Really shy, where to start?

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by spoon, Apr 19, 2009.

  1. spoon

    spoon New Member

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    Hi guys, I'm 21 and I'm a virgin. I see there's plenty of posts about that here. But I'm really shy. Well, I seem to be getting over it gradually. But I have a hard time just making friends even though I do actually get on with people fine. Shy may not be the word actually... social retard probably fits better ;)

    Thing is I'm not at all shy with sexual stuff - if only I had a chance to show it - you can imagine how frustrating that is! At least as far as I know without having done anything with another person. The first time might still put me off for life :lol

    I don't have anyone to learn from... just wondered if you had any advice from finding someone onwards really. I'm starting to get a bit fidgety now and it would be nice to be pointed in a direction. I don't feel particularly embarrassed or under pressure about it but I'm starting to get worried that it's never going to happen. Thanks for anything.
     
  2. Dreama

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    You're only 21, still young. I wouldn't worry about it never happening, it will-trust in that. However, to speed the process up, you've got to try to meet people. I know you're shy, but is there a way that you wouldn't be shy around people, or anyone you're around that you could see going for? I know some socially awkward guys that are really attractive, especially if they're nice guys with similar interests to mine, so I know that shouldn't be too much of a hindrance. What is a hindrance is not getting out enough to meet anyone, as you'll never meet anyone if you're always by yourself.
     
  3. Hero0fDaHouse

    Hero0fDaHouse New Member

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    i'm actually a lot like you. i'm going to be 21 tommorrow and i am still a virgin. in addition to that, i've never really had a girlfriend. i was really socially inept in high school and i was a loner with only a few friends. now i am in college and i have more friends and even some female ones, but i sm still somewhat shy and maybe socially awkward. as for my looks, i don't think i'm hideous, but i am still struggling to find out where i stand exactly. however, i'm pretty sure that i am not one of those "cute" guys whom girls seek to have sexual experiences with and that is the source of a lot of insecurity for me right now.

    the main reason i am still a virgin is partly because i only plan on losing my virginity to a special girl. after losing my virginity i may become less choosy and more open(but still not a man hoe lol), but i don't seek to lose my virginity to any "doable" girl who is willing. i guess i can describe it kind of like the activation energy of a chemical reaction. the reaction will not proceed until a sufficient amount of energy is put in, then the reaction will rapidly go to completion. lol, ok that was really nerdy i know. but anyways, so yeah, in order to lose my virginity, i need to find a girl whom i am really attratced to and actually care about who cares about me and is willing to have sex with me. and the reason that is very difficult is because i'm lacking in looks as well as personality since i am shy and insecure.

    so yeah, i am kind of going through the same thing. i am trying very hard to learn how to make it happen as well.
     
  4. spoon

    spoon New Member

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    I understand that this isn't a shyness forum and I hope I'm not going too much into that. I know I am young, but nothing says that it definitely will happen. If I don't change, it won't, unless I become extremely lucky.

    No, I'm afraid that I don't meet a lot of people. There are people at work but they're all either attached or uninterested. I only work with a a few but there are plenty more people there who I've never met. There never really seems to be a chance to meet some of the others. Please don't say office party because we've just had one - I didn't really meet anyone new like I was hoping, it was rubbish! :eyes And if I do get to talk to someone then I'm instantly put into the friend zone anyway which is the next problem.

    Hero, yes, you do sound a lot like me but I am trying to forget this perfect fairy tale which doesn't exist. I don't mean I want to throw it away. I don't particularly want to become a pick-up artist. Something in between! I'd love it to be with someone special and I am trying to make that happen.

    It's not just sex, it's the physical contact as well. (Ha! It says 'sexually active' under my username! I wish!)
     
  5. confused08

    confused08 New Member

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    I think if what you are saying about finding that "special someone" to share your first time with you going to have to just be patient. Its going to take time to find that person and more time to realize she is that person. I think you are putting way to much pressure on yourself. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow. It WILL happen trust me. You sound a nice guy and I am sure there is some lucky girl out there that will be happy to know that guys like you do exist. I know I was not like that! But anyway good luck to you man.
     
  6. spoon

    spoon New Member

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    Thank you for saying I sound like a nice person. I understand I need to relax a bit but after 21 years you tend to think you're doing something badly wrong ;) I don't think I give off any signals to say that I'm interested in anything other than... well, talking I suppose. How do you change that?

    BTW that's interesting actually, just the other day at work the girls were going through what they found attractive and the main thing always seems to be confidence. They say it's a big thing. Even coming from a lady who is fairly shy herself so has an idea what it's like!
     
  7. Dreama

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    You can be confident and socially awkward...I agree that confidence is pretty important...Embrace your social awkwardness and be confident in yourself, and you'd be pretty successful.
     
  8. nasty

    nasty New Member

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    Best advice I can give you is find what activities, hobbies, etc. you like to do. Things that will stack in your favor for the awkwardness. Say for instance you like swords go to a Renaissance fair. Find ways to use your disadvantage to your advantage. Then just go with what you know till you find out what type of person you are around. Also figure out what you would like that someone special to be like. Not just hot and sexy. That is nice too, but if you are seriously looking find someone who sparks your interest not just your manstinct.
     
  9. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    OK, maybe I can help a bit here. I was really shy when I was young (being involved in music got me out of it however). Very occasionally, I'll feel just a little shy now...but it's pretty darned rare, I'm very outgoing the majority of the time. I think I could start a conversation with just about anyone.

    Whether you are approaching a fellow or a woman, don't stop and think about it, just do it. Just walk up and say "Hello". That's all there is to it...really. Most people are worried they'll come across as socially inept to everyone else (sound familiar? it's the same thing you are worried about). Smile. Smile a lot. Smile when you walk into a room...everyone (especially women) will notice and wonder what you've been up to that you have a smile on your face. Keep an open body posture that says "I'm approachable" (ie. don't cross your arms or legs...do the equivalent of putting your hands in your back pockets, that's one of the most open body postures...and open body posture says "confidence" where a closed body posture says "insecure")...women read body language about 10 times better than men. And smile.

    Don't plant yourself in one spot and stay there...walk around, say "hello" to random people, remember to smile, sooner or later someone will stop you and open a conversation. Compliment people on what they're wearing...both men and women. Oh, did I mention smile? After you say "hello" to someone you don't know whom you'd like to know, just say something like "you looked interesting and I thought I'd come talk to you". If there's an awkward silence, don't worry about it...if it's a women look her in the eyes and (ahem) smile. Learn a bunch of jokes, and just walk up to someone and tell them a joke. If you spot a woman making eye contact with you, don't hesitate, just walk right up and talk to her like she's your little sister or something. Or smile and wink at her. If you catch her looking again unquestionably go talk to her...that's an open invite. If you don't know what to say, just walk up and say "Hi", then smile...give her a chance to talk to you. You could even tell her "I'm feeling a little shy because I don't know many people here"...she might decide to walk you around and introduce you to folks. If you feel like you and a lady are connecting, just tell her "You're cute...would you like to get together?" Women usually wait for you to ask, although not always. If she says "I have a boyfriend" don't let that throw you, it may or may not be a "boyfriend" in a serious sense (in fact, if she puts her hand to her mouth or near it when she says that, she's probably not telling you the truth)...if you like her, just say "well, you're allowed to have friends aren't you?" (Actually, most times when a woman tells me she has a boyfriend, I either ask her why she's trying to pick me up :lol, or I ask her if he cooks...if she says "Yes he does!", then I tell her "cool...he can make breakfast for you and me"...that always gets a good laugh, and a response anywhere from "I doubt that!" to an embarrassed slap on the arm to "How about four of us?" :brow) If she appears seriously taken, ask her to introduce you to any single friends she has...most women are happy to do that if they think you have a cool personality.

    You've said you're nerdy...get some books on stuff like body language, how to talk to anyone, the power of positive thinking, etc. People (not just women) like folks with confidence, a friendly demeanor, and a sense of humor. If you don't think you're interesting enough, then become an interesting person.

    Women are social creatures much moreso than men in my opinion. Make friends with guys...that gives you social proof, and that's something most women look for, either consciously or sub-consciously. Make friends with women too...that gives you pre-qualification, and that's something most women also like to see. In fact, I'd rather walk into a bar or a party looking like a pimp with a laughing hottie hanging off each arm (even if they're just friends) than to walk in alone but looking like a movie star. However, knowing folks there works just as well (one of the bars I go to often...as I walk in, the bouncers are bumping fists or shaking hands with me, the lady bartenders already have a beer queued up for me, male and female friends are hugging me, shaking my hand, kissing me on the cheek, etc...one crazy woman who's a friend often jumps around my neck and throws her legs around my back...:lol...men shake my hand as I walk in and women come to greet me...what did I do create that? Nothing but be myself...cool, friendly, and confident. Of course, after that social display, guys who don't know me feel a little intimidated and make it a point to be extra respectful...women who don't know me want to meet me to find out who I am...I feel like a friggin' celebrity every time I go to this bar, LOL...I can pretty much just walk up and talk to anyone without being questioned or dismissed...another one or two places I frequent are quickly becoming similar). If you don't know folks there, simply take a walk around and say hello to strangers...pretty soon everyone else will want to know who you are because you apparently know everyone there. It's a self-fulfilling prophesy...since everyone now wants to know who you are because you seem to know everyone, everyone wants to talk to you so you end up knowing everyone. Pretty cool, huh?

    What else? Bring your own fun, even if it's just a fun attitude. No one's interested in someone who's boring and brings down the energy level of their social interactions. Have fun energy yourself...if a group of socializers perceives that you can bring up the energy level of their group, they want you to join their little social group. Don't worry about what people think, just do or say whatever craziness pops into your mind (within reason...just keep it short of getting kicked out! :lol) Think of it this way...if you do or say something that's a little wild and crazy (as long as it's funny) in front of strangers, one of two things will happen: 1) they think you're brave and want to meet you (you've gained something), or 2) they think you're an idiot and they stay a stranger (you've lost nothing since they were already a stranger ;)). When people see you having fun, they want to get in on it.

    I think a long held misconception is that you have to be a jerk/tough guy/"alpha male" to get women's attention. Being "alpha" does NOT mean you have to be a jerk or tough guy, etc. Being confident, but friendly and approachable will get you much farther. If you are having fun (and bringing the fun) people will want to follow you...instant "alpha".

    Let's see, what else? Wear something interesting or maybe just a little unusual...it can be a great conversation starter. I often go out "looking like a musician" (as I've been told)...black jeans, black or multi-colored shirt, Goth looking watch, rings, necklace, long dangly earring, etc. I occasionally wear a leather collar...boy, what a conversation starter that is! Women often stop me to ask "is that a collar?" I usually reply something like "yeah, do you have a leash handy?" :lol Something about that collar, I dunno...I've had women approach me and say things like "you're hot", "I'd hurt you", etc. :dgrin One woman asked me once if I was gay...I told her "yeah...and if I wasn't gay, you'd be soooo mine". :lol We ended up talking for a long time, then she said something about "well, since you're gay...". I then said "Well, I'm a 40 year old virgin too." She started laughing..."Yeah, I believe that about as much as I believe you're gay!" I won't tell you about the rest of the conversation. ;) I've said some pretty crazy shit...I have yet to be slapped by a woman or punched by a man. Confidence has an indifference component to it...if you are at the point where you really don't care what anyone else thinks, that comes across as complete confidence (because it is). People with complete confidence demand too much respect to be slapped or punched. LOL.

    That said, you really can't hide what's on the inside...if you are insecure, it's going to show in your attitudes, body language, etc. So, put some work into yourself...figure out what would give you confidence, and then do it. If you believe you are shy, then you will be shy. If you believe that you are outgoing, then you will be outgoing. What you believe about yourself is probably one of your most important beliefs.

    Notice nowhere in this did I say anything about looks. How many ugly men do you see with beautiful women? Men tend to be drawn to looks first, and women tend to be drawn to personality first. I truly believe it's how we're wired. Dress decent, be and smell clean, well-groomed (pluck those nose hairs if it kills ya! :lol), etc...you don't have to look like a movie star to get women's attention. If you decide to work-out and get fit, get a cool haircut, whatever, do that for YOURSELF, not for anyone else. That'll just feed your self-confidence.

    Self-confidence is sooooo important I think. If you don't believe in yourself, why should anyone else? We are our own worst enemies...our subconscious minds are powerful entities. We hold ourselves back from lack of confidence. If you believe you will fail, your subconscious mind will insure that you do. If you believe that you will succeed, your subconscious mind will do everything in it's power to insure that you succeed. Get some books on the power of positive thinking and get it going on!

    Hope this helped...

    BD
     
    #9 BassDude, Apr 20, 2009
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2009
  10. jhart20

    jhart20 New Member

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    What are you waiting for..go ahead and make that move. I bet you, if you start it you don't wanna stop anymore.
     
  11. Dreama

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    Great post, BD!
     
  12. spoon

    spoon New Member

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    God BassDude, that's a hell of a post. Wow. Thank you. Maybe it's already worked because I went up to someone new and talked to them today. It went okay - well nothing went wrong - it wasn't for long because I had to leave but that meant I quit while I was ahead! Thanks guys.
     
  13. Trond

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    I agree with much of what has been said here, and just thought I should add a thought or two. Part of the problem is also what we (both men and women) expect. Men have a tendency to emphasize too much on the way women look (me too, I have to admit), but women can be just as hopeless - even if they do focus on personality. For instance, women very often put self-confidence on top of their list of desirable male attributes, but many women seem to mix up self-confidence with rudeness. This is why the shy guys often have a harder time finding a girlfriend than the cocky no-good bastards. I guess both men and women could need improvement when it comes to picking partners. In the meantime, building your self-confidence and social skills is probably your best bet. By the way: if you still live with your parents moving out just might solve the problem.
     
  14. lbushwalker

    Gold Member

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    BD that was an awesome life lesson to us all ok?.
    Quite remote to subject but as financial investor I took a lot away from your last post.
    Mate...dude or whatever, in your lingo, you speak with so much truth and experience here.
    Taking notes and will be extrapolating from that.
    In awe, always and thanks........... lbushwaker
     
  15. spoon

    spoon New Member

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    I can't remember exactly what I wrote above, but basically, I don't get out much and I'm trying to change that. So how do you find someone with the same interests ;) as you - however small, big, normal or strange they are, and however long you want the relationship to last - in pubs, bars, clubs, anywhere, even at work? Wouldn't it be easy if everyone was interested in sex an equal amount! What do you do? Just trial and error or is there more to it? Is it really as difficult as I'm imagining?

    I suppose reeealy I'm looking for the partner from heaven to appear :lol but can you help yourself find them at all?
     
  16. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Thanks Darlin!
     
  17. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Absolutely agreed. I think as we age, we learn to pick better partners...either the easy way or the hard way! :lol I'd much rather have someone who is very cute/fit/etc. and has a fabulous personality and sweet disposition than someone who is drop-dead gorgeous but isn't bright enough to hold a conversation or is some shallow selfish little bitch. :lol Drop-dead gorgeous AND killer personality...YOU'RE MINE BABY! (Even if you don't know it yet!) :dgrin

    I also agree it's harder for shy men to land a girlfriend than the loud rude pricks. If you're loud and talkative, you're going to get noticed more, that's true of any situation and regardless of male/female. I really think it takes some balance...if you're a loud rude jerk, you might get the girl, but you won't keep her. If you're the nice-guy door-mat wuss, you'll only get the girls the loud rude jerks don't want. There's some happy middle ground there between jerk and wuss...that's what I think you should aim for. My own personal mantra is "have all the fun I can have without leaving a trail of tears behind me". There ya go.

    BD
     
  18. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    LOL...I think everyone is interested in sex all the time, male or female, and whether they admit it or not! :p If you're sitting back waiting for women to approach you and ask you out, it won't happen often (although it will happen). I think in general, women send you signals that they are interested, they expect you to read them and act on them (and they get frustrated when you don't). Again, if you see a woman look at you twice and/or smile at you, go talk to her. Don't think, don't question yourself, just walk over to her in a relaxed but confident way and say "hello". Ask her a couple questions...if she WANTS to talk to you, you'll know it...if she DOESN'T want to talk to you, she'll make it clear. (Now, I think shy people give up too easily and wander off when they feel like they *might* be getting a go-away vibe...if you're feeling awkward about a silence chances are the other person is too...if you relax it'll make them relax. Stick with it just a little longer than you feel like you should. If they really want you to move along, they'll let you know.) If it feels awkward at first, don't sweat it. If you run out of things to say, don't sweat it. It's no big deal. Look around the room and find something interesting or bizarre, and say something amusing about it. Sometimes I'm quiet...it's usually when I'm studying the people who are there. But then, as I walk past people, I also speak to them...just whatever pops into my mind usually, and often it's something I observed about them earlier.

    And here's another thought...you're probably not going to find "the one" by meeting or dating only one woman, so don't think that you will. Work on adding a lot of women to your life, both friends and girlfriends. The more women you meet, the easier it becomes to meet women. The more women you date, hang out with, whatever, the easier it becomes to realize what it is that you really want in a partner.

    I think the most important thing is to just have fun with it...enjoy the process. :)

    BD
     
  19. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Here's some more thoughts...there's a difference between "shy" and "quiet". Shy implies insecurities...quiet does not necessarily imply anything other than quiet. So, first stop thinking of yourself as "shy" and think of yourself as "quietly confident". ;) You're such a prize that you don't need to out-talk the loud-mouth jerks.

    And you don't get out much...well, then get out! You control when and where you go, so just start going out!

    And flirt. Flirt with every female you see from baby to little old lady. Flirt everywhere you go...grocery store, school, work, tech support on the telephone, on an airplane, with waitresses and bartenders (call them darlin' or sweetheart or whatever), with women waiting in the same line that you are, wherever else! Practice makes perfect and guess what? Most women (probably 95%) will flirt back (because it's harmless to do so). Smile, wink at them, wiggle your eyebrows, playfully tease them, call little old ladies with walkers "young lady" (and watch their faces just light up! :D) Flirting is either with intent (you're trying to get someone's attention that you are interested in) or it's without intent (just for fun)...get good at flirting without intent, then flirt WITH intent the same way that you flirt WITHOUT intent. Make unwavering eye contact with them while you're talking to them, and hold your gaze and smile after you've finished what you were saying (and watch the ladies melt!) Once you get comfortable with flirting with every female, it won't seem so hard to flirt with a cute girl who is your age. Have fun with it...the best response you can possibly get (in a public place, anyway :brow) is a blush or a slap on the arm.

    Story: There's a guy I've seen out with a singles social group a few times. He'll come in, sit at a separate table, order some food, watch a game on the TV, etc. My first thought..."He's shy, let me go talk to him and invite him into the group I'm chatting with". (I hate to see people hanging by themselves...it doesn't bother me if I do it if I'm somewhere alone, but it bothers me to see other people looking "lonely" I suppose...I dunno.) So, I tried to invite this fella into the group I was goofing off with...he said "I can hear the conversation from here". OK. I tried to talk to him a couple times...his body language just said "go away". OK. He wasn't a very attractive guy, no smile, and had the personality of a rock. Honestly, I don't know why he even bothered to come out with this social group if he didn't have any intention of socializing. If he expected the women to come to him to open a conversation, he was sorely disappointed (and will continue to be so). I have to admit, he *almost* creeped me out...I can only imagine how much he must have creeped-out the women in the group. :eek And he's probably NOT some axe-murderer in disquise, he's probably just shy and really insecure. And I have to admit...if I were a woman, would I want someone who was totally socially inept and insecure to the point of creeping even guys out....umm, nope. If he had just walked up the group, smiled, and made eye-contact with whomever was talking at the time (he wouldn't have even had to say anything himself), it would have totally changed everyone's perception of him I think. So...don't be this guy! I doubt he could get laid if he crawled up a chicken's ass...LOL.

    BD
     
    #19 BassDude, Jun 14, 2009
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2009
  20. Barbwire

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    Personally, BD if a total stranger calls me "darlin'" or "sweetheart" I feel like slapping them. It's kind of strange for a person to use such terms of endearment and it's a total turn off.

    As far as flirting with every female that the OP comes in contact with, I think that is bad advice. Not all women are flattered by it, some may think it's creepy or too forward.

    Just my 2 cents. Now, feel free to contradict me with a 1,000 word reply. :p