People in sexless marriages your thoughts

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by privatepartner, Oct 5, 2017.

  1. privatepartner

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    Over the years I have talked with many people men and women that are living married lives in sexless marriages. Obviously looking on Craigslist you see the ads posted all over from both sexes some complete spam but many not, Ashley Madison married women all over looking for sex.

    After reading through the forums on here is surprises me how many have this moral compass in their heads for others to live by.
    I talked with a friend recently that still loves his wife of 34 years but we started talking about sex and I mentioned normally twice and he said I know I only get sex twice a year myself and my jaw hit the table and I told him no I meant twice a week. He said you get laid twice a week and I acknowledge and he immediately went to I am considering an affair or FWB.
    Now let me ask many people would think married people or people in committed relationships should not be on this site or any other sites if their significant other isn't aware that they do it.
    If people are in a relationship and their partner for whatever reason has decided to check out sexually or they have no sense of adventure sexually but still seem to be interested in hanging on to the relationship isn't it at least 50% their responsibility to go to their spouse and say I know I don't fulfill your needs sexually so let's discuss options to deal with this?

    I know it doesn't happen and if it does the percentage is tiny in comparison. I can't tell you how many people I have talked to that are in this situation and for many people on here to go off morally on someone for their infidelity is wrong in my eyes.
    Fine you got married and uttered the words in church or whatever the problem is no pre marital counseling talks about you each have responsibility in keeping each other sexually satisfied. If you don't you can expect your partner man or woman will look elsewhere for satisfaction.
    Ok let me have it because I know it's coming from the morally perfect.
     
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  2. Lkmccr

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    None of my business do whatever you like. It’s not going to affect my life
     
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  3. Lovnflman

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    Wow.....where to start. I'm on my third marriage. The first two only lasted three years each, but we were still having sex up until the end. I've been married 18 years now to whom I thought was my sexual should mate. For the first 10 years or so we had sex constantly. We experimented and had a few MFMs. She even had a one nighter with another woman. Over the past 8 years things really started slowing down on her part. I'd be lying if I bragged that we had sex twice a month, or even twice a year. I love my wife, but we are basically roommates now.

    My drive is as high as ever, even in my 50s.....Her's is non existent. I've had opportunities to cheat but I didn't. Why? I love her and don't want to hurt her, my own guilt, and if she found out she would ruin me financially. So I just take matters into my own hand when I feel the need.

    I saw a quote from a female marriage counselor that I misplaced. Paraphrasing, she said she was always surprised at the outrage women felt when their husbands cheated on them, when those women were the same ones that wouldn't put out, didn't uphold,their end of the marriage contract, but expected their husbands to remain faithful.......in a sexless marriage. It's like you're not getting it from me, but you're not going to get in anywhere else.

    Those that are okay with having an affair, more power to you. For the previously mentioned reasons, I'll probably whither in a sexless marriage.
     
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  4. Hypersexual11

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    When my marriage became sexless, I got it elsewhere. She found out, fixed the problem and now it's found at home again. Some women can accept the fact that it can be their problem that drove their husband to another woman. A woman that no longer wants sex and insists her husband join her, is asking for problems. Some men can slide into a sexless life, but not everyone.
     
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  5. lbushwalker

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    I did not read the wall but will just mention that if a relationship supposedly loving is sexless then don’t waste your life with it!
    It is simple enough no? Well
    It too me almost 30 years to realise that so folks be a bit smarter than me!
     
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  6. Sagittarius84

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    This notion to me is the crux of everything when dealing with a sexless relationship or libidinous inequality. Is the person not wanting sex aware of the depths of quoted sentiment. Are they personally ok with knowing fidelity is only upheld by fear of ruination? What should be the opinion of a person that has accepted their inability or unwillingness to mitigate the situation, and has no desire to do so?
     
  7. whybother

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    Ok so here I go again... ive posted in these threads sooo many times.

    I'm Married for 27 years now. At the beginning of our relationship sex was awesome. There was a time when it was pretty much part of our daily routine. But there was nothing routine about it.

    As we got older, there was a slow steady diminishment. All the usual suspects: time fatigue stress, etc. we also had a rocky patch. Money issues etc. but I meant it when I took a vow for better or worse and we worked through those problems. At the worst, we were down to about 5 or six times a year. Maybe even less.

    Now, my wife is deep in the throes of menopause. We are presently are on a once or twice a month pace.

    The thing about marriage is that it is a two way street. Who is to say that just because I want sex, she has to have it. We compromise. We have learned to work together. Sometimes I ask and she says no. Sometimes I tell her that I really need some attention but she just can't get into the mood so she gives me a handjob. Showering together has been a very nice solution since we have an empty nest.

    I have learned to appreciate her efforts to please. Menopause must be very frustrating. I have seen the discomfort on her face when we have fucked without lube. For a women who used to leave a puddle behind after sex it must be very discouraging to feel that way.

    So with that as background my answer to OP is that It's a little contradictory to complain about other people's moral compasses while you espouse your own morality. Your morality seems says that if a wife wife doesn't put out then a guy is free to fuck around. Sorry if I am mischaracterizing.

    At the risk of sounding like Backcheck, I feel very secure in claiming to be an authority.
    Twenty seven years married. More committed to each other than ever. Two successful sons who attend top universities and are well adjusted people, interesting happy people.

    I think that I have some credibility in this department.

    So my position is that marriage is about a lot more than sex. Life, for that matter, is about a lot more than sex. If your aren't having as much sex as you wanted, I say adjust your expectations. Try to be loving and understanding of your partner. And here's the best part of that. If you do that, you will find that your partner will be more willing to take care of your needs.
     
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  8. Sagittarius84

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    I think that's the "pitch" i get hung up on. I think sex can be substituted for many other vital things to a successful relationship in the quote above, and immediately the tone would change.
    Take me for example, adjusting my expectations for sex in a committed relationship has garnered no positive sexual benefits whatsoever. I simply get less sex, less often, of decreasing intensity, and then the catch is I'm expected to squelch any natural tendencies that arise in the wake of sexual frustration, because few people expect the low libido partner to "adjust their expectations" of communication, non sexual intimacy, and overall positivity exuded within the relationship.
    I try to think of it from the opposite position; at what point or what course of action(or lack thereof) would it become outwardly obvious that I'm taking advantage of the situation by allowing a medical, or psychological block on my genitalia to interfere with the intimacy i can share with other parts of my body? Does being aware of said situation then put the onus on me to act on my proclaimed love, or supplement for the benefit of my partner? Can I be aware of said situation and not be held at fault not choosing to do something about it?
     
  9. sensless

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    I think denying a partner sexual fulfilment is an act of cruelty incompatible with love.

    I can't understand partners who do such a thing. I can understand a person running out of interest in sex, but not imposing a sexless life on someone else!

    Libido is an important part of us. How dare someone tell you that you should forever repress yours? Someone who claims to love you!?! What kind of love is that?

    Love isn't selfish. At least, not love I understand.

    Having said all that, I also strongly think lies are beneath us all.

    If one day you made a partner believe your relationship was monogamous, you own to both of you to make it clear you're changing the rules. That will allow him/her to also look for sex elsewhere. Many people who lost interest in sex with one partner would still have it with others. Perhaps your partner's libido would be boosted by variety.

    Mainly if your partner is a woman. Women don't have the benefit of testosterone. We have very little of it. Our libido is a lot in the mind. Boredom kills it. It's very easy for a woman to find men for sex. Nothing like a new partner to reignite desire. Also, a man who wants to fuck you will know how to make you feel sexy. It's the one taking you for granted that let's you forget it.
     
  10. privatepartner

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    Every relationship is different. I guess at 57 I have come to the conclusion after watching aging parents do nothing but fight and bitch at each other I don't want to get there. I would rather be honest with each other and say let's open things up and have fun as we age.
     
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  11. sensless

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    I'm in an open relationship myself. My man is free to do anything he wants and so am I.
     
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  12. woodster

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    it gets a little lean after 37 yrs but at times it is also intense, like a few days ago on our anniversary. we have not changed what our favorite comfort positions are and seem to go right to them. less can be more depending on what your perspective is.
     
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  13. privatepartner

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    I am 57 been married 34 years this month. I am not done having sex by any stretch of the imagination. The saying I want to die sliding in sideways saying that was a hell of a ride is how I want to go out.
    My wife is 60 and 1:30 in the morning this morning we woke up and had sex. Somewhere around 2 a.m. she was screaming in orgasm I fing love that bottom line.
    Laying around the house like two dead people is not my idea of fun. I was 5 once I don't want to hold hands thinking this is the best ever. Sorry just me. If that is fulfilling to people that's great but it's not for me.
     
  14. woodster

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    someone say something about laying around the house like dead people? myself. i'm livin it up. got all the sex i want and need and get to play all day. found a lot of fun things to do that don't involve getting laid 24/7.
     
  15. whybother

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    I think that there are a lot of "natural"tendencies" that we control on a daily basis. It is natural to get angry at someone who cuts you off in traffic. It is natural to crave the sugar of a frosted donut. But those things aren't always good for us.

    "Sexual fulfillment" is not the only type of fulfillment and isn't the most important. In fact it is only tangential in Maslow hierarchy. Sex does not equal intimacy. Intimacy is more important than sex. Sexual fulfillment is temporary. It is fleeting.

    If two people choose to agree to have other sexual partners that is fine. But don't judge other couples by their sexual frequency alone.
     
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  16. sensless

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    What you call judging, at least from my part, is questioning. I question how can you love a person and demand of her/him to forever give up on something she/he misses so much. I'm talking about *sexless* relationships, as per the title of this thread.

    I exclude couples where the partner being denied sex doesn't miss it, too.

    I'll talk about men being denied sex. If anyone is interested, I can talk about women being denied sex.

    I'm a woman who's suffering with menopause. It's the lack of normal hormonal production that makes me this way. I have hot flushes and sweats that changed my life. Sometimes, I go to work in T shirt in plain winter. At home, sometimes while brusing my teeth I have to stop for the seconds it takes me to take off my clothes and go finish in the garden, naked, under rain and wind. My insomnia has reached depressing levels, because of night sweats. Hormones are very powerful chemicals.

    Well, it is in part a hormone that makes men crave sex. Testosterone. It's incredibly powerful, too.

    So, if I feel in my own body AND mind the power of hormones, how can I ignore what hormones are making my man feel? What makes me that special that only my problems/hormones count?

    I agree with you we control hormonal responses all the time. Like controlling anger. That doesn't mean controlling it is fun. I could certainly control myself and wear clothes during a hot flush. But it's a torture I can't describe! So, I could, but I won't!

    Because I love my man, I want him to feel good. When anything is making him uncomfortable, I try to help. Because I love him. I care about his comfort. There are things we all have to control ourselves about, because we live in society. I still wear a t-shirt, when actually I'd like to go out naked (when having an episode).

    Asking a man to forego sex forever (title of the thread has *sexless* in it), is asking him to forever live with that discomfort only because of her, her jealousy and her insecurities. Therefore my questioning her love.

    Even you, with all respect and love and friendship you have for your wife, tell us you need sometimes to tell her you really need something (intimacy?... ). I imagine you not wanting to put her under pressure. But you get to that point you have to ask. Then, she might give you, at least, a handjob.

    What about men who never get anything? What about men with a lot of testosterone. She's suffering from lack of hormones. He's suffering from having his. Why is her "condition" always more important than his?

    Nowhere I'm saying we need sex *everytime* we desire it! But... never?!?

    Nowhere I'm saying we can't control it. But... always have to?!?

    A man can't do a thing to make a woman's hot flushes and sweating go away. But she can easily set him free to go find sex with a woman who feels like having it. Who also wants it, and who isn't doing it because he's asking, out of obligation. And feel happy he's happy.

    There's the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases and all. But it can be greatly reduced. Don't we drive cars? They're more dangerous than STDs. I'm not minimizing it. I'm trying to put that excuse into perspective.

    So, I question, genuinely. It isn't irony. It isn't sarcasm. It's a real question. Why one partner in the relationship thinks his/her problems are the only ones deserving attention? Why one can love, but not enough to put a partner's well-being above jealousy and insecurity?

    Why we all accept lack of estrogen is more important than testosterone? I think they're equally important. That's the equality men/women I understand. We're different, but none of us is more important.

    I'm not saying a woman who doesn't want sex should do it! But if she doesn't want it, I don't think she should impose on him a life without sex. Sexless. The same goes the other way. If he doesn't want it, OK. But don't impose his choice on her.

    I'm also not saying one should lie. I'm suggesting they both use compassion and love and compromise.
     
    #16 sensless, Oct 7, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2017
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  17. privatepartner

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    You get it completely. Obviously being a man I know now I was fortunate that my wife's menopause went fairly well in comparison to what you seem to be dealing with. I will be honest I guess I wasn't real compassionate about it at the time. When she was half nuts during pregnancy I had told her if you are going to be like this during menopause I don't think we will survive. It's a funny story now because the pregnancy she was nucking futs way worse than her menopause.
    You seem to be very understanding and compassionate I commend you.
     
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  18. Lkmccr

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    It happened in my marriage as well. I started to think about being with guys, out of desperation. I came out to my wife as bi, and we worked out a compromise where I could be with men sometimes. I now have a regular guy I see for sex and am still married. It’s a strange situation, but it works for us
     
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  19. whybother

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    I think there may be a definition issue here. "Sexless marriages" tend to be defined by infrequency of sex as opposed to the total absence of sex.

    I am not good at expressing the concept but I will try. My apologies to anyone out there who practices mindfulness or Buddhism.

    I believe that we have control over these desires and that controlling sexual desire is a good thing. By "control" I mean understanding. I don't let sexual desire control me. That allows me to compromise. Maybe compromise is the wrong word. That allows me to work at being consubstantial with my wife. Being one with her doesn't mean that I yield to her. It means that we are one.

    My sexual desire is an illusion. Orgasm are not my path to happiness. Intimacy is my path to happiness. Intimacy may or may not include penetrative sex.
     
  20. Sagittarius84

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    You dont worry about the ship sinking after it has taken on all the water, you express that concern at the first leak. I think I and many others(especially men) forsee infrequency today as sexlessness tomorrow, a problem to be resolved before we start quoting things like this:
    The need is an illusion, it doesn't dilute the desire, nor does affirming the aforementioned do anything about the physical and emotional symptoms that come with sexual deprivation. If intimacy is the path to happiness, and that path may or may not include sexual activity, then that means the low or no libido partner bears the totality of responsibility for lessening the choices of the other, and should be compelled to act accordingly, especially if the ultimate motivation is love. If you can't take care of your partner, find another way or let someone else do it, just be honest either way, and be loving enough to not allow guilt to keep your partner there.
     
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