Picking up the pieces. Or should I?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Jayce, Jan 4, 2007.

  1. Jayce

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    My ex of 5 years, from what I've heard, is getting into some shit she probably shouldn't be. She's a beautiful person and on the right track to an amazing career, but she's dabbling in things she shouldn't. I won't name anything in particular, it's not like she's selling her body on the corner, but she's messing around in some "things" that could eeeeasily get her kicked out of college on the spot.

    I feel bad. In fact, I feel downright terrible. When I look at pictures of her and I from the past, I see a time I was with a great person. Now? She's not the same, at all. She's lost touch with reality. Her brother isn't even fond of hanging out with her anymore (he's a great friend of mine, hence how I know this).

    Like I said, I feel terrible. I know I have zero obligation to her. But she's flirting with disaster. I don't want to get back with her or anything like that, but like any other human being, I DO care about her well being. Even if I really decided on saying something to her, I know for a fact she'd get pissed off and ignore me. But why do I feel guilty? I feel like I'm sitting back when I could stand up and make a change... even though I'm nearly positive a change for her isn't in the near future... at least, not while she thinks this shit is "cool". :eyes
     
  2. cbrmale

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    I've never had an ex that lasted five years, and my short-term exes didn't get themselves into trouble as far as I am aware. Of course you feel guilty about not doing anything, that's only natural.

    Even though you don't have an obligation, and even though you are doubtful, you should still say something. If you try, and she listens now, all well and good. Even if she doesn't listen now, she may listen later. In any case it is the decent thing to do and it may help her.

    Plan out what you want to say, and then get in touch and do it. See if you can drag out some evidence to support your advice, perhaps other people who have done the same thing and the trouble it caused them. I know I am a logical person and sometimes logic doesn't work, but with intelligent people sometimes it does.

    But if she doesn't listen and doesn't change, you'll have to move on.
     
  3. Jayce

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    The more I think about it, the more I think it was just a one time deal. You see, she likes to brag and over exaggerates a LOT. The kind of thing where, if she tried one cigarette and coughed on it, that means she's been smoking for the last year.

    Even talking with her brother more after I posted this, I just get the feeling it was more of a one time thing. Before her and I split she was telling me about her newfound views on things, about how you need to try everything once. Who knows. If I keep hearing more and more that she's digging herself into a hole and getting more involved with this shit, then I'll do what I need to. If I find out she's flirtin with shit that can kill her, I'll fuckin kidnap her and set her ass straight. But for now, I think she just experimented with a light amount of *cough* and because of that she felt the need to brag and over exaggerate about it. Who knows.

    Fricken women. You guys can really drive a guy crazy. Some in good ways :brow and some in bad :yell :yell :yell :yell :yell .
     
  4. Dreama

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    Well, I don't think smoking is that big of an issue. But, I have a feeling we're not just talking about strictly cigarettes.
     
  5. Bluesy

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    It's obvious that you're a caring kind of guy, and I think it's understandable that you would feel a bit protective of her. What I've learned is that when people "self-medicate", it's generally because they've got some mood stuff going on that is bothersome in the least, debilitating at most, and they've simply chosen to deal with it using counterproductive, and sometimes illegal, means. Maybe a person is depressed, maybe they struggle with anxiety, life stress is getting to them, etc. I had a friend who was addicted to pain killers. If she didn't abuse them regularly, she would've been flat-out dysfunctional; she would've had a nervous breakdown. The pain killers were literally killing her psychological pain (while she was high). If I'd told her that she needed to cut it out and get her life together, she would've told me where to go. Instead, I listened. We talked about the things that were bothering her and I gently tried to persuade her to get into counseling, and/or think about talking to her doctor about a suitable psychotropic medication. She did eventually give counseling a shot (didn't last, but at least the effort was made), and she did get on an antidepressant, consequently giving up the pain killers.

    What you have to keep in mind is that you can't harp. Nagging doesn't work. People acknowledge their problems when they're ready, and sometimes they never do. Sometimes you have to cut people loose from your life before their problems threaten your sanity as well. I had an alcoholic ex-boyfriend: he tried sobriety, didn't like it, I left. You have to put your needs first, even when it comes to friendship.

    And, hopefully, she is just overexaggerating. *gives you an empathetic hug*
     
  6. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    I would get in touch with her, telling her simply that if she ever needs a friend...someone to simply talk to... someone who won't stand in judgement... then you are willing to be that friend. From your past with her, she knows that you genuinely care about her. Leave that door open, and give her the choice to use it or not.

    However, you have to make sure you are able to stay emotionally detached. That's the only way you can fulfill your promise of being a 'friend' and 'non-judgemental'.
     
  7. Jayce

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    Rose, I don't know. There's a few things here. I'm sure she only told her brother, so if I found out she'd be pissed at him for telling me. But like I said, I think she was just living up to her "try everything once" attitude that she developed shortly before we split.

    All of my buddies are saying to stay out of it for now, but if I hear word it continues then I'll most definitely say something.

    If she's doing shit that won't harm her, but can get her kicked out of school, I want nothing to do with it. If you're that stupid to fuck up in that sense, that's your own problem.

    If she's doing shit that can potentially kill her, like I said, I'll seriously hog tie her and trap her in my room until I set her ass straight.

    But from what I heard, she's just... trying new things out I guess. Not something you'd want to hear about, but I can't really stand in front of her and be like, NO! THIS IS BAD! I mean, shit, that's why we drifted apart anyway. She was getting into drinking, I didn't like it, she said well you're not my fuckin dad so don't even bother saying anything. I started to lose trust in her, she lost interest in me, and we split.

    But like I said, I'm keeping my ears open. I told her brother if he hears anything else that he should call me asap, cause I don't care if it'll get ME arrested, I'd do whatever it took to get her out of a bad situation. But that's true for anyone of my friends. That's not something to dick around with. The thing is, I know IF she IS doing anything else, I know he'll find out. So it's just a waiting game.

    The one sense of comfort I have is, I know whatever new things she tries, she will try an incredibly small portion of it. My buddy laughed when I told him how much *cough* she took. He's like, I'd be surprised if she even felt anything PERIOD. (he's had his run-ins with certain... things...)

    But oh well. Just have to be alert and keep my ears open. I don't think she'd jeopardize her college career, she's not that idiotic, but as mentioned before she does believe in the "try everything once" attitude. :eyes