scared shitless

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by bryanedp9, Apr 23, 2007.

  1. bryanedp9

    bryanedp9 Member

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    My guess is that because I'm so scared and worried, I'll end up just getting this over with and not presenting enough info to get help. I'm shaking, and really having trouble just focusing on this enough to type it up...

    Me and my girlfriend are fairly new to sex with eachother... I'm a tad bit seasoned in it, and she's not really experienced at all, thus far. She is a very sexual person, and I enjoy that... a lot. The problem is... she has her "fantasies" about group sex with many men or women focusing on her, and tells me it's not what she would actually do. She would do it in a heartbeat if she thought I wouldn't have a heart attack over it all... that's just how it is. It's not that she doesn't want to do it, it's just that she's okay with going without it. But, being all caring and whatnot, I of course want her to have the things she wants, and I want her to fulfill these fantasies.

    What's so damn scary to me, and what really sends me in a downward spiral is... I'm nowhere to be found in these fantasies... or at least I wasn't until she realized that it's a bit unfair and doesn't want me to flip out. But I doubt she actually wants me involved.

    She just wants me happy... but not necessairly happily having sex with her. She just said she'd be fine with me being there and all... like it wasn't a crucial thing if I was there or not.

    The big one is having a large group of women all focused on her... that's what she wants. She didn't originally want me in it, until she realized that it was just unfair. Not unfair to her... as fair and unfair don't really have definite positions when it comes to pleasure... since being unfair is what some people happen to dig so much about sex.

    What I'm saying is... she wants me involved not because it seems unfair to her... she couldn't care less... she only wants me involved because it seems unfair to me.

    So she's making a sacrifice in her fantasy... because she's scared to lose me.

    She's not leveling things for peace of mind, fairness, or logic... just because she knows how delicate my mind is.

    Kinda sweet... right?

    To me... not sweet at all. Just selfish, survivalist, and doing whatever it takes to keep what you want around.

    We were talking about all this last night, and she opened up to me a lot and told me things about her fantasies... pretty much because I tried to act as calm as possible, even though I was having an anxiety attack.

    Here's a for-instance-situation:

    She's bicurious pretty much, and I told her I wanted her to fulfill that fantasy, because I wanted to know if I should adapt to it or leave her... instead of wondering if she's as happy as she could be for the rest of my life. She agreed to try it some time. I asked if I could join in. The idea had never crossed her mind. She said "Not the first time." She never wanted me to be involved. She admitted that it was unfair, but she said she'd never let me do anything with another woman. I told her that she'd have to let that little rule go if she ever wanted to try anything. She did, but very reluctantly.

    Another for-instance-situation:

    She wants to have large group of women all focusing on her (she also liked the idea of men doing the same, but no mixing... but she didn't go into detail with the men because she was pretty much testing the waters with me throughout the conversation.) She didn't want to mix men and women, as mentioned, but she didn't want me involved at all, also. She asked if I'd like to have it recorded, and asked me if I'd masturbate while watching it. She likes being watched, and she likes being desired. I lied to her... saying that I would like to have a recording of it, but in my mind, I was thinking "hell no... I wanna be involved... I want to be a part of your desires... I WANT TO BE SOMETHING YOU DESIRE." I just want to be a part of her fantasies, but she's very reluctant to take that idea.

    She said "We're going to end up being swingers, aren't we?" I said yes, but I wasn't thinking "yes... oh yay.. great." It was more of a oh-god-i'm-going-to-kill-myself yes.


    I'll get to the point. I don't want to be a cuckold. I don't want to sit outside a room listening to her moan and scream to watch her and other women come out, her not talking to me out of guilt, and later leaving me... because I can't do these things.

    I can't be a big six-foot-four muscular bagboy, or the star football player. I can't be 8 men simultaneously plugging her. I can't be what she desires in the back of her mind. I'm just the personality that she loves. I am not the body, the sex, the fantasy, the paddle, the whips, the chains, the lube, or the ecstacy.

    I'm just a nice guy.

    I love her with every fiber of my being, and I want to be able to do these things, like swinging, or watching other people do things to her that I can't, but that seems so illogical in my head, and It scares the living shit out of me.

    Take this for what you will... you don't have to even try to help, but if you took the time to read all of this, at least think about what you would do.

    Help would be nice, too.

    Btw, college is coming up for both of us (seperate universities.) How the hell am I going to handle a long distance, bisexual, group sexist, swinging relationship when I can't even get over her going out with friends for a few hours?

    Btw, Part II: I'm also seeing a psychiatrist.
     
  2. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    The thing is a lot of fantasies are just that fantasies ( they dont involve a partner because they are not a fantasy as you are already with them ( if you see what i am meaning )

    but you made a mistake saying it was all ok for her to open up about her fantasies , and when she did you were shocked, you shouldnt ask if you know you are not going to enjoy what is said.
    She will more than likely of had these fantasies long before you were even on the sceen, feeling resentment towards her because all of her fantasies dont inclued you in every one. or in any is not meaning she is bad because of these..
    If you are not happy with these things becomming a reality then perhaps instead of telling her your cool with it, you should sit down and say your feelings to her about it, in a non judgemental way and with tact as well.

    She opened up because you had asked her to, so she trusted you enough to tell you these things..

    I dont know maybe i see things differently.
     
  3. bryanedp9

    bryanedp9 Member

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    well she realizes that i was just kind've asking her to lay this awful truth on me. she knows me far too well to think i'm just a changed guy all of a sudden, but i told her that they were things i needed to hear, for the sake of me getting over it, and keeping our strict honesty policy healthy
     
  4. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    Wasnt meaning to sound harsh or nothing...

    Im just going on how i see and do things.
    I will only ask a female her fantasies as long as i know i am up to heearing and not judging her from them...
     
  5. bryanedp9

    bryanedp9 Member

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    no offense taken, man
     
  6. emerlyj

    emerlyj New Member

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    Did she actually say she was going to go out and do these things? If not i don't think you should not worry too much. I have many fantasies but they are just that, i won't actally end up doing many, if any, of them.
    I think that you need to have a serious chat with her and explain that you wouldn't be into swinging etc. At the moment you seem to have told her that you would be ok with that and i think you need to make it clear you are not before things get out of hand. You are leading her to believe that her fantasies could become a reality which is just going to end badly for you both.
     
  7. Nettle

    Nettle Member

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    You haven't been totally honest with her, and maybe she hasn't been honest with you. These are her fantasies, and when you say you are ok with them, she then thinks she should try them out cos you want her to.

    I think you both need to be honest with each other. If you can't bear the thought of her with other people, then this isn't going to work.
     
  8. Aubrey1972

    Aubrey1972 New Member

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    Honesty between both of you is THE ONLY way to fix this. If she continues down this path (assuming she really wants this) dragging you, it will kill you inside. Take what you have right now in pain then multiply it times 1000 and thats what it will feel like if she ends up going through with it. You sond pretty young so you have plenty of time to find some else who can be happy with just one man! TALK to her! Good Luck!
     
  9. prenuptualman

    prenuptualman New Member

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    Concerning your future together...

    I think there are two sides to this coin. One, you break up before you go to college, knowing you had good times, and maybe catching up in the future.

    Or, you try to stay together when you part ways, leading you to spiral downward even further in worry.

    When you think about the ultimate point your young relationship is going to lead to, it's either A) Marriage, or B) Separating. Which one seems more realistic to you? You gotta make what time you have together teach you something, IMO.

    I didn't want this to come across cold, but I just thought it was a logical perspective.
     
  10. spooky_chicken

    spooky_chicken New Member

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    This is a great first post. You took the words right out of my mouth. Congrats and welcome to the forums.
     
  11. SamanthaJo

    SamanthaJo New Member

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    In my defense, and yes, I am the girlfriend with all the fantasies, like some of the above have said, they are just fantasies. I know what I said, and how I meant it. The video idea was, of course, a joke. I know Bryan doesn't believe any of this because he's so paranoid about it all. I was joking about the swinger thing too. No offense to anyone reading this, but that's just not the lifestyle that I want. Yes, i am a very sexual person, and yes, I have many fantasies that don't involve him, but I haven't come up with any other fantasies since I've been with him. I didn't have anyone when I thought up that particular fantasy, hence the reason I have no idea who anyone I could ever do anything remotely similar to that with. I didn't touch on the male version much because I haven't thought about the male version much. I added him into it not because it was going to be unfair otherwise, but because if it was going to be a reality then he needed to be there, he is my reality. I didn't want him there the first time i did anything with a girl because I thought it would be too awkward. I don't even know if I really want to be with a girl, I'm just curious about it. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone else, and I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. However, this does not mean I'm going to give up anything for him. This simply means that what I'm doing is what I want whether he was here or not. He thinks that I'm changing what I want just to keep him. I just wish he could understand that what I'm doing, or not doing, is what I want. I just thought I would get that out there, and maybe now after reading this he'll finally understand what I've been trying to say.
     
  12. Indulgence

    Indulgence New Member

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    You know Bryan, really with a bicurious, swinging, group sexist you really don't have much of a chance beacuse I'm exactly like you in jealousy but I am not that kind. If my girlfriend wants group sex, she has to leave me for it. Even then, i'll kill any motherfucker who touches her even if we aren't together it's as simple as that with me.

    I suggest telling her how you feel about this and that you don't want her to do this, if she can't handle that you will be unhappy the rest of you're life (which wont last long) as she will be getting gang banged by 6'5 195 300+ bench pressers.


    You need a nice, sweet, innocent girl really you do.
     
  13. loveit247

    Gold Member

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    Wow, you are so stable and fun loving! (note the heavy sarcasm)

    An to the OP, dude, it is a fantasy, get over it. Really, there is nothing worse than a jealous man stifling you. She will do what she wants no matter what. A person can only squash their true desires for so long hun.
     
  14. RubyRed

    RubyRed New Member

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    I think this is a classic case of someone's insecurities creating problems that really don't exist. As others have mentioned, fantasies are just that: Fantasy. I have a fantasy of fucking other men while my husband watches, but I don't intend to act on it. It's something I've shared with him so he can describe the act to me while he's fucking me. This makes me come like mad and if anything it has solidified our relationship.

    Honest communication is key to a healthy relationship. Your girlfriend has been open and honest with you, and it scared you. Don't project your fears onto her. Own your issues! And be honest with her - if you're scared, tell her. She sounds like a pretty reasonable person. She also seems determined to convince you that she is 100% committed to you. That should be reassuring.

    If you're still freaked out, then you're the one with the problem, not her. If she dumps you, it will be because you're insecure, jealous, and immature. NOT because you didn't live up to her fantasies.
     
  15. bryanedp9

    bryanedp9 Member

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    Thanks, everyone. I appreciate all the.. advice. I know fully that this is my problem.. I'm just looking for tips on how to get over it, really. She's fully dedicated to me, and I love that.

    The world just looks really strange to me.
     
  16. Dreama

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    I think that you're worrying too much, bryan. Let her have her fantasies. I'm sure you have a lot of fantasies that don't involve her. She has not expressed interest in cheating on you, and she wants to be with YOU. So, let her alone, and love her, fantasies and all.
     
  17. LA_20

    LA_20 New Member

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    I have many fantasys involving gorgeous male models doing incredibly naughty deeds.. and yes my boyfriend is not included in those fantasys. If I had the opportunity, I would not act out these fanatasys because I am completely devoted to my man and he means the world to me.



    I'd like to bring up something you said earlier
    "I'm just the personality that she loves." You've already said it yourself, she loves you for your personality, she loves you for who you truly are.

    If it really bothers you, let her know, but before you do, think about your own fantasys. I'm sure you have many centered around her, but I'd hazard to guess that you also have a few centered around models, actresses, ex-gfs, etc. Unless you give up every fanatasy that doesn't involve her, I dont think it is fair for you to be upset that she has fantasys that dont involve you.
     
  18. msduncan

    msduncan Active Member

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    This isn't meant to sound mean, BUT:

    This relationship won't last a year. Not because of anything you said about your nervousness and her fantasies, but because of two unavoidable facts:

    1. You are both pre-college and about to enroll thus forever fundamentally altering your personalities
    2. You are going to separate Universities, so you will change apart from each other into different people.

    No matter how serious you think this 'love' is, you will look back in 10 years are think it was silly. In fact... you may well look back and wish you'd selfishly gone ahead in pressing the role of participant in a threesome with her. Hey - if she can be selfish, so can you! You need to take advantage of this unique scenario where you won't even HAVE to regret anything a few years down the road!

    Just my humble opinion.
     
  19. Indulgence

    Indulgence New Member

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    I'm glad you sought after attacking my post rather than anyone elses, seeing as everyone here is saying that it may not work.
    As for a woman having fantasies, I'm sorry that I have a stable girlfriend who I have been with for a really really long time (years). As for a fantasy, my girlfriend only fantasizes about me beacuse I am quite dominating and I'll trample any guy that talks to her beacuse I can. And she doens't have a problem with it, shes open with me about everything I might add.

    So, thanks for the comment loveit.
     
  20. bryanedp9

    bryanedp9 Member

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    Alright people... I've got over all this quite well, and I think I'll be okay.

    but...

    she's still a bit selfish, so for like the first time ever, she will be the one with a little work to do, but I think she'll do just fine.

    As for all you people who doubt it working out, I understand why you would say that... I mean... it's just how things go. However, you don't know us, now do ya? I have faith in it all working out.

    I appreciate all the advice, and it means a lot to me.