Please no hate. I know this is really weird. :/ {EXTREMELY LONG!]

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by thewoundedarebleed, Oct 21, 2011.

  1. thewoundedarebleed

    thewoundedarebleed New Member

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    I'm 19 years old. I got into my first relationship when I was 18, with a guy who I fell in love with and who loved me in return. I gave my virginity to him, and he to me, about 6 months into our relationship. We're still together by the way.

    Anyway, this is where the weird part comes in. The thing is, I have some kind of psychological problem or something, because for as long as I remember, I've always been against sex. I've hated the idea of it and (believe it or not) I never wanted to do it because I felt repulsed by it or something. No, I don't hate people for having sex lol, but I did not want to experience that for myself. I have no idea why I've always felt like that.

    I told my bf about this early on in our relationship, which of course upset him. He's not a pig or anything, or a douchebag. But anyway, I told him about that, I told him early on in our relationship that he might as well leave me soon and find someone with a normal point of view, and when he wanted to stay with me, I even told him that I would let him go cheat on me. @_@ I know, I'm seriously screwed up in the head. I love him and I'm attracted to him; it's not about him. It's about the idea of sex. Anyway, after I told him the cheating on me thing, he got pissed off at me. He said that he wasn't like other guys, and that he actually valued sex, that he wanted to experience it with me because I was the the woman he loved and not random girls. He said he wasn't raised to be with different women and that it disgusts him to go around with other girls.

    But anyway, we kinda ignored the issue for a while and he said he'd try to control it and...I found out that he was looking up ways to lower his sex drive so he wouldn't feel a want or need for it. :| And every once in a while whenever anything sexual was brought up at all, he would get sad or mad or something. :| Which of course would taunt me. He didn't exactly pressure me, he would tell me that he would wait until I wanted, until marriage or 10 years from now, just that he'd like to know he would be able to reach that bonding, deep level of trust and intimacy with me. The thing is, he sees it as more than a physical act, he also sees it as some kind of spiritual act too.

    Anyway I thought that, ok I might do this for him, but I'll wait until I'm 20, and let it be as romantic as possible, somewhere special or something, him looking nice, and me looking nice too, roses, idk lol. (I didn't tell my bf about this idea because it was only a maybe in my head--i didn't want him to think i was for sure going to do that, then id feel pressures @_@) But I let myself get pressured and taunted by him or something. I saw that he would get sad about the no sex thing, and I felt bad, because I KNEW I was irrational and everything. So in spite of me having promised myself I would never have sex, and in spite of me having maybe waited or something, I told my boyfriend one day at his house for us to do it. I kind of wanted to get it out of the way and over with as soon as possible otherwise it would haunt me that I was making him sad or something. I told him we had to do it that day or never. X.X I started crying a little after we started, not a sobfest lol, just random crying, and not because of the pain, but because I felt emotionally screwed up or something all of a sudden. So I told him to stop and pushed him away at some point, and he did, but he got mad and got up and kind of left me and ignored me. I was crying and bitching at him, I know that I'm a huge nutcase, but I got so mad that he just left me there crying and got mad. Anyway we made up a little later and talked and bla, and he started crying too at some point about the issue. I felt bad for him again and so I had sex with him. (which again I cried after, though i tried to hide it from him)

    Afterwards we kept practicing safe sex, and at some point, I got numbed out, meaning I didn't cry anymore. I never felt any pleasure down there, strange because even though I disliked the idea of sex I always expected it to feel at least kind of good. But anyway, recently the emotional crap keeps coming back and now it's not just a little crying, but whenever we do anything sexual I start all out crying all of a sudden, and my boyfriend gets worried and takes my face into his hands and asks me whats wrong. I just feel terrible all of a sudden and I can't even hide it anymore. My boyfriend feels guilty and upset and apologizes, and he says he will control himself to make us both happy, but I feel bad about myself, I regret having ever done anything, and I just feel like a whore. And a bad girlfriend. And I know he's a great boyfriend but I feel resentment towards him too in spite of me knowing that I'm the one who's a big crazy mess.

    I just feel crazy and I don't know what to do! What the heck is wrong with me? How can I make myself enjoy sex and stop hating it? What. Do. I. Do. And btw, no one bring up me breaking up with my boyfriend. We're at 10 months, and in spite of all this bullshit, I love him, and he loves me, and we're going to pull through this and get stronger. I feel like I have both a medical and psychological problem.
     
  2. Mittimer

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    Have you seen a psychologist? I really think that's your only option. That and a sex therapist.

    You need help, psychologically to get past whatever it is in you that's making you feel this way about sex.

    I wont suggest breaking up with your boyfriend but please realize, sex is a vital part of any long term relationship and without it, it can die.
     
  3. thewoundedarebleed

    thewoundedarebleed New Member

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    I understand. I will probably seek therapy. However, it's strange to me that a relationship needs sex to survive. I feel like I don;t need it and like we did fine without it, I was actually happier before in a way. But anyway, I guess at least one partner can't bear to be in a relationship without any sex at all, and that's why it's important. I don't think it is, but he does, and therefore it becomes important...if that makes sense

    Anyway, I'll stop the rambling, but thank you for your help. :)
     
    #3 thewoundedarebleed, Oct 21, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2011
  4. Mittimer

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    I understand that you don't personally feel sex is important or even necessary in a relationship. But, a good majority of people do, not counting people in a convent.

    I guess my question is why. Do you have any idea why you feel this way?

    Are you extremely religious? Do you find it dirty? Do you find it strange? Do you have no desire to ever reproduce?

    It would be very...very hard in this day and age to find someone to be with indefinitely who doesn't ever want sex or some form of pleasure. Which brings me to my next question. Have you ever masturbated?
     
  5. thewoundedarebleed

    thewoundedarebleed New Member

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    I have no idea why I feel this way, nor do I remember when it began. I've felt that way for as long as I can remember. And ever since I had sex I feel less...dignified? Or less confident? Not sure how to explain. Anyway, I'm not even religious, nor was I raised to ever hate it. I do find it dirty though, though I know it's a natural act. And I've never been sure about starting a family, and if I ever wanted to, I would adopt considering I feel bad there's so many unloved orphans out there...

    I have masturbated to try to see what I can do to feel something; in turn it could help with the sex issue, but it doesn't work for me. Either way I'd feel slightly negative about it for some reason. Which is why I think I have both a medical and a psychological problem. #_#
     
  6. pbs

    pbs
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    This is most likely in your head and needs to be dealt with, and whatever it is is causing you to miss out on one of life's greatest pleasures. Somewhere in your early life your mind was probably poisoned by an experience or a teaching that you don't now recall, but a professional who deals with these matters can find it and help you to deal with it.

    I have a cousin who was molested as a child, but had no memory of it until she sought counsel at age 45 for reasons not unlike yours. Your problem could be anything, but is likely pyschological.
     
  7. she

    she New Member

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    You definitely need therapy. I went through this. I was sexually molested as a child and had buried it so deep. Once I faced it, things improved. I honestly joined a community for asexuals, it got so bad. Good luck to you.
     
  8. Godiva

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    thewoudedarebleed- We have more in common than you know! I also wanted to die a virgin, but was cursed with a high libido that just wouldn't allow it really...

    My first time, i was possessed, laughing in some kind of psychotic episode. And i didn't plan it, i randomly just seduced him. (mostly i wanted to stop thinking about it).

    Then a few times after that i started to cry from guilt...then i remained very sexually active with him until it started to drop. And i felt rejected so i stopped for a good 6 months, with just 2 slip ups at the start, so nearly 4 months in a row of nothing and once a month for a few months before that.

    Just last night we broke that dry spell...and now i'm feeling terrible again! I had never felt more happy (and sexually frustrated) than i had in those 6 months!

    This is what i feel you have to do. You have to tell him that you made a mistake...that you did it out of love for him, but that's its damaging you inside (your mind, not your body). You need to tell him that your mind is not at peace with it at all, and that you will work on that (see a counsellor/sex therapist!!!) but by going against your personal beliefs it is messing with your mental health, if he loves you he will understand. Then, you need to tell him, "that means no sex for a long time and possibly forever". That's when you negotiate and ask if other sexual favours are enough of if he needs someone else.

    Before i had sex i also told all my bfs to cheat on me (and i am still in that camp, i don't find sex with other people a bad thing....i'm not really monogamous...you could say. Never cheated myself though).

    A big part of sexual pleasure is being mentally turned on. So it is no surprise you didn't get enjoyment out of it. Plus some women don't feel pleasure unless their clitoris is being stimulated.

    So you seem to want to enjoy it, why? If for him, forget it, you need to want to for YOU!
    Have you had any bad sexual experiences in the past?
    Why is sex gross to you?

    Since sex doesn't hurt, you do not have a physical problem, it's only in the mind. You are going against your own morals. I'm struggling with this myself. I don't want to have sex because i don't want to get pregnant, because i was raised religious and i don't know what i believe but some part of me still thinks that sex is wrong. Society makes women feel a lot less about themselves if they are sexually active, than if they were men. When i was a virgin i was proud and i knew i had no STD's and i had no worries!!! No one could call me a slut...or anything bad. I was on top of the world. I had sex, that made me feel on top of the world, but after... i felt shamefull and worried! There's a lot of factors putting guilt towards women for having sex. I can see why you miss being a virgin.
    Why do you think its bad?
    So you had no parental pushiness of "good morals" or "religious?"
    Are you going against someone close to you's wishes? (that's bad grammar, sorry!).


    My boyfriend and i do this dance. I don't want to do it for pregnancy fears and that i feel shame and dirty and guilty etc...but he doesn't want to hurt me or cause me this mental turmoil but he enjoys it, and i enjoy it (more)...so it's a real mental emotional and physical dance there... I caved last night because i felt genuinely sorry for him and he looked so turned on that i really wanted to put him out of his misery. And i'm ok i did that.
    But now i'm worried...I have a nuva ring but i have not used it yet...it's in the fridge...waiting...lol.

    Also you may be asexual. They exist!!!

    I personally think you CAN have long term relationships without sex. It's called most marriages.lol, Seriously though, usually, one partner is very upset about the arrangement! I've had 2 long term relationships going over a year, one without sex. I've had a few others also, that weren't so long term, but sex wasn't the reason it ended. It was probably one of the reasons why it didn't start though. It wasn't right. - You're right. Sex is only important if the members of the party think it is.

    It's not for you but because it concerns him it concerns you. But if you find someone one day who isn't into sex (which will be tricky for you there aren't MANY men but they do exist, most have performance issues they are too embarrassed to fix so make sure it's nothing like that) it could work, or are you just hiding something deep down and one day you will realise and your truthfully asexual partner will now be put in a predicament?!
     
  9. 6stringking

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    im gonna be honest on what i think. You should definately see a therapist and a psychiatrist. But my opinion is something may have happened when you were younger in combination of the school systems preaching that sex is evil (subliminally conditioned you on top of what may be there). Thats a quick approach of my idea.