Please help me out; my girlfriend wants to sleep with someone else

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by qwerty19, May 7, 2008.

  1. qwerty19

    qwerty19 New Member

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    My girlfriend and I met our first year of college last fall, and we have now been dating for 5 and a half months. Everything about the relationship has been absolutely fantastic, we have the best chemistry ever and have everything in common and love being together, and she is basically the best thing to have ever happened to me; I had no idea I could ever connect with someone as well as I have with her.

    The only problem we have though, is she has never been able to have an orgasm while having sex with me >_<; I know this is probably fairly normal for many women, but the thing is she has never been with anyone else. We are both 19, and she decided to give me her virginity, so I am the only person she has had experience with sexually, and as such we have been having sex very regularly for 3 months now. She always used to think she would be a nymph the way she was (best kisser I have ever had, incredibly fun to make out with, and she really is the best lover I have ever had sexually as well, etc.), but now she says she gets absolutely no pleasure from sex and is even starting to hate it outright. She said she has thought of everything, but the only way she says that she can try to fix this is to be with someone else just once for purely physical reasons, to see if the problem is just her or has more too it. But she says she is still deeply in love with me and wants to be with me for a long time, its just that the physical problems have been really bothering her and she doesn't want them to seep over into the rest of our relationship. And she also says that she needs this simply because she has never been with anyone else, and that this is just to taste what its like because she is so young and etc but still wants to stay with me. She also swears this is the only time this will ever happen because it will answer all of her questions and concerns, and that it would fix our sexual relationship as well. But I am really torn by this; it really really hurts me to think of her with someone else, but she says she needs this to fix our relationship and her worries, and at the very least she did tell me and ask me to let her do this rather than just cheating on me behind my back, which she could have done. Its just I have no idea what to do now :( I still love her and I do understand her reasoning for why she needs this, but should I be giving her another shot and stay with her doing this?

    Some more background on it: The guy she wants to do this with was someone she would occasionally meet for just making out before she met me; they never did more and never dated, and he is leaving the country in July to study abroad and won't be back in this part of the country again. She also swore to me that she would meet him solely for this purpose and she would not stick around when it was done and is severing all communication with him afterwards.

    On myself, I have had 4 sexual partners before this relationship, and I have been complemented on my skill by several of them, so I do know at least somewhat what I am doing. We have also tried many different positions, ideas, roleplay, and etc, but nothing ever worked for her :ugh. (She has repeatedly said though that I am the hottest/most attractive guy she has ever dated, so its not attraction issues).

    Please give me any advice you have on this, because this is the most confused I have ever been :nerv
     
  2. eandvk

    eandvk Member

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    Before she jumps into bed with another guy and risks losing your respect and relationship, there are a few ways she can find her quest for the elusive orgasm....first off , does she masterbate? does she orgasm when doing so? if so..then you need to have her show you how she enjoys being touched and loved...all women are different and enjoy things in different ways,as like men,some enjoy having their balls licked and others could care less....
    read some stuff on the net or even in here on ways of orally pleasuring a woman...
    buy a vibrator and try that on her....

    In my opinion,letting her sleep or basically fuck someone else wont do her or you any good...regardless the outcome!!
     
  3. ~emm~

    ~emm~ New Member

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    can she come while masturbating herself or you giving oral etc? this could help us give advice or have i missed it out of your thread
     
  4. qwerty19

    qwerty19 New Member

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    she masturbates occasionally but it takes her A LOT to reach an orgasm, and she hasn't been able to do it for a while herself even. And we've tried pretty much everything, including techniques I learned on this forum :/
     
  5. qwerty19

    qwerty19 New Member

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    she has never gotten there orally either
     
  6. ~emm~

    ~emm~ New Member

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    hmmm she may be nervous and tense. for example... she started to be nervous when she 1st got with you and found it hard to climax. then before the next sex session she might thought "i didn't come last time am i going to cum this time.. oh no please cum... but i might not". then this added pressure makes her more and more nervous. and now shes expecting the same result as the last time and is thinking very negitivly making her not relaxed.



    does this sound a possibility or is my wine making its way up to my head?
     
  7. Joe

    Joe
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    It's going to be interesting watching the replies to this one.

    If it was me in your shoes I don't know for sure what I'd do. On the one hand I can somewhat understand her reasoning, but on the other hand I can't. She's obviously frustrated that she can't have an orgasm, but going back to an old boyfriend to try sex with him is quite a leap. I would be inclined to believe that she still has feelings for him and wants to have sex with him before he leaves, just to see what kind of connection they have sexually.

    I'd probably NOT go along with her idea, and just say if that's what she wants then she'll have to consider your relationship ended. If you BOTH want to resume the relationship later, that's always a possibility. The fact that she's discussing it with you is a big plus in her favor, but still I can't quite get a handle on this "she is still deeply in love with me and wants to be with me for a long time" but wants to have sex with an ex.


    I'm a little surprised that you're not asking for advice on how to give your gf an orgasm, as it sounds like that's at the root of your problem. It may have something to do with you and your methods, and it might not. Whatever her problem, it's not uncommon at all for women to have problems reaching an orgasm.

    I watched a "documentary" last night that referred to a study in which 43% of women polled said they had either never had an orgasm or had experienced the problem at some point in their lives. Most of those interviewed said they had never had a vaginal orgasm but had faked it a few times. Most require clitoral stimulation to get off, and they can either get that from oral or manual from a partner or from masturbation.

    It seems to me that trying a vibrator while watching a porn flick might be a more reasonable approach than fucking an ex bf. Or you could use the search function on this board to find tips on giving oral sex. You might think you're skilled at giving oral, but at 19 you probably have a lot to learn. I know when I was 19... or even 39, I still had a lot to learn.

    Good luck to you in whatever the two of you decide.
     
  8. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    That, quite possibly, is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read on SF. I am appalled by your girlfriend's behavior. Can I translate for you? "You're boring in bed, and I want to go fuck other people, because come onnnn I'm young and I want to have FUN!"

    Now, this isn't meant as an insult to you, but rather, an insult to her. She cannot have her cake and eat it too. You'd better cut this little free spirit loose before she just has sex with other people and doesn't bother to consult you.
     
  9. dressd2dpress

    dressd2dpress New Member

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    That, my friend, is the wisest piece of advice so far, in my humble opinion. Seriously, tell her how uncomfortable the idea makes you and suggest (and possibly try) some alternatives. If she still insists upon fucking the ex, or refuses to get into trying the new ideas out, then it's a problem with her, not you. Meaning, SHE'S BORED WITH YOU AND JUST WANTS TO FUCK THE OTHER GUY!

    So, if you arrive at this conclusion, cut the vampire loose before she sucks you dry, in an emotional sense. If she wants to be with someone else that badly, she's gonna give up on you letting her do it and just do it.

    If it does turn out that she's doing it for that reason and you DO let her sleep with the ex, it won't be long before she's asking to do it again. She'll see you bending to her whims as a weakness, and be of the mind that if she convinced you to let her do it before she can do it again.

    BUT! even if she isn't doing this for selfish and whore like reasons, I still don't think that her sleeping with another guy will help. If she doesn't get off with him, the frustration will still be there in yall's relationship. If she does get off with him, the frustration between the two of you will consume the relationship and spit it out the other end.
     
  10. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Ideally, two people who care for (love) each other, will work on problems such as this sans the "help" of an old flame.

    She may be sincere in her thinking, but it wreaks of 'self-medication'. She truly is not thinking clearly (.... or maybe she IS... - but that's another subject...)! Making love to your lover should not be so intent on bringing the Big O that you both lose sight of the deeply intimate act in which you are engaging. Since this is a serious relationship, your focus should be more on the inter-twining of two bodies into one flesh... the love... the passion... the vulnerable-ness in which you both give yourselves to each other.

    Getting lost in the rapturous nature of sex will build toward your much-anticipated explosion of physical, mental and emotional release (aka - orgasm). This is the mature way to look at your problem. If it's just about sex and having an orgasm, then perhaps her idea will work just fine.

    I guess I'm saying that you need to define your relationship, and what you find important in order to sustain that relationship. Giving a 'get-out-of-jail-free' card is probably the easy way out. Serious relationships take alot of hard work and intestinal fortitude.

    jmho :)
     
  11. Dreama

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    I really don't think this is a good idea. You don't seem like you're emotionally ready for something like that, and probably might never be. I really think the issues are probably more psychological for her than anything.
     
  12. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Man...this is a tough question, especially since I don't either of you personally. I think I agree with Dreama here...you sound young, and I'm not sure you're emotionally ready for something like this. Maybe 10 or 20 years from now, but it doesn't sound like you're capable of absorbing something like this.

    But then, she did ask...that at least indicates that she's trying to be honest and open about it. I'd say that took a lot of guts on her part. I've always told my wife that if there was someone she was uncontrollably about to have an affair with to just tell me and we'd work something out that's fair to both of us, versus doing it behind my back.

    So...I dunno, maybe ask her how she'd feel if you wanted to do the same thing sometime in the future. See if you can validate that her motivations are what she says. She has only had you as a lover, so I can kind of understand her wondering about what it might be like with someone else.

    Now, if you tell her "no", she may decide to go do it anyway and hide it from you. Or not. If you tell her "yes", she might change her mind and not do it. Or not. I don't know...you guys should talk a lot about it. The best thing for you that could happen is that you tell her "yes" and she decides to not go through with it. The worst thing that can happen is that you tell her "no", she screws him anyway, and then dumps you. (And if that's the kind of person she is, then would you want her anyway? Probably not.)

    Here's a reality...if she isn't enjoying sex with you, then you will eventually stop getting it from her...either because she doesn't have any interest, or because she's having it with someone else.

    Here's another reality...if you say "yes", she bonks the other guy, enjoys it, and still comes back to you, then you'll definitely know that she really wants to be with you.

    I really don't have much of a feel for what the "right" answer is in thise case...I hope my ponderings above might be a little help.

    Post more details for us...
    BD
     
  13. qwerty19

    qwerty19 New Member

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    Basically she is saying that she just needs this for her, this one selfish thing to be fully able to commit to a relationship when she's so young, and at least is saying that either way, whether she comes or not with this guy, she wants to commit to me fully, and this is to be able to do so.

    And she did say if I ever needed to do the same thing and sleep with someone else she'd be ok with it because she loves me and "knows I'd still want to be with her after".

    She also said though that she consulted a lot of her friends and older friends, who told her that this is "a perfectly reasonable request" because "she is too young to be sacrificing pleasure for a relationship" which is possibly what is feeding this in her >_<;
     
  14. qwerty19

    qwerty19 New Member

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    I do completely agree with this though, which is what makes this all so hard ><; because when it comes right down to it I still care about her ><;
     
  15. cbrmale

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    I can understand where she is coming from, and if I had one partner potentially for life, I would certainly be curious. For me, it would be a lifetime curiosity. But I don't think having sex with another person is going to solve her orgasm dysfunction. I would recommend she, or perhaps both of you, see a psychologist to help you with this aspect of your relationship. A good psychologist may help unblock her emotionally, and help you two to connect together better sexually. Certainly this has a greater chance of success than sex with another man, and there will be less emotional strain.

    I do not advocate counselling to solve all relationship issues, because I know that it doesn't and I know that some relationships were never meant to happen. But in this instance there seems to be one specific problem that needs resolution, and I believe that a couple of sessions of good counselling will probably help you two out.
     
  16. downloadking

    downloadking Member

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    Can this girl. she still is young and has growing up to do.( Imo )
     
  17. loveit247

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    She sounds like the most self-indulgent, little princess syndrome girl in the world. If she loved you, truly truly loved you, she would know that this is hurting you and would not do it.
    I would dump her. Tell her that because she wants to do this you no longer want to be with her. Tell her how important loyalty is to you. If she changes her tune she has realised that she loves you, if she says fine, you know she didn't love you anyway.
     
  18. heelfetish

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    I could not agree more.
     
  19. qwerty19

    qwerty19 New Member

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    Talking to her more she's basically saying that the problem for her is so big/bothersome (saying its gotten to the point that sex with me now makes her squimish in a bad way and is just uncomfortable...), that she would have just dumped me over it, but that she's so completely in love with me that she really wants to make this work, but that she still needs this in order to find out what is going on with her. She also is saying that if this guy is able to please her then that she'd then be able to tell me what it is I need to do, and that if she can achieve an orgasm once with this guy, that it would probably be easier for her to have an orgasm again with me :/ And she has promised to see and talk to a doctor about this first now.
     
  20. heelfetish

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    I'm sorry, but that is probably one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read. It is obvious that she doesn't care one tiny bit about how this affects you. Ignoring all the more plausible reasons why she would do this, I think at the very least you owe it to yourself to leave her and leave her now before she makes you truly miserable.

    It is quite obvious to me that she doesn't love you the way that you love her. And she probably never will. I can guarantee that her sleeping with another guy is NOT going to fix anything (except her desire to sleep with her ex) and you'll just end up broken up anyway.

    Sorry to say, but she sounds like a 1st class loser to me. Dump her now and find someone deserving of your love.