Hey everyone, I am fairly new here. I made a post a little while ago and I thank those who responded. I have been dating my current boyfriend for two years and at the beginning of the relationship he said he didn't want sex until he was married. After two years of this, I told him I can't stay without sex anymore. A lot of things were going bad in the relationship and that was just one thing on the pile of things that was making it not go so great. Well, he said he has been thinking of changing his mind on the sex thing recently and has been trying noticeably hard to remedy all the bad things in the relationship. He actually let me see his penis. This is a huge step to me. Before, he wouldn't even do anything like that. We haven't done anything since then. The talk took place about a month ago. We haven't had any alone time since then, unfortunately. It seems we never get a time when we can get intimate because someone else is always around. We both live at home still. He is 26 and I am 23. I have very low self-esteem. I am also diagnosed with type II bipolar disorder. One of the biggest issues is my weight. I weigh about 270 pounds. But I am also tall (5ft 8in) and very large framed. My boyfriend is 6 ft 4in and is just short of 200 pounds. Next to him, I just feel like a cow. I have always been under the impression that guys should weigh more than girls. I like the idea of a stronger, heavier male and it sexually appeals to me, but I'll be hard pressed to find any guy like that due to my build (even if I was slimmer). I haven't had sex in over two years. I'm very inexperienced and have only done it four times, each time it was horrible or interrupted. I'd really like to experience sex with someone I truly care about. So I am thinking I am finally going to have sex with my boyfriend. It's only a matter of time, I think. Heck, it may even be this week. I am not sure. We may have alone time together. But I think I may have to be the one to make the move. But I am scared. I feel my weight makes me more insignificant as a person. I feel like I can't even relate to slender people because my fat makes me so much more different. I don't even feel like I deserve a good relationship because of my weight. I really love the guy I am with and I feel like I don't really deserve to have someone like that. I really like who he is, but he's also one of the most physically attractive men I have ever seen. A lot of other people I know don't think he's that great, but to me he's one of the hottest guys I've ever seen. I feel so ugly next to him. I think people probably wonder "what's he doing with an ugly girl like her?" In the last several years, I have never been able to get aroused. When I was in my early and mid (or even later) teens, I could get really aroused. I've never noticed myself getting wet (my doctor said I'm dry there and need lubricant, so I am sure that's why). I used to get so aroused I could hardly stand it. But the last five or so years it's just been a dead feeling. Vibrators do nothing.. Fingering does nothing. I've used gels meant for being applied to the clitoris to make it more sensitive, and that enhances nothing. I know I am trying way too hard to enjoy it, and that makes me not enjoy it. I get extremely frustrated, angry, and depressed when I try to masterbate because I feel nothing. It's almost like my clit goes numb. I've had my hormones tested in a blood draw, so I am sure hormones aren't a factor here. I am also on three pills that can lower sex drive- Lamictal (mood stabilizer), Lexapro (antidepressant), and a birth control pill. I cannot stop taking any of these. I used to be able to look at porn and get really turned on. Not anymore. I end up comparing myself to the thin, beautiful girls. When I watch bbw porn, I just get depressed because I'm not getting sex and because I feel as though I'll never enjoy it anyways. I want sex because I want to prove myself that I can enjoy it eventually. Also, it makes me feel closer to my partner. I crave sex lately. The only thing that really gets me turned on sometimes is erotic romance novels. But it's nothing that has me hot and and panting. I even get embarrassed when I masterbate, believe it or not. Not because I think it's bad (I'm quite far from being a prude), but because I feel like I am too fat and ugly to masterbate. I don't even like seeing myself naked, so how can I expect a male to do the same? My boyfriend is a virgin. If I cannot please myself, how can I expect him to please me? I don't want him to feel bad because he cannot give me an orgasm. When he kisses me, he gets really into it. He can get "aggressive" and he gets very hard. I can't get into his kisses because I feel so self conscious and wonder how he can get turned on kissing me. I know it's pretty stupid of me but it's how I feel. I want to get into them but I can't. If I can't get into his kissing, I'll never get into sex. I'm terrified for him to see me naked. He has said several times he doesn't mind my weight but I still am scared. He gets angry when I cut myself down. I also feel like I am fat bitch for "making" him have sex with me. I feel like I am somewhat forcing him if we do it soon, because I told him I'm dump him if I didn't get it. It just makes me hate myself more. I can't bring myself to relax. Even getting drunk or tipsy doesn't allow me to get fully aroused. I am at my wits end. Is there any kind of medical thing I can do to help me get a libido? I know my ability to relax myself when it comes to my self esteem can only be helped myself, but I am scared about the ability to get physically around. This thread bounced around a lot. Sorry about that. And thanks to those who read it.