please help, my bfs porn is killing our relationship

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by tammyt, Feb 1, 2010.

  1. tammyt

    tammyt New Member

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    kay, here is the deal, I had a baby just 4months (8lbs 13oz) and he really did a number on me so now I am left with some stretch marks which I know could be ALOT worse from talking with some other women who have had kids and some guys as well and I have the flab left in front and needless to say I have lost ANY self confidence I have whether I am clothed or naked, my bf looks at porn a minimum of once a day and I guess the lack of confidence and him looking at porn so much and when we actually did have sex he never even tried to take my clothes off just the bottoms. He said that I don't turn him off now but I cant help but feel that way since I turn MYSELF off lol so I asked him to PLEASE give up the porn for a while and let me feel like I was good enough for him. he said he would if it was that important to me but then just did it behind my back the FIRST chance he got. I am very upset because he has a female friend with 2 kids and she has talked about how her body isnt the same even 4 years later so i thought he would realize that it is a legitimate insecurity for me to have.

    so i need to know, was I being totally unreasonable and if it is so easy for him to do this behind my back when it was so simple and so important to me, does this mean he will always do this with anything he thinks will bother me even important stuff? and to me it is a simple matter of him not taking my feelings seriously and lying to me.
     
  2. heelfetish

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    I think you're asking questions we can't possibly know the answer to, except for one. No, you are not being unreasonable in your request. If your sexual relationship is suffering, and his porn addiction is hurting you, then it is certainly not unreasonable to ask him to refrain.

    However, he may very well have an actual 'addiction' to the porn. It may not be so hard for him to give it up. Think of a smoker... Most couldn't give up 'cold turkey' simply by request, no matter how important it was to their partner. And most would probably slip up and sneak in a smoke now and then. The only thing you can do is continue to talk to him about this, and how it's affecting you. Concentrate on your feelings of inadequacy, your self-esteem and self-confidence. Hopefully he'll see how his actions are hurting you, and will realize that you are more important than his porn.
     
  3. Dreama

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    I really hope you don't write me off as insensitive-but I don't think his once a day porn watching is that big of a deal. When you have feelings of inadequacy, him not watching porn is not going to make you feel better. You have low confidence right now, so why not work on that? If you don't, you might find that you're not satisfied with just that. Any woman he even looks at is a reason to question his loyalty, and you leave yourself wondering why you're not good enough. The truth is, he loves you or he wouldn't be with you, right? Sure, discuss your problems with him, but this isn't about him doing an endless string of things to try and fix you-you have to fix you for any of his efforts to matter. This is all coming from a married 22 year old that is overweight, with stretch marks and the whole shebang-having low self esteem was the name of the game for me for a long time in our relationship. I mean, I may be way off here, but that's just my opinion.
     
  4. Barbwire

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    First of all, STOP comparing yourself to other women that have had babies. Each woman's body changes during pregnancy, some more than others. Some women get their pre-baby body back right away for some, it takes a lot of work to get back, and for others it never happens.

    You are only 21, with a 4 month old baby and you are not married. It makes perfect sense that you are feeling anxious about things. You are pressuring yourself to be perfect and that is self-destructive. What you need to do is focus on caring for your child and yourself. You worrying about how you look and about your sexual relations with your b/f shouldn't be at the top of your list, IMHO.

    As for your b/f's porn habit...if you asked him to stop, then snooped on him and found out he's still watching it, perhaps the porn itself isn't the issue here. Seems to me you both need to work on trust and communication.


     
  5. tammyt

    tammyt New Member

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    That is exactly what my big issue is with it, is that I don't trust him...and for good reason, he lied to me and talked to his ex behind my back for our ENTIRE relationship... when from the beginning i knew they thought they could be friends and wanted to try it and i was fine with it but he chose to lie to me about it.. and it is just a simple matter of trust... his porn never bothered me (as long as i could watch with him sometimes) but the fact that after the ex deal he made such a big deal about how he understood that he had hurt me and that he would not lie about stuff...i am probably one of the most understanding people ever and i dont care what he does as long as he treats me good...as long as he doesnt lie about it and if when i had asked him if he could give it up for a while and if he would have manned up and been honest ...shoot i would have even been happy if he told me AFTER he had watched and just said like 'hey i said i would quit but it turns out i cant and i dont understand why you feel like that' then it would have changed everything... i dont like him feeling like he is entitled to decide for me what i am going to be bothered by and then what ever it is just being sneaky about it because unless he is sleeping around i dont really give a hoot lol
     
  6. asianbabex3

    asianbabex3 New Member

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    I think you should calmly explain to him that what hurts the most is his lying. Tell him that you won't get mad just because he slips up. You'll be understanding. But also tell him, you would rather have him slip up and tell you the truth than lie to you (he probably lies because he's scared).
     
  7. TheDeadWalkHard

    TheDeadWalkHard New Member

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    I have a question. When he is looking at porn is he masterbating?? If he is but not making love to you then he is "cheating" on you with Porn. I know this because I did the same thing to my wife. This was before we had children. It was when we first got the internet and all the porn that came with it. I was using the porn to get my sexual satisfaction and not my wife. We would still have sex but not nearly as often. I am not going to go into all the details about how this effected our lives as this would take awhile and I don't want to ramble. (Feel free to ask any questions if you want) but know that I did finally stop looking at the porn for the sake of our relationship. It was not easy I failed a few times and I sort of had to hit rock bottom to wake myself up. But I did it and our relationship is as strong as ever. I still like to check out the nude celebs to help rev myself up (men are such visual pigs LOL)and my wife is cool with that. In fact I don't even like watching full hardcore porn anymore. It's not really even a turn on.

    Addiction of habbit - whatever you want to call it - It was not easy to break. Sounds like your husband is having some trouble breaking the habit also. Just try to keep talking to him about it.
     
  8. Logger

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    Many men enjoy looking at porn. Many men have wives or girl friends who are offended by men looking at porn. Many men have received signals from women that men looking at porn, bothers women. So many men look at porn secretly. Keeping porn secret sometimes requires Polite Lying. Polite lying is trying to shield a harmless truth that might hurt the feelings of a woman.

    I personally try to enjoy porn with my wife. I like to have porn on during foreplay and lovemaking with my wife. I haved a 10 Inch DVD player that I put beside the bed, after some foreplay. I sometimes put porn on the TV in the bedroom during foreplay. I enjoy porn, but I am true to my wife. Sometimes my wife says sheis not in the mood for porn or raises some other objection, and I turn it off right away. I enjoy porn, but Idon't need porn.

    Many women have women friends. Many women know that other women find porn objectionable. So many women do not admit to other women, that their man enjoys porn, and that they don't mind. So many women have the idea that it is UNUSUAL for men to enjoy porn, and that there is SOMETHING WRONG ir a husband enjoys porn. So many women are lying to you, that their is something WRONG with porn.

    I think everything is OK, as far as porn goes.

    Many women expect their men to know what they want. This is the Pink and Blue of Eggerich's Love and Respect. I need to prepare short phrases to communicate with my wife. Maybe a phrase for you could be, "It really turns me on when you take off all my clothes." My wife comes to bed wth her clothes on every night. I have found that she seems to enjoy me taking off her pants and panties. I believe that my wife likes to keep her top on. I will take her bra off through her sleeves. She will position her top, sometimes for my access to her boobs. I think my wife should come to be naked.

    You do not mention any of the other shifts in your relationship that are brought on by a new child in the picture. You have not listed out 10 things you have mentioned that you appreciate about your husband. The ratio in a healthy relationship should be 3 or 4 positives to one negative. If you have complaining about Porn, you have not mentioned the other things you LIKE about your husband. Women and Men both have Egos. Men like to hear acknowlegement that they got up and went to work today, or took out the garbage, whatever.



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  9. LovingWife

    LovingWife New Member

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    IMO, I think you should do some snooping to see what kind of porn he's looking at. If you want to please a man, find out what their fetishes are. If there's an obvious theme to his porn of choice, try to fulfill his passions. Not only will it stimulate your sex life, but could curb his urge to partake in the porn. Just a thought :) Good luck, hun.
     
  10. Lucky

    Lucky New Member

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    I think some of the afterbirth hormones are talking for you as well. OK, so your body changed some, but you can work on ridding yourself of the stretch marks and stomach flab. I recommend you put a lot of effort into this so you feel more confident with yourself. As far as the porn and your resentment of his lying, let me tell you, men also go through an after birth hormone thing as well. He may be dealing with issues through the viewing of porn. He may have insecurities just as bad as you. And by snooping, you have fed this.

    I have for years said, don't live with a partner or marry them, if you have any doubts of their being trustworthy, or if you have any insecurities about the other. It is a path to faliure and much heartbreak.

    I hope you get yourself situated and on the right path soon, until then, love that baby!
     
  11. HardRocker

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    Unfortunately the OP hasn't visited us since Feb. 2, the day after she posted this. I hope she got situated too.