Please read!! How would you deal with this serious issue.

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Mr_Exotica, Apr 27, 2008.

  1. Mr_Exotica

    Mr_Exotica New Member

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    The truth is I 99.99% of the time date chubby or BBW or whatever you want to call them. But this is the problem. When I get in a relationship with a BBW. She appears perfect and when we start dating, I noticed they'll start to feel comfortable and so will just let everything slide in terms of their weight.

    This is what I have gathered. 1. They feel very comfortable around me and so become very unconscious about their weight. 2. They just let themselves slide.

    So just because I love a woman with a larger frame, that doesn't mean I want her stomach on her knees or have trouble finding her pussy.

    So to wrap things up. I meet a girl, she's chubby, a a little heavier, I love it a lot. But after a while in the relationship, she starts to gain more and from a bbw, now it's starting to look disgusting.

    What do you do?

    Please read this article below as it relates to the problems I'm having.

    http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/24161704/?GT1=43001

    Mr_E
     
  2. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Interesting question. I've dropped about 25-30 lbs over the past year and that took about 4 inches off my waist size, I've grown my hair a little longer (just starting to touch my shoulders in back), I usually wear two earrings in my left ear that I really like (two small hoops, one with a small dragon claw holding a crystal hanging from it...a symbol of fearlessness), I've started getting more exercise and doing a little weightlifting to try to get myself back to the wirey muscle tone I had when I was a bit younger and add just a little bulk, etc. I feel good about myself and my appearance. In most things in my relationship with my wife, I try to set the example of how I think things should be and hope that she will follow. My wife has decided to follow suit...she's joined the gym also, and we're trying to eat healthier, less junky snacks, etc.

    I think it's good to feel like you are attractive...both for yourself and to keep your partner's attention. Sometimes we all get a little lazy or too distracted, but overall I think it's most important for feeling good about yourself...that'll carry over into other parts of your life I believe. Now, I don't think it should all be taken to the point of vanity...who wants someone who's more into themselves than their partner, right? I guess it's a balance point that's probably a little different for each person.

    So, I'm trying to think how this applies to your partner. One would hope that your partner also wants to feel good about herself and be physically attractive to you. I saw something in a book recently that struck me as a particularly good way to put it: keeping yourself in relatively good shape and reasonably physically attractive shows respect for the relationship.

    So what do you do? Hmmm...I dunno. To me, what's on the inside matters most, but what's on the outside will reflect what's on the inside to some degree, I believe. So maybe try encouraging, setting the example, etc? And perhaps pick partners who have reasonably good self-esteem...I would tend to think they are more likely to want to keep themselves attractive?

    Sorry, I don't have any great answers here, but maybe some of the ladies will chime in with the feminine perspective on it.

    BD
     
  3. Dreama

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    For many women, there are emotional issues that come with weight, and there are reasons why a lot of us gain weight. God, the summer before I started college, I gained a bunch, and I've really had to struggle to get rid of some of it, and I'm still not where I want to be. You have to understand that many women feel so much pressure on them to look good, and to be that perfect ideal of what 'beautiful' means to society that it can really make your whole self esteem go down the shitter. When your self esteem is low, you think, "Why spend the time? I'm not worth it anyway". Of course, there are health issues associated with massive weight gain, which on the whole, I would be much more worried about than just the physical aspect. When I first started gaining, I had a large sense of denial, also. I didn't think I could have really gained all of that weight! I didn't look that bad, I told myself. And my Hubby, then fiance, was supportive, but he also was worried about my health, for I had gained about 30 pounds in two months, which is enough for anyone to worry. I felt like the 'support' he was giving me, though good natured, was a way of telling me I wasn't good enough. Now, I know that wasn't true, but then, I felt so bad about myself, feeling this was my self defense mechanism. I guess it was when I started gaining my esteem back, and everyone stopped telling me I should lose weight was when it dawned on me that I wanted to do something about it. Since then, I am much more active, and actually took on different eating styles, which have helped me lose some of my weight. But it isn't an easy task, and if I hadn't had a supportive guy there, loving me no matter what, I don't know if I would be where I am in terms of my weight. I think when I knew for sure that my hubby was happy with me for who I was inside, I allowed myself to progress. The bottom line here is, be supportive. Don't dump them because you think they aren't up to par. Suggest you do active things together- hiking, going to the gym together, swimming. Love the girl your with, and really appreciate her, and I bet in time you'll see some results. And you must be patient, because it might take awhile for that person to really want to live up to their own potential. Emotional issues are difficult to deal with. Leave her with as little of that as possible, and help her to get to where she wants to be by being utterly positive. So, that was a little long winded, but that's my advice.
     
  4. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Great post Dreama...yeah, I think you definitely get better results with sugar than with vinegar, so to speak...
     
  5. cook74

    Gold Member

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    I will read the other posts after I say this...

    Dude...show some love, some compassion for your partner.

    The way you wrote your first post was horrible (to me anyway). Now Ill read the other responses...
     
  6. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    I have know some BBW women myself but they were never my preference. Some of them were very self confident, self assured, and knew exactly what they wanted. Others were quite passive and were in essence doormats. Sometimes the ones who were 'doormats' developed an immediate crush due to the fact you gave some attention which made them feel good and they 'clung' to it. However after the passage of time I found that it became contstricting as things change. From your description I tend to wonder if you are choosing them because you see them as an easy date and someone you could change? In essence you cannot change anyone except yourself. Based on your posting I am left to wonder if you are selecting the wrong type of BBW?
     
  7. ctown75

    ctown75 New Member

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    Hard no matter what

    I have dated some bigger women in my life and at least in my case there were some past family issues related to their body size.Its hard to tell somebody they need to lose weight no matter how you go about doing it.
    I would say go check this out, a few months ago in the Seattle Stranger newspaper this came up so the columnist ask reader to write in on what they would do or did and no matter how they handled it the person got made so go check out the column by Dan Savages and look in his old ones about five months ago.
     
  8. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    I guess I'm not sure why it's okay for a girl to be overweight, but not tooo much overweight. Isn't she the same person inside?

    And like Dreama basically said, instead of throwing them away like trash when they get "too fat" for your liking, why not suggest that you both try to lose weight, then do it together?
     
  9. Barbwire

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    Mr. Exotica, how old are you?
     
  10. Dreama

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    Yeah, I also was thinking the same thing. And, I also thought, "Serious issue? Really?" Because it seems so small compared to most things people in relationships go through. I mean, if my weight was the biggest thing I've had to deal with, I'd be on easy street.

    I also hate when people refer to overweight women as BBW. I know the person might fit the description based on the criteria, but it's like you dehumanize the person, more like your talking about a sexual toy or object rather than a a woman. I just hate that abbreviation. I think it much more appropriate when speaking about a genre of kink, rather than one woman, who is incidentally a person. Maybe I'm just weird, but that's what I think.
     
  11. Mr_Exotica

    Mr_Exotica New Member

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    How old I'm is really irrelevant to my question. A lot of people in relationships go through the same thing every day. How old they are or have been married is not the problem.

    The problem in my opinion is. People get very comfortable in relationships overtime and let everything slide. It's not like that first hot date where you tried to impressed your partner by taking great care of yourself.

    Why do people cheat? In my opinion there are women who have extra pounds and are totally gorgeous. I also believe there is a difference between having beautiful sexy curves versus just being really unattractive. I know looks are subjective, what appeared sexy to me could be unattractive to the other person.

    Lets not be hypocrites - We all desire sexy and or physically attractive women that will give us a hard on. Many people like to pretend that physical attributions means nothing. But it's the very same reason that strip bars makes tons of money.

    In my love life, intelligence means everything but we all as humans find certain aspects of our partner attractive and when it starts to fade we want it back.

    My question relates to the article and other experience of how do you deal with such a sensitive subject?

    I find it worth discussing.

    Will I leave my girlfriend or wife because she's too over weight? No! Will I fuck my wife as much as I would love to because she's over weight? No. Sex does not make a relationship last but rather makes the relationship lives.

    Mr_E
     
  12. sarah_rslp

    sarah_rslp New Member

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    I'm fairly sure Cowboy lover asked how old you are because she thinks you might be a child. And the reason she might think that is that your posts display quite a lot of immature attitudes. I actually don't believe your underage, you've just got a certain set of attitudes which helps people mistake you for being a child.

    As well as not being able to articulate your thoughts in any coherent way you're also seemingly unaware that a lot of the terms you've used in your post might cause offence to women.

    You know what mate, a bit of introspection is always a benefit. Have a look at yourself your relationship feelings and thoughts. Maybe then your 'serious issue' might make a bit more sense to you.
     
  13. Dreama

    Gold Member

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    Sarah is right on here. And if you don't want our thoughts, don't ask for them. Take what you want, leave the rest. It's unreasonable to be offended because someone is making a comment based on something you posted. Not everyone has to agree wholeheartedly with your approach to your 'problem'.
     
  14. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    I answered your question. Your question was:

    "So to wrap things up. I meet a girl, she's chubby, a a little heavier, I love it a lot. But after a while in the relationship, she starts to gain more and from a bbw, now it's starting to look disgusting.

    What do you do?


    I said:

    why not suggest that you both try to lose weight, then do it together?

    And is this a personal problem of yours, or a general debate? I thought your response came off as trying very hard to be intellectual, and failing miserably.
     
  15. Fliteskates

    Fliteskates Member

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    I went and am going through a similar situation (weight gain by my g/f)...

    This will probably be a long story but here is how I handled it and the results so far:

    Several yrs ago I lost my bro, my best friend and my heart and soul...

    Before that I was extremely fit... I ran... and not just 4-5 miles a day... I ran hills, sprints etc... lifted weights every day, played ice hockey on 3-4 teams at any given time...

    Then when I lost my bro I fell into dark hole that I couldnt rise out of... I literally sat in my basement crying for days while ppl came to see how I was and try to help me.

    Then a month later my house was flooded and I lost all of my hockey equipment... my $5000+ gym machines and equipment was ruined...

    It was too much and I simply gave up and didn't care if I lived or died - I ballooned up to about 220 lbs in 6 or so months.

    Then my g/f - who was just my friend at the time saved me. She slowly brought me out of my despair and after being with her for 2-3 months - she started to encourage me to workout again... so after several times of her saying this I finally did it.

    My body hurt so badly I could barely get out of bed after each run/workout... but I stuck it out and she helped masage my body and would gently kiss me all over each night and whisper encouragement in my ear to keep pushing.

    So within 7-8 months I was ripped up again and slowly returned to my old self.

    Fast forward 2 years... my g/f had someone steal her identidy and pass bad checks... she got arrested and put in jail for a day before the whole mess was sorted out.

    This was a huge shot to her self-esteem... it took her time to finally feel like her self again... then this past October her father had a stroke... sending her into a huge depression.

    I did all I could to support her and was there for her to cry on and tell her things would be ok.

    She stopped working out and gained about 25 lbs from October until this past January.

    By January her dad had really impoved, but she was still eating like shit and she didn't exercise at all... the walk from her parking lot at work was about the most exercise she was getting.

    So I became concerned as my usually healthy g/f started to gain a lot of weight and was constantly sick (she never got sick before).

    She didn't want to have sex anymore and she said it was because she was too fat. I kept telling her how sexy she was and would show her how hard her beautiful body made me... but none of it worked.

    I was beyond frustrated...

    I was told by my mom and a few other women close to me to give her more time and not say anything about getting back to the gym.

    It honestly pissed me off when I thought about it... it was like a double standard... she could say stuff to me about getting back to being healthy... but I wasn't allowed to say anything to her?

    This is bullshit I thought... why is it different for women? I just have to sit back and watch her ruin her health?

    So I kept my mouth shut and kept working out and somedays I would wait to lift so she would come home and see me doing it... hoping it would encourage her.

    When she got sick for the 5-6th time and then the next week she told me she didn't want to lay in bed naked with me because she looked "gross", I knew it was time for us to have a talk...and I took her out to a nice restaurant and voiced my concerns about her health.

    I basically told her that I love her and it was killing me to watch her destroy her health... but that I knew she had to be ready to get better... that when she was ready I would be there to help support her... but she had to take the first step...

    Then every...single...day... after that I held her tight before bed until she fell asleep (even when my arm fell asleep) and when I woke up I did the same thing.

    I told her I loved her even more than I had in the past... I touched her even more than I used to.

    I always did things in the past to make sure she felt loved - but now I decided I had to take things to a new level... so there was absolutely no doubt in her mind how I felt about her - eventhough she had gained weight, I wanted her to know how much I loved touching and holding her, regardless of a few extra lbs.

    About 5 weeks ago she started working out again and running again. She even bought new expensive running shoes so she can run with me when she builds up enough endurance to run a mile.

    She is also eating healthy again...

    She has dropped about 8 lb so far and is really excited and happy about things.

    That's how I handled it and it seems to have worked so far...
     
  16. JuicyB

    JuicyB New Member

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    Every time you have sex, normal intercourse, it's equivalent to running a 50 yard dash! Tell the next time she wants a snack, to have sex with you instead!
     
  17. Dreama

    Gold Member

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    OMG, that rocks, Fliteskates. I had no idea how things had worked out since you started that last thread. I'm so happy to hear things are going great. You are a great guy, and your girlfriend is a lucky girl! Again, I'm so glad your girlfriend is feeling better.
     
  18. ctown75

    ctown75 New Member

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    Like a lot a things on here the truth hurts and this guy is being truthful even if you do not like what he is saying.Like I said earlier I dated a number of big women in the past [long term]and had no problems at all, but many men and women would make fun of them when their backs were turned or just say hurtful things in front of them.Many guys will not date a bigger woman because they are afraid of the looks they get from other guys or they date them as fuck buddies never introducing them to friends and family.The men who have these attitudes are not all young guys,they are not strong emotionally but they are all not young.

    I hope this guy is dating people for the right reasons and gives the women in his life the love and respect they deserve and excepts when they change,but not every not everybody can except changes such as weight gain in their partner so at least he is trying to get some ideas on how to best help her and not just walk off on here.

    I like the word beautiful no matter how its used so if a woman is BBW,that works for me.
     
  19. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Nice work, Flite!
     
  20. vampire raver

    vampire raver New Member

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    This question is actually very complicated. But I will keep my reply short and sweet. Bottom line is that you really can’t change someone. The person themselves has to decide on the right course of action. If the person is comfortable then their mind is set and will not alter until they choose to change it. Our mind is a very powerful device.

    So you can either choose to love the person and support their decision or move on. Because I believe you will have a hard time telling them something that they have not already come to terms with on their own.

    I speak from experience. I gained quite a bit of weight after entering my relationship. I am now beginning to lose it but I had to make the decision to change on my own. Some people are comfortable and some are not. I for the most part have never liked my body I typically loathe myself but that is just how I am. But I stray from my point. I am just trying to say that you can either love them or leave them because you will not change them only they will change themselves.