Same old gripe

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Barbwire, Jun 25, 2008.

  1. Barbwire

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    Ok, for those of you that have heard my story before, I apologize for boring you, but here goes...

    In the past coupla years things have heated up with my husband and I, mostly because I've turned into a sexual dynamo since I turned 40. My basic philosophy is, "If it feels good, do it." Well, once I started feeling that way and wanting to "do it" a LOT more, I realized my hubby and I weren't sexually compatible.

    To cope with his lack of libido and my outrageous horniness, I took on a few cyber lovers, with my husband's go ahead. He bought me some high end toys to help me get the job done and I admit, I am a lot more satisfied that I could ever imagine, at least as far as masturbation goes.

    Another issue has been his lack of imagination and his reluctance to dominant me in any way. To deal with that, I've upped the game by inventing some really hot scenarios that we could play out, mostly through the use of dildos and lots of dirty talk.

    Sounds good so far, huh?

    Now, we come to a major issue that isn't resolving itself and it's driving me crazy. He has issues with ED and takes Cialis. He still goes limp halfway through sex (foreplay) and gets pissy about it saying it takes me so long to come that is why he loses his stiffy.

    I've been trying to deal with the feeling of being rushed to come and honestly, it's been a tough row to hoe. I've resorted to using toys quite a bit before he even walks in the bedroom, to get myself on the verge. Sometimes he uses toys on me and I thought he liked it at first, but then I felt like he was just doing it to get me off ASAP so he could mount up and have done with it.

    Recently, he said he'd rather eat me than use toys all the time. OK, so that sounds good, right? Well, no, because he makes comments on how long it takes me to come during that, too. He wants me to squirt, but complains that it's too tiring for him, as well.

    So, round and round we go, with me feeling pressured, FINALLY breaking through the mental barrier and orgasming, him jumping on, coming very fast, then leaving the room to clean up or watch sports. I end up getting a toy and giving myself another orgasm just so I can feel "done" and get some sleep.

    Last night, after messing around all day and getting "primed" for some sex with my hubby, he comes in, skips the hugs, kisses, and caresses (as usual) and goes downtown to get my off. I stat to get into it, moaning and moving my hips, reach for his cock and it's limp.

    I stroke it until its hard, loosing the momentum of my orgasm in the process. I ask him to shift to a different position because he was just doing a robotic thing with his tongue which is more annoying than arousing. He moves and continues to eat me half heartedly, as his dick goes limp again. I swing my pussy around so I can get him hard with my hand again as he eats me. My clit has given up on the whole orgasm idea and goes to sleep.

    Finally, I put myself in fantasyland and start thinking of one of my lovers and have an orgasm.

    I'm going nuts on the bed and before I even get back to breathing normal, hubby is on me, shot his wad and climbed off. THEN he says, "Wow, that was quite the workout, with all the stopping you made me do." I looked at the clock and the whole thing from start to finish has taken about 20 minutes.

    I am super pissed off and say, "Look, you bitch that I take too long, so I get toys to use. You bitch that you dont' want to use toys all the time, so I let you eat me. Now, you bitch that I take too long to come AGAIN. What the fuck am I supposed to do? How about I just get myself off before you come to bed so you don't have to bother wasting any time on me and my motherfucking orgasm?"

    He just says something about his comment being a joke. I let him know that it was NOT funny to me and made me feel like shit. He rolls over and we sleep back to back.


    Oh, and before you mention him taking a different kind of pill, he won't , case closed.


    Yeah, its' the same old gripe with me, isn't it? I can't win.

    I don't really expect any advice here, I just needed to write that all down to let off some steam and try to make sense of it all.


     
    #1 Barbwire, Jun 25, 2008
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2008
  2. Dreama

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    I heart you, CL. I hope your hubby learns patience very soon. I really hope that things get better. If you don't mind my asking, how come he refuses to consider another pill? What about therapy?
     
  3. ninja08hippie

    ninja08hippie Official SF Hugger
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    Maybe couple's therapy would help? Find one that specializes in sexuality. A professional opinion would be better than anything you'll get here from us. If you guys are interested in "new-age" kind of stuff then might I suggest tantra, it should help his ED and boost his sex drive.
     
  4. HardRocker

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    With all the medical hits my body has taken, I've had my share of limp moments. During those times with the pill, I've had to fuck first, while I can, and then continue applying creative pleasure to her until she orgasms, however long that takes. Needless to say she's super lubed for further activity and she enjoys it, as do I.

    Nothing I know of is more frustrating to me as a man than to not be able to perform.
     
  5. Barbwire

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    Dreama, we are talking about a man that refused to even consider going on ANY pill for years until I was in tears over it. He did talk to his doc about his ED and PE issues once he was on the pill and was told to take another med that was an anti-depressant. He refused. I once told him that I was unhappy with how things were and he said we could just sell the house and split everything 50/50. My knees almost buckled. I said, I meant that I wanted to seek professional help. He looked into it, and his insurance did not cover it. End of story.

    Again, he will not entertain the idea of therapy if he has to pay for it. I did try to print out information that I found online, such as CAT sex and have him read it. I gave him the papers, he read it and that was it. If I push, he shuts down on me and gets defensive.

    In an effort to not make him not have to wait for me to come first, I have asked him to penetrate me as soon as he was hard. He did, and got off, but afterwards, didn't show any interest in taking care of me. It's like once he's cum, he's done, period. He has helped me get off once or twice, but honestly, with no visible emotion, to the point of making me feel bad about even asking for it.

    I know how frustrated he is about it, I feel his pain, I really do. I don't mean to make him sound like a complete ogre, because he has his moments. He tries really hard sometimes and does all the right things, but that only lasts for one or two sessions, then it's back to the same empty sex.

    I just feel that I'm at a different level than he is and because of that, it's placed a lot of strain on our marital sex. Sometimes I think I'm the one with the problem and I'm the one that needs to seek help.

     
  6. Joe

    Joe
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    It sounds like your hubby just has a low sex drive, CL. I don't know how I'd feel if a woman wanted more sex than I did. I've been with a few who were up for it as often as I was, but never in a relationship in which we actually lived together. I kind of think it might put me off a little... make me feel like less of a man, maybe. Or maybe not. I need someone to help me test this theory!

    My wife has "attacked" me a few times when she's had too much to drink, and I've never cared for it much, but more because she's too drunk than too aggressive.

    As for hubby not helping you "finish" after he has, I can relate to how he feels. After I blow the load I'm just not interested in sex for at least a few minutes -- not any kind of sex. I wish I wasn't that way, yanno? But it does help me understand those with low sex drives a little better.
     
  7. Joe

    Joe
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    I can relate to a few other things you've said too.

    I don't mind using toys on my wife, but it's much more fun (and tasty) just going down on her. And I sometimes lose the woody while I'm going down on her, especially when it takes a long time -- over a half hour. I'll usually stay hard until she's either close to cuming, and then I'll be concentrating so much on getting her over the edge that I'll lose it.

    Remember, we have little control over how much blood flows where. The more we worry about it, the more apt we are to go soft.
     
  8. FlirtyChick

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    CL,

    First of all, I really, really hate that you are going through this again. You are so sexual, and so delightful, and you really do not deserve this. Unless he gets help, I am afraid that you will be going through this on and off. Men do lose some of the performance abilities with age, and desire, on both sides, waxes and wanes. I know how important that intimacy with him is to you, and I don't have the answers, but I just wish he would go to counseling with you. As you know, BD and I were on the brink of seperate residences not long ago, for different reasons, but learning how to respect and communicate with each other made all the difference in the world. Just know you are loved, and hubby loves you too, he just needs to realize that a little help is not a bad thing.
     
  9. Bluesy

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    If ever a couple was in need of marriage counseling...

    However you have to get him there...lure him into the bedroom, knock him unconscious with your magic wand, tie him up with the cord, toss him into the car, and get his ass to a counseling session.

    A piece of advice I've seen imparted by professional sex/relationship therapists is that the willing spouse should begin attending marriage counseling sessions alone, and the reluctant spouse usually joins them before long. If he never relented, at the very least you'd have learned more about yourself and your relationship, and that knowledge could be life-changing (you just never know...).
     
    #9 Bluesy, Jun 26, 2008
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2008
  10. cbrmale

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    I've had my own version of a sexual mismatch, but nothing compared to this. What can I say, do a man thing to try and fix it?

    First up, Cialis is reasonably effective, I use it myself. So in this instance, I'd say it was psychological ED as much as physical, which is something I went through. I was always worried that my nerve damage would progress (it hasn't), and this suddenly caused problems with me staying hard enough for long enough. Mind over body. I saw a psychologist and he helped me, but I still had a lack of confidence so I still tended to rush sex in case I lost it. It took self-hypnosis in the end. In the meantime I reverted to injection therapy for a while, which is guaranteed to get a man hard and stay hard regardless of what is going on!

    Cowboy lover, you've suggested all of the things I did to no avail. It's not your problem. I went through the same thing and I immediately sought help to get things back to normal. I did it because I enjoy sex, sex gives me a lot of pleasure, and of course I love my wife and I love having sex (making love) with my wife.

    I could never have a relationship with someone I loved without desiring to have good sex with that person. I know almost all of us, men and women, have similar feelings. If you love someone, you want to have sex with them.
     
  11. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    Jesus Christ, CL. I'm just blown away that he said he'd rather end the marriage than seek professional help about these issues. The fact that he refuses to attend therapy if it's not covered by insurance is just an excuse, and he knows it. It's not impossibly expensive, and if he cared about you and your marriage at all, then he would do anything, spend any amount of money to make things better.

    As it is now, he will do anything, say anything, use any excuse, to avoid attending couples therapy. His selfishness astounds me. I agree with Bluesy that you should attend couples therapy on your own as a last ditch effort. Maybe he will surprise you and join you later.

    ((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))
     
  12. Barbwire

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    I want to thank you so much for taking the time to try to offer your insight, support and assistance to me. I've been feeling very much alone, especially lately, and you've made me feel like I do have people that care for me. See, I don't have anyone I can talk to face to face about this stuff, because my friends get very nervous and edgy when I bring up sex at all.

    It's been a fantastic experience to join this community and to feel like I can say anything I want with no fear of being judged, shunned, or chided. Having said all that, I want to address some of the things that have popped into my head as I've read the responses here.

    Firstly, Joe, I think your replies were some of the most helpful of all. It is good to learn a man's perspective on these things and put myself in my husband's shoes. Crbmale, your post helped me in that respect, as well. I fight with myself and try to step outside of my own sense of despair and yes, selfishness, and just try to digest what my husband must be going through.

    I feel guilty for losing my temper with him and saying harsh words. I regret some of my actions and lack of understanding and I vow to do better.

    Secondly, Flirty, I am touched by your kind words. Thank you for being so sweet. What you and BD have gone through lately, and how things have changed for the better for your two, gives me some hope for my own situation. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Lastly, Bluesy and Puss, I like your direct, hold-no-punches responses. You ladies are tellin' it like it is and I'm so glad you did.

    I still have a lot of thinking to do, and I need to formulate a plan. I never thought about going to therapy on my own, but, it is a very good idea, indeed. I just don't know how I'm going to go about broaching the subject with my husband and asking him for the money to do it.
     
  13. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Man, CL...I read your post when you first posted it, and I'm really trying to think through what advice I can give that you haven't already tried. So far, I haven't come up with anything (I know, shocking for me to be at a loss of words, right?). Maybe get the penis shot, get him drunk, and stick it to him? I dunno.

    I really think the idea of you going to counseling by yourself is a good one. I can't see how it can hurt. Tell him you're going and he's going to pay for it. Don't ask, just tell him. Maybe he'll go "OK, if I'm paying for it, then maybe I should come along." I can't see how it can hurt whether it's just you or both of you.

    Here's one thought: if his sex drive is low, maybe he needs something to "lubricate his mind"? Maybe some toys for him? Good porn he'll like? Get on audio chat with another couple while you're doing it? Tell him you want to watch him do another chick and spin a story about it while y'all are in the act? I dunno...you know what your kinks are, maybe help him (lead him?) into finding what his kinks are? Maybe that would help boost his sex drive?

    Let me think about it all some more, and see if there's anything else I can come up with. I know this is a really frustrating thing for you....I've followed your threads about it since I first showed up here. Especially since you've opened up so much yourself, this could be such a great time for you...and I feel quite bad for you that it's not.

    Hang in there.
    BD
     
  14. Barbwire

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    BD, thanks for the pointers, but I"ve already done all the things you've suggested to spark his interest...except suggesting listening to other people have sex. I know him well enough to tell there's NO WAY IN HELL he'd go for that, no way, no how.
     
  15. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Well, if you haven't explicitly said "let's do this", maybe give it a try even though you don't think he'd go for it. He might surprise you...who knows. I work by the thought that "you don't know if you don't ask"...and sometimes you'd be surprised what people will say "yes" to if you have the balls to ask.

    I know you don't care for other women in the mix...but maybe hire a hot-looking escort to come stroke him with her hands for a bit? Or hire a stripper to come give him a lap-dance in your home? Or...I dunno...get some hot panties, cream 'em up for him, then tell him it's panties from his favorite actress and put 'em on his head with the crotch right at his nose or mouth? Blindfold him and pretend you are someone you know he thinks is hot? I dunno...I guess I'm brainstorming here. There has to be something that neither one of you have ever tried that would get him wound up?

    BD
     
  16. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Hey CL...another thought. I know you've said many times that girl-on-girl action or FFM fantasies doesn't do anything for you. But does it do anything for him? I think it does for most men (right guys? It sure does for me. Actually FF, FFM, MMF, MFMF all turn me on....just not MM.) If it gets him turned on, would that also turn you on? (Probably so, right?)

    If you've said that any FF stuff doesn't do anything for you enough times, maybe he's a little afraid to mention anything like that? Maybe you could write a fantasy about you, him, and another woman? Or take him to a strip bar and get a couple's lap-dance. Or hire an escort to come handjob him and do you with a toy at the same time (assuming escorts are legal in your part of the world, of course ;)).

    I think from things that you've said, you have inhibitions against any FF* activity...maybe if you consider dropping some of those inhibitions it would give you more "tools" to get him going? You've dropped other inhibitions over the past couple years and that's been good right? Maybe you should give it a try...you don't know until you try it, even if it's just an erotic story or something totally harmless.

    You might totally disagree with me, but I wanted to toss out the thought.

    BD
     
  17. Barbwire

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    Umm, the last time hubby was involved in a FMF thing, his wife left him for a woman. So, no, that shit ain't cool with him at all.
     
  18. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    Good riddance!

    If she hadn't have left him, perhaps he wouldn't have found you! Sometimes before you find out what it is, you had to go through a good does of what it isn't!
     
  19. cbrmale

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    Cowboy Lover,
    You have tried pretty much everything I actually did, without success. Reading back over the thread, I believe that psychological help may be of benefit. A good psychologist should give you some perspectives to handling the situation with your husband. If he or she can help you deal with your relationship issues better, then there may be a light at the end of your tunnel.
     
  20. FlirtyChick

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    CL, You always have friends in us. We are a community, and happy or sad, we are here for each other. I know how hard it was for me when BD and I were working out the details of not being together anymore, and I know how hard we have worked to stick it out. I think all marriages go through seasons, and if it was easy no one would ever break up. He sounds selfish and stuck, and you are frustrated and miserable. If any married couple can say there have never been there, I would bet they are newlyweds! You are a sexual, sensual woman with much to offer, as I have told you before. If hubby is not the one, then he is not the one. But I hope that he will come around and realize what a good thing he has. Keep your chin up, and go to counseling. At least you will learn what you need to do to cope with the situation, and to find value in YOURSELF!!!!! If he will not pay for it get a part-time job! Or find a woman's support group, anything to help yourself. You deserve more than you are getting. You have balls. You can take charge of your life and find happiness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was to the point here that the hurt was so drastic and the situation so hopeless that I finally said FINE, I will be better off without all this chaos, hurt and drama. Thank God it didn't come to that! You have us babe, 4-EVER!