So I know this is one of those landmine issues..but what is the best way to approach an SO, when it has become obvious that her lifestyle choices are contributing to her current health conditions, which in turn is causing our sex life to fizzle? Keep in mind I tried constantly since we've been together, to push her to make better lifestyle and health conditions. I tried walking with her, eating better, refraining from drinking, all things that I don't necessarily need to do, but it's hard to encourage someone to work up a sweat, when putting on shoes and a bra are considered too much. What's worse it almost seems like she's utilizing circumstances to justify her ill health. Like now we have a 9month old baby, and I feel like that's just an excuse for 3 more months to not take care of herself, until the next thing comes along(prior to the pregnancy it was a mild prescription pill addiction). It's gotten to the point where I don't initiate sex at all anymore because I do all the work, and it's not really fulfilling to have sex with someone who is tired after about 10mins..beyond the sex I feel like if now at 31 she has trouble picking up our infant son, that I am essentially physically going to be a single father by the time he's 5.. And before anyone asks, yes weight is a concern but to be honest if she were fit, I wouldn't care what a scale says.
I don't know if anything will change her. I would do anything for my son, the thought of not being there because of weight caused disease would scare me. I think you need to play that card. I want you to be there for Junior, he's getting more active. We need to be able to keep up with him. If she doesn't feel comfortable going to a gym, look on Craig's list for used exercise equipment; free weights. As a mom, working mom, it is very tiring. I don't want to come home after working all day and taking care of a child and do any exercise. Not judging/no idea what goes on at your house, but it would help if you could take on some of her responsibility - maybe make dinner 2x a week. That gives her 2 nights to do something - yoga tape, walk around the neighborhood. Maybe join a meet-up group for new parents/stroller club.
Trust me ive tried the kid card, with her daughter and our son...I've led the proverbial horse to water too many times to count. I've taken over household chores entirely before, no difference. Since the baby was born I am the only income, so I can't do everything anymore, but I try on the weekends. I do all the shopping and errand running. Currently, all of the laundry, taking kid to school, help with homework, etc..Given I work 12 hr shifts this means im getting maybe 5hrs of sleep per day, and to do anymore to accommodate her at this point means I lose time at work(money), or sleep(sanity), neither of which can we afford. Honestly at this time exercise isn't my main priority, because her eating habits aren't that bad. It's that her air intake is always polluted by cigarettes, and her water intake is via Pepsi only. She will not stop either, or even mitigate, as ive suggested. And slowly but surely I watch her break down before my eyes. I'm at a loss by this point, so I simply try to stave off budding resentments.
I understand completely and while it may be a hot button issue, it shouldn't be, so I have your back if things get rough here. I'm in the exact same boat and if time allowed, I'd type more but for now I'd say, there's nothing you can do because it's not about you. It's about her and her desire. How do I cope...well...now you know why I'm here. I keep my body together so I can do more than I did at 20, if she doesn't care enough about our relationship to do the same, I can't let it frustrate me so much. I met a lady recently who was quite petite, in her 60's and looked hot. However, she had a bad hip and knees and I thought, "If I were 60+now, that woman wouldn't be able to hang with me...". Now of course, I'm talking in the context of problems that CAN be controlled, because we all get older. So sadly, my lady is getting that way now and is much younger. Hang in there and take care of you, because that's all you can control IMO.
Im gonna go with sweetly on this,,, sounds like the health issues are the symptom , not the problem. And as powerhouse said, there's not much you can do. It's about her, not you. Are there other issues in your relationship that need attention ? Is it possible that the fact that you do so much of the "work" in your relationship( shopping ,cleaning, errands) that maybe she has a low feeling of self worth?
I don't think him doing the work gives her lye self worth. She's not working - if she wanted to, she could help more UNLESS he tells her she does it wrong and insults her (which from his concern, I don't see)
I'm not sure how long they've been together, but him being " the adult" and taking care of all the responsibilities in their relationship, could lead her to play the "child" role. Which could lead to her feeling low self worth. She could have a submissive personality and in a rebellious, passive aggressive state of mind she may be saying " if you're gonna do everything , then I'm gonna do nothing... "
Based on your statement about not caring about the scale (none of us should actually), it sounds like you want her to at least try. But I pulled the quote above to ask the question, do you think it's obvious to you or to her, that her lifestyle choices are contributing to her health? If you live a so-called healthy lifestyle, it may be obvious to you as if you're like me, you operate on a "if I eat/do this, that happens...". But of course most people do not think that way. Look at people who smoke and use oxygen, all the time thinking, "Well, it could be worse or I'm doing what I want...". So this could be an area where you are the health-guru and she just feels that it's "your thing" and not hers, so it's really no big deal.
Yes, true.. I live w a smoker. And no matter what I may say or do, or what health issues may be blatantly obvious to a non smoker, she will rationalize it out. Unfortunately smokers are much like drug addicts. Deep inside they know they have a problem, but they lack the strength to quit, so they rationalize that "it's what they want to do" or " I do it because I like it"... And I'm not saying smokers are " weak" , I'm saying quitting nicotine takes a strength that few people possess. Phillip Morris has made billions off of this fact .
You said that you've been trying since the beginning to get her to make better lifestyle choices. Just keep in mind, for someone to want to change their lifestyle, they need to want it for themselves. I do feel like you may be enabling her by taking care of most of the responsibilities yourself. Discussing what you need her to help with would be a start. By her contributing maybe she would have more self worth and in turn want to work on herself. Does she know how you feel? She needs a reason or a goal to change her eating habits/begin exercising. If she knew it could save your relationship maybe that would be enough motivation to get started. It's a tricky spot for you. She has to want it.
The motivation, that's where I struggle. I've tried so many positive motivational methods with no success. I don't want to tempt fate by trying to incite a little jealously, bit what if that's what it takes. Ive always had a bit of ugly duckling syndrome, maybe my insecurity in myself allows her to stay complacent?
Motivational methods? The only thing that I have found that has any positive effect at all, is simply lead by example. It's all you can do. Saying anything to someone that doesn't ask for your input, is simply taking the fast track to being called an asshole. But if you do the things that make you feel better as a person... Such as eating right, sleeping right, getting some exercise...eliminating unhealthy habits, and when she sees the positive results in YOU she may want to participate in those behaviors with you. ...., maybe... Hopefully?
Then don't try. It could be the case of the more you push the less likely she is to try! I mbegrudgepeople trying to tell me what I should do! I still think depression could be a factor. Consider looking for outside help!
Causing jealousy will get you nowhere and just create more problems. I agree with @12barblues, be healthy and happy, don't enable her and maybe she'll see that she needs to make the change. You can't motivate her, only encourage her.
