Retiring From Sex...

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by Fliteskates, Aug 16, 2011.

  1. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    Hey all - it's been awhile since I posted about my sex life, but I think I need to get some things out because I am frustrated enough that I am thinking about not having sex anymore with my wife...

    The thing is I know it is an immature thing to do, but I am not the type who will ever cheat and having sex just leaves me feeling angry, stupid and frustrated....

    Some quick background stuff... when my wife and I were first together she was akin to sexual dynamite... two years after we started dating, things seemed to change with her and I never got BJs anymore and she became more passive... she stopped taking control and I had to do all of the initiating... I mean ALL of it... if I didn't initiate sex, we would go weeks without having any. I thought up the new positions... bought the sex toys... basically I kept the spark alive and she was just sort of there...

    I talked to her on a number of occasions and asked her to please be more assertive... to show more enthusiasm, etc. I wasn't asking for the moon and stars...

    Things would be ok for a few weeks, but inevitably it would always go back to how it was.

    On our wedding night she climbed into the hot tub and I jumped in horny as hell... and SHE FELL ASLEEP! On our honeymoon, she bought these sexy outfits... and when I asked her to take control, she put her head in the pillow and said I was better at that "stuff"... I kept trying to encourage her to be assertive that week, but no dice.

    My wife got pregnant last year and it was actually great because we couldn't have sex and I didn't feel the anger and frustration anymore... the baby was born in January and by April she wanted to try sex again.

    So it has been 5 months of us being sexually active again and all of the same problems are recurring... she isn't assertive... she never initiates... I try to warm her up for a couple days by cuddling... stroking her hair, face... kissing her randomly... but it leads no where unless I initiate something.

    All I want is to see she has an interest in sex... just once a damn week initate something... or come up and kiss or touch me... instead of me always being the one who does this stuff... I compliment her all of the time and I rarely get compliments... maybe 2-3 a year if I am lucky... she gets that many from me in a day...

    A couple of weeks ago we were at my wife's sister's house... they have a huge house, backyard and hot tub... they were gone the one night and so I got my wife naked and tried taking her outside and she said the neighbors would see... there are plenty of trees, but I waited for it to get dark and we went outside... then she sat on the other side of the hottub away from me and I had to go over and put her on top of me and rubbed her clit... but she just kind of stared into space and I stopped... I took her hand and laid out a towel so we could have sex on the grass and she kept smacking the mosquitoes and complaining... so I just gave up and went inside...

    It is frustrating as hell and I told her the other day I know why mean cheat now... I said I never understood why, but now I do and I hate myself for even saying it... I woke up that morning and started to kiss and lick her ass; then I gave her an orgasm by licking her clit... then I knelt in front of her so she could give me a RARE BJ and she said she didn't want to... so I tried to get myself hard and put the condom on... but I was too soft and when I tried to get inside her, obviously it didn't work... so I threw off the condom and walked out of the bedroom...

    It is embarrassing and makes me feel like shit about myself and I am starting to resent her...

    I have talked until I am blue in the face about these issues with her... done as much as a guy can do... showed more patience than most guys... I am just fed up and feel like giving up.

    I have no idea what to do anymore. I keep myself in great shape, love doing oral, have a nice sized dick, clean around the house, do laundry, help with the baby... compliment her... touch her... tell her I love her... that she is sexy as hell... I mean.. what am I doing wrong?

    I just feel lost and angry and feel like just watching porn from now on... but that becomes boring after a week or so for me...
     
  2. Untamed

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    Sounds like there is something wrong with her... something causing her to have no sexual desire. Maybe instead of asking her to be more assertive ask her what's going on and if there is something bothering her.

    I feel for you and am sorry for your situation :( *hugs*
     
  3. cutegirl

    cutegirl New Member

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    Have a talk with her. You told that you gave her the orgasm by licking her clit...Ask her has she enjoyed that or just forced to orgasm as your are stimulating her clit. I mean to say, if she is also loosing her own desires for her orgasm then you need to consult a doctor immediately. If she is only thinking about herself (though from your story , it doesn't seems to be the case) and though you want the return favor, but she is not giving it back, then consult some sex psychologist. Really feeling bad to hear about your situation. Keep faith in god. It will be all right soon.
     
  4. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    I asked her many times what is wrong and I never get a full answer...

    Sometimes she tells me that she is not a guy and doesn't want sex all of the time... I don't think having sex 2-3 times a week is too over the top... and expecting her to initiate things once a week is asking too much either...

    Other times she tells me she doesn't know what's wrong...
     
  5. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    She seems to enjoy when I give her orgasms... but she isn't in to sex... she has no enthusiasm and lets me do all of the work... decide all of the positions, etc. When I do get a BJ, it is because I asked... if I do have sex... it is because I imitated it... if I do get a compliment, it is because I compliment her... and she will say, oh yea, you looked hot in that shirt... i forgot to tell you though... umm, ok...

    I pretty much hate having sex because I never know when she is actually enjoying herself and when she is just "doing it" to keep me "happy".

    It is a shitty feeling when your SO doesn't seem to want you anymore.... I am just trying to figure out what to do... I am out of ideas and weary.
     
  6. Untamed

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    It's not asking too much at all. You're right.

    It just sounds like she may be going through something. Counseling?
     
  7. hornyscot

    hornyscot New Member

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    i do feel for you, and i hope this can be resolved before your marriage disolves, have you thought about the fact she just might have severe post natal depression, this destroys a womans sexual desires.
     
  8. RideNaked

    RideNaked New Member

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    I know you're kind of focusing on sexual issues here, but she seems to exhibit several signs of clinical depression. If so, I would strongly suggest counseling, as Untamed suggests above. Loss of sex drive is a classic symptom of postpartum depression as well. She needs to seek professional help, IMHumbleO.

    T
     
  9. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    I have serious doubts it is PMD. I have read a lot about it when I was reading our baby books and she has zero symptoms and she is an all around happy person... our baby has made her even happier. The baby is wonderful and happy... always smiling and so good...about as good a baby as you can hope for. Our friends have babies with colic and other problems and we are very lucky. This problem was there before the pregnancy as I said, so... doubtful it is PMD.

    Our marriage is great and we have so much mutual respect for each other and are really best friends, which is why I keep fighting and trying to have patience... but I am only human... I need something back eventually.

    When discussing these problems a few years ago, she once told me that when we were first together she wanted me so badly and it was all new.. that I was so sexy and she couldn't get enough of me. The first time I was inside of her she cummed almost instantly... she used to literally pass out after sex because her orgasms were so explosive.... she once fell down trying to walk to the bathroom because her legs were like jelly... she was always initiating sex, giving me random BJs... kissing me out in public... always had her hands on me... etc.

    She couldn't seem to get enough of me back then, but she said that it is impossible to feel that way now because we had been together for 3-4 years (back when she told me all of this). It is about 6 years now...

    She said she is used to how I touch her... used to my dick... used to the things I do, etc. So I tried to change things up and be unpredictable, but it didn't seem to work because the problem was and still is there...

    I still want my wife as much as I did when we first dated... I understand you can't replicate what it is like when everything is so new... but I know her body better now than I did back then... and again it makes me feel like she doesn't want me anymore if she says this stuff and never initiates sex or has much enthusiasm for it... I mean am I wrong for feeling this way?
     
  10. RideNaked

    RideNaked New Member

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    You don't say much about how you play. Maybe you need to buy her a nice little sexy toy, something you can both play with, a vibe or dildo. If you have a fun store nearby (we've found several that cater more toward women, and are clean and inviting), take her shopping, "just for fun," no string attached, no expectations of her picking out something. Put a little kink into it? Something as simple as a warming gel, scented massage oils, even a can of Redi-Whip and a promise to lick off every drop, where ever she would think to apply it might just break the spell.

    I emphasize play and fun. Relationships ebb and flow, and there can be many causes of problems, but it usually ends up just not being fun any more. You might have to work at it at first, so that she doesn't have to work at it. Her knowing that you are not doing well may add additional stress to her issues, as well. Sometimes I have to step back and remind myself not to take it so seriously, that we're supposed to have fun, if I accidentally fart, it's not the end of the world. Just some thoughts...

    T
     
  11. luvbug

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    I dont know whats going on with your wife. Has she been to the dr?

    I feel the same way your wife does...I dont want to have sex with my SO AT ALL!!! I cant stand for him to touch me.....but I know what it is...I dont love him anymore.
    IM not saying your wife doesnt love you...not at all.

    I DO think she needs to see a dr.....maybe she is depressed.....if not depressed maybe the dr. can give her something to get her mojo going again.

    Good Luck...and congrats on the baby!
     
  12. lingham

    lingham New Member

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    Sorry to hear about your feelings towards your SO Luv Bug and your wife's aversion to sex, Flite. The world is a very sad place without love and sexual expression of that love. I feel for all of you ... sincerely.
     
  13. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    I bought her a G-spot toy that drove her wild, a clit vibrator that drove her wild, anal beads, and tons of other stuff I'm sure I forgot. I even got a dildo that was bigger than me and she didn't like it, so I got a smaller one and she didn't like that either, no biggie though as she liked all the other toys. But unless I break them out, she never uses them or asks to use them... she doesn't like to touch herself or masturbate, etc.

    I have told myself not to take things seriously and it works for awhile... but after a couple months of her not being into sex and me doing everything to keep the spark alive, it gets old. I just need something back bro... wake up one morning and give me a BJ... come throw me on my bench while Im working out and get on top of me... or just initiate sex once in awhile... just a few times a month would make a huge difference... it is frustrating.

    After sex she throws her clothes on also as fast as she can... why not lay there with me and kiss for awhile or touch me, etc?

    I really hate having sex right now.
     
  14. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    I just think it is exactly what she said... she is used to me... but I have done all I can... including staying in great shape. I know she loves me, but doesn't seem to want me.

    What pisses me off is that if Tom Brady (her fav. pro football player) or Craig Adams (her favorite pro hockey player) came into the bedroom naked I am 100% certain she would turn back into that incredible sexual animal she used to be.

    That eats at me because I am not tired of her or desire her any less now than I did 6 years ago. I find her more sexy now than ever... it just hurts and I'm tired of putting myself on the line and feeling like a fool.
     
    #14 Fliteskates, Aug 16, 2011
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2011
  15. Trond

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    I am very much in the same boat, or perhaps my situation is actually a bit worse. I have also tried all sorts of things, but to no avail. My wife will get a physical examination shortly, and that may provide some clues as to what is wrong. We have also been seeing a therapist. I'll let you know if any of this brings any results, but so far nothing.
     
  16. RideNaked

    RideNaked New Member

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    My Girlie Girl will probably hold me over the coals for this, because I'm not one to talk, but: Date night? Flowers? Romance? Getaway weekend? Camp naked under the stars?

    I'm still leaning heavily toward the depression diagnosis. I have personal experience, both myself and another partner. Personally, none of my friends could believe I had issues, they would have never guessed. I remained active and engaged in life, but sex drive and intimacy suffered greatly. It affects everyone differently, but low sex drive is a very common component...

    T
     
  17. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    I get her flowers... write her sexy notes.... tell her I love her... trust me when I tell you I am doing all I can.

    I won't pretend to know everything, but if my wife has PMD, I would be shocked as hell.

    Like I mentioned before, I think the root is exactly what she told me - that she is used to me and desire weans. Despite everything I do to keep things interesting, none of it seems to get her to be aggressive.

    When we have sex it can be quite good at times and be passionate with the kissing and such, but again I pretty much do everything... I do oral on her... and only get it if I ask and then it seems like a chore to her as she does it for only a few mins... I am the one who changes the positions... finds new ones to try, etc.

    Again, when we have sex it can be very good, but I am tired of feeling like the keeper of the flame... marriage is a partnership and all I want is to see a little initiative on her part...

    I never get compliments anymore from her about my looks, and I am far from being the type of guy who needs to hear those things... but when you combine everything, it does get to me.

    When I told her I now know why guys cheat, and had another long convo about things, she started to cry and apologized.... but that was two weeks ago and she is still doing the same stuff...

    I just feel like giving up and watching porn instead as I said earlier... but I know that won't solve anything. It is so frustrating...
     
  18. RideNaked2

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    Speaking from a person that does suffer from depression and has for years. This sounds like quite a few classic signs of depression.

    I personally have suffered from depression since I was in my teenage years..now in my 40's..it is common for people to go through up and downs in that depression. Thus her feeling "sexual" at times and now not so much.

    Your wife may not "show" to you any other signs of depression and may not know what is going on if she has not had previous experience with it. She may not be able to articulate to you what is going on with her when you ask her "what is wrong".

    I'm not speaking of postpartum depression, I am speaking of "clinical depression" as it seems that this has started before your new baby was born. The birth of the baby may have alleviated some of the symptoms for a short time until the "newness" wore off.

    The following is a list of symptoms taken from the mayoclinic.com website..(hope that it's okay that I copied and pasted this but it is educational).

    Feelings of sadness or unhappiness
    Irritability or frustration, even over small matters
    Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities
    Reduced sex drive
    Insomnia or excessive sleeping
    Changes in appetite — depression often causes decreased appetite and weight loss, but in some people it causes increased cravings for food and weight gain
    Agitation or restlessness — for example, pacing, hand-wringing or an inability to sit still
    Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
    Indecisiveness, distractibility and decreased concentration
    Fatigue, tiredness and loss of energy — even small tasks may seem to require a lot of effort
    Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself when things aren't going right
    Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
    Frequent thoughts of death, dying or suicide
    Crying spells for no apparent reason
    Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

    I really think that the least that you need to is strongly suggest to your wife (and both of you should really attend this appt..) to very honestly discuss this with her MD with a possible/hopeful referral to a counselor.
     
  19. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    I wish I could say it is something like depression, but my wife doesn't really have any of the symptoms listed above.

    She is frequently happy... doesn't get upset over small things... has a lot of energy... never has spoken about dying or told me of any thoughts of that nature (we usually tell each other everything)... aside from crying when we spoke the other day, the last time I saw her cry was in '06 when her dad had a stroke. She has a healthy appetite... etc....

    There honestly aren't any signs.

    As I keep pointing to, she said she was used to me, etc... but hasn't said anything about it since that day a few yrs ago. She usually just says she doesn't know what's wrong, most likely because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings and say the same things again.
     
  20. pbs

    pbs
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    I have to jump in here and tell you that my wife is a passive lover and never initiates anything sexual. Because my sex drive is so much greater than hers, we just accept that and, although passive, she is receptive and responsive and we have a great sex life together. In fact, she could almost be described as a sex kitten - almost anything goes and she has great orgasms - but she is passive, and needs a lot of foreplay before she's ready for sex. This just didn't happen - I learned how to wake up her desires with patience and love over the course of many years. If your wife has simply become passive, she can still have a great time and give you one too, but you need to shift gears so to speak, and maybe you need to win her again in her new passive role. Your disappointment in her seems to be directly proportional to your expectations, and her desires appear to have changed, so try going back to square one and learn how to woo a passive lover rather than expecting her to go back to the aggression she apparently has abandoned. The child raises the stakes, so it might be beneficial to at least try another way. Just my $0.02