Please help

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by dyingtoknow, Nov 4, 2008.

  1. dyingtoknow

    dyingtoknow New Member

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    so i have been with my bf for going on 2 years now. we live together and have a baby. he is almost five years younger than me and he has told me that he is not ready to only have sex with one person for the rest of his life. he said he doesn't want to break up with me, and he really loves and cares for me he just wants to have meaningless sex with other girls. even though this really hurts me i told him that i didn't care if he did as long as he just fucks them and nothing more. i guess i'm just wondering if there are any guys out there that do this and if you can really just bang someone and still really love the person that you're with, or is he just saying this so he can sleep around? also if there are any women out there who have a man that does this please let me know because i am having a hard time dealing with this. he told me that i could sleep around too but i can't do that because i'm just not that type of person i only want to be with him and no one else.:eek:
     
  2. Dreama

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    You don't have to be alright with this you know. And, if you're not alright with this, have you told him? If you told him, did he listen? If he didn't/doesn't listen to you, he obviously doesn't care about your feelings in this matter. This is actually dangerous, if he's not careful. First of all, he could be bringing diseases into your household-he needs to have regular STD tests. On top of all of this, you're not cool with it. Try talking to him about it with him-maybe he'll listen. If not, dump him (never let anyone disrespect you, and undermine your relationship by devaluing it).
     
  3. dyingtoknow

    dyingtoknow New Member

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    yeah he knows that i really am not ok with it, but i told him that he could do it anyways so maybe i'm to blame i don't know. i guess i didn't really expect him to only want to be with only me that's why i didn't want to get in a relationship with someone so much younger than i am to begin with (he just turned 20 and i'm almost 25, he was only 18 when we met). i had been in a 6 six year relationship b/f we were together. the ex told me that he wanted to get married but had to go and sleep around some b/f that could happen (i was the only person he had ever been with). when i explained this to my current bf in the beginning he told me not to worry because he had already got all his fucking around out in high school. now he tells me that he just can't be with only one person, at least sexually. i don't know what to do it's constantly on my mind and i'm starting to feel as if it's consuming my life. :(
     
  4. Dreama

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    If your relationship is causing you more pain than happiness, it might be time to throw in the towel. And, I'm sure you know this now, but NEVER agree to something you are not cool with, ever. My husband and I allow one another to be with others (within limits we've both defined), and it works for us. But, that's only because it worked for both of us, and not just one. When you make a commitment to a person, you agree to hold that person's feelings and opinions in just as high regard as your own-You should have a conversation with him correcting your assent to his proposal, and if that doesn't work for you, it may be time to move on.
     
  5. FlirtyChick

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    Listen to Dreama Hun. If this will hurt you, don't let him do it. Kick his ass to the curb and find someone else to love you AFTER you learn to be on your own and love yourself. I will not go into details, but playing with this will not be good if you are not on board...You do not deserve this. PM me if you want details on how devastating this can be.....
     
  6. albere

    albere New Member

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    I have read your dillema with a little sadness. If he truly loved you then he would never have said that and would never stray. Meaningless sex is never meaningless if you are cheating on someone. I hope this helps.
     
  7. Joe

    Joe
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    I hate to say it, but I agree.:(
     
  8. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    If you've discussed these feelings with him, and he doesn't immediately withdraw his request, then he is a loser with a capital "L"!! Sounds like you have some personal self-image issues to deal with (especially since your last relationship ended under much the same manner).

    That said - undoubtedly you are thinking, "I'm young (24), have a 2-year-old child. If I throw this loser out, who's going to want me?" Honestly? No one.

    --- No one, until YOU (and your precious baby) decide that you are worthy of the respect to which Dreama and Flirty alluded. Having a child will cause a woman to re-think and re-evaluate the course of her life (I've been there, so I know what you're feeling).

    In my personal experience, being a single mom propelled me into developing myself - first, as a person... then, as a Mom... then as a woman. I did it sans a man in my life. Once I established my own respected identity, I went on to meet the man of my life, who loved me the way I always knew a woman should be loved.

    We've been married now for 31 years.
     
  9. FlirtyChick

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    Listen to this woman if you listen to nothing else. She is giving me inspiration right now as well. No man is worth emotional hurt to yourself or your child. I am NOT a fully self-respecting person because of my painful past, but I am pretty, smart, ambitious, and a friggin excellent mother. And no one can take that away. You are young. Do not make mistakes that change the course of your life now and have a devastating effect on future relationships. Establish yourself, do what makes you happy and proud, and more than anything, what helps your child get love and have self-esteem. Oh the tales I could tell!
     
  10. buddy0975

    buddy0975 Member

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    Having been in this situation in the past (as the guy), where I didn't want to be committed and wanted to have meaningless sex, I can at least confirm for you that yes, its possible to have meaningless sex, and that is all, with someone, and still deeply care for someone else.

    With that said, if you're not ok with it, don't allow him to do it. And remember, I'm saying this as a guy who has done that in the past. He'll only respect you as much as you demand. Its the old saying "If you give a mouse a cookie, he'll want a glass of milk..." Its human nature to see how far you can push things sometimes.
     
  11. FlirtyChick

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    Applauding this wisdom! What excellent advice. Where were you when I could have used this advice? ;)
     
  12. eandvk

    eandvk Member

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    Dump the punk and his antics....do you actually want your child to grow up in a household where the father runs around on Mom?? Your child will see this and think thats normal...........not good!
    And if you are concerned about men later when you are ready for a serious loving relationship.....yes , there are some men who wont date single Moms, but then there are guys like myself who do and did....I met a beautiful, well read woman 12 yrs ago with at that time a 5 yr. old son and 1 1/2 yr. old daughter, well, we now have been happily married for over 9 yrs. and over 6 yrs. ago I legally adopted the kids and am proud that they carry on my last name. Just haveta sift thru the shit sometimes before you find gold! And remember, if you wouldnt treat others that way, why let yourself be treated that way.
     
  13. cbrmale

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    I have been in this situation as well, and my experience was the same. I also fell in love with someone I met, and I found out that I loved someone and I loved someone else, and that my love for both was not affected by the presence of the other.

    I would never partake in sex with someone else if I was expressly told not to, and I think it appropriate to end a relationship if there was such a conflict.
     
  14. Wckd_Beauty

    Wckd_Beauty New Member

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    Wonderful words of advice. I agree =/
     
  15. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    :bow And here she is again, with the words of wisdom that come from an unbelievably mature 20 year old. If everyone did this, there'd be no such thing as divorce.

    Dreama...hypothetical question...how would you handle it if one of those limits was unintentionally broken? Merely a hypothetical question...but it does happen.

    BD
     
  16. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    And more words of wisdom. I think it's human nature to be selfish. The only way to not be selfish is to catch yourself being selfish, and stop.

    BD
     
  17. dyingtoknow

    dyingtoknow New Member

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    well thank you everyone for your advice. i found out recently that he has not yet done anything with anyone other than me. we talked about it and i told him that i would be ok with it as long as he only had sex with someone and nothing more. also told him that it could not be with anyone that we know or that i would ever come into contact with. he has agreed to this and said that he doesn't want to do this forever, just can't be with one person right now. he also told me that he's not on a mission to just go out and fuck around but if the opportunity arises he will probably take it. idk i'm going to see how it all goes if he doesn't break any rules i guess i will be able to deal with it, but if i find out that i can't i'm just going to end it. just have to wait and see what the future holds! :eek:
     
  18. loveit247

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    Uh oh! Downward spiral here we come! You are settling girl, I predict resentment, pain, anger at him and yourself and eventual self esteem issues. Good luck!
     
  19. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Sincere question: Do you have low self-esteem?

    It doesn't sound like this is something you are comfortable with. It sounds like you are going along with it because you are afraid you will lose him. Correct me if I'm wrong. I can understand why he wants to do this. You need to know which is more important to him I think...his freedom or your relationship. My wife and I are trying the "open marriage" thing, and we've set ground rules and taken steps to try to insure that we are being fair and considerate to each other. I don't see any evidence of that happening in your case. Stand your ground if you need to...what's good for the goose is good for the gander, and vice versa.

    Relationships have to be fair or they don't work (at least not in the long term). You've said you don't want to screw anyone else (or at least not right now). You need to ask for something in return for the privilege you are giving him. Whatever works for you, and don't be afraid to make it something that will force him to stretch. Tell him that you expect the same privilege back in the future when (not if) you meet someone you want to fuck a few times. Or figure out something else that would be meaningful to you and ask for it. (I'll give you a hint here...it's much easier for women to find a willing partner for sex only than it is for men. On the flipside though, it's much harder for women to find a meaningful relationship than it is for men. Women can find sex-only all day long, and men can find relationships all day long. Keep this in mind as you proceed.)

    BD
     
  20. dyingtoknow

    dyingtoknow New Member

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