Pondering: Why do we most hurt the people we allegedly care the most about?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by BassDude, Nov 2, 2008.

  1. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2007
    Messages:
    2,647
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Someone once said "the people you care about the most are the ones you hurt the most". Sure seems true, both on the giving end and the receiving end. Why is that? Is it because we are vunerable to the people we love? Why can't we treat people that we love like we love them all the time, even when they may not deserve it? And why can't we be treated with love by the people who love us even when we might not deserve it?

    Am I just living in a fantasy world where people try to be good to each other all the time, and quickly forgive the few mistakes and bad choices that do show up?

    BD
     
  2. college_girl

    college_girl New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2008
    Messages:
    116
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Female
    We hurt the people we love most to protect ourselves should they try to hurt us first.
     
  3. Rocket Queen

    Rocket Queen New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2008
    Messages:
    513
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    In my study!
    We hurt the ones we love because we hope that they are the ones that can forgive us.
     
  4. FlirtyChick

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2007
    Messages:
    4,111
    Likes Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Southeast US

    Exactly.
     
  5. FlirtyChick

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2007
    Messages:
    4,111
    Likes Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Southeast US
    And another exactly.
     
  6. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2007
    Messages:
    2,647
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Ya think? I gently disagree...I expect to not be hurt by people who say they love me, and I feel very disappointed when I am.

    The one thing that really bothers me about this is that it makes the issuance of hurt sound quite intentional.

    BD
     
  7. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2007
    Messages:
    2,647
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    So, we hope they'll forgive us merely because we love them (assuming they love us in return)? But, aren't your expectations higher for someone where there's mutual love?

    BD
     
  8. college_girl

    college_girl New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2008
    Messages:
    116
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Female
    Maybe some people are more paranoid than you are.
     
  9. johnnyangel694u

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2006
    Messages:
    6,152
    Likes Received:
    2,149
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    I think it is because we take them for granted.
    They are always there and always will be.
    You hope.
     
  10. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2007
    Messages:
    2,647
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Give the man a cigar....

    BD
     
  11. Rocket Queen

    Rocket Queen New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2008
    Messages:
    513
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    In my study!
    I didn't say this is how I live my life... I have always lived by a rule to never hurt the ones I love and I have NEVER said a word to my husband that I later regretted (my mother gave me that advice when I told her I had fallen in love with my husband).... I am a very 'in control' person and I don't allow myself to raise my voice to my husband... I guess it is all about respect... 12 years on and we have never raised our voices to each other...... I just wouldn't stand to be treated like that.

    I do, however, feel that a person takes out their bad moods on the ones they love, because they expect to be forgiven... a prime example - A woman has PMS, she screams at her kids and husband for 5-7 days yet at work she rarely raises her voice, she may be a little bit on edge, but she certainly doesn't scream at her boss and her co-workers...... why does she only allow the PMS to affect her home life......? because if she acted like that at work she would be fired.
     
  12. Dreama

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2006
    Messages:
    3,890
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    I generally think that if this is true, it is so because of miscommunication and how people choose to react to each other. If two people love one another, they would pretty much strive not to hurt their significant other. But, we all have bad days-we often say things we don't mean out of anger, or out of fear. And, I think its a lovers job to be able to recognize those times, to understand what might be behind the action, or to halt their own anger to communicate with their partner about what it might be-choosing to react in a way that's conducive to everyone, rather than reacting with anger. And, in my opinion, its also a lover's job to recognize what sets themselves off, so that they can choose how they react to that negative stimulus, preventing the problem all together-I don't think that a person one loves hurts that person more than anyone else would, its just that it's more real when a person you love does/says something that we perceive as an attack in any way because you really care about what they think. And we have to understand that this person isn't perfect, however we might think they are and hope that our lovers understand this about us. I guess that's just the way I see things.
     
  13. heelfetish

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2006
    Messages:
    7,392
    Likes Received:
    6
    I think it all stems from the comfort and openness that comes with true intimacy. In order to be intimate there is a level of sharing that happens, and sometimes that sharing can be hurtful. We all need a way to vent, and the ones we love and trust the most are the ones we most often vent to. However, that venting needs to be done in such a way that it isn't intentionally hurtful; often we take our mates for granted and dump all our problems on them.

    Intentionally hurting someone is wrong, no matter the motive. Hurting someone because they're going to hurt you is no better, IMO. If you truly love each other, you will try your best NOT to hurt each other, no matter the circumstances.

    Sometimes though, things get said out of anger or frustration, and they're impossible to take back. It's those times that we rely on love and forgiveness. We just have to learn not to take these things for granted.
     
  14. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2007
    Messages:
    2,647
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Wow. Tell us more. Do you guys communicate well when you're not angry? I know couples who don't fight with each other...but they don't talk about anything with each other at all, so that really doesn't work either. Tell us about your relationship and how you manage to accomplish this.

    Right...there are known consequences. A person does it at home because they believe they can get away with it. So, where's the balance point there? Some folks will only contain themselves if there's a consequence...not wanting to hurt their life partner simply isn't enough.

    BD
     
  15. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2007
    Messages:
    2,647
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North Carolina
    So, there's a tough balance here, right? It's really easy for the person doing the forgiving to be taken advantage of. Where do you draw the line?

    Totally agree with what you said though. But it only works if both do it.

    BD
     
  16. Dreama

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2006
    Messages:
    3,890
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    Exactly, both have to do it. The point here is, that if both people aren't willing to do this for the other person, they don't have enough love for that person. When you love someone, you'd do anything in your power to help that relationship to work. If not, it's not that important. Therefore, I probably wouldn't stay with a person that wouldn't put in as much effort as I did, because they obviously don't return my feelings of love. Maybe I'm crazy, but that's how I feel about relationships. I wouldn't waste my time with someone who didn't love me.
     
  17. Rocket Queen

    Rocket Queen New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2008
    Messages:
    513
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    In my study!
    I hope you understand what I wrote, if you have any further questions or specific question about stuff, I'm happy to answer them :D
     
  18. albere

    albere New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2008
    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    North of England
    We hurt the ones we love the most probably because we know exactly how to and our subconcious sometimes takes over. I have said things I regretted as soon as I have said them (nothing too bad) but never really meant them in the way they came out.
     
  19. FlirtyChick

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2007
    Messages:
    4,111
    Likes Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Southeast US
    As usual, a heartfelt answer with real meaning in the real world.....
     
  20. FlirtyChick

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2007
    Messages:
    4,111
    Likes Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Southeast US
    It is also hard for the person who finds it hard to forgive; the one who cannot move on from mistakes.