Peacemaking, Proving Loyalty

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Logger, Feb 4, 2008.

  1. Logger

    Gold Member

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    There ia a young husband who is, so far, willing to listen to my advice, who has gotten his wife upset with him. The young husband admist he has not been demonstrationg reliable loyalty to the marriage. The question, as I see it, is how can ne find ways to make peace and demonstrate loyalty for the future?

    The young man seems more interested in driving a nice car, rather than putting money aside for the kids college. My first idea is to recommend demonstrating a commitment to the futures of the kids.
     
  2. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Agreed on the car....sounds like a good start.

    Having kids is an act that will unquestionably seperate the selfish from the unselfish. People fall into one of three categories in this regard IMHO:

    - Unwilling to make personal sacrifices for their kids' betterment. (Requires no explanation...this person should not be having kids...go ahead and get a vasectomy now.)

    - Willing to make personal sacrifices for their kids' betterment, and willing to do it without a begrudging heart. (This is how I strive to be with my daughter. We set the example for our kids, and we so impact how well they are emotionally equipped as an adult when they are a young age.)

    - Willing to make personal sacrifices for their kids' betterment, but not willing to do it without a begruding heart (ie. constant complaints and reminders that eventually make the kid feel guilty for his/her parent's decisions...this is actually how I grew up...it's better than not being willing to make sacrifices at all...but it can also leave some emotional scars that have to be handled when the kid becomes an adult.)

    Now, none of us fit 100% into any of the 3 categories (no perfect people on this planet), but I think we definitely fit 80-90% into one of them!

    If this fellow isn't unselfish where his kids are concerned, he's probably not unselfish where his wife is concerned either. I'd say tell him to look there too, and see what might be an unselfish act (not a one time thing either...sometime that keeps on giving, just like forgoing the Maserati).

    BD
     
  3. Logger

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    Dear Bass Dude,

    Can the Bass Guitar perform a Solo in Jazz music?

    My younger friend has not called me back, recently. He told my wife that he was interested in a particular Mega-Church. So I went to the Church, and found the Mens Group meeting times, and left the information in a voice message with the young husband, but no response. I contacted the leader of the Men's groups and arranged for new people to attend. Could it be that the young husband was just blowing smoke for my wife?

    There is another Counseling session scheduled for tomorrow, but the guy is still trying to use the same old manipulative techniques that pissed off his wife in the first place. He did not attend the last counseling session. During his last conversation with me, the young man was leaning toward attending another counseling session. More recently, he talked to my wife, and said that counseling just made him too angry, so he thought going to Chruch was a better idea.

    The young man's wife is still Standing, in that she is not dating other guys yet. I think she stopped wearing her wedding ring though, and asked him to move out. I am trying to help him come up with a plan, but his image of Wives serving their Husbands seems to have lost its charm for his wife. Previuosly his wife received a lot of deriding comments from him, rather than esteem-building communication. The guy does not seem to know how to build up savings in the Love Bank, but he sure knows how to make withdrawals.


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  4. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Absolutely...it can be used to solo in any kind of music! You don't hear bass solos too often though...solos are typically taken by higher-pitched instruments (but not always). I like to spend my time playing grooves however...if I can play bass in a way that makes women want to get up and shake their booty, then I've accomplished my goal. :brow

    Man...some people only learn lessons the hard way. It sure seems like you are putting noble effort into this (and I applaud you for that!), but my gut tells me that he's probably not going to actually change (he may do better for a few weeks or months, but will always slip back into the same behavior). However, if he's really young, sometimes people just have to learn permanent lessons from their mistakes...and there has to be some painful penalties sometimes to cause that learning. His wife dumping him might wake him up and inspire some real change...or it might not. It's awefully hard to anticipate what people will actually do.

    I really think that she should end their current relationship and give herself some time to heal before she jumps right into a new relationship...but then maybe it's already ended long ago from her perspective and she's already healed.

    BD
     
  5. Logger

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    His wife is planning to go to the therapy session tomorrow, and is anticipating that the young husband will not show up. She just plans to use the therapy for her own benefit. If the young husband shows up, that may show some resolve to change.

    I talked to the young husband after he got off work, reached him on his cell phone. He said that he did not plan to go to counseling tomorrow, because his wife found it upsetting for him to be there. So out of concern for his wife, he was skipping counseling tomorrow.

    I offered to go to the Mega Church and help him find a Men's group tonight, but he said he preferred to go by himself. So I gave him directions and the cell phone number of the head Group leader. He was talking to me, still. I offered the Love and Respect book, and CD of the Seminar, which he said he would accept at another time.

    The young husband can only con so many people for so long.

    The Mega Church has a Love and Respect class coming up next month.

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    #5 Logger, Feb 6, 2008
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2008
  6. indagroove

    indagroove New Member

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    It seems like a con to everyone, but I doubt he is running a con. He is feeding his wants and needs at everyones expense. Some people never come out of that (a life time), and some others wake up one day a realize they want a better life.

    Scheduling his counseling, and mandating his attendance will not work. The best thing one can do is be a friend, and just spend time and talk. Every word to him should not be about what his is doing wrong, and how he needs to fix this, or that, or do this, or be doing that..... I am sure he knows all that. The best approuch is getting him to visualize a better life, and where he wants to be. We call them GOALS. Does he want to be married, does he want a home with kids, and a dog, and a loving wife? Or does he want to run the streets for the next 30 years, and be a player with nothing he can call his own. What will his legacy be?

    He's got some deep rooted issue, or just stickin thinkin going on. I friend as a peer can help. He may be at the point where he is convinced he will never be good enough, so why try. I am just guessing at some of the more common issues that keep people from growing up.

    Just a thought.
     
  7. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    The young husband admist he has not been demonstrationg reliable loyalty to the marriage. The question, as I see it, is how can ne find ways to make peace and demonstrate loyalty for the future?

    My first question is what has he done that does not demonstrate reliable loyalty? What is reliable loyalty? A lot depends on the above questions.

    Counselling rarely if ever works and if his wife is demanding that he goes to counselling then the marriage for the most part is over. Going to Mega Church men's group is not going to help him either. It sounds as though there are a lot of issues there that his wife and him need to resolve.

    In my honest opinion he is at a point where opinions and advice will not work. Instead it sounds as though your friend needs to make some difficult choices for himself and as a friend the best thing is do is listen, support him, and guide him on the best course.
     
  8. Logger

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    Update:

    The young husband is continuing to expereince a downward slide in the realtionship and marriage.

    I mentioned that he was stepping on his wife's AIR HOSE, a love and respect term for dampening the spirit of a spouse. He really did not understand what I was talking about.

    He mentioned some instances where he felt he would like more respect in the realtionship.

    I pointed out that in those instances, there was an issue where he was also stepping on his wife's air hose to get respect. Respect is important for a man, but we should try to minimze and avoid stepping on a spouse's air hose. I am not sure he understands how his wife's Love Bank works, or how he makes deposits and withdrawals.

    The young husband returned my phone calls last night, and mentioned the concept of avoiding furhter hurt and frustration by simply giving up on the Marriage. I acknowledged that the decision to Divorce was a decison he could make. The young husband seemed to be willing to try to save the marriage, but was asking for more effort frm his wife.

    The young husband may have to figure out how to make more deposits to the Love Bank, and avoid making withdrawals. He mentioned he had said some regrettable remarks within the last few days. But the remarks were in response to his wife's aggravating attitude.


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