My guess is that because I'm so scared and worried, I'll end up just getting this over with and not presenting enough info to get help. I'm shaking, and really having trouble just focusing on this enough to type it up... Me and my girlfriend are fairly new to sex with eachother... I'm a tad bit seasoned in it, and she's not really experienced at all, thus far. She is a very sexual person, and I enjoy that... a lot. The problem is... she has her "fantasies" about group sex with many men or women focusing on her, and tells me it's not what she would actually do. She would do it in a heartbeat if she thought I wouldn't have a heart attack over it all... that's just how it is. It's not that she doesn't want to do it, it's just that she's okay with going without it. But, being all caring and whatnot, I of course want her to have the things she wants, and I want her to fulfill these fantasies. What's so damn scary to me, and what really sends me in a downward spiral is... I'm nowhere to be found in these fantasies... or at least I wasn't until she realized that it's a bit unfair and doesn't want me to flip out. But I doubt she actually wants me involved. She just wants me happy... but not necessairly happily having sex with her. She just said she'd be fine with me being there and all... like it wasn't a crucial thing if I was there or not. The big one is having a large group of women all focused on her... that's what she wants. She didn't originally want me in it, until she realized that it was just unfair. Not unfair to her... as fair and unfair don't really have definite positions when it comes to pleasure... since being unfair is what some people happen to dig so much about sex. What I'm saying is... she wants me involved not because it seems unfair to her... she couldn't care less... she only wants me involved because it seems unfair to me. So she's making a sacrifice in her fantasy... because she's scared to lose me. She's not leveling things for peace of mind, fairness, or logic... just because she knows how delicate my mind is. Kinda sweet... right? To me... not sweet at all. Just selfish, survivalist, and doing whatever it takes to keep what you want around. We were talking about all this last night, and she opened up to me a lot and told me things about her fantasies... pretty much because I tried to act as calm as possible, even though I was having an anxiety attack. Here's a for-instance-situation: She's bicurious pretty much, and I told her I wanted her to fulfill that fantasy, because I wanted to know if I should adapt to it or leave her... instead of wondering if she's as happy as she could be for the rest of my life. She agreed to try it some time. I asked if I could join in. The idea had never crossed her mind. She said "Not the first time." She never wanted me to be involved. She admitted that it was unfair, but she said she'd never let me do anything with another woman. I told her that she'd have to let that little rule go if she ever wanted to try anything. She did, but very reluctantly. Another for-instance-situation: She wants to have large group of women all focusing on her (she also liked the idea of men doing the same, but no mixing... but she didn't go into detail with the men because she was pretty much testing the waters with me throughout the conversation.) She didn't want to mix men and women, as mentioned, but she didn't want me involved at all, also. She asked if I'd like to have it recorded, and asked me if I'd masturbate while watching it. She likes being watched, and she likes being desired. I lied to her... saying that I would like to have a recording of it, but in my mind, I was thinking "hell no... I wanna be involved... I want to be a part of your desires... I WANT TO BE SOMETHING YOU DESIRE." I just want to be a part of her fantasies, but she's very reluctant to take that idea. She said "We're going to end up being swingers, aren't we?" I said yes, but I wasn't thinking "yes... oh yay.. great." It was more of a oh-god-i'm-going-to-kill-myself yes. I'll get to the point. I don't want to be a cuckold. I don't want to sit outside a room listening to her moan and scream to watch her and other women come out, her not talking to me out of guilt, and later leaving me... because I can't do these things. I can't be a big six-foot-four muscular bagboy, or the star football player. I can't be 8 men simultaneously plugging her. I can't be what she desires in the back of her mind. I'm just the personality that she loves. I am not the body, the sex, the fantasy, the paddle, the whips, the chains, the lube, or the ecstacy. I'm just a nice guy. I love her with every fiber of my being, and I want to be able to do these things, like swinging, or watching other people do things to her that I can't, but that seems so illogical in my head, and It scares the living shit out of me. Take this for what you will... you don't have to even try to help, but if you took the time to read all of this, at least think about what you would do. Help would be nice, too. Btw, college is coming up for both of us (seperate universities.) How the hell am I going to handle a long distance, bisexual, group sexist, swinging relationship when I can't even get over her going out with friends for a few hours? Btw, Part II: I'm also seeing a psychiatrist.