Opinions On Marriage?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Squirt, Dec 23, 2008.

  1. Squirt

    Squirt New Member

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    After a lengthy conversation with my boyfriend, I must get some outside opinions. We have different points of views on the subject of marriage.

    One point was we have both been through a divorce, so we've "been down that road" before. Plus we have lived together for over 1 year and pretty much act as if we are already married, so it wouldn't change anything but a piece of paper and a last name.

    The other point was that marriage is much more than a piece of paper, a last name, or living together or what not. Marriage is a gift of commitment and love you give to your significant other. It's a promise that is made before everyone that you will be faithful and will love that person unconditionally.

    This question is for everyone, young and old, male and female, single, married or divorced.
    What are your personal feelings and/or opinions on marriage and why?
     
  2. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Definitely agreed. I'll add to this...marriage is a covenant rather than a contract. What exactly does that mean? In a contract, if one party doesn't deliver what they committed to, then you are released from fullfilling your obligation. (Example: you hire someone to paint your house in exchange for you paying them $1000. If they don't paint your house, then you don't have to pay them.)

    Marriage is a covenant rather than a contract. This means you are obligated to fullfill your commitment whether your partner does or not. If the wife stops having sex with the husband, that doesn't justify the husband having an affair. If the husband stops bringing the wife flowers every week, that doesn't justify the wife calling him names. You are both supposed to give your best to your partner whether you get their best back or not. That's how it's SUPPOSED to work...but since we're human beings, it rarely turns out that way. The divorce rates certainly show that there are plenty of cases where this stops working the way it should.

    BD
     
  3. cbrmale

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    I'm strangely old-fashioned when it comes to marriage. More than half of relationships in Australia are de-facto, but my personal view is that if you love someone enough to share your life with them, then you love someone enough to make a commitment to them, that commitment being marriage.

    I disagree to some extent with Bassdude's comments, because relationships are more complex than give and take. Some couples who aren't really in true and deep love marry, and often these are the marjority of relationships that end up in divorce. I am also of the view that the best relationships ebb and flow, and we have a deep biological urge that we must fight to stray with other partners. The majority fight it, but a significant minority, some of whom are still in love, don't.

    In Australia, when a de-facto relationship ends, the legal process is the same as divorce, with property settlement rights and child visit rights and so on.
     
  4. Squirt

    Squirt New Member

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    Thank you BD for your response, I completely agree. With that said, apearently I am the one that made the second point I wrote and he made the first.

    I love my bf very much and I whole heartedly want to make that commitment with him and it hurts me that he doesn't see the point in marriage. And I know I'm probably wrong and, in a way, I guess, selfish for thinking the way I do, but it is obvious he at some point believed in marriage since he once was.

    Both of our past marriages where much of the same. We both tried to keep the connection and fullfill our duties in it, but our spouses became distant and then it was over. I don't know if maybe he's afraid of being hurt again and won't tell me or what. And if that is the case, I don't know what else to do to prove to him that I am in our relationship 110% till the day I die or he leaves me.

    I'm sorry everyone, I guess I'm just venting.
     
  5. cbrmale

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    Love is complex. There have been a few ways to categorise love in order to understand why some relationships based on love last the distance, and some fracture after a couple of years. The ancient Greek philosophical view is still the best. The first type of love is 'eros' which is erotic love. This is the I can't wait to get naked with this person and the sex three times a day desires. A relationship built mainly or solely on sexual attraction won't last the distance, because once sexual curiosity is exhausted, there's nothing left. It's also a self-gratification type of love, you love the other person for the sexual high that you get. The second type of love is 'philos', and this is the most common for relationships. Philos is the warm friendship you feel for someone, and is all about common interests and shared values. Philos relationships can last, but couples can drift apart because there is a lack of passion to hold the relationship together (the spouses becoming distant comment indicates that the two failed marriages in question were philos-based). In my life's journey, the majority of marriages I know are philos-based.

    The third type of love is 'agape' and it largely combines eros and philos: that is you are best friends, soulmates and passionate towards each other. This is the love that is most likely to last, and the love where there is no question about making a lifetime together.

    I was in love a couple of times, but it didn't feel like the way that some try to describe love or portray love. We could have married, but it didn't feel quite right. And then I fell in love, and I knew the difference, although at the time I didn't know of the different types of love. But certainly I was in philos love a couple of times before I discovered agape.
     
  6. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Let me say this...live your life in the present, not in the future. If he doesn't want to get married, do you want to kick him out and find someone who does? Or, is he still *right* even if he doesn't want to get married? If he's still *right*, live in the present and enjoy the good relationship that you have. If he's not *right*, then kick him to the curb and find someone who shares the same goals.

    BD
     
  7. Squirt

    Squirt New Member

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    I love him with all of my heart. It is very different from any love I that have ever felt for someone. And yes BD, he is and always will be the *right* one, regardless if we ever do or do not get married. I just wish he understood why I would love to give him that amazing, wonderful gift of marriage. But even if it's 20 or even 50 years down the road and he still doesn't want to get married, I'll still love him and be with him.

    I do live my life in the present. This is just a topic we had a discussion about last night and I simply wanted outside opinions on it. I cannot help that I have these feelings and reasons for why I want to marry him, as the same for him, he has his feelings and reasons for not wanting to. Although I do not completely understand or agree with him, I have never once said he was wrong. I just wish to share that gift with him someday.
     
  8. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Squirt...I totally understand. BUT...just be happy with what you have. It can change in an instant.

    BD
     
  9. Trixi

    Trixi New Member

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    I'm practical. Marriage is necessary if you love someone because of the legal benefits it gives the person you love. It gives them your property if you die, it gives them access to your health insurance. It gives to the power to make decisions for them if they are too sick to do so, etc., etc. There are drawbacks with divorce, and such, but the benefits far outweigh the bad stuff. Other than these practical things, it is symbolically giving yourself to another person, and I like that part.
     
  10. Dreama

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    I feel like each couple has to decide for themselves what marriage means to them. Hubby and I got married because we felt as though that was right for us, but I've met other couples who are not married but have just as much a commitment. Bottom line: if you're committed to someone, marriage doesn't make much of a difference-marriage, as we all know does not keep a relationship in tact. However, it can be a beautiful thing if you want to traverse that road-but ultamitely your perception of marriage is unique from person to person.
     
  11. Old Hippie

    Old Hippie New Member

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    Hi,
    I came to the opinion, after being married for quite a while and having gone through some tough times, that if we hadn't been married there would have been more of a temptation to pitch it in. I mean during the toughest times. So in a sense it was our marriage that kept us together at times.
    We have an intense relationship and most of the time very good, but even now we occasionally have spats.
    O.H.
     
  12. evman

    evman New Member

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    Being married by itself doesn't make a relationship good. There are people that have great relationships that never marry and married people that have terrible relationships. Whatever works for the two of you. You may want to consider the legal aspects of things down the road such as having kids, wills and things like that. Personally I love being married and wouldn't want it any other way.
     
  13. igor

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    Oh yes indeed. Things can turn around and you breath a sigh of relief that you stuck it out.
    Especially true if you have kids. After 4 years of a sexless marriage I was close to throwing in the towel, so to speak. Even now things are not all rosy and I get really depressed. I can't even imagine what turmoil a split would create.
     
  14. blondyboy

    blondyboy New Member

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    Marriage is special but me being in my early-mid 20's, marriage is not even on my radar screen. I enjoy dating but marriage is something i'll start thinking about when i'm older and more mature. The older the better me thinks.
     
  15. lbushwalker

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    Being married 32 years but looking forwards to bailing soon.
    Marriage is not all wonderful commitments and all that warm fuzzy stuff; well it can be for some time but then comes along kids & reality bites deep.
    IMHO the real winners in a marriage are kids, it's for their security that two people are handcuffed together in the "for better or worse" safety net.
    Love and real commitment exists when two people live, respect and stay together but this should not rely on the "Law" and a Contract to make it stick.
    Sorry guys, not everybody believes in marriage any more and having being there myself don't either but our kids have reached the legal age of adulthood; which BTW does not necessarily mean independence.
    A bit of a cynic all round hey?
     
  16. missyhuggins

    missyhuggins New Member

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    I left my ex (and father of my children) because we didn't fit. We were getting married in the Nov and I finally worked up the courage to make the split in Aug of that same year.
    IMO, marriage is a statement to one another that you love them, want to spend the rest of your life with them and are joining yourselves to one another as a sign of love and security.

    I want to get married. Don't want the wedding so will definitely elope because really, the wedding is for everyone else. I want it for my partner and I, noone else.
    Having said that though, if my partner was adament he didn't want to get married but still wanted to build a life with me, I'd not get married if he was 'the one.'

    I can understand your BF having reservations due to past experience but if you're as well matched as you say you are then regardless, it'll all fall into place.
     
  17. Joe

    Joe
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    There are only a few good reasons to get married:
    1. You answer your doorbell and her father is standing there with shotgun in hand.
    2. You have a child (or more) and want to legalize the relationship.
    3. You know you'll be together for the rest of your lives anyway and figure making it legal would be nice.
    4. She finances Bill Gates when he needs big money.
    5. She says she's moving out if she doesn't get a ring soon. (I don't really think this is a good reason, but it's the most popular.)
     
  18. Squirt

    Squirt New Member

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    I agree with you whole heartedly on everything. I am sorry that it didn't work out for you in the past and hope you find that love in your life.

    I also would prefer to elope. Had the big wedding and if I ever do it again it will be for me and him only. (And some random Elvis in Las Vegas :p) But if he never wants to, as I said before, I'm not going anywhere.



    Reasons 2 and 4 are too funny!!! :lol:lol:lol Definately NOT me! Reason #3 fits me best. Thanks for the input!
     
  19. Barbwire

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    You say you've been living together for a year. How long have you been a couple?
     
  20. Squirt

    Squirt New Member

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    We went on our first blind date on June 2nd, 2007. It has been going strong since then, hasn't slowed down a bit.