to trying the Alli pill but there is a side effect of it that really freaks me out. It doesn't happen to everyone, but I sure don't want to find out if it'll happen to me. Fats don't digest fully on that pill so the fact goes through your system as a liquid that is the same color as the liquid popcorn butter you buy at the store. It actually tends to just leak out of your butt and you don't even know it. There have been cases of people walking around with it streaking their pants and they are totally oblivious! So because of that, I'm a wee bit hesitant to try it.

    About the realism in porn....a random question. Is it true some women in porn actually get cosmetic surgery on their labia to make them look more perfect?

    I'm going to possibly look into lingerie. There is a Lane Bryant in my area that I shop at time to time. I just never really go for the lingerie because I don't think it'll look good. I guess it cannot hurt to try.

    It's very hard to accept love from someone when you don't love yourself. I feel like I make the relationship unhappy on my side (and for him sometimes when I put myself down in front of him and question if he truly is okay with having a fat girlfriend). I think if I liked myself more, I'd just be happier in the relationship despite other issues that sometimes come up. I wonder if the self hatred is part of my personality or majorly escalated due to my bipolar disorder.

    About having sex with him, I'm gonna let it be. If he decides he wants to do it, I'll let him make the first move. I don't want to put anymore pressure on him that has already been put upon him. He may surprise me and try something since lately he has been doing a lot of out of character things.


    Thank you all again so much. :)
     
  17. Texas_Red

    Gold Member

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    Screw up your life how? By having meds that mess with sex life now, or by changing meds to have a sex life? I can agree with the former, but not the latter. I definitely think you're on track with the decision to find a younger less conservative psych, and I definitely think finding a woman will help as well.

    Yeah, I'd read about that. Only thing you can do there is wear a depends or something. Thing is, I don't think it's all that common, it's just that when it does happen a huge production is made about it. Is that a serious side affect? Yes. Can it be embarrassing as hell? Definitely. But I doubt it's really that common. Really I'd suggest just cutting down how much you eat, and then go on daily walks if you can. Just cutting down what I ate dropped me 60 lbs. I'm still working on the going on walks thing, it's gotten damn cold around here lately, and I find it hard to motivate and drag myself away from the computer. But the drop from 360lbs to 300lbs has made a significant impact on my health.

    Yes, but it's not just porn stars that do it. I recall seeing a show on BBC once about a young lady who got the procedure done because she'd always felt she had too much inner lip down there, and then to make things worse her sister saw her once and made fun of her and told all her friends, girls and guys. She opted for surgery to reduce her lips because she felt abnormal. Thing is, having seen the before picture, she was hardly "grotesque" or anything. She looked perfectly normal. There *are* women out there who have "extra" of inner lip, but really that shouldn't be that big of a deal. Granted for aesthetics and general turn on, I myself prefer "innies" and smaller inner lips, but I'm not repulsed or even bothered by lips that aren't that way. Penises are different in many aspects. Why would vaginas be any different?

    Not being able to love yourself definitely impacts relationships. Putting yourself down in front of him can make him feel bad in a few ways. Not only can it hurt to see a loved one be so down on themselves, it can also make you angry when no matter how you try to make that person feel better, they disagree. Some people can start to feel like you're calling them a liar (though this tends to be not so common I think). You have to accept that whether you can understand why or not, if the person loves you and finds you attractive, then you are. They have no reason to lie to you.

    That will probably help a lot, as the both of you already put enough pressure on yourselves regarding sex. Just let things progress naturally.
     
  18. lovn_my_bbw

    lovn_my_bbw New Member

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    i remember watching that to, worst part was she was 16 or 17 if i remember correctly...

    ...OP.....

    yes you must first love your self before you can be loved by someone else......
     
  19. andretti

    andretti New Member

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    Surgeries like this can be a risky proposition - too much potential for tragic irony, like the case where a woman gets implants, then falls in love with a man who prefers smaller breasts. Someday, this gal is liable to fall for a guy with a fetish for larger pussy lips - maybe even marry him, and he'll be wistful for what could have been.

    Maybe I'm overdramatizing it some, but I know a few people who got surgery and regretted it later (for these reasons, even), and some who almost did, but are now relieved they let things be...
     
  20. Trond

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    I just thought I should add this:
    You said this about your boyfriend: "When he kisses me, he gets really into it. He can get "aggressive" and he gets very hard."

    You are obviously a major turn-on for you boyfriend. I don't think you have anything to fear when it comes to getting naked with him. I hope things work out for you!