Porn

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by CatlinAnn, Oct 5, 2005.

  1. CatlinAnn

    CatlinAnn New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2005
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Illinois
    Why do men like porn so much? Is it about seeing the act done? It's it about seeing other girls who aren't your partner? Is it just about body parts and not the people as a whole?

    I don't like porn but i don't really have a problem with it. Other than my husband has a ton and he acts all secretive about it. It's more him hiding it than him having it. When i ask why he likes it, he can't give me a straight answer. I know lots of people.. men and women like it. I just wondered, from a guys point of view, why? I don't have a problem watching them with him but he acts like they are "bad" and stuff.
    I find most rather cheesy tho.

    I will admit that i don't like it if he watches it in secret then comes up to me and is like "lets do it". It makes me feel used and like anyone would do. I talked to him about this last night and he said yes he watches, yes he gets excited but he doesn't think about others when he's with me. He says he was being "forceful, and take charge" when he was saying lets do it.

    Any opinions would be appreciated.
     
  2. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,823
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Dixie Land
    Okay, CatlinAnn, I thoroughly enjoy porn. I enjoy watching it with my husband, and I thoroughly enjoy him getting turned on and wanting to get it on after watching it. It is raw sexuality, and it excites the innermost core of my being. Perhaps it is the primitive "man - and - woman" intensity, perhaps it is the helplessness of the woman, perhaps it is the whole "control" thingy, but I am just as excited after watching it.
    I am secure in my relationship with my husband. I know he wants no one but me, and when he is engaging in intense, hot sex with me after watching a porn flick, I know it is me he is fucking, and not some "fantasy girl".
    It is a guy thing. Like the book "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" - we get turned on by different things - totally - but I am happy to be the object of his sensuality.

    On the flip side of the coin, he is always willing to indulge me with my most intimate feelings - I love romance, I love flirting, I love seduction, I love mystery.... and when it's my turn, he reciprocates.

    Probably why we've been happily married for 28 years.
     
  3. CatlinAnn

    CatlinAnn New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2005
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Illinois
    Thanks for answering Rose, I haven't posted much but i do read this page often and i really respect your opinion. I posted before about problems i was having with my husband. He was on Lexapro (started back in March) He's been changed to something else. I forget the name right now of it. But right after that we had a lot of problems. We went from having sex 7 days a week, to maybe 1. Rather than talke to me, he assumed he wasn't attracted to me anymore. He has a big problem talking to me about sex, and acts upset when i talk to him and try to ask him stuff. Anyway, rather than tell me he was having less desire for me.. and maybe we could figure it out together, he wanted to have 3somes and stuff. Stuff i could never agree too. Things got better for about a week. Because we were so emotional and talked about things. Then about 2 months later, he got very verbally abusive. Saying he'd leave me if i didnt lose weight. I've been this size for 11 years, and most of his porn is of heavy girls. But he said i had to get to some retarded low amount. I've been losing weight, but i started before all this happened. He said he didn't realize how mean he was being, he went to the dr the next week and got his meds changed. Since then, his desire has been up some, but he still has sexual problems. He blames it on everything but the meds.. age.. whatever. He can only orgasm if he does things he considers "kinky" or naughty ... Not that they really are. But we went from having anal sex 1-2 times a month to almost every time. Or he wants "porn" type shots of him going all over me. Those are considered naughty because when we got together.. we were very young and i wouldn't let him do that.

    I know part of the problem is that he's torn up my confidence. And another part is he still hides it and won't talk to me. He says when i ask him about the porn he feels guilty. He's a little complusive, so i worry about that aspect of it too. He has 100+ movies. He used to collect stuff. He's gotten rid of 2-3 collections. I could see watching it with him. I don't tell him it's bad or gross or anything like that. I just want to understand what he's thinking, how he sees it, and stuff.

    He's also been saying stuff like.. he needs me because he feels safe with me and he'd freak out without me. I want to be needed, wanted, desired.. Not just needed so he doesn't have panic attacks. If he trusts me and i calm him, why does he have such a hard time talking to me about this stuff. Is he afraid i'll freak out and leave?

    Sorry for the long rant, this isn't something i can talk to anyone here about. And i really do want to understand him and i don't want him to hide things from me. I don't want him to think he has to watch porn(do something he considers naughty) so we can have sex. I mean he likes porn, don't get me wrong. It's that i worry he's using it as a crutch so he doesn't have to deal with his real problem that the meds are causing. He worries that i'm doing without it and that i blame him because of it. I felt very used the other day.
     
  4. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,823
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Dixie Land
    So I take it that the new meds are still giving him some side-effects that are bad for your relationship. Perhaps another visit to the doctor is in order.

    Its hard to answer this thread, because the real person who needs to get advice is your hubby, and he's not the one writing. Looks like he gets turned on, then comes out from behind his DVD machine , all hard and horney, and expects you to be instantly 'in the mood'. Perhaps if he used some of that erotic energy to help put YOU in the mood, it would make it more mutually enjoyable for both of you. I think I mentioned somewhere else on this board that men need to know that women do not have an "On/Off" button next to their bed.

    And he obviously has some serious guilt about his sexuality. I don't know how to help him in that area. It's probably deep-rooted, and since he won't talk about it . . . . perhaps someone else on this board has some ideas. :ugh
     
  5. MrK40

    MrK40 New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2005
    Messages:
    102
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The Great Southwest
    For me, it is the excitement of nudity. For some people maybe nakedness is nothing. I love seeing women naked. There is not much that can be more beautiful than a nude woman.

    I don't get to interested in the average porn flick, I like amateur productions and girls gone wild / girl next door type things. Real women without mega plastic surgery.
     
  6. CatlinAnn

    CatlinAnn New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2005
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Illinois
    He's taking Zoloft. When he first started taking it, his desire came back a lot, i'd say about 75 %. He was still delayed in going but he did want it more. Maybe 3 times a week. Then after a month they made the dose higher, which totally killed it again pretty much. He'd get aroused, then lose it. He'd mentally want it but was unable to finish without something to really send him over the edge. Then he'd start to worry that he couldn't.. that i'd be upset if he just stopped or that i'd look at him as less. Which i've told him i don't, I understand it's the meds. Anyway, after the higher dose of meds messed things back up really bad the next time he went to the dr, we told him. He said to wait, and if it wasn't better next time he'd give him some meds. When he changed meds he had to go back every 3-4 weeks. So, last time we went to the dr. He was given wellbutron or something like that. He has to take it with the zoloft. The dr said it'd help with the sexual disfunction. Or we could get viagra which isn't covered by insurance. My husband says the wellbutron makes it so there's no "build up" and he just goes. It's also taking as long for him to go, and i haven't noticed him wanting it more. I can tell when he's not really into it or having trouble and i think that upsets him more. And he can't really stop the meds all together because he was having panic attacks and was getting to the point he was going to pass out. The dr says that after a year he may be able to get off the meds. But i don't really see how.

    Last night i talked to him about stuff. He hates seeing me upset and hurting me. I told him it was about him lying and stuff. He also joined a club without talking to me, so the first thing i knew about him getting porn is movies arriving in the mail. A friend at work talks to him about this stuff, and the guy wanted hubby to order him some movies too because he doesn't have internet. And he said he is a little compulsive about it. He said he should stay away from it. He hid it in a place that's hard to get. I told him he has to be willing to talk to me. I'm glad he didn't get rid of it totally, because it isn't just about that. Years ago, when he had a lot of porn he was watching it all the time and it caused problems between us. I don't want that to happen again. We had a lot of stress then and problems between us and it just made it worse. I don't want him staying away to just make me happy, because then it's problems with me and i'm keeping him from it.

    One thing that does kinda bother me is that he has a fasination with people of other races. I'm not talking a 3-4 porns of them but 50 of them. He also mainly had these when we had problems before. So it's not something new. I don't know if it's because of his parents. While not really racist, they don't think the races should mingle. Therefore it's taboo. And it's not porn with all mixed in, he searches out this one type. And it's not just all black porn, it's white guys doing black women.

    He says he likes all women body types and colors but it seems he really focuses on big or black or big & black. When we had trouble a few months ago, and he was verbally abusive on thing he bitched at me about is that my skin is too pale or it freckles. I have red hair, skin color isn't something i can change.

    He seems to be more "affectionate" since starting taking the meds. And since starting the new zoloft he isn't abusive like he was on the other stuff. Meaning, he does sit beside me more, put my legs on his, things like that. He's always been a little selfish about things and not always considerate. As i said, he put the porn up. I think i'll wait a week and let him get over the upset and try to talk to him. Before he'd always have panic attacks and wouldn't want to go out to dance, parties, pretty much he wanted to be home all the time. I made him a deal that when i finally fit into a certain pair of jeans, he would take me dancing. I told him i didn't care if it was just shuffling his feet. I waited 2 months after i got into them, then said lets go out, and he drank a little, ended up chain smoking the whole time we were there, and puked 2 times. I say he drank a little because yes he was drinking but it shouldn't have been enough to make him puke like that. He had 2 beers or so. Today, after we went out to lunch, he said that saturday if he didn't have to go to work we'd go out. And it was a surprise. I know he's doing it to make up to me. I appreciate it, i wish he did it more just because rather than to get me not to be "mad at him". I keep telling him i love him and that we'll work thru this. And anything else. He thinks me being upset is being mad at him, i told him i wasn't.. I was hurt that he lied to me about stuff, hide the porn, and stuff. I think being hurt upset him more than me being mad. Another thing, while we were dancing last week, there were a bunch of others out (not with us) but the place was full. At another table the people had been there, drinking a lot. A couple girls started kissing, making out and stuff. I asked if he liked it. He said it didn't do anythign for him. It was like woah i can't believe they are doing that, but not "Oh, i'm aroused". Which makes me think the porn is a "safe" thing and the real thing isn't as fun or however to explain it. He has a hard time answering stuff like that because he thinks he needs to protect me.
     
    #6 CatlinAnn, Oct 6, 2005
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2005
  7. Jay the 1

    Jay the 1 New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2005
    Messages:
    99
    Likes Received:
    0
    If they dont have a on\off button where can i buy one? :D
     
  8. Thorn

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    4,151
    Likes Received:
    3
    That would be great if someone invented that on off gadget! :brow Until then we will just have to turn them on in the old fashioned manor - slowly and by whatever technique we have to use to get them into bed. They actually do have an "on/off" button. You just have to click it on very slowly sometimes so it won't short out the circuit. :lol
     
  9. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,823
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Dixie Land
    :eek:t

    ....soooooo, anyway...where were we (boys...ever notice? No matter how old they are... just never grow up. Cant live with 'em, can't live without 'em :eyes )

    You know there are some porn movies that actually have a plot!
    Yep! - He can get his jollies, and You can enjoy some romance!

    If you're up to it, I can PM you the link that we use to order movie rentals through the mail. The acting is at least fair, and it doesn't follow the
    "Hey Bimbo, what's your name? ... You're only 18, huh? ... Is this your first time ever doing this?... Show me that ass... blah-blah-blah" repetoire. :zzz

    Maybe if there was some redeeming value in the movie, your hubby wouldn't feel quite as much guilt, and you would really enjoy watching it with him. Just a thought. Let me know if you want the link.
     
    #9 Rose, Oct 7, 2005
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2005
  10. igor

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2006
    Messages:
    4,110
    Likes Received:
    163
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Chicago area
    Hi CatlinAnn

    Well, I like porn because it is a turn-on to see a couple enjoying themselves. The closest thing I have had happen to being near someone having sex was when some friends of ours were "doing it" in the next room and were a little vocal. Both my wife and I got extremely turned on and just had to do it right then!

    There are times when the gal seems especially sexy that I think - yeah, I'd like to do her. Guys are really visually excited creatures, so seeing the sex act is a turn-on.

    Porn can also be instructive - seeing how others do things. The only difference between "porn" videos and those intended to educate sex technique, is the purpose for which they are made.