Question about wife/sex

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by dhop, Aug 9, 2007.

  1. dhop

    dhop New Member

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    My wife and I have been married for 8 years. I'm 46 and She's 41. Second marriage for both of us. She and I each have 2 kids. After we married, I adopted her oldest daughter. For the first 4 years or so, our sexual relationship seemed to be great. We had sex a couple of times a week, and were into trying new things, and some health exploration. We would often plan and spend long evenings with wine, bath, massages, and lots of foreplay.
    About three years ago, about the time her oldest daughter was graduating from HS, things began to change. Gradually, she started to lose interest in sex. Now, she rarely is interested in sex. When I initiate it, she seems mostly disinterested, and is not really "into it". Usually, it seems like me simply taking an opportunity to meet a need. Often, when we do have sex, I try to stretch it out, with prolonged foreplay, she seems impatient, like she simply wants to get it done. She has told me that when I want sex, I should just tell her, and we can have a quick episode, without all the foreplay. She really has a hard time getting excited, her wetness is very low (we now mostly have to use a lube), and has a hard time reaching orgasm.
    She says that her libido is simply changing, and she's getting older, and sex is just not so important anymore. She says it could be the onset of menapause.
    I'm really not convinced that's it. She is definitely struggling with the difficulty of having our daughter and grand-daughter temporarily living with us (son-in-law is away at Navy boot camp). She often says that when our daughter moves out, things will get "back to normal", and she'll be able to "get herself together again". She really has gotten to the point where she does very little around the house anymore. I think there may be some emotional problems, combined with some physical stuff, going on. She's really not motivated to talk to her doctor about it. She has a bit of a drinking problem, and I'm sure that's related, as well.

    I apologize for the rambling, but I'm really not sure how to proceed. I'm commited to hanging in there, but I'm concerned about the long term.

    I would appreciate any advice/input anyone has to offer.
     
  2. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

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    I have no idea what to tell you. That was the story of my last marriage. Nothing helped. After 3 years of this she decided to go home to her mother and by then I was glad to see her go. Good luck!:ugh
     
  3. msduncan

    msduncan Active Member

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    That's a terrible answer! :p

    dhop: my advice is to catch her in a quiet place and tell her you love her deeply and that you are worried about it. Tell her that she doesn't seem herself and that you'd like to do anything you can to make her feel better. Tell her that as her husband you want to know what you can do to help.
     
  4. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    Well, while it's not the happily ever after answer, I think it's an earnest answer. Just my opinion.

    As for the original poster.... I know that I go through severe periods like this myself. For awhile I want more sex than he can handle. Then I'm just not interested. I'm not opposed to it. But I don't necessarily yearn for it, need it, desire it as far as sexual satisfaction for myself goes. So to me there may be times that the foreplay to get me in the mood isn't needed. You want sex? You need sex? You wish to feel close to me? We can do that. I can do that for my love because I love him, but it doesn't always have to be the frilly experience. Sometimes sex really is about meeting a need. That seems to be okay to the one asking for it, but not for the one giving it. Why is that?
     
  5. cbrmale

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    Forties and declining sexual desire is not uncommon in the female gender. My wife is older (46), and she doesn't have as high a libido as me, but we still have good sex because she loves me and she wants to share sex with me and she wants to share good sex with me. Different women show their love in different ways, some will have sex because they still love you and some will have good sex because they love you. Either way, there is something there because many middle-aged men complain about little or no sex in their lives at all.

    A good thing to do would be to communicate your desire for more than basic sex, if not every time then at least sometime. Be non-accusational, use the 'I' word as much as you can. I feel very special and very loved when we have really passionate sex, for example. Also, don't neglect other aspects of love in your relationship.

    On the other hand, indifferent sex can be a real relationship destroyer over the long term as the other poster pointed out. You have fears of this, I can tell. Communicate your desire, show your love, and see how things go.
     
  6. Stormy

    Stormy New Member

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    The alcohol isn't helping either. Is she using it as a coping mechanism? Your wife is going through some life changes now. How she deals with it is going to affect your relationship big time. Would she be willing to see her doctor to discuss things, see if he/she can offer some help? Keep in mind too, no matter how supportive you are, she has take responsibility for herself. Things aren't magically going to "fix" themselves with wishful thinking.
     
  7. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    Based on your posting I think there maybe at least three different things going on here.

    1) You have been together for a while and as a relationship matures the need for sex decreases. Women will use sex to attract a man and to form a bond with him. Chances are she does not need sex as much because she feels as though she has bonded with you and feels close to you.

    2) She may be pre-menopausal or going through a hormonal change. Her hormones may be changing and so her interests may be changing too. It might be worth he she saw her doctor to have it investigated.

    3) Life changes / stresses. It seems as though there maybe some issues here. Having a grand-child is a joyous time but it also means you are getting older too. So she may become to the realization that she is no longer a spring chicken but a full grown woman. Plus having temporary guests is never easy and it is always disruptive so that may be fuelling things too.

    From your posting I do not feel it is you or your relationship with her. Instead I think she is going through a lot of changes that is causing a loss of interest.
     
  8. Stormy

    Stormy New Member

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    I take issue with this statement. Its the exact opposite in my relationship. My husband has lost all interest. And, in talking to friends, it would seem I'm not alone in this.

    Anyway, good points there Yorkie!
     
  9. HouseHunny

    HouseHunny New Member

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    I agree with most of what has been said. Also, is she is good physical shape? I also see how this tends to also influence whether women lose libido in the later years. Those who seem in better shape are living life to the fullest and also still feel sexy and vibrant.

    Find a way to encourage a positive lifestyle change. One that will include a better diet and exercise plan. This alone will also help change other bad habits like the drinking and such. She should not feel like she is in this alone. You should do this together. It will give you two something that will bring you close again. I am sure she must be feeling like her life is just slipping by her as she watches it on the sidelines. Make sure you show her the good things in life and how she should be proactive and enjoy the good things in life.

    When was the last time you looked into her eyes and told her she was beautiful and actually meant it?

    The way you do things will make a difference. If she is not showing interest to get seen by a professional..You take her by the hand and tell her you love her so much and are concerned and part of a positive lifestyle change includes being healthy all the way around. It has to be done.

    Good luck to you :)
     
  10. vitia

    vitia New Member

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    I agree with most of what has been said but this not make resolution .we have to see another way more confortable for both ....
     
  11. cbrmale

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    We'll go into psychology here and talk generalities. The attached study announced about this time last year is interesting. Like most of psychology, this is statistically derived. This means that it doesn't apply to all women and all relationships, just the majority. In my case, I am university educated and my wife isn't. And despite being an intelligent woman, she feels intellectually inferior to me beyond my degree qualifications. At the end of this article, I discovered one reason why our sex life never flags. Perhaps I am the valuable mate of choice.

    THE female sex drive starts sputtering to a halt as soon as a woman has got her man, according to a new study.

    Researchers have found that women's libido plummets so rapidly when they believe they are in a secure relationship that after just four years the proportion of 30-year-old women wanting regular sex falls below 50 per cent.

    There are few things that appear able to keep a woman sexually interested, the study found, but living apart for extended periods can help.

    The findings for women contrast with those for men, whose sexual appetite hardly flagged at all up to 40 years after marriage.

    The study, by researchers at Hamburg-Eppendorf University in Germany, challenges the popular image of modern women as equal to men in sexual appetite.

    "Female motivation matches male sexual motivation in the first years of the partnership and then steadily decreases," concludes Dietrich Klusmann, the medical psychologist who conducted the study.

    "Male motivation remains constant regardless of the duration of the partnership." Dr Klusmann questioned more than 500 people about their sex lives in order to measure changes in their libido. He found that within a year of a relationship starting, female libido moved into steep decline. While 60 per cent of 30-year-old women reported wanting sex "often" at the start of a relationship, the figure fell to below 50per cent within four years and to about 20 per cent after 20 years.

    Dr Klusmann, whose work will be published this week in the journal Human Nature, has compared his findings to the sexual habits of prairie voles and offers an evolutionary explanation. He believes that women, having found a man with whom to procreate, keep "resources" scarce to keep the man interested. Men, on the other hand, maintain a higher sex drive in the hope of keeping their mate faithful and other men at bay.

    The Germans found, however, that living apart slows the decline in female libido, confirming the maxim "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

    Women whose husbands or boyfriends have higher educational qualifications than their own also maintain their sex drive. This, speculates Dr Klusmann, is because such men are regarded as a "valuable mate of choice" by other women.
     
  12. Bluesy

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    That's very interesting, hon, but one study is far from being conclusive. Former studies indicate the exact opposite, so further research is going to be required to put the subject to bed, so to speak ;)

    Personally, I've never been in a relationship with a man who could keep up with me in the bedroom...sadly.
     
  13. cbrmale

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    I know its just one study Bluesy, I have two more in hard copy spread over the last thirty years. This is a phenomonon that's been observed in Western women for many years. It's probably evolutionary, and the reasons are probably due to self-preservation by limiting sex to limit pregnancies and childbirth. In cultures where the connection between sex and childbirth was not known, women are typically sexier.

    This is where we get the disconnect. Women have almost unlimited sexual potential, women can keep going and going and going at sex, perhaps only stopping when they are too sore to continue. A woman can wear out not just one man, she can wear out many men, and still keep going. And yet, in Western society, we have many men wanting more sex and many women backing away from it. We have many women on this forum who have admitted to sexual droughts at different times in their lives for reasons they don't understand. I work with a few men who are going through sexual droughts for reasons they don't understand either.

    So yes, women have a greater biological sexual capacity, but in the West there are inherited (or perhaps evolved) issues which keep women from realising their biological potential.

    At the beginning of my posting I wrote 'this means that it doesn't apply to all women and all relationships, just the majority', which means you wearing your men out doesn't change anything, because you are just one woman, and this study (along with my two other studies) are of many women

    In terms of my relationship, the amazing nature of my sex life may fit into the 'education gap' theory, but more likely it is because my wife is from a culture that never evolved to say 'no' to sex.
     
  14. shwartz73

    shwartz73 New Member

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    It seems that whe might be having life changing experiences and distractions that might be interfereing with your lovemaking. Perhaps when you guys are alone you can strike up a conversation on what might make that flame start in her. If that doens't work get away from the house and go somewhere where there are no distractions like a vacation and see what happens there. This at least will answer your question if it is in fact the presence of your daughter and grand-daughter.