Rape

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by LovedUp, Dec 26, 2010.

  1. LovedUp

    LovedUp New Member

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    I need help with the classification of rape.
    With my previous and first partner, sex was always painful, partly because obviously it was my first time and I'm very small down there. My then partner always wanted sex, and because of the pain I never enjoyed it, and therefore never wanted to partake. If I said no, he'd perter, put his hands down my trousers and 'annoy' me until I eventually just let him so he'd be off my back. Because I wasn't in the mood or turned on, it hurt all the more. I always felt bad additionally about saying no because I was his girlfriend, therefore the one that was supposed to satiate his sexual desires.
    Talking with my current partner however, he mentioned this is classified as rape? Is this true?
    Thank you in advance,
    E x
     
  2. HisLilSecret

    HisLilSecret New Member

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    YES its your body & you have the right to say no! I would suggest some counseling because eventually this could cause real issues. Boyfriend or not, it is not okay.
     
  3. Mittimer

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    Yes, it's considered rape. The moment you say no and he continues and you don't want it, boyfriend/husband/friend or not, it's rape. No means No.
     
  4. Texas_Red

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    I can't say it any better than this.
     
  5. Kermit

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    A bit of advice I got when i was a teen that would do a lot of people, both men and women a lot of good. Sexuality is something we have the absolute right to be selfish about. You are not obligated to engage in any sexual activity with anyone, even if you are in a relationship with them or even married to them. You don't owe them sex whenever they want it. If you're not up to it, they should respect it. A relationship is so much more than satiating ones sexual desires, i mean hello you're a partner not his cum dumpster. And if he really wants to gets his rocks off he can just masturbate.
     
    #5 Kermit, Dec 26, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2010
  6. LovedUp

    LovedUp New Member

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    Thank you for all your replies.
    It's just I never thought about it this way when I was with him, it's only now that the thoughts have been put into my head. I don't 'feel' like I've been raped. So what do I do? I don't think it's caused any 'mental disturbance' so is there any point attempting to dredge up the memories, or do I let them lie?
     
  7. blondi

    blondi Member

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    to be honest, id let sleeping dogs lie. i had an experience much like yours and then one of my gal pals was like "omg!!! he raped you!?!?!" i certainly didnt want him to, but eventually i had given him permission. so, i dont know if legally one would have a case for rape if one has given consent. however....i understand the feeling of having consented to something without feeling like i really consented. if your past is not causing any issues with your current relationships, in your view OR his, i would leave it be. but, if you find its holding you back, i might seek counseling.
     
  8. Kermit

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    well count yourself lucky that you don't "feel raped" as the trauma can be quite severe and perhaps debilitated. If you're looking to "feel" something feel a greater sense of freedom. THe freedom knowing that it's okay to say no, and if he loves you he will respect it and if it's a physical ailment he will do what he can to make you feel better, even if it is self serving. You are a unique individual and no one can tell you what to do with your own body or have done to it.
     
  9. johndeeregirl

    johndeeregirl New Member

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    completely agree!!


    completely agree!!


    the bolded made me LOL :lol


    if you don't feel raped, I wouldn't dredge up the memories..


    agree with blondi :)



    as someone who roleplayed rape a LOT with my ex, I can tell you that after one incident where he actually DID rape me (safe word said.. threats made.. finally I just laid there staring at the ceiling til he was finished).. I loved him - even though in my head I knew he had raped me, I didn't report it because I didn't want him to be kicked out of the military and end up in jail - not to mention I doubted I'd be believed if he brought my texts where I had told him just days earlier that I couldn't wait for him to "rape" me

    I didn't feel as though I'd been raped at the time, really.. but I left him over it.. and after months of thinking and not being able to get what happened out of my head, it finally sunk in that I *had* been raped. a year of counselling later (the money ran out :( ), I was finally somewhat normal again.. (and about a month into it one of his ex's contacted me and apparently he had did the same thing to at least her & 2 others). it's caused issues with my life, relationships, and my libido.. over 2 years later and I *still* have issues.. my man now knows about it & knows that I still have problems because of it, and he is very understanding and loving

    when I'm not feeling horny, he knows how to touch me not sexually and change it but I also know that he would stop if I ever told him to

    basic moral of my story, if you're not broke, don't try to fix it because then it might actually break you ;)
     
  10. Trond

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    So that IS how it works (about the safe word)! I was wondering if "Kushiel's Dart", the fantasy novel, was right about this.

    Sorry to hear that you had to go through this though. Seems like you were playing a bit with fire, but the fact that he broke all your rules and agreements and did the same to others nails him pretty comfortably in the "asshole" department.
     
  11. Logger

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    For criminal rape, the wording of the statutes vary from state to state. The interpretations of the Crime of rape, and consent, or lack of consent, vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction.

    Generally, your first boy friend backed off, when you said "No," and engaged in what many might consider more foreplay, until you were more in the mood.

    The fact that time elapsed, since you said "No," and more foreplay occurred, and you did not repeat your "NO" but rather went along with insertion, could be taken to mean that you had changed your mind, since the first "No."

    Rape is insertion against the will of the victim. The Rapist has to have a criminal intent. The rapist has to know that you are refusing to have insertion. Your first boyfriend might have believed that his "Annoying" you was foreplay, and that you were giving him permission for insertion, and that the earlier "No" had been observed, and was now changed to at least silent aquiessance, due to more foreplay.

    You do not mention any threats from your first boy friend, which would make your saying "No." again, unnecessary. What prevented you from walking away even before the first "No", or later? Did you have a cell phone? Could you call a cab?

    You may have a right to bring a civil suit, for recovery of damages for rape, gut it seems shaky to me. Lawyers often give free evaluations of cases. There is a lot of emotional upset invovled in lawsuits, win or lose. Another problem is that once you begin a case, then the case takes on an existance, with others having stakes in the outcome, and you will most likely be pressured to shade the truth this way, or that way, to help the "Case". Or to avoid mentioning this or that, that would be a more truthful representation of the circumstances. Lawsuits are about manipulating, and omitting, information given to the Jury.

    Are others advising you to see lawyers or the police? What support are they offering, in terms of the emotional toll this will take from you? What would any law cases do for your future boy firends and employment options? Does your first boyfriend have deep pockets, a big house, over $3 Million, and plenty of assets that are easy to garnishee? Can you get rich from this?



    //
     
    #11 Logger, Dec 26, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2010
  12. nurseharley

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    no, i wouldn't consider this rape.
     
  13. HisLilSecret

    HisLilSecret New Member

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    I had a situation similar to this in my teens. I said no, didnt want to do it, but he kept on & like you I gave in. I also didnt feel raped but it didnt feel good like sex should. If you dont feel raped & have moved on all I can say is learn from the situation & if you dont want to do things dont "give in". you are not obligated to anyone to do anything sexually that you dont want to do.
     
  14. johndeeregirl

    johndeeregirl New Member

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    I played with fire and got burnt.. the agreed safe word should have been like any other woman saying "no" - but he broke the agreement, "admitted" it by repeatedly apologizing as I got dressed and left.. he was an asshole.. I paid for what he did to me & I'm not sure it's ever something I'll get completely over (though I still do fantasize occasionally about the stuff we used to do, there is absolutely no desire to ever make it a reality again)

    but yea.. that's how it works and when everyone plays by the rules it is an indescribably amazing experience (just the ability to trust that much even is amazing)
     
  15. lbushwalker

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    Persistent coercion to achieve consent is not rape as such but still very nasty.
    No woman should allow that.
     
  16. Godiva

    Godiva Member

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    Ok, i'm not meaning anything wrong by this...but maybe the op meant "no" to sex, and therefore not no to him touching her down her pants...so i don't think there is where he stepped wrong.

    I was in a gray area too, when i was...taken advantage of... and didn't think it was anything wrong because i didn't stop him either.

    I think your past bf was a jerk though.

    But i also believe if you're in a relationship, and you LOVE them, you WOULD sacrifice, nay- SHOULD, if you're not really in the mood- just to make your loved one happy.
    I mean given you're not ill, or it hurts or anything. Just simply not in the mood as often you should sexually try somewhat to at least get their rocks off, which isn't sex, it can be just pleasuring them with your hands etc. So i see what you did as a sacrifice.

    Doesn't anyone agree? There should be some sacrifice in all aspects of a marriage/relationship.

    ibushwalker / logger / somewhatlovely- i agree, it isn't down right rape i don't think-but yes, very very jerk like of him. And i wouldn't hang around too long with someone like that or i'd continue to refuse!

    You don't feel raped because you "gave in". You decided in the end to do it, you made a sacrifice-begrudgingly-but what sacrifice is easy to do right?

    You shouldn't have to do it THAT often though! Maybe try to be with someone a bit more gentle and who takes their time more. And with a lower drive (who knows, maybe someone more gentle will turn you on more and give you a better experience you're drive might start to pester his!)
     
  17. daver

    daver New Member

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    This may not be the politically correct thing to say, but sorry, no, I would never call this rape. And frankly, I think it's probably in your best interest not to think in those terms.

    We live in an age of hyperbole and constantly expanding definitions. If some tree-hugging environmentalists plant spikes in trees, the sole purpose of which is to do damage to the blades of saws used to harvest those trees, they now are labeled "eco-terrorists".

    Terrorists?? Agree or disagree with the tactics, but do we really want to put such acts on the same moral plane as the cold-blooded murder of 3000 Americans on 9/11? What ever happened to plain old "sabotage", folks?

    The same applies here. Do you really feel you've been just as horribly violated as a woman who's been attacked by a knife-wielding assailant who threatens her life if she resists? Or even a woman who makes the mistake of accepting her date's invitation back to his place for coffee, perhaps expecting nothing more than light kissing, only to have him force himself on her - and she not refusing out of fear of violent consequences?

    In your case, were you fearful for your physical well-being if you refused to give this guy what he wanted? Were you so repulsed by his actions that you ended the relationship immediately after the first incident, or did you continue to be his girlfriend, inviting him back to your place or going to his, knowing full well that that the unpleasant experience you'd already had was likely to be repeated?

    Let there be no doubt: Yes, it's your body. And yes, you have a right to say no. What he did was bad. He is (or was) a bad person - a cad. But must we classify as "rape" every bad thing that happens sexually to a woman?

    "Rape" is a convenient label: it's great, it can summarize everything in one word. But perhaps you need to accept that there is no simple, one-word label that can be applied to your experience. It's not just about the act, either - it's about your relationship. I'm not sure I can offer the right terms: he was "pushy" while you were too "complacent"? He was "selfish and uncaring", and you were too "submissive and naive"? He did things you didn't want, and you let him, and now you have regrets?

    None of the above can be encapsulated in a nice, single word. Our persistent need for categorization of everything is just not enough of a justification for calling it "rape".

    What happened, happened. If you want to go through life thinking of yourself as a rape victim, that's your prerogative. But I don't think it helps you. And I don't think it's much of an advance for feminism when success is measured by the degree to which we absolve women of their normal responsibility as adults in a relationship. By so expanding the definition of rape, we're not helping women - we're infantilizing them.

    Simply put, I suggest you remember the experience itself, and learn and grow from it. Don't waste your time trying to decide what is the "proper" label for it.
     
    #17 daver, Dec 27, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2010
  18. Dragon_Fire

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    I'm sorry but in my eyes it is purely and simply rape. The fact you finally gave in to his pressures does not lessen that.
     
  19. SWGirl

    SWGirl New Member

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    Okay, 3 things.

    1. I'm a woman.

    2. I have personally fended off a rapist with a knife.

    3. What Daver said is 100% correct with no equivocations, and I really can't even IMAGINE how Dragon Fire could make that response directly after what he said unless you just didn't completely understand it, or read it at all.

    If a Ho-bo asks me for spare change on the street and I say no, but then he follows me a couple of steps and says, "Awww come on. I'm hungry and cold." And I turn around and give him a dollar "just to shut him up", I CERTAINLY am not on my way to the Police Station to make a report about how I was ROBBED. Come on. It's not rape, it won't ever be rape, and by no legal definition is anyone going to file, prosecute, or penalize this as rape.

    If you feel compelled to classify it as something, then begin by defining it for what it is, coercion. At some point, the OP DECIDED that her cost/benefit ration would be better served by having sex with him and she DECIDED to ACTIVELY ENGAGE IN SEXUAL INTERCOURSE, not out of fear or threat of death, but out of a desire to stop the whining. She could have just as easily stopped the whining by leaving the house and ending the relationship unabated. That was also a viable option that was turned down. Conversely, when a man tried to attack and have unwanted sex with me, my only option was to either fight back or let him violate me. Luckily I've always carried protection.
     
    #19 SWGirl, Dec 27, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2010
  20. LovedUp

    LovedUp New Member

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    I completely understand the difference between what happened to me and what happens to those that have undoubtedly been raped, and this was the source of my confusion at being told I'd been raped. I'm not going to send this to any organizations or press it any further. I always intended to simply go on with my life without it making any difference to how I live it. The only thing I can say as to why I simply 'let in' would be the fact that it was my first real boyfriend in about three years, he was my first time and my nature is by definition complacent and submissive.
    Thank you for your replies :)
    E x