Relationship and marriage

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by privatepartner, Feb 13, 2018.

  1. privatepartner

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    I would like to hear from the married mature people on this site or should I say the people that have or had been married for over 15 years.
    There has been trouble brewing in my marriage for awhile now and it's more being caused by the realization that the person I married I really don't have that much in common with her or it has evolved to that point.
    She is an awesome person but we are different.
    So my question for all of you is when you are a morning person and she is a night person, you like to get outdoors and do things and they would rather be indoors, you are the house can be in order but doesn't have to be perfect at what point in time in these examples do you finally realize that you are existing with this person and no longer in romantic love?
     
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  2. Lovnflman

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    I don't think I could have said it better myself. 21 years together, married 19 years next week. I don't know if I'd call it trouble brewing, but we've grown apart significantly. We gone from almost non stop sex, fantasies, a few MFMs, a sexual smorgasbord to now nothing for over the past few years. I'm a morning person, and she doesn't usual fall asleep until I'm waking up. I'm active and still weigh the same as I did when we first met, while she's ballooned 50+ pounds. We have no friends anymore because she's too concentrated on family. I've always been a neat nick, and she used to be, but our house could soon be on an episode of Hoarders! I'm embarrassed to the point I don't want anyone coming by. We do have date nights, she gets flowers/cards for no specific reason......just because......but it's now more of a friendship than romantic. I guess I'm destined to live out my remaining years with a roommate, and not the sensual romantic and sexual soulmate I married. Oh well.
     
  3. MILF_Rider

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    That's a lot more question than can be answered in one post, that's a long conversation.

    First off, you need to bear In mind that you have probably forgotten starting over in the dating scene is a huge challenge, even more so for her.

    Let's presume you want to rekindle the relationship. What is good about it?
     
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  4. Lovnflman

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    Comfort, familiarity, you're best friends, you know her likes and dislikes (even if they're not yours anymore). As far as the dating scene, I don't think I'd have a problem or issues with that. I could find dates, and/or I could be single. A FWB would be good, or a lover that spent the night while carrying on their own existence. Either way I'd be fine........and have more money!
     
  5. privatepartner

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    I know lots of women in their 40's and 50's looking for men so I agree with some of your response. Other than 30 extra pounds which doesn't bother me my wife would have no trouble finding guys to date. I think all of us would have trouble finding quality people to date. Honestly I would prefer we stay together and have an open marriage that we can do things with other people. I have tip toed into that conversation but she wasn't biting so I backed out of it gently.
     
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  6. Lovnflman

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    The additional 50 pounds does bother me. And it bothers her, but she does nothing to lose the pounds. When someone lets themselves go it's a huge libido killer.
     
  7. MILF_Rider

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    Trust me, second marriage, I speak from experience. The sexual marketplace is your 20's favors women. In your 40s it favors men. 40 year old men have the money and experience to pull 20 year old women. 20 year old men aren't chasing the 40 year old women. Good 40 year old men have a larger pool to pick from, so that leaves the 40 year old men that are not as good for the 40 year old women. Or they aren't after relationships...

    Still, dating is dating and it isn't easy for anybody. You can rekindle with somebody you know. I recommend that path if you can. At least you will be able to tell yourself you tried and you are a better man for it.
     
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  8. MILF_Rider

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    Okay, here's one important starting point. Does she take any antidepressants? Could be for anxiety or whatever but it is common to prescribe Cymbalta or othersimmilar class of drugs for anxiety or depression. Problem is that cymbalta needs libido.

    We are going through this and my wife recently had her prescription adjusted to try to help with the problem.

    See your doctor, but wellbutrin is one possibility to counteract a libido drop from other prescriptions.
     
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  9. Long stroke

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    Every marriage gets stagnant over time and has to be rekindled or jump started from time to time. When this happens, I always go back to what made me fall head over heels with her in the very beginning. There was a reason you both couldn't live without each other way back when. I'll take her out to dinner, open doors for her, whisper sweet nothings in her ear, kiss her neck very lightly and tell her how beautiful she is. Ive even pulled down and stopped on an old dirt road and made out and had sex with her like we did when we were young. that always works
     
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  10. privatepartner

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    Maybe that is part of the problem I have never stopped taking her out to dinner, opening doors for her and if she had any sense of adventure parking would happen just as often.
    It takes two people to start a relationship but it also takes two to keep a relationship. I'm not angry about it the run has been good but I fear it's about over and I would prefer to end it without the knock down drag out divorce and depart this as friends.
     
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  11. used2bgood

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    My wife and I have been married for 49 years and have had a couple of times that we were moving apart in our relationship. We had experimented with couples swapping, MFMs and hall pass sex when we were in our early thirties but had discontinued to do so for various reasons. So we would return to those activities occasionally having a MFM or a FMF with her friend and we would appreciate just how much we actually had in common and the feelings that we had in our twenties and thirties would return. I also have always opened doors for her and have routinely had dinner dates, so doing something like that was routine and wouldn't help to re-spark. The thing to do is something that is NOT routine to re-spark the relationship.

    The years and medical problems have crept up on us so that we don't have PIV sex anymore but we have cuddle nights quite often with sexual fondling, cuddling and assisted masturbation for her to have orgasms. We hold hands as often as we can, usually all evening while watching the TV or at the movies etc.

    I'm not professing that this is for everyone, but this is how we have had a relationship for 49 years and today are more deeply in love than we were in our twenties.
     
  12. MILF_Rider

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    My divorce lawyer cost $4500. It was amicable. We negotiated the settlement on our own without using any lawyer time. Expect it to cost more if anything is contested.

    Yes it is common for marriages to cool over time, but I don't agree it is inevitable. It happens due to assignable causes, and as such there are definite corrective actions available.

    The nice things like opening car doors aren't the answer for this problem.

    She would probably say "I live you but I'm not in live with you" the situation you're describing is like you're not turning her on anymore.

    Let me simply suggest you find a book Married Man Sex Life by Athol Kay.
     
  13. whybother

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    I’m married for 27 years. We have had our hard times. We worked through them. There is no requirement that you share all interests. Find things that you have in common. With a little effort you can discover the things that keep you together.

    One thing that I have figured out. Friends who have split and gone onto other partners often find the same relationship issues with new partners. Starting over doesn’t solve all your problems.

    Even friends who have found happy relationships with new partners miss out on some of the pleasures of long unions. My wife and I have a wealth of shared experiences that I can never share with anyone else. No one else will ever know what it was like when I lost my Dad. No one else will know what it was like to help my son get past bullying that he was subjected to.

    That is a reason to work to stay together but it is also a tool to use to stay together. Use those shared experiences to suggest new experiences.
     
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  14. cincy

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    My wife and I have been together for over 40 years. She is a night person and I am a morning person. We have a good relationship, both in and out of the bedroom. We have sex multiple times every day, my orgasms are always in the morning and hers are always at night.
     
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  15. Lovnflman

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    Together 40+ years and still having sex multiple times every day?
     
  16. MILF_Rider

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    Must be that there is more time for it when retired, we at best do morning and bedtime but on average probably every other day. I can't keep up more than that with work and kids
     
  17. cincy

    cincy Active Member

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    The trick is that she does not let me cum, she teases and denies my orgasms, which means that I'm horny all the time.
     
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  18. MILF_Rider

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    Here chief, I want to tell you more of my story here because you might find some similarities.

    I married my first wife in 2001. At first it was the best and most sex I ever had. It would take a long time but in a 69 position I would eat her pussy to orgasm then fuck her. This would happen multiple times daily, sometimes she would wake me at 3 am and tell me she was horny. She got a boob job. We got married.

    It cooled from there. 3 years later she had an emotional affair, felt bad, we got over that and she gave me our first child. Our second child was born 14 months later, but that second pregnancy was rough... I mentioned this in another thread, but I wanted sex, she didn't and I pressured her too much out of frustration.

    This time also was economically bad, the auto industry decline started in 2006 and I list my job when my company cut over half of its workforce and ulimately went bankrupt. I ended up moving. Our sex frequency at this point was once a week, sometimes missing a week, never more, and getting just routine.

    We moved back as the economy started to recover, kids started school and jobs in automotive were coming back. But the sex life continued to decline, and eventually she fell in love with another parent, another emotional affair.

    That's when I read Married Man Sex Life and I learned a lot I never knew. The spark was rekindled for a bit, but after a year we figured we weren't really right for eachother and parted amicably, we are both happily remarried and I'm certain I have a woman that is right for me now that I know better what I am doing.

    I do think that before this marriage, I was ending up with women that need to be saved. My second girlfriend was bipolar. My first wife didn't even know how to drive when I met her.

    I hear a few things in your story that remind me of my own. I came to this sight in the midst of the decline of my first marriage by the way, and I think I was seeking to fill what I was missing.

    Hope this helps.
     
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