Polyamory, your thoughts?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Mittimer, May 6, 2010.

  1. Mittimer

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    A little background first.

    For those of you unfamiliar with the practice, Polyamory is Greek for "many loves" You have multiple relationships, not always consisting of sex, but all containing love. This differs completely from Polygamy which refers to multiple marriages. More specifically, a man with multiple wives.

    Hopefully you can see a difference.


    This is just a general question open to all. How do you FEEL about polyamory. Being that I'm active in the BDSM community, I see it often as well as my fiancee and I taking classes on it. It's something we're curious about, but haven't touched base on yet.

    So I just want to know, what your thoughts are on it? Could you see yourself doing it? Do you yourself practice it? Do you think it's wrong, right, are you indifferent?

    Let me virtually pick your brain! :)
     
  2. Dreama

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    Years ago, I would have said that it wasn't anything that I would try. Now, I feel differently. Polyamory is actually something that hubby and I have dabbled in but never really participated in, if that makes sense-we're up for the idea, but it's the doing it that is hard. Not many people around here are into that sort of thing anyway. However, we've done extensive research on it, talked to tons of people who live that way, and think that at least in theory, it is a neat idea.
     
  3. igor

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    They have classes on this ? :eyes What do they actually teach?
     
  4. Hot Wheels

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    Mmmm....I'd say that most of us have others, friends etc., that could easily fall into this category......I do have friends that I have sex with, but many others that you could say I love dearly but don't have sex with....
    It's difficult to know where you draw the line.....:shrug

    Oh'....and ditto for Igor's question...they have classes on this???
     
    #4 Hot Wheels, May 6, 2010
    Last edited: May 6, 2010
  5. Mittimer

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    Yep, they have classes on this. Granted, it depends on if you have a have an active community in your area or if you're able to make it to a 'sex convention' if you will. Ian and Myself recently went to Georgia to a convention called "Frolicon" It's basically 5 nights of sex, classes, and parties. Huge emphasis on the classes. From the time you get there, till the closing morning of day 5, there are NONSTOP classes from about 10am to 12pm.

    The class for polyamory was actually super informative. It was a two person panel, someone who lived it 24/7 and a social worker. They talked of all the aspects of it. Tips on how to handle it, pointers if you're just starting out. Also the whole child thing. If their are children in the mix, it can create a few hurtles.

    I learned SO much and it opened my fiancee's eyes who, in the beginning was against polyamory 100%. Now we're talking to singles and couples who we both have feelings for, or even separately have feelings for.

    We also have a local dungeon that does classes a few times a month on varied topics. One of them was groups from a 'house' (which is an entirely different conversation altogether lol) talking about their roles, and how polyamory fit in and how it worked for them.

    Honestly, it's mind blowing at how different things can be from one person to another.
     
  6. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    I guess this would not be my cup of tea. my wife and I have such an emotional bond there are things we just do not want to share with others. Even when I was single, I could not separate sex from some level of emotional attachment, which is why I stayed a virgin until Bunnie came along.:) It would just exhaust me to have that level of love (even without sex) for anyone other than her.
     
  7. totty_hoops

    totty_hoops Member

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    It works for short periods of time but anything medium to long term doesn't last.

    Imagine you're having a conversation with three people, you switch the focus of your attention from one to the other as they speak, when you're speaking you're talking to both of them, you're addressing a group not an individual.

    When you're having a conversation with just one other person, it's totally different, your attention is on that person the whole time.

    It's the same with multiple partners. Polyamory is a fancy term for it but essentially the main foundation of that type of lifestyle is sex, people want multiple sexual partners and want to have some sort of formal relationship so their partner are always to hand so to speak.

    Another aspect is typically with those type of relationships one of the partners will be dominant, and also typically they'll be financially well off. (Having multiple relationship involves some finanical outgoings).

    I lived with this guy for a couple of months, we had an open relationship to a point, I had a on again off again boyfriend and he had several other relationships with men and women.

    It was good sexually, but there was always some drama happening, if you have several people intersecting in a relationship there's going to be unresolvable problems, and eventually it's always going to go tits up.
     
    #7 totty_hoops, May 8, 2010
    Last edited: May 8, 2010
  8. Mittimer

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    First off, I respect your opinion, but there are quite a few flaws with what you've said here.

    That's far to broad of a statement. I for one, know many couples a/or groups of relationships which have worked out just fine. They include multiple partners who both live in and out of the home and they have children. This has been going on for YEARS. How, pray tell, do you explain that?

    It's what's called "alone time" or even a single date. When you have these types of relationships, it's important to divide your time with them so that you get time with each person in your life. Yes, it can be hard, but it can be done. Of course you're addressing a group! If you're around all of them, you're talking to all of them. If you happen to be in the same room with say..3 or 4 of them and you're talking to 1, I'm pretty sure they can be adults and respect that.

    So Polyamory is just a fancy term to you? Ok, that's fine. But lets make one thing clear, No, it's not always about sex. That may be hard for you to see, but darling, I'd try to open your eyes a tad bit wider and see that.

    Like myself, for example. I have my primary relationship. My fiancee, I fuck him. I have two other relationships with friends I love dearly. Neither of which are sexual, they just both fill needs that he can't himself fill. One of the friends is a woman, the other a man. Nothing will ever change how I feel about them. The man, has a fiancee too, the woman, a boyfriend. Do these people ever get in the way? No. Is there sex involved? No, there isn't.

    The main foundation of the lifestyle is to find people who you care for. People that love you. If you make it about sex, yeah, it's going to be about fucking as many people as you can.

    I'll give you one thing, it does require money. If you're going to go on dates, you better have the money to fund it. Or you could always have date nights in. It always works out. As far as your "one of the partners will be dominant" uh...yeah...about that.....If you only go for dominant men, you're going to have MULTIPLE dominant relationships, and if they each understand that they may be..number two or number five or whatever, which most times they do in a relationship like that, it wont be an issue.

    What you had, the 'open relationship' is completely different. Yeah, of course there's going to be drama going on. It's open so you can go out and have sexual relationships with other people. In a polyamorous group, there's not really room for drama. You're 100 percent HONEST about what you're doing. You make everyone aware that tonight you're going on a date with Jim to dinner and a movie. Tomorrow it'll be Suzanne and you'll be going to the mall, and out to lunch, maybe to the fair, you'll call and let everyone know. It's not just an open relationship where you're free to do whatever with whomever you please. There are rules and regulations to stand by.


    With all due respect, I think you may have a wrong view or be..misinformed on what it really is.
     
  9. totty_hoops

    totty_hoops Member

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    Over the last few decades the social sciences have tried to give names to practices that in the past would simply have been dismissed as deviant.

    Polyarmory is quite the movement these days and to be honest I'm kind of slow to embrace a practice that basically involves you structuring your whole life to accomodate a sexual practice.

    I used to know a lot of people from various scenes I was involved in. Group sex, BDSM whatever. The people that couldn't keep their various sexual practices in a box, keep it seperate from their regular lifes, well generally speaking it never really worked out for them.

    Some peoples whole sex life would consist of going to a sex party, fucking everybody senseless. Sure they'd have various fuck buddies and occassionally they might dress one of them up as a boyfriend or girlfriend... but they weren't really.

    That's what I think of when you talk about Polyarmory, someone trying to pretend they're actually in serious relationships with their various fuck buddies.

    Also if you're in a relationships with multiple people, I think it's far easy for you to find yourself detached, after all your partners have other partners it's easier to walk away than if it's exclusive.

    Also once again, there's tons of stuff on the internet about Polyamory, I'd take it with a grain of salt. People that try to convince everyone else that their lifestyle is brilliant aren't really that secure in it.
     
  10. Mittimer

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    Totty, nobody is trying to convince you that the lifestyle is brilliant, just that sometimes, it's not always about sex.
    I in no way think it's for everyone.
     
  11. totty_hoops

    totty_hoops Member

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    I no way said you did, you never even claimed to be leading the lifestyle. I simply said you seem to be rather taken with a lot of the jargon that proponents of Polyarmory put up on the internet.

    Look I'll give an example, I knew this woman from the swinging scene I used to be part of. Basically the rules were that everybody had to be in a stable relationship, ie you came as a couple and if you changed partner then you had to reapply for membership and usually it would be rejected.

    So the bloke she came with she called her boyfriend, now he had lots of other girlfriends (I was one) a couple of whom he liked to do stuff with other than have sex. She did on a couple of occassions term what she did as a lifestyle choice. She also liked to describe the other men she had sex with (outside the scene) as her boyfriends, but in reality they were all friends of his.

    Basically all this woman wanted to do was ride horses, and because this guy was picking up the bills for her hobby she went along with everything he wanted. To make it easier she tried to describe it as a lifestyle 'choice' which it wasn't.

    So you show me a Polyarmous relationship, and I'll show you one individual in the group, whose got a strong personality (and money) and has tailored the situation to suit himself.
     
  12. Mittimer

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    Nope, not taken by the jargon on the internet, because the net is kinda full of shit most the time, but more so taken by the jargon of the people who actually live it. :D

    To each their own.
     
  13. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    1. I don't think "it should cost" money! If the participants are mutually interested, no body needs to be always persuaded with extravagant dates. Many swap clubs just have nominal fees to cover costs.
    2. A couple would have to have extremely high levels of trust and communication with each other to not feel threatened or compared when their spouse is "polyamoring"!
     
  14. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    I am not opposed to polyamory but I do feel it is something that is a challenge for the couple. It requires communication, ensuring that the practice does not interfere with the relationship, and preventing jealousy from destroying the relationship. As I look back at our relationship I feel a part of the reason why we do the occassion threesome instead of allowing it to develop fully is because of the issue of developing feelings for a third person and not being able to differentiate those feelings.