Rape and molestation issues

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by msduncan, Jan 21, 2007.

  1. msduncan

    msduncan Active Member

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    Ok having a young daughter, you guys are scaring the crap out of me by saying stuff like 'I know many women who were raped' and even Pusinboots saying she had a horrible experience too.

    Is it this common for girls to have something like this happen to them? If so how in the world do I protect her? Yikes!
     
  2. GentleManSteve

    GentleManSteve New Member

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    I hope Not MSDuncan. I do not have any kids but I wouldn't worry about it too much. Just watch out who gets around your kids. There is some freaks out there and the facts show that most girls are molested by somebody that is around them and they know them.

    OK I need to explain why I said most girls that become a lesbian because getting raped by a male.

    I said that because some girls do not become a lesbian they are born that way.
     
  3. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    Unfortunately it is *very* common and very under-reported. I was sexually assaulted/molested by my stepfather from the time I was maybe 11 years old. I never said a word to my mother because I was afraid of three things:

    1. she'd wouldn't believe me
    2. she'd be angry with me
    3. her marriage would end

    Only one out of those three actually happened with she did find out. I told my brother, with whom I was very close, and he eventually told our mom. Shortly after that my mom divorced him. I feel bad though because my mom had another daughter with him, and my half sister doesn't know that her father was/is a child molester. And I don't know if she should be told. She and her dad are pretty close.
     
  4. GentleManSteve

    GentleManSteve New Member

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    I am so so so sorry to hear that PNB. I hope you all the best in your life and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for starting this argument. I never meant to get this going like this. If my story gets too out of hand just delete it all together. I would rather you delete it than to band any flamers. Not that anybody flamed me.

    I hope you are doing better with your life PNB. I think women should always be treated with respect and dignity and should never have to go through any misfortune in their life what so ever.

    You have my deepest blessing you will always be treated with respect and dignity you deserve. Nobody deserves to be mistreated in any way what so ever, especially women because God Made them to be respected.

    Good luck PNB with your life
     
  5. msduncan

    msduncan Active Member

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    My answer to that last question would be: what if nobody says anything and he does it to someone else?
     
  6. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    Thanks, Steve. I'm doing just fine now, and no I'm not going to delete your story. I certainly don't want anyone to walk on eggshells around me. I decided to reveal my experience to make the point that it is possible for someone to have gone through something like that and come through okay. You're only a victim if you want to be, right?

    Mom and I have discussed whether we should say anything to my younger sister and we have agreed that it's best if we say nothing. However, I think my sister is now old enough and mature enough to handle the truth. She's 21 years old, and a student at UCSB, currently not living at home.

    Perhaps we could ask her if he ever did anything out of the ordinary to her to his new stepdaughters. He's since remarried a woman who brought a couple of kids from her previous marriage. Part of me feels that I should say something to his new wife, but part of me just feels that it's none of my business. He seems to have been interested sexually only in me, and not his natural daughter. Maybe that's big part of how he justified his behavior. I wasn't his "real" daughter, so therefore he isn't totally perverted.

    Some advice or suggestions would be appreciated here.
     
  7. msduncan

    msduncan Active Member

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    Curious, and don't answer if it makes you uncomfortable....... But how in the world did he do it the first time? I mean I'd guess a person takes a huge risk the first time they try that, even if it's on a family member. You could easily have run and told someone. Did he ease you into it, or did he threaten you, or did he make you feel like it would be wrong to tell or something?

    I just can't get what people like this think.... what makes them tick, you know? Of course maybe they're just mentally not all there.
     
  8. GentleManSteve

    GentleManSteve New Member

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    I have read stories about this and other issues and most people try different approaches to gain trust in people. The will sit close to the girl in some cases. They will do small things at first like let the girl see their privates to see how they act towards it. But most I have read showed that they do it in a way that the girl will think it was an accident and not think much of it. When the guy or molester gets braver they will try to go farther with it each time. Most of the time the molester will tell the girl if they tell they will kill them or somebody like their mother to scare them to not to tell anybody.

    That is just about all I know. But I am just going by what I have read that people have said what had happened to them. It might be more people out there that has kept it a secret and not told anybody though.

    Maybe PNB. I do not know what you should do in this case. Maybe tell her to watch him around her daughter and not let him get her alone by himself or something.

    I am glad you have came through this all right. God Bless you.

    Hope you find the right wisdom to help you in your ordeal.

    You have also showed some girls will keep it a secret and not tell anybody about what happened to them.
     
  9. On_Top

    On_Top New Member

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    First of all, from what I've seen, rape and molestation happen mostly from people the victim knows. Especially family members.
    Also, if she has been abused, check for major mood and personality changes. Becoming withdrawn or promiscuous. Both are products of sexual abuse.

    A lot of times the girls don't tell anyone because of shame. They feel it is their fault or that it was a dirty thing and they feel disgusting for it happening.
     
  10. On_Top

    On_Top New Member

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    Oh, and PussinBoots, I would tell them. All of them.
    He did it, he should have to live with his actions. For all these years he's thought he's gotten away with it, without any punishment. It should hang over his head.

    I know it's a tough thing to talk about with other people, but they deserve to know. You are protecting them.

    When a person is convicted of a sex crime, they have to register at jobs and such as a registered sex offender. These people always have to own up for their crimes, your ex step-father should be no different.
     
  11. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    :sf is known to deal with some very serious, deep, intimate subjects. Some of the major posters (PNB being one of the premier ones) are happy to open their lives' details, if it can help anyone, anywhere.

    Any sexual predator who "justifies" his behavior, with whatever reason, is in denial, and is positioning himself to repeat his behavior. Any young woman, under his authority, is in danger of experiencing the same degradation that you have endured. You do not "OWE HIM" silence. In my humble opinion, you OWE any children he is in authority over the priviledge of knowing they are in danger. I know it is a hard situation to be in, but so is the child/young adult that is in his "care".


    You must keep your level of communication and trust open. You need to ALWAYS give her opportunities to share a 'bad' experience with you. ALWAYS instill in her that if something does happen to her, it is not her fault. Always let her know that NO ONE can hurt her, if she tells you anything that scares her.
     
  12. BiBiBaby

    BiBiBaby New Member

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    PNB... a close friend of mine had a similar situation to you. She was sexually abused by her stepfather starting when she was 6 until she was 17. Her mom actually caught him and the family 'got help' when she was 11 but it didn't help. When she told her mom it continued they almost got a divorce but never actually did.

    What frightens me the most is that he has a 6 year old granddaughter now. From his daughter-in-laws first marriage so again not "real" family. I worry for her safety.



    as for MsDuncan's question, I agree whole heartedly with Rose. Do your best to keep an open line of communication with her. Be honest with her about sex too, and make sure that she is COMPLETELY aware that even if the guy is her boyfriend or the 'love of her life' if she says NO its still WRONG. So many girls seem to think that in situations like that if they say no but it still happens then they must have been indicating yes in other ways
     
  13. Staypuff

    Staypuff New Member

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    Every girl that I know who has been sexually used or abused, knew their violator. I've heard it from girls who just met them in the grocery store a while back, or a friend, a best friend and relatives. It makes me angry.
     
  14. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    I suppose when you're touched and abused from a very young age you grow up thinking that it's normal. It started out as inappropriate touching and situations. My step-father would make me lie on the bed with him when my mom was at work. We were fully clothed and he would wrap his arms and legs around me and we'd just lie there in the dark. I was too young at the time to realize that this wasn't normal. He'd touch my breasts and bottom, and make me sit on his lap. I remember distinctly one time I sitting on his lap and playing computer games, when I felt something hard poking into my back. I jumped off his lap and he had taken his erect penis out of his shorts, and said "Look what you did to me. Look how big it is." I don't remember how old I was, maybe thirteen.

    He made sexually suggestive comments to me all the time, such as asking me if I wanted to take a shower with him. I always said no and that really wounded him, as if me not wanting to take a shower with him meant that I thought of him as "some kind of fucking rapist." (his words) The typical molester will try to guilt-trip their victims into doing what they want, or to make it seem it it's somehow their fault.

    The worst incident happened when I was fifteen. It was summer time and I'd been at my grandpa's swimming. My step father picked me up at the pool and instead of driving us home he drove to an abandoned school parking lot. He started out by saying he was concerned that I was sexually active (I wasn't) and he told me to make sure I was using condoms. He was also frustrated and angry with me for my constant dismissal of his sexual advances. I remember he actually started crying and told me how bad I made him feel when I refused to take a shower with him. He also wanted to "teach me" a few things. He kissed me on the mouth, pulled his erect penis out of his shorts and made me hold it, then he stuck his hand inside my bathing suit bottoms and stuck his finger inside my vagina.

    Afterward, he told me that I shouldn't tell mom about it because "she wouldn't understand." I nodded my head and didn't say anything. I was in a dumb state of shock during the whole thing, as if all my emotions were shut down. I couldn't move, cry, or talk. After I recovered my senses I felt horribly violated and ashamed. Why didn't I run? Why didn't I do anything?? The only positive thing about that incident in the car is that all touching, suggestions, etc ended there. Perhaps the gravity of what he had done really hit him because after that he never said or did anything inappropriate to me again. About a week after the incident he said, "Well it's been about a week since our little talk. So you want to talk about anything?" No, I don't.

    I had three more years of living in the same house with that man to look forward to. Later I found out that after the incident in the car, my step father revealed to my mother that he was "attracted" to me and that she had better start putting out for him, when and where and how he wanted, or he would "do something" to me. My mom had gone back to school and was also working part time so their sex life wasn't very lively. Anyway, when she heard that she panicked. She did anything he wanted. He wanted anal sex, she gave it to him. He wanted blow jobs in public places, she gave them to him. She fulfilled all of his fantasies she could, in order to "save me" never knowing that he had already "done something" to me..a lot of things really.

    I eventually told my brother and closest friends about the abuse. My friends all offered to help me but I was terrified of what he'd do if he found out I'd said something. My mom found about it in a rather extraordinary way. She and my brother were in the car and they were discussing one of my cousins, who had recently accused her dad's roommate of sexually abusing her. There seemed to be some doubt as to her sincerity. Then my brother said, "It's like what Gwen said about Mike molesting her. I mean, why would she say something like that?

    At that moment my mother knew. She said it was like her heart stopped beating. She had to pull over and calm down and ask my brother to repeat exactly what I had told him. My brother was beside himself because he thought my mom already knew all about it. He evidently, didn't believe me when I told him. I guess I can't blame him. Maybe he chose to not believe it because the idea of living in the same house as a child molester was too horrible even to be considered.

    I had long since moved out of the house at this point. After the abuse I all of a sudden developed a severe self-esteem problem, became emotionally unstable, and sexually promiscuous. My behavior ultimately ended up getting me kicked out of the house.

    My mom drove straight home and confronted Mike point blank, "Did you molest, Gwen?" and he looked her straight in the eye and said, "Yes, I did."

    They were divorced a few years later. My mom tried to get him to get some help and to get me some help, but it was over. It must be really hard to find out that the person you fell in love with and dedicated your life to is now a monster.

    Anyway, that's my story. It's probably similar from the stories of countless young girls in the world today.
     
  15. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Whew. It's taken me a whole day to swallow the above post, Miss Puss. I think that's why no one has posted here since you revealed your experience. It's very hard to respond to something so terribly devastating (though you are certainly a 'survivor'). It's equally hard to know exactly what to say, as you have so graciously opened up an obviously painful part of your life to us.

    Pedophiles and Sexual predators are some of the most vile criminals. They choose their victims based on their helplessness. And their crimes are crimes of VIOLENCE in the worst sense, even if there are no bruises or cuts on the outside. It's the injuries on the inside that do the most damage. I'm so glad you have overcome (to the extent that anyone can). Your story certainly can help others who may lurk here and need some closure for their own lives.

    Thanks, and a big hug... :grouphug
     
  16. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    Thanks, Rose. I really appreciate your response. I know it's hard to read but I posted it so :sf readers could understand me better and what its like for the countless number of girls and boys in similar situation. Someone asked earlier how it got started and why it was allowed to continue. Well, I guess when someone has that much power over you it's impossible to say no to them. They've got you trapped inside your own shame and self loathing. I'm no longer ashamed of what happened with my step-father and I can look back on those years and realize that he was a very sick man. If I have one regret it's that I didn't say anything to my mother sooner, then she might not have had to go through what she went through.
     
  17. HerHubby

    HerHubby The SF Poet Laureate
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    "Puss", if you kindly would, please wrap your arms around yourself and pretend that I just gave you a big warm (chaste yet warm and caring) hug! My wife has nearly 30 years of experience as a Child Protective Services Social Worker. She and the police take a very negative view of child molesters and deal with them severely. It might be a good idea to discretely try to find out if your sister has ever been molested by her father. If she ever has children, it would be a good idea to go ahead and tell your sister what happened and warn her, kindly, to make sure that her father is never alone with her children. If your ex step father ever gets huffy or threatening with you or your brother or your half sister, I would suggest immediately contacting the police and the Child Protective Services unit in the area where he lives (as well as those in the area where you all used to live if that is different), telling them what has gone on, tell them that he is being huffy or threatening with you and let them handle it. Our states and nation need to get sexual abuse, as well as all other forms of child abuse, stopped because it is doing a great deal of damage to our nation. Many mental health, social services and law enforcement people privately would like to see sexual predators arrested and never allowed out of prison. Some of them would like to see the death penalty for child sexual molesters. Usually they do not change, even with intensive therapy and are usually totally unrepentent. Again, kindly, gently, helpfully speaking, if your sister ever has children, her father should never be alone with them and if he ever attempts to molest them, he needs to be turned over to the police and social services child protective services and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Take care, sweetheart! You're a great lady! By being open about this you have probably helped many people. I'd offer to hug you if I was near you!
     
  18. HerHubby

    HerHubby The SF Poet Laureate
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    Rose, I am so glad that you participate in SF! If I was near you, right now, I would ask to give you a big, warm hug and would give Thorn one too whether he wanted it or not, ha, ha!
     
  19. heelfetish

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    I wish I knew what to say. :( I never seem to run out of words in the light-hearted topics, but topics like this make my heart ache. To all the victims out there, I can only offer my love and support. I wish a hug (even a virtual one) could make things better.

    Puss, I'm sorry for what you had to endure, and for the painful memories you have now. You're a wonderful woman with a kind heart, it sickens me that someone (anyone) would take advantage of you. I'm also very impressed with your ability to cope and deal with your past. If only everyone was as strong...

    *hugs*
     
  20. the_pope

    the_pope New Member

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    When I was in highschool , my 10 year old sister came to me one day and told me our stepfather had been abusing her , at first I didn't believe her (very stupid of me) but then she showed me her bruises. I went absolutly Mental, and Called up a few friends of mine ( I used to be in a gang called the terror crew, i got in with the wrong crowd but respect them for sticking with me in this matter.) I waited until my stepfather came home that evening and absolutely kicked the sh*t out of him. ( My mother died in a car crash, otherwise she would have stopped me.)
    This may be kind of the wrong reaction to child abuse in your eyes , but at the time it seemed perfectly Ok.
    We never heard anything of him ever again.