Penis jokes

Discussion in 'Games and Jokes' started by lance49726, Sep 28, 2016.

  1. lance49726

    Gold Member

    Jun 13, 2016
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    What does a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common?

    The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

    What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?

    The man.

    Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

    So men can be open minded.

    Why does a man have a hole in the end of his penis?

    To get oxygen to his brain!

    The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class.

    But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.

    Again next day, in larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she rubbed it out and went on with the lesson.

    Well, this went on for a whole week, every day the word penis getting bigger.

    Finally, on Friday she went into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

    A man says to his wife: "Tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

    His wife replies: "You have a bigger willy than your brother!"

    A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

    Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

    This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

    Again, there's a bright flash ... and then his legs fall off!

    A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!

    "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

    And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

    "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

    "Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"

    What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?

    You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

    A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since he bought it when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

    So, he inserted his manhood into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

    Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

    There after he quickly realized that he couldn't seperate himself from the instrument. He read the manual but didn't find a way out. He tried every button on the instrument, but still nothing seem to work

    Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.
    "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

    "Don't worry", replied the customer service "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons!"

    A couple on honeymoon in hotel room undressing. The groom removes his socks and the bride asks: "What's wrong with your feet, your toes look all mangled?"

    Groom: "I had Tolio as a child."
    Bride: "You mean Polio?"
    Groom: "No Tolio, the disease only affected my toes."

    The groom then removes his pants and the bride asks: "What is wrong with your knees, they are lumpy and deformed?"

    Groom: "As a child I had Kneasles."
    Bride: "You mean Measles?"
    Groom: "No Kneasles, a strange illness that only affected my knees."

    The Bride then removes his boxers and the bride asks: "Why are you spotted?"

    Groom: "As a child I had smallpox."
    Bride: "I hope you don't mean SmallCox!"

    A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child ..."

    The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"

    The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."

    The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"

    The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."

    The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis and a brain?"