Rocky times-need some help

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by vampire raver, Nov 4, 2007.

  1. vampire raver

    vampire raver New Member

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    I am really scared that I may lose the one person in my life that I care about soon.

    The problems I suppose began a while ago but I will just tell you about last monday. We have been dating for about a year and a half and we were sitting in bed monday and the topic of marriage came up and I said the wrong thing, but what I meant to say was I want us to develop a marriage with time not jump in a purchase one to grow into. But she inturperated my misspoken words to mean that I did not want to marry her or something along those lines. This started a chain recation and she started crying and then I started crying because I thought I was going to lose her and we ended up finishing the night with her going home semi-ok but still very sad and me going to my room and trying to punish myself by staying up all night, because I generally punish myself we I do something wrong. The next day I met her after school to give her some flowers and a card with what I meant to say when I misspoke. For the next couple of days things were going fine and we were really happy. Then on like Thursday night we had another confliction with her saying something feels weird. So I try to get her to talk about it which is very difficult she will never tell me how in the hell she feels, which is very frustrating. Anyway I talk to her for a while on that note and we leave in a pretty good feeling. Then I see her for a hour or so on Friday then I have to go to work from 4-11:30 and back Saturday from 8 am till about 11 pm so I dont get to see her usally. But she had sent me a text Friday that said she was going to send me a message about what has been bothering her. So I get the message and it has three things that are bothering her.
    1. She knows I like BDSM stuff and she doesn't and she thought she could deal with it be ok but she can't.
    -I tell her that, that is fine relationships are about compromise and I am happy to not pursue that if it will make her happy.
    2. She also said that she knows that the type of girls I like are the kind that wear fishnets all the time and she said she will never be that kind of girl.
    -I said I don't want that kind of girl. I want you and I want you to be you and be happy.
    --This is the question that I think broke the camels back.
    3. She wants to know if I respect her because she said I know she doesn't like me looking at porn and she said I know she doesn't like me masturbating. And yet I still do it.
    -I told her that this is a big change for me I have looked a porn since I was very young and not only have I become addicted to it, it also has become a habit.
    -I told her same goes for masturbating but that is even more so of a habit, I told her that I have reduced my tendencies to masturbate and look a porn a great deal but I still need time to completely stop.
    This I guess made her very angry at me and she said she doesn't want me looking at it because it makes her feel like our sex life isn't good enough for me. Our sex is good I just want to experiement with other things.
    So she said that she needed some time to think so I guess I am going to leave her alone for a little bit.

    Ok I guess I will tell you how exactly I feel now that I have told you the whole story. I love her and want to be with her I just think we have a lot of growing to do before we get married. I want a strong foundation and without a strong foundation in anyting it will crumble and break. That is how I feel about that part of our life.
    When it comes to sex there a lot of things that I want to try that I know she will never be willing to do and I am just not sure about that.
    I also feel that she is pressuring me into changing for her and I am not sure how much change she is expecting but I can't completely change who I am.
    I also feel like she won't tell me things I try to get her to be as honest as possible and talk about things to me and get them off our chests but she always seems to bottle up and shut me out.

    Background info-
    She is 18 and I am 20
    We are both stubborn
    we are both very different as far as music and a lot of movies and most TV
    We have never cheated on one another

    Closing-
    I want to live my life but I also want to be with her I just feel that sometimes we are to different for this relationship to work and it makes me cry but you can't choose who you love.

    Thank you everyone for the input-VR
     
  2. dwj21

    dwj21 New Member

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    bottom line is, you are 20 and she is 18, neither of you need to be getting married any time soon. also, if she thinks she can tell you to stop masturbating, she clearly needs a few more years to grow up and you two probably should consider time apart. and if you are not sexually compatible with her now, do you think that will ever change? and if it doesn't and you do get married it will be a point of contention between you two for as long as the marriage lasts. it will, in a sense, be the thing that slowly deteriorates the marriage until there are two bitter people who cant stand each other. you do not want that and neither does she.

    i think you both are young and more times than not, relationships at your age do not last past college. enjoy what you had and maybe what you will have left, but from your post, to me, it doesn't seem like you two are very compatible in terms of marriage.
     
  3. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    Get the hell...

    ...over it. There are six billion people on this planet. Do you, honestly, think you've found the ONE??? Do you think you are anywhere near being who you want to be??? Is she some sort of finished product?

    Feel the pain. Take it. Learn from it. Move the fuck on. Go do something you enjoy, run, paint, shoot, get a guitar and write heart break songs, save coupons, whatever the heck it is. GO LIVE YOUR LIFE.

    If she is meant to be part of it, which I doubt and so do you, it will be, somehow some way. Otherwise, this is part of growing up and you will be OK.
     
  4. cook74

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    "-I tell her that, that is fine relationships are about compromise and I am happy to not pursue that if it will make her happy." VR

    Is she willing to make changes to herself to better suit you? Or, are all these compromises meant to be all yours?

    I hope everything works out for the best for both of you, good luck vampire raver. ;)
     
  5. msduncan

    msduncan Active Member

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    18 year old girls think compromise means you giving up all the negotiating points. In other words -- comprimise to an 18 year old girl is you bending yourself to fit whatever she demands.

    If I were you, I'd stop freaking out and tell her that you want to be with her but that you are not going to kiss her ass about it. If she wants to be with you, then be with you. If she isn't happy, there's the highway and move on along....

    I hate it when people try to force the others to bend but are unwilling to make any changes at all themselves.
     
  6. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    From the sounds of it she has began withdrawing from you in preparation to end the relationship and what you are probably experiencing is the beginning of the end of your relationship wiht her. In my honest opinion I do not believe your statement on marriage was the trigger. Based on your posting it sounds that the two of you have different expectations for each other and there may not be a common ground to reach, unless you are willing to change. If you change it will probably be due to the fact you are afraid of loosing her and you will hate yourself for being someone that you are not. My only advice is take a look at what you are willing to change, talk to her about it and see what impact it may have on the relaitonship.
     
  7. cbrmale

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    I got the feeling you're not suited to each other, and the end is only a matter of time. If so, fear not, because the experience should do you good. It is the relationships that don't work that help some of us to find the one truly unbelievable relationship that does.

    On the other hand, BDSM is an acquired taste, and not suited to most 18 year olds (and many adults). Not a particularly strong fantasy of mine, but my wife 'grew' into it with maturity, and we've done it a couple of times with success.

    I am not sure about the fishnets, seems related to BDSM. Again, 18 year olds are not often into this sort of stuff.

    Many (a lot? most?) women have problems with porn and masturbation. It can seem like mental cheating, especially in relationships where sex is available at almost any time. For me, whilst I enjoy watching porn when I'm in the mood, I can't remember the last time I masturbated, probably a business trip decades ago.

    Women get mixed messages about sex, and as a result can be a bit uptight and constrained in regards to experimentation. This is not unique to your girl, it is the remnants of double-standards that go back to the - well a long time. Women often get a lot more sexually adventurous as they get older (in my case my wife comes up with all the good ideas these days). So while I am not trying to talk you into your current girlfriend, I want you to be understanding about where she and other girls aged 18 to 25 are coming from.

    When women reach their late twenties to thirties is where they often blossom sexually. So see how things go in the short-term, but be realistic about this relationship and any that might follow in the next few years.
     
  8. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    She sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do, and that she's too young to understand the meaning and reasons behind certain things that men do, such as looking at porn and masturbation. She sees your looking at porn as a threat, and your masturbating to porn as a substitute for having sex with her. Neither is the case of course. Men look at porn as a masturbatory aid, and they masturbate because they have to. It's just like any other biological need, such as eating food.

    You could try sitting her down and explaining this to her in a rational manner, but it sounds to me like she has formed several irrational reasons why they two of you are wrong for one another. Once a female gets into that irrational state of mind, there's little you can to do make her see the light.

    All I can say is I'm sorry, and I wish you the best of luck in finding a girl who's more like you.

    (((hugs)))
     
  9. Barbwire

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    VP, I have read all of the replies here and, for once, I have nothing to add.

    You have have come to the right place for advice, my friend, take it.
     
  10. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    I pulled these words out of your post because..... It looks like you have a very good persective on the situation. I think you had the answer in your original post.

    Though it's been ages since I was your age, I still remember the pain associated with the realization that someone that I thought would always be a part of my life is on the edge of moving on. It's like we try everything within our power to keep it from happening - but it's inevidible. Once this sort of dialogue begins, there's no turning back. As someone mentioned above, it's the "beginning of the end".

    Hold tight to your understanding of the difference between "compromise" and "control". I admire the fact that you don't want to change who you are in order to maintain a relationship. You'd hate yourself in time.

    Good luck, friend. Ever heard the saying:
    'Tis better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all"

    It's true. :rose
     
  11. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    I know she seems like the only one for you, but trust me, she isn't. Am I saying she's a bad person? No way. You are just both young, she needs to grow up some, and it sounds like you're both very different. I know it stings like hell to lose your first love, but this might be where this is going.


    In other words, i'm just reiterating what everyone else has said ;)
     
    #11 Halogen, Nov 5, 2007
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2007
  12. Bluesy

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    Of course sacrifice is a natural and inevitable part of a healthy, mature relationship, but there's a fine line between giving up something you'll miss, but can live without, for the one you love and changing who you are in order to better fit their idea of the perfect mate. The former is almost a requirement for relationships, the latter is an unhealthy choice you'll grow to regret and resent, eventually.

    I don't understand why people are coming down so hard on your gf...it sounds to me like she knows what she needs in a mate, she knows what you need in a mate, and she acknowledges that the differences are irreconcilable. The masturbation criterion is nutty...but this stems from a place of insecurity in her and plain ol' sexual ignorance. Perhaps her libido isn't as high and she just can't relate to that need to get off when your partner isn't around to help alleviate the tension :shrug. Have you explained to her that when she isn't there, it's torturous for you to have to prolong your suffering, and it doesn't detract from your time together? Is she aware that most women, partnered women, need to masturbate regularly? Why does she think it's unreasonable for you to masturbate, anyway? I'm just wondering how in depth your discussion of these issues has been.

    The porn issue...well, a lot of women have that problem, so she's far from alone. If she wants to be with a guy who doesn't use porn, that's her prerogative. And that doesn't mean it's fair to ask you to give it up--it most definitely isn't. She should've asked you about your porn-viewing habits early on in your dating relationship, so it's her problem for not getting that info and making a decision about whether or not it was a deal-breaker before you guys got serious. I have to wonder how you've explained it to her, though. I think the ideal way to explain it is to tell your partner that it's seeing two (or more) people having sex that's so arousing, and it's just a way of making masturbation more gratifying. Ask her if seeing a couple engaged in intercourse (or other sexual activities) arouses her at all...ask her if she's ever seen an image, or read an erotic scene in a book, that got her juices flowing. Try to get her to relate to your experience, to see things from your perspective. Leave out any and every detail having to do with looking at naked women solo, and dodge that bullet like your life depends on it. *gives you a very solemn and meaningful look*

    Is she aware that women look at porn, too? Couldn't you tell her that you've discussed this with female friends before and some of them just happen to be even bigger fans of porn than you? Make her question the logic in her argument through education...get her to understand that women can (and do!) enjoy porn just as much as men do. Have her question her friends about it, ask her to look at erotic art with you, then ask her how it makes her feel. See if she'd be willing to explore that side of her sexuality and you may very well open her up to a whole new world of erotic pleasure she's been missing out on ;)

    Of course, these are just stop-gap measures, really. If there are huge areas of disconnect between the two of you, it might be better to acknowledge them and go your separate ways. I know it isn't easy to think about, but I hope you'll continue talking about this without fear of feeling pressured to make a decision one way or the other. *Hugs*, sweetie!
     
  13. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Hang in there Vamp. Keep your head squarely on your shoulders, and try to think with your head and not your heart (nor the little head!). Try not to make any decisions when you are in an elevated emotional state...those usually aren't good decisions. Stay calm and just go with the flow...see what happens, and just accept that whatever transpires is probably meant to be.

    BassDude
     
  14. loveit247

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    It is a good thing you are young and have plenty of time to find the person for you. In the mean time, chuck the uptight one and experiment, enjoy your youth. I know you think you love her, but trust me, a year from now, you will wonder when her birthday is!
     
  15. mxlonerider

    mxlonerider New Member

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    Hey Vamp,
    Sounds like a bad situation, but just remember, there are some things you can't control. Such as how another person feels about certain things.
    It sounds like your gf is a bit insecure, but then again from the other posts here thoughts such as hers aren't as rare as I may have suspected. You cannot be the only one to make all of the compromise, both parties have to give a bit in order for it to work.
    And just on the subject of her messages.. at this point, it seems like her mind is already made up. Text messages have become what breaking up on the phone used to be (or maybe worse)--it's now a way to incite arguments that lead to breakups, or conduct breakups, without emotional attachment and as safely as possible. So.. yeah.. what everybody else said.
    Sorry, good luck whichever way this turns out.