Opinions Please

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by FlirtyChick, Jan 4, 2008.

  1. FlirtyChick

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    I would like to know what y'all think. If someone close to you continously expects your future behavior to be like your past behavior, and if they keep rehashing things you have done to hurt them in the past what would you do to try to dispel the distrust? I love this person very much, but I feel that they have not let go of the past, and they think they have. I am having a hard time moving forward because I feel like this person still has issues with me that are not resolved. They say the issues are resolved, but they keep referencing the past.

    Thanks!
     
  2. Dreama

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    Perhaps you should discuss it with the person, frankly, honesty, and kindly. Tell them how their referencing of the past is really making you uncomfortable, and you feel as though you cannot move forward because of that. If you phrase it correctly, it'll come out to them as you being a caring, concerned friend that you are. And always reiterate that you love and appreciate them.
     
  3. FlirtyChick

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    I have tried this, but probably not with as much kindness. All I usually get in return is "You did this, you did that", and "I am not the problem". This is really messing with my head because I am tired of having to walk on eggshells to please this person 24/7. `I just want to have a normal relationship where sometimes it is allowable for people to not be thier best. It's really f'ing with my head these days. It seems like i have to be the one who is always on best behavior or I am not good enough. The thing that drives me crazy is the little "jabs" that get my feathers up. I don't know what to do. It is at the point that it is so up and down. The bummer is that I really love this person, but I am so sick of being the only one in the relationship that does anything wrong. It's like they expect me to do wrong and act accordingly. I feel like crying now.
     
  4. AnonymousOne

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    Trust is like the finest of porcelain, Easy to break and nearly impossible to put back together.
     
  5. cbrmale

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    SadChick,
    I understand your problem, I had similar issues. I once had a serious illness with left me with some disabilities that I can live with, but I went through a process of grieving for the health I lost nonetheless. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, resolution - I know of grief now but I didn't then, so I went through this awful time for about 18 months or so.

    The anger / depression cycle caused relationship difficulties that were still beneath the surface almost a decade later, even though I had accepted my condition and been normal for several years. I tried my best, and eventually decided on relationship counselling with a qualified psychologist, which brought all the issues in the open for both of us to work on. From then on our marriage changed, and we have never been happier.

    Counselling is not a magic cure on its own, we both had to work on what we discovered during our sessions for it to make a difference.
     
  6. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    This is all I have to say: Give what it is that you wish to receive. It's really simple...even a child can do it.

    BD
     
  7. Dreama

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    I know you don't want to give this person up.....I mean, you love them, but if they constantly hurt you, you might consider lessening the time you spend with them. All you can do is your best, and if they don't forgive you for something that happend a long time ago, there's nothing you can do. I hope things work out, hun. *Hugs*
     
  8. FlirtyChick

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    Dreama, I think I need to clarify my post and it's intent. I want to really know how people think I can stop thinking this way. This person does not hurt me intentionally. I am the person with the problem, and I am the person who caused this person to feel the way they do. I am very depressed and anxious, and for anyone who has been there, it is a lonely, evil place to be. I am the one who feels this person has not forgiven me, and I am the one who thinks I need to walk on eggshells because I have this self-fulfilling prophecy to screw up. I don't want to spend less time with this person, in fact, for me that is not an option. Bottom line is, I am the one with all the problem here, and I just feel like we cannot move from the past into the future. These are MY feelings that are concocted in my mind...I just don't know how to explain it. Thanks for your encouraging words.
     
  9. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    I do not believe relationship counseling would do any good. In fact it seems as though you have discussed it with the person and talked with them about how referencing the past has made you feel even though they claim that they are over it. Unfortunately you are at a point where you can either try being more firm with them. When they bring up a past issue try saying something like, "You have said that you were over that issue and have accepted it. Since you have said it is resolved then we need to move on." Everytime they bring up the past keep repeating that phrase. Along with a behavior that is calm, nonreactive to their statement, and showing that you are not afraid of wha they are saying. I get the feeling that they may be receiving some benefit from bring it up. Hopefully they get the point that you are no longer reacting to them and the issue is over. Otherwise the only other option is for you to consider ending it. Essentially that is what a counselor would tell you but not until you have paid them several thousands of dollars.
     
  10. FlirtyChick

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    Everything you say makes sense, but in defense of the other person, they say that I still behave the way that makes them upset, so they cannot trust me to do otherwise. They are right., and I just feel we are at impasse. They think I will be at my worst and I fulfill the prophecy. Checkmate. None of this is the other person's fault. I am the one who caused the situation, I just cannot seem to undo it.....:ugh
     
  11. Dreama

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    But hon, all you can do is apologize. If she doesn't accept it, it's not your fault. People make mistakes, and though it may have been you that upset her, it's up to her to get over it eventually. If she can't get over it, perhaps you shouldn't be friends. I really hope it does work out though.
     
  12. djmercer1

    djmercer1 New Member

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    i agree and disagree. yes all you can do is apologize for the past event, however to regain trust is going to take a commitment on your part and time to prove that whatever happened was a one-off thing. i had wife troubles this past summer, while counselling helped, im still troubled by what happened sometimes and if we have an argument it often gets brought up as a weapon. trust is tough to get back, and most importantly it takes 2 to work over problems---if your trying to work it out yourself your going to fail.
     
  13. cbrmale

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    I disagree with this quite strongly. Firstly, it is against my experience: we were in a very similar situation. I had changed, we had talked about it and my wife said she was over my past, and yet there was things in the background that counselling exposed for us to deal with.

    Secondly, I have studied psychology and I know how it works. Because of I what I knew, I knew that an independant third person with the same knowledge as me could deal with the issues from the outside that I couldn't deal with from this inside. And this is the bizarre thing: I knew how to resolve what needed to be resolved, but I couldn't do it within our relationship. I couldn't do it because I was too close, I couldn't be perpetrator and fixer at the same time.
     
  14. FlirtyChick

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    I love those last two sentences...Thanks for your support of counseling. I start again in two weeks......
     
  15. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    Plus...

    ...one in support of counseling.

    Everybody learns whatever it is you learned and you learn how to deal with life however it is that you learned. That may sound like an unnecessary statement of fact, just another way of saying 'it is what it is' but it always helps me to be clear even if it is redundant.

    This has been described to me by a counselor as our own personal 'prism', we each see life through our own eyes and perceptions, the collection of everything that we've lived and learned; the good, the bad and the ugly.

    Same person said to me that every interaction with another person is an invitation. If your dad is picking at you, he is asking you if you want to fight. If a person asks you if you'd like to run down main street nude, you might politely decline and be amused at the offer. Not hurt, not angered, amused.

    The goal of counseling is to help you see each interaction that calmly and that rationaly. Would you like to get some dinner? Sure! Would you like to make love? No, not right now, thanks. I'm hungry. Would you like to fight? Of course not. Let's go eat and then make love.

    Most people seek help to deal with anger and I was told anger is based on fear. You look at those interactions, a fight you keep having, and figure out what your fear was. Fear of being misunderstod? Fear of being questioned? Fear of criticism, fear of rejection, so on and so forth. What are you afraid of?

    People who don't seek counseling are invested in how they presently deal with problems. They may be just fine and don't need or want to change much if anything. They deal with people and invitations and life in general calmly, happily and in their own best interests.

    Some people are scared to death of counseling out of simple fear that they've been doing everything all wrong and don't want to deal with changing.

    Some people know they have an issue and simply do not want to fix it. They're comfortable with their issue. There are other options that may be more palatable than fixing it; separation, divorce, substance abuse, simple denial. For a lot of people, it's just easier.

    The goal is being happy and only each individual can decide what that means.

    Now, I'd be much happier having sex right now, but, I am alone, so, typing is gonna have to do for now because going streaking is out.

    :dgrin
     
  16. FlirtyChick

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    You are quite amazing! I know I have issues, and I know what caused them, and I know that I am just a mess. Underneath is a kind, loving, sweet, caring, nurturing woman who is busting to get out again. I have major depressive episodes, and have experienced controlling men, brutal rape, physical and emotional abuse, and I don't have much self-esteem most days. I learned early on that sex was a way to get men to "like" me, so I practiced at becoming an excellent flirt and being good at the act itself. I never engaged in casual sex, though. I had to be in a "relationship" with someone of my choosing. I just always chose the wrong partners. I was in a long-term abusive, "I am afraid to leave you" relationship when I met my husband. I high-tailed it outta there and fell head over heels in love. Methinks that I still have guilt and unresolved issues from that, plus much other hurt that I really "faked" dealing with with my previous counselor. (I was young, and I am good at burying and glossing the truth). Well now, I am sick of feeling up and down, and I need to be my best for my family and for me. So this outspoken little hot mama is going for it. I know this is TMI, but I felt it so I said it all. Plus, I just like you, and the way you just put things out there. Didn't you say you needed a maid who gave sexual favors? LOL (kidding):brow
     
  17. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    It ain't me...


    ...so don't give me the credit as much as I'd like to take it. All I get credit for is being willing to fess up and to learn. Really, it's like a light bulb each thing I've learned, like an 'a ha!' moment. Set me free.

    The people who've taught me deserve the credit. And people who are smarter than me and figure things out on their own deserve credit.

    And yes, I can't help it; it would be cool to have someone clean this place once a week and do me too on a base, sexual level. :dgrin

    If you are sincere in what you wrote, ready to deal with your issues, you'll be good to go. Just be objective about the counseling you work with. Are they all about living with problems? Or fixing them? That goes for you to. Maybe you have too much to fix and maybe just need to deal with it??? Or go real slow? Or hit it all ASAP? My issues were NOTHING compared to what you deal with.

    Go to it!

    PS; depression. You need endorphins. Get off your lazy azz and hit the gym, hard, three times a week. Or walk the neighborhood. Go biking. Whatever it is, get some exercise, regularly. If I miss more than a week I slowly start falling into a funk. Two weeks and start I feeling ike Jabba the Hut looks.

    :D
     
  18. ~emm~

    ~emm~ New Member

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    i understand you 100%. if i do something wrong... i automatically refer to the past in a childish fashion just to "dig my way out of trouble" and refer to something that he did bad. this may not be the case but ours were solved by a trustful, friendly, calm discussion about the matters and we both agreed to move on with as few arguments as possible. helped allot and our relationship is now stable and going good :)
     
  19. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Truer words have rarely been said....this is what I see in how 'Chick deals with our 5 yr old daughter. I plan to do whatever is necessary to help her through all of it...I'll pick her up and carry her when she needs it.

    Can I watch? :dgrin

    BD
     
  20. FlirtyChick

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    Ok Lp

    Guess I'll be coming to clean your house once a week...hubby mandated...he wants to watch LOL! :)

    Seriously, you are dead-right about the exercise, and it certainly should boost the meds I have been on for years. I so disagree with your statement that your probs were nothing compared to what I have dealt with. Anything that makes a person hurt or feel bad is just that, none more excessive than another. When I was in counseling before I faked my way through it so I wouldn't face the pain. Now, 15 years later this chick is finally ready to face things and get rid of them, not live with them.

    You are still a gem in my mind....:toast