Reasons for cheating

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by confused, Jan 30, 2004.

  1. confused

    confused New Member

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    I mentioned in a thread that this would be interesting to discuss.
    What were the reasons behind cheating for those of us who have?
    Mine was frustration and revenge I guess after a deep hurt. Just made her worse and was hurt again, but there it is. Whats yours?
     
  2. Logger

    Gold Member

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    Getting Hurt

    Getting married, or going steady, means risking getting hurt. In relationships, getting hurt, to one extent or another, is going to hapen.

    The better question is how can hurt be handled constructively, rather than by cheating, which is indirect, and not soultion oriented. Certainly when I get hurt, I am less devoted to being faithful. So getting hurt is a flag for me, to be more careful about temptation, and to find ways to resolve any conflicts that led up to my getting hurt.

    Sometimes I feel hurt when My wife refuses to go along with my wishes. I found a used car last week, that I liked, applied for the loan, but was declined on my income and debt, and house note. I added my wife in, and got approved. But my wife refused to accept the car that I had picked out. Not a big hurt, just an example. So when I discuss other things I need her cooperation on, I mention, I accepted her Veto on the car, and want her to feel her power in the marriage, but I also want her to go along with other things that are important to me, so I can feel power in the marriage.

    Whenever I lose or give up on a disgreement, I use it to my benefit, in the format, "I gave in on the car issue, I hope you will go along with __________, and generally make me feel like I have power in the marriage also." The more I get hurt, the more ammunition I have to use to ask for a better deal on other issues. With my wife, I find I get a better marital bedroom, if my wife does not cook for me. I am happy to keep micro-wave bowls on hand to pop into the microwave, for a more congenial marital bedroom.

    There are steps toward infidelity, and complaining about my wife to another woman, can set up a cycle of sympathy and indulgence. I try to avoid criticizing my wife to people who might take that as a signal of interest in extra-marital sexual endeavors.

    Logger
     
  3. killjoy

    killjoy New Member

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    I recommend the book 'his needs, her needs.' by Willard Harvey, i think his name is....
    it really explains the process of an affair, and how to avoid them :)
     
  4. Logger

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    Harley

    Dear Kiljoy,

    The author of His Needs, Her Needs" is Willard F. Harley. He has a website, http://www.marriagebuilders.com.

    There are many good ideas about marriage and being faithful in Harley's books. The problem I have with Harley's books is that they don't acknowledge the importance of the couple making adjustments to maximize the marital bedroom. Harley fails to emphnasize that many men benefit from sex in the morning, to keep satisfaction fresh in mind, so that energies can be maximized for work.

    The problem I have with the MarriageBuuilders website, is that it is ruled by a number of women who are opposed to enjoying pronography, and opposed to pushing the envelope on sexual positions. I think enjoying errotic videos in the marital bedroom helps prevent the temptation for straying. The more various positions that a husband and wife can enjoy, inmy opinion, the more fullfilling the marriage, and the less temptation for straying.

    Logger
     
    #4 Logger, Feb 14, 2004
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2004