I'm 19 years old. I got into my first relationship when I was 18, with a guy who I fell in love with and who loved me in return. I gave my virginity to him, and he to me, about 6 months into our relationship. We're still together by the way. Anyway, this is where the weird part comes in. The thing is, I have some kind of psychological problem or something, because for as long as I remember, I've always been against sex. I've hated the idea of it and (believe it or not) I never wanted to do it because I felt repulsed by it or something. No, I don't hate people for having sex lol, but I did not want to experience that for myself. I have no idea why I've always felt like that. I told my bf about this early on in our relationship, which of course upset him. He's not a pig or anything, or a douchebag. But anyway, I told him about that, I told him early on in our relationship that he might as well leave me soon and find someone with a normal point of view, and when he wanted to stay with me, I even told him that I would let him go cheat on me. @_@ I know, I'm seriously screwed up in the head. I love him and I'm attracted to him; it's not about him. It's about the idea of sex. Anyway, after I told him the cheating on me thing, he got pissed off at me. He said that he wasn't like other guys, and that he actually valued sex, that he wanted to experience it with me because I was the the woman he loved and not random girls. He said he wasn't raised to be with different women and that it disgusts him to go around with other girls. But anyway, we kinda ignored the issue for a while and he said he'd try to control it and...I found out that he was looking up ways to lower his sex drive so he wouldn't feel a want or need for it. :| And every once in a while whenever anything sexual was brought up at all, he would get sad or mad or something. :| Which of course would taunt me. He didn't exactly pressure me, he would tell me that he would wait until I wanted, until marriage or 10 years from now, just that he'd like to know he would be able to reach that bonding, deep level of trust and intimacy with me. The thing is, he sees it as more than a physical act, he also sees it as some kind of spiritual act too. Anyway I thought that, ok I might do this for him, but I'll wait until I'm 20, and let it be as romantic as possible, somewhere special or something, him looking nice, and me looking nice too, roses, idk lol. (I didn't tell my bf about this idea because it was only a maybe in my head--i didn't want him to think i was for sure going to do that, then id feel pressures @_@) But I let myself get pressured and taunted by him or something. I saw that he would get sad about the no sex thing, and I felt bad, because I KNEW I was irrational and everything. So in spite of me having promised myself I would never have sex, and in spite of me having maybe waited or something, I told my boyfriend one day at his house for us to do it. I kind of wanted to get it out of the way and over with as soon as possible otherwise it would haunt me that I was making him sad or something. I told him we had to do it that day or never. X.X I started crying a little after we started, not a sobfest lol, just random crying, and not because of the pain, but because I felt emotionally screwed up or something all of a sudden. So I told him to stop and pushed him away at some point, and he did, but he got mad and got up and kind of left me and ignored me. I was crying and bitching at him, I know that I'm a huge nutcase, but I got so mad that he just left me there crying and got mad. Anyway we made up a little later and talked and bla, and he started crying too at some point about the issue. I felt bad for him again and so I had sex with him. (which again I cried after, though i tried to hide it from him) Afterwards we kept practicing safe sex, and at some point, I got numbed out, meaning I didn't cry anymore. I never felt any pleasure down there, strange because even though I disliked the idea of sex I always expected it to feel at least kind of good. But anyway, recently the emotional crap keeps coming back and now it's not just a little crying, but whenever we do anything sexual I start all out crying all of a sudden, and my boyfriend gets worried and takes my face into his hands and asks me whats wrong. I just feel terrible all of a sudden and I can't even hide it anymore. My boyfriend feels guilty and upset and apologizes, and he says he will control himself to make us both happy, but I feel bad about myself, I regret having ever done anything, and I just feel like a whore. And a bad girlfriend. And I know he's a great boyfriend but I feel resentment towards him too in spite of me knowing that I'm the one who's a big crazy mess. I just feel crazy and I don't know what to do! What the heck is wrong with me? How can I make myself enjoy sex and stop hating it? What. Do. I. Do. And btw, no one bring up me breaking up with my boyfriend. We're at 10 months, and in spite of all this bullshit, I love him, and he loves me, and we're going to pull through this and get stronger. I feel like I have both a medical and psychological problem.