relationship problems

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by TheBobT, Apr 29, 2006.

  1. TheBobT

    TheBobT New Member

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    I have been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half now and I love her with all my heart and I hope to marry her one day. I am a 19 year old college student, she just turned 21 four days ago. I started looking at porn online at the age of 11. When I got a computer in my room at the age of 14 it worsened a lot. From the age of 14-17 I would look at porn online from anywhere between 2-10 hours a day. In highschool I was fat, plain and simple, and very shy. Well my senior year of Highschool I decided I wanted to have sex. Well I found an escort on craigslist.com and I went to meet with her, and I had sex with a hooker. It was with a condom. But it was crap, did not feel good the woman was ugly, and it was nothing like porn. Well i wanted to try again but I thought the condom might be messing up the feeling. But I was too afraid of STD's to have sex so I got another escort, she was also not good looking, and I got her to give me an unprotected BJ, thank god I am clean, I was tested about a year ago and am clean. Well after this I had spent $500 and it still all felt wrong. I did not enjoy either times but I figured it was the only sexual contact I would get. I looked at myself long and hard. I started working out, I gave up looking at porn, I got my weight down to 180lbs, not thin by any means but I lost 70lbs and was feeling good. Well I went to college and started hitting on every girl around. But my social skills suck and I am still fairly shy. My big problem was that I did not care what the looked like, just as long as they were interested in me. Well it was a lot harder to find than I though. After the first month of college I had kind of a 1 night stand with an engaged girl, but I think she was lieing. I did not have sex with her but she was my first kiss. Well I felt really bad because I had no feeling towards her. So I dont understand why I did that in the first place. Well anyways. I met this girl on my floor and she was so wonderful. She is so beautiful and sexy. I bet people who take first looks at her just see a plain heavy girl. But I started hanging out with her, I started spending time with her. I spent about 3 weeks with her before we started to kiss and it was the best feeling I have ever had in my life. We started dating, we went slow and took our time. It was the best time in my life, I was so happy. She taught me that women are not just sexual objects and that they are people too. I have always treated her with the utmost respect. I open doors for her (car doors too) and I dote upon her like crazy. Well about 2 months ago, I knew her best friend liked me. One weekend when my girlfriend went home I cheated on her. We did not have sex or oral sex but we kissed a little and I saw her topless. well about a week later guilt was eating me up inside so I told my girlfriend everything. This was a little over 2 months ago. She has since kind of forgiven me... she no longer speaks to her friend. We are back together for the most part. I no longer am ever around her when her friends are around. The time I see her has been cut in half. Well we still kiss and snuggle but that is about it. All sexual activity has come to a halt and I do not blame her for this. Since then I have committed myself to trying everything in my powers to be a better person for her and for myself. I love her with all my heart. Well I want to be strong for her because I know how deeply I have hurt her, but I love her with all my heart and soul and I want to show her that I am with her for more then sex. But I am always horney, and when she is with me it just makes me frusterated. I love her so much but sometimes I feel like I am missing so much in life.
    I dont know, she is my first girlfriend and only girlfriend. I met her the first month of college and I have made no other friends besides her. So when I am not with her I am alone in my room. I want to feel like a college student, i want to go out and have fun every now and then, maybe actually drink (I know I am underage but it is still done) I also find myself wondering, as I look at all the girls around me, would she date me? how about her? maybe her? And I hate myself for this so much. Here I am with this amazing woman who loves me and the jackass that I am looks at other women and wonders, what if?

    I have been talking to a school counsler about this but she is not having much help with me. I love my girlfriend and I would do anything for her.
    I really could see spending the rest of my life with her. I do not want to cheat on her ever again. I want to stop my sex drive. I know you can say it is easy just use your willpower and control yourself. But it is not that simple! I don't know, I guess you could call me a sex addict.

    I just want to know if anyone has any advice for me. Maybe since some of you are older you have lived through something like this or know someone who has.

    Thank you,
    Bob
    (I made the above post on another forum I belong to about a month ago.)
    Since then nothing has really changed. Lonliness is starting to get to me because I only see my girlfriend 2-4 hours a day. I have no other friends, I don't talk to anyone. So for about 3 months now my girlfriend has been the only person I have talked too. Well I only have 2 weeks of school left so I will have to try and make some friends next semester. Sexual frusteration also is starting to get to me a little bit.

    Alright, I will get to my question. She says she will not do anything sexual or let me touch her chest because she needs to know that I respect her. I made a gigantic mistake, yes. I respect her and have not mentioned it to her for the three months hoping that she will start to trust me again slowely but there has been absolutely no change for 3 months now. How long do you think it is going to take? If ever. Ah well, I guess i'm just frusterated.
     
  2. lbushwalker

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    Hi Bob,
    Get out more and see that there is a big wide world out there full of beautiful things and wonderful people.
    imho you committed to this girl to quickly and as to your "indiscretion" it is only what you make of it because in reality it was little more than window shopping.
    I am not trying to be cruel here but suggest you try to get a more balanced perspective on life and don't take things so seriously.
    Buddy you are young so remember to enjoy life, get your rocks off, have a blast because old man time has a nasty habbit of sneaking up on you.
    Life; be in it OK!
    :autofire
     
  3. BiBiBaby

    BiBiBaby New Member

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    I think you ought to go to your schools activity center. Find a club or organization that fits things you enjoy. make friends
    You could probably even go to a school counselor (they are free at my school) and discuss those things with someone.
    One thiing is for sure though, being alone in ur room all the time and depending on one person for your entire social life isnt healthy
     
  4. TheBobT

    TheBobT New Member

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    Yeah I know... I love my girlfriend and there is no way in hell I am breaking up with her. But I defiently need to make some friends... I am joining the circus next year. at my college we have a circus. I JUGGLE!
     
  5. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    Hi Bob..It sounds like you are a little too dedicated and emotionally attached to your girlfriend. Perhaps a break from each other might be a good thing because it'd give you the chance to get your head together and for you and your girlfriend to decide if you're really meant to be together. Go out with other girls and encourage your girlfriend to see other guys, even if you don't like the idea. If you're meant to be together, you'll end up getting back together. It's as simple as that.

    Also, please don't allow yourself to be eaten alive by guilt because of your little escapade with your girlfriend's friend. What you did is certainly not cheating, at least in my book, if all you did was a little groping and kissing. And having sexual thoughts about girls, about any girl at your age is completely normal. You are not a pervert or wronging your girlfriend because of it.
     
  6. TheBobT

    TheBobT New Member

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    Too dedicated? I do love her. I have lead a very lonley life and she has gotten me to get out of my shell a little bit. She has helped me through my first two years of college where I would have faltered before. She is my light at the end of the tunnle. I just need to know from her that one day she will forgive me for what I did.
     
  7. Joe

    Joe
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    You NEED to have other social contacts. You may not feel like it, but it's very important for your social development, which it seems is sorely lacking. One of the most important aspects of college is the social life. You can get a degree online or through the mail, but what campus life offers is a time to develop socially. Join the circus, join other clubs, get out and party, make friends. If you don't you're going to be a boring mate for any woman.
     
  8. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    You are still quite young, inexperienced, and in my honest opinion I would not invest allot of effort in this girl. Granted you may feel she "is the one" but if you gave it time you will probably find someone else who fits your needs much better. From the sounds of it she is probably inexperience too and probably wants some room to explore too. The best thing I can recommend is keep her as a friend to see where things go but not to limit your options to her. Also I would recommend taking a step back and let things happen, especially sex, naturally. If you rush into sex you will find that it is more destructive than fulfilling.
     
  9. HerHubby

    HerHubby The SF Poet Laureate
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    Bob, good guy, I agree with what has been said above. I realize that some of the "horn dogs" around here (whom I have come to like a great deal although they probably think that I am a pesty ol geezer ;>) probably won't agree with me, however, if I could offer any younger person advice, it would be while social activity can be very nice and entertaining, at your age I would be concentrating on finishing college with as high a grade point average as possible. Future employers, graduate schools, professional schools, etc. will not care if you have been a hermit or if you have been socially active (although they MIGHT care if you have gotten an incurable disease, for insurance reasons, or if you have been really promiscuous, for indepth background check reasons) but they WILL care about your major and grade point average. It is probably hard to see right now, but there WILL be other people in your life and if you and your girlfriend are "Mr. and Ms. Right" for each other, you WILL somehow manage to "keep in touch" and develop an ongoing relationship. I have seen that happen many, many, many (did I say "many"? ;>) times. One thing that you might consider doing, especially because it is free, is to go to a website called OKCupid. I've often felt that Ryan ought to have a link to it on SF. Anyway, I suggest you check it out, take as many of the tests as possible, just to get a better understanding of yourself (most of the tests are valid and will give you some insight into yourself). If you can, get your girlfriend to take the tests too. Also, when you click on the "matches" part, you might just find some young ladies with whom you would be far more compatible than your girlfriend. If your girlfriend takes the tests, perhaps she might show up as one of your matches and, if she does not, well, hey maybe that is a sign that - hard as it may seem right now - you two might not turn out to be happy together. EHarmony and Tickle are other such web sites, but they require fees. Even so, those and OKCupid seem to me to be "bang on accurate" - and that's not a commercial, I have no connection with them. I just tried their tests, out of curiosity about how they work, and was AMAZED about how well they seem to work. Also, I say all this as one who was, in the past, a lot like you are now (except I didn't juggle, ha, ha) and in similar situations so I do sympathize with you. Even so, I also know that unless Daddy and/or Mommy is rich, you ARE going to have to make a living and I would advise any younger person to be concentrating on school and grades right now(especially your grammar so that you don't get into trouble with Puss in Boots, ha, ha ;>). Believe me, you'll have plenty of time for social stuff later on when you are established in a career. Sorry if I sound like a parent, however, I wish that someone had given me some good advice back in the day. Take care! All the best to you whatever you do! Keep up the juggling and, hey, maybe we'll see you on TV!!
     
    #9 HerHubby, Sep 12, 2006
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2006
  10. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    I agree w/ all the others here as well. I would also like to add that I led a very alone childhood as well. Not many friends, and I wasn't allowed to do anything. HS prom, date, and when I was 20, I had a curfew of 10:30 :mad I was also fat, and ugly when I was young. I was called all kinds of names, and picked on like crazy. And it was worse, b/c I was at a private school. And being sheltered SO much, when I did have sex, it was a bad decision, and rushed. I regretted it.

    I am in my 20's now and am totally reliving my childhood I didn't have, I go places, do things, and probably have made a lot of decisions that most people don't consider normal-as a result of what my teenage years done to me. I am married now, but don't want kids like all our other friends have. Mainly b/c I feel that I would be again, missing out on SO much that I haven't been able to do, and the responsibility of it all.

    YOU still have a chance. GET out there and have FUN, enjoy college. My college was *picked* for me. You had to have a chaperone to GO ON A DATE. SO please take advantage of your young life, and have a GOOD time! Your current gf sounds like she would make more of a best friend for you right now. You love her b/c she has pulled you out of your shell, and seen you as someone important.
     
  11. HerHubby

    HerHubby The SF Poet Laureate
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    SHEEZE! And I thought MY parents were strict! Did they chop up the hotdogs and make you wear a chastity belt too?! Also, did you by chance go to Bob Jones University? Sounds like something that would go on there! I'm glad that you are still posting here! You write great posts!
     
  12. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    :whoa
    Yep, YOU GUESSED it right on the money there!!! Ol' BJU. That place sucked hole. UNREAL. I do blame a lot of the bad life decisions I made on my upbringing. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents to death, and appreciate everything they did for me...but there has to be a line. My first marriage for instance. Lasted 6 months, but done JUST TO GET THE HELL out of Alcatraz. I was also an only child, and being female, that makes it worse. Nothing I ever do is good enough, so that is why a lot of my ideas are *out* there, and the things I do and get involved in are usually seen as abnormal. Also another reason I don't want kids. Enjoying living my life now :)
     
  13. AnonymousOne

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    Never, ever refer to that hellhole ... Nothing like a racist, fundamentalist christian school...

    I've declared intellectual war on their kind.
     
  14. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    I'm a Baptist and believe 100% in Christianity, but I have to agree w/ your statement. They are a way bit overboard. Don't get me started on that place. I'm glad I had such good experience on sneaking around from my previous experiences. I ended up meeting a professor's son at BJU, and had EXCELLENT sex off campus.

    Did you go there?

    Sorry to get off topic :ugh
     
  15. AnonymousOne

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    No ... I go to a school that actually allows people to do what they want to.

    I know too many people with that fundamentalist mindset. I most assuredly don't believe what you believe, but your very presence here means that you're not the typical BJU grad. I respect that. *bows*

    The last BJU student I got into an argument with, was left intellectually eviscerated in front of a group of people. It was a delicious experience.
     
  16. HerHubby

    HerHubby The SF Poet Laureate
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    Yeah, A1's college is not what you'd call a fundamentalist college, ha, ha! Especially not on football weekends, ha, ha! Back in the '80s, while I was working for a federal court (and, as I have said before, I have no connections with that now other than a pleasant acquaintance with some of the Judges and staff i used to know so I am not a spy for the FBI or anything like that ;>), we had a case come through where a Bob Jones University student's wife had been seen, at their off campus house, wearing - DARE I SPEAK SUCH HORROR - BLUE JEANS while gardening in the back of their house. The university tried to kick out the student because of his wife wearing blue jeans as I recall. His wife "ripped BJU a new one" by taking them to court and won! Their student manual was part of the court record and, as I read through it, I was shocked at how much they tried to control EVERYTHING! I don't think that the Federal Service Academies, VMI or The Citadel try to exert anywhere near as much control over their cadets and midshipmen as BJU tried to exert over their students and the students' families! Anyway, the court educated them about the existence of certain rights in our nation so apparently they eased up somewhat, but they are still, last I heard, pretty strict! Poor Lusty Dreams! No wonder you feel the way that you do! Like you, I am a Christian (even though I visit here, ha, ha ;>), however, I am just NOT in harmony with Bob Jones University! If they were in the Old Testament times, I think that they'd be Pharisees for sure! I've heard of people transfering from BJU to Liberty University and feeling as if they had been set free even though Liberty is far more restricting than many other colleges and universities! Apparently going to BJU is almost as mind warping as working with a bunch of lawyers, ha, ha! ;>
     
  17. AnonymousOne

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    Hubby ... you DO realize that my college actually runs this state right? :lol

    I want to wander onto their campus with a Heavy Metal band t-shirt ... say Slayer, Cannibal Corpse, maybe something really extreme like Benighted.

    Now I just need a fast car to get away in... *muses*
     
  18. Lusty Dreams

    Lusty Dreams New Member

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    Yeah, when you are heavily controlled like that, you end up wanting and doing very off the wall things....And here is something else....the USMC wasn't near as strict as BJU. At least they made some sense w/ their rules and guidelines.

    BJU had a thing for jeans. Although we could wear jean skirts, ankle length,
    on Saturdays...but you still had to have hose on w/ them :eek I wasn't even allowed to have my car there. So I had to take the bus on hourly shcedules to go to the mall or Walmart. OH, you had to sign in and out for that as well. I better stop now :mad