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Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by privatepartner, Oct 5, 2017.
Is the low libido partner required to say yes all the time and do whatever is asked?
No, ideally they should want to, and if not they bear the responsibility for providing a clear and succinct resolution, an earnest attempt at alternative means, or a renegotiation to the terms of the relationship, especially since they expect to retain the positive relationship benefits associated with but not necessarily including sexual activity.
My dick stops working, then it's up to me to up my finger and tongue game, get into toys, or seek alternative means. Agreed?
Why is it that she is "Ideally" want what you want? Perhaps "ideal" you should want, for not want, what she wants.
And as for "renegotiating" we've never negotiate in a relationship.
Ideally, from the perspective of a hetero-monogamous relationship, from the perspective of a man, yes, she should be into sexing her man at least as often as he is into sexing her. Reverse the genders and replace sex with open communication, and perhaps you'll see my point.
As for negotiation, that is essentially what any relationship is; a negotiation of of rules and roles we play in order to perpetuate it. In the case of most men in a hetero monogamous relationship the implied rule of not engaging in physical intimacy with another is reinforced by his SOs role as the only acceptable outlet. Again, cycling back to the topic of communication. Say I have some issue with openly expressing myself with my wife. Do I have the right to expect her to not have other outlets for communication if I am unable to provide them? Or, if i seek to maintain the relationship, wouldn't then the onus be upon me to resolve my communication issue, seek an amicable alternative, or renegotiate what level of outside communication is acceptable to supplement what I am unable or unwilling to provide?
I'm telling you whybother, the issue isnt merely sexlessness or diminishing quality or quantity of physical intimacy. Most low or no libido SOs arent seeking rectify the situation. They're not throwing HJs, and BJs left and right. They're not getting fleshlights and tenga eggs to help supplement what their bodies are unwilling or unable to do. They're shutting down, and putting all or most of the onus on the high libido partner to remain in a holding pattern until they decide its important enough for them to get their shit together, or grow the huevos(or ovaries) to make a decision that might not make them as comfortable as they prefer. People aren't prone to giving up privilege, and the state of contemporary monogamy grants a definite privilege to low or no libido persons to take advantage of the situation.
I think it is official. Sagittarius and I have hijacked another sexless marriage thread. I wonder how many times we have done this.
It provides for interesting reading
"They can not have ownership of your sexuality if they have no intention of enjoying it."
Picked up this gem in the comments section of an article concerning sexless marriages. Thats essentially what it comes down to in a sexless/sex diminishing situation.
If o"ownership" is an issue, I understand why you "negotiate". I don't own anything about my wife
Maybe ownership is the wrong term. Maybe 'kompromat' is better. Intentionally maintaining a situation where compliance isn't necessarily voluntary, but compulsory given the presumed consequences.
Iyanla Vanzant has wonderful series on OWN(Oprah's network), "Fix My Life", that I catch from time to time. Most recently it dealt with male victims of rape( though only victims of male rapists, a predictable stance given the network; possibly another thread unto itself), but she made a distinction there that I think is universal; you must be able to tell the difference between coping and healing. Not that I doubt it comes from a place of benevolence, whybother, I think our periodic clashes on this particular subject stem from one of us being more interested in coping with a situation as painlessly as possible, and the other more focused on healing no matter how painful it might be to face. I think you are more accurate than you realize in stating you don't "own" anything about your wife, and have found a personally amicable way to cope with the "ownership" she's been able to exercise upon you.
Keep in mind the quotation marks are there to denote the figurative nature of what's inside them. Nobody really owns anybody, but when we start making vows we're basically making shareholders out of our spouses.
Perhaps someone can explain the logic behind sex not being deemed necessary to maintain a relationship, but to seek it elsewhere typically means the end of said relationship. Are there other aspects of a relationship that are similarly considered?
You know it' not always the women that have the problem. I was in a marriage for years with little or no sex. For someone with a high sex drive, staying as long as I did was torture.
Unfortunately he was also a narcissistic abusive control freak...but i digress.
I think sometimes it is a physical or mental problem. Sometimes it is a cruel controlling issue. Either way, it is unfair to disregard the serious effect it has on your partner. Emotionally, physically and mentally.
Whether you intend to cause unhappiness, or are indifferent to it...in those situations you need to get help. If not? Don' be surprised when they meet their needs elsewhere!
I know it goes both ways. I have a friend in the exact situation you described. Trying to talk her through it has been awful.
It's been one year since we had sex and that was a disappointment. At the beach and she knew she would have to put out, went down on her till she came and then fucked. She just laid there, like fucking a corpse. I told her after, that was it for me, she didn't have to worry about putting out again. She came with her usual litany of excuses and then that night a dinner she starts asking what I meant by that. I'm like I meant what I said, I would not pursue her sexually again. She tried to act all offended. Oh well.
After considering a girlfriend I became worried about the chance of it being nsa. Then I started considering bi possibly since that may be less likely to intrude into my everyday life. I had a friend in my youth before marriage that was sort of in my rotation till I was 23. He was always nsa, but he's out of the picture. Wondering what anyone may think about my options. I don't like the idea of fooling around and don't want a divorce. I have about 10 good years of sex left at my age. What would you do? Aside from trying to work it out with the wife, I've been trying to do that for the past 5 years.
All nicely stated but if you're getting laid twice a month after 27 years of marriage you're not in a sexless marriage. I've been married over 30 and each year that passes it's a longer span, I'm up to one year now.
Your wife sounds understanding but most just blow it off after menopause, mine has actually said people our age shouldn't be having sex. So from last year at this time we had sex, no one even close to intimate moment since.. you're getting it twice a month, what are even doing here...lol.
You know, if I thought I only had 10 years left of sex in me, I'd go for it... if there was no way to get it home.
I'd tell him I'd be going to look for sex elsewhere, that'd be just sex.
I'm not saying that's what you should do. I'm saying what I'd do.
I only have one life to live. I try to make the most of it. I don't want to be 90, looking back and regretting the mistakes I didn't make.
But that's just me. I've never allowed any man to have that kind of control over my body. It's my body, no one's property, but mine. I share a house and my life with a man, but we're two adults who can think for ourselves and make our own decisions about how to live our lives and sexuality.
In my conversation with him, I'd talk about my feelings, how not having sex makes me feel. I'd tell him I wouldn't let it have an impact on our relationship.
Most therapists use a less than ten times a year definition so I have certainly been there. We work on it. Sometimes without success.
30+ years ago, I married at 17 and my wife was 20, she was a virgin and hot as hell! of course we fucked like rabbits for the first few years then things started tapering off with age. She had a hysterectomy about 10 years ago and she admits, it totally killed her sex drive but she still puts it on me good about 2X a week. We're in our low/ mid 50's now and she's still hot as hell and she knows I have a high sex drive. I think a lot of times, she's not really as in to it as she leads on to be but still performs flawlessly in bed. I know there are reasons for it but I feel really bad for those who are in a sexless marriage. With my sex drive, I'd be fucking everything that walked if my wife wasn't so good in bed
That's very true!!! Thanks for sharing the your thoughts...which I agree with you!
I'm in the same boat.......and it's taking on water!
My wife and I take good care of each other, but we don't have sex anymore. She knows I'm a complete horn dog, so I guess she knows that I got see strippers, erotic masseuses, and call girls every now and then (she even saw one of my texts with one of the girls at one point. She got angry but that was about it). I don't see any other solution. This is the woman I traveled the world with, and we have lived in three different countries together. I don't think either of us feels like leaving, as we get along very well most of the time.
We used to have a neighbor couple who were the complete opposite. They had lots of loud sex, but also lots of loud fighting. A couple of times I could hear screaming, crying, and things being thrown about in there. Not sure if that is a better or worse situation than ours
Nice to have a good friend. Suggest they don' t waste as many years as I did on a hopeless situation. But maybe their partner is more inclined to change. (Not usually)