Please help..need some advice

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by MrD, Jan 20, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. MrD

    MrD New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Hi everyone,

    I apologize in advance for the mini-novel I'm about to post, but I need some help and am not quite sure where to get started.

    I've been sexually active since I was 16, but did not have intercourse until I was 19 (almost two years ago now - I'll be 21 in February).

    I've since been with 5 partners, and have not had a satisfying sexual encounter with any of them. Making out and foreplay is fine, but when it comes time to take my pants off....either I lose my erection or am unable to get one, or I get hard but then can't seem to orgasm, get self concious, and then my erection deflates and I want to completely remove myself from the sexual encounter. I'm also typically extremely nervous and tense during these situations. My past bad luck has just made the problem worse, because now I feel like the situation is going to be a disappointment before it even starts.

    I've never been able to cum with a partner. (Well, I did one time, but I essentially jacked myself off into her mouth and it took a long time and a lot of effort..it was really pretty embarassing.) This includes intercourse, handjobs, oral, etc. I'm uncircumsized, and when I've received a blowjob or a handjob from someone, I often find it uncomfortable to the point of pain, as my head is quite sensitive. I've tried pulling the foreskin back more often, and it's helped somewhat, but not enough. However, if I ask my partner to be more gentle, I find it not stimulating enough. Similarly, sex itself just feels awkward and I often feel like I can't thrust quickly enough to provide enough stimulation for myself.

    In the past, I dealt with it by giving my girlfriend pleasure instead. (Both before I'd had intercourse before, and now.) I have never, ever received any complaints (and always lots of compliments), so I think it's safe to say I know what I'm doing there. I think overall though this is a bad approach, because it allows me to detach myself from the act and just makes things worse in the long run.

    On the flip side, I recently realized just how much time I was spending watching/masturbating to internet porn and am trying to stop. (It was at least once a day - more often twice a day). I've been masturbating since I was around 14, and on a essentially daily basis for at least 5 years.

    So - my hypothesis is, my constant use of porn + masturbation several times a day, coupled with my detachment from sex due to nerves/past failed experiences, is causing my problems. What do you think, and what should I do about it? Do you think I should see a urologist just to be safe?

    Thanks for all your help.
     
  2. m.e.69

    m.e.69 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2007
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Kentucky
    I think the first thing i want to say is never feel bad about masturbating. It is a natural thing to do. Some people will disagree with me but thats my way of thinking. Second i think what you said {I'm also typically extremely nervous and tense during these situations. My past bad luck has just made the problem worse, because now I feel like the situation is going to be a disappointment before it even starts.} is a huge part of it. Are you happy with your stuff. If not then that could be part of the problem as well. Most women will tell you its not really the size thats matters. i would try to relax and not think about anything just try to enjoy yourself. If you still feel like that then maybe it would be a good idea to see a urologist. I hope this helps you out and always think positive about yourself. It will help a great deal.
     
  3. heelfetish

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2006
    Messages:
    7,392
    Likes Received:
    6
    After a few bad experiences, it sounds like a case of 'performance anxiety' to me. I found the following information that may be a help:

     
  4. cbrmale

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2006
    Messages:
    3,493
    Likes Received:
    291
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canberra
    I may be rare, but I never masturbate when I am in a relationship with regular sex. I think a good starting point would be less porn and masturbation.

    The performance anxiety thing is a problem, fail once and then you wonder if you're going to fail again, and if you wonder if you are going to fail, it is cetainly guaranteed that you will.

    You should have a physical check-up by a general practitioner type of doctor just to be sure that there isn't a medical problem like blood pressure or diabetes, but at your age this is unlikely. It is unlikely you will need to see a urologist unless the GP finds something amiss.

    What you really need is counselling from a qualified psychologist. I have studied psychology, and I know that sex is a big part of what they learn and understand, and a psychologist will be able to help you. This is not a psychiatrist, they deal with mental illness, but this is someone who has the knowledge to bring your sex life to normality better than any one of us posting suggestions can ever hope to achieve.
     
  5. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2004
    Messages:
    3,754
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Northern Indiana
    MrD, Yor are certainly up tite about sex.
    tell your partner that you can fail at getting an erection and you will
    fail, So don't.
    The thing I would recommend is using a lot of oral on Her,
    At for the first orgasm, Once you find out that you don't really
    need to fuck her to make her have an orgasm, Some of the pressure will
    be off of you and hopefully things will get to normal after awhile.
    If not see your Doc and get some Viagara or whatever He has
    He will probally give it to you free. It may and may not help.
    But Do by all means take your pants off hard or not because
    you need to get used to it.

    Good Luck:sf
     
  6. Dreama

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2006
    Messages:
    3,890
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female
    I think seeing a psychologist may be the best thing. You often find your feelings of being awkward and somehow undesireable so painful that you have a self fulfilling prophecy that never ends. Mental health has everything to do with sex, so I would seriously think about seeing a doctor.
     
  7. cbrmale

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2006
    Messages:
    3,493
    Likes Received:
    291
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canberra
    I don't think oral medications like Viagra (there are better, but they work in a similar way) will help in this instance. These oral meds require normal sexual arousal, and with the anxiety in this case the oral meds may not make much difference at all, except for the all-too-common headache. There is one erection-enhancer, penile injections, that work regardless of arousal, but I wouldn't go down that path until a medical check-up and also discussing these sexual issues with a professional.

    In any case, Viagra (Levitra and Cialis) are quite dangerous without a check-up as they are blood-pressure lowering tablets, so a blood pressure test is the minimum, but a fuller set of tests is desirable.
     
  8. singlemale86

    singlemale86 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2007
    Messages:
    58
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    My friend I'm not sure if I can help you, as I am a virgin who is waiting to be married to enjoy natures gifts. But, i'll do my best.

    I'm sympathetic to your situation, not because i know what you're going through, but because it's not a situation anybody wants to be in.

    First off, i'd definately say that the porn/masturbation is a cause of your problem. I'm neither going to condone nor condemn masturbation here. Personally I'm not sure. But I do know that there is nothing gained by making yourself feel guilty over it. Guilt never solves anything. Plus, masturbating daily decreases your sex drive in the sense that if you had sex (or masturbated) yesterday you're going to feel less like having sex (with a partner) today. However, if you waited like maybe 3-5 days without masturbating or having sex...you'd be surprised just how able you are to stay aroused (no matter who your female counterpart may be).

    The problem however, is in your head. The porn seems to have created an ideal for you to be aroused with that your current partners cannot live up to. And its not just a physical ideal. The porn stars are at your command. They'll do anything you want them to. They'll never insult you or make you feel inadequate.

    This, coupled with the other fact that you seriously are too concerned about what your partner is thinking about you, is definatlely an explanation for your problem. But i'm not a professional sex councilor, this is just my interpretation.

    Now I'm not going to throw a bible at you over your lifestyle, the only difference between you and I is that I only plan to have one partner in my entire life (my wife). And my relationship with her will be built on such trust that neither of us will be worrying about impressing the other. There won't be as much tension or worrying about what the other is thinking about us, whether it be our looks or if you can keep and erection or not, etc.

    My best advice to you is to find yourself a woman that you feel completely comfortable with, meaning you know her very well and are not trying to impress her. If you love her, marry her. Then you'll be able to build a sexual relationship together that will last forever and be free of the stress that comes with being with somebody new that you're trying to impress because you don't know her well (but you want to get to know her well).

    I'm not implying that you should marry somebody for sex, nor am i implying that marriage is without sexual problems. I am, however, saying that if you want to lessen your sexual hangups you gotta do things in the right order.

    Get to know somebody first before you have sex with them, don't have sex then hope you impressed them enough to get to know them well.

    Hope this helps (sorry for the mini-novel)
    Cheers Mate!
     
  9. MoparLove

    MoparLove New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2007
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    I was just about to create a new thread until I came across this one. MrD, I have almost exactly about the same problem you have. Let me sort of outline mine also....

    I have a problem "staying focused" during sex. I find that my mind seems to always wander while I'm having sex. I just start to think of things that have nothing to do with sex, such as what I ate that day or something that happened recently. And this causes me not to be into the sex like I should, which causes me to be less horny, and sometimes leads to me going limp during sex. Now don't get me wrong, I love sex and love having it with my girlfriend. It's just the staying focused issue that messes things up.

    Another big issue I have is that I sometimes feel very nervous and tense also. I've been having sex with my girlfriend for almost 3 years now so I don't know why I still feel nervous and tense during sex. Back when my girlfriend and I started getting sexual, it took us a couple of months to actually start having sex because each time we would try, I would be so nervous that I couldn't keep a hard on. She would even give me oral to try to arouse me, but to no avail. But now that we are having sex, I sometimes still feel that same nervousness I felt back then and I don't know why.

    Now, after reading through this thread, performance anxiety seems to explain my exact problem. I was wondering if there are any alternatives to talking to a psychologist or a doctor? I'm really not quite fond of talking to people in person about my sexual issues, hence why I'm asking for advice on this forum, hidden behind a mere username. So I was wondering if there are any drugs or anything that could just "calm down" my anxiety? Marijuana perhaps?

    Any advice or help is greatly appreciated! I really would like to eliminate this problem because sex is really good, but not when your dick and your brain aren't on the same page.
     
  10. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2005
    Messages:
    6,823
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Dixie Land
    :lol - works for me!!! :rofl

    Sexual anxiety is certainly a top reason fo the lack of being able to finish. As far as other ideas, the first thing I would ask is are you taking any other meds, either over-the-counter or Rx's? Anything with a stimulant can make one's mind race, and it can race right past the 'task at hand'.
     
  11. Ricknasty

    Ricknasty New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2007
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Philadelphia
    sounds like you need to loosen up!! try being with an attractive gurl you dont care much about but want to bang. this will help you to loosen up!try to have sex with her and since you dont care much about the gurl you shouldnt have anxiety therefore no shrinkage and it help you to feel more comfortable !!

    lol repeat repeat repeat lol

    You also say you watch alot of porn fantasize in your head the gurls you are going to bang are pornstar or you are a porn star!! therefore boostin your self conscioussness with your fantasies!! therefore no anxiety and shrinkage.
     
    #11 Ricknasty, Jan 21, 2007
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2007
  12. Dreama

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2006
    Messages:
    3,890
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Female

    Wow. I can't say that I think this is good advice.
     
  13. MikeDog

    MikeDog New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2006
    Messages:
    815
    Likes Received:
    7
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    I'd just see a regular doctor first and see what they think about Cialis or Viagra. If they give you a clean bill of health they'll give you an Rx and it should help maintain the erection.
     
  14. MrD

    MrD New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2007
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Hi everyone,

    Thanks for all your replies and advice. I think you're right, it sounds like performance anxiety.

    I'll get a checkup with a GP just to make sure nothing's going on, but the whole "fight or flight" thing makes perfect sense, as that would explain my twitchy jumpiness and racing heart when it comes time to get down to things. I'm also working on breaking my porn habit and cutting back on masturbation as well (because, as you said, if you just had sex yesterday, you typically won't want it today as much).

    Again, thanks everyone for all your help. Mopar, best of luck to you too.
     
  15. MoparLove

    MoparLove New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2007
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Nope, not taking any meds. So any suggestions? Any legal, over-the-counter drugs you know of?
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.