once a cheater always a cheater ??

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by lizbebe, Nov 22, 2010.

  1. lizbebe

    lizbebe New Member

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    ok so i have been married for 3 years . Have a great marriage . But a year ago my husban cheated on me and he told me the day after . since then he has proved that he is sorry . I love him but i am scared of him doing it again . i have no kids and my mom keeps telling me "once a cheater always a cheater ". i love him but i dont want to be blinded buy love . some advice please ? :ugh
     
  2. Kermit

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    He does it again toss his ass out lol
     
  3. lizbebe

    lizbebe New Member

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    yess !!! i will!!! life is to short ...
     
  4. Kermit

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    lifes too short to deal with cheaters, once can be forgivable perhaps but not twice, it shows a pattern of behavior
     
  5. lbushwalker

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    A leopard won't change it's spots so why would a cheata?
     
  6. nurseharley

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    is this something you think you'd ever be able to get over? i know i couldnt. i would always have that fear in the back of my head that he will cheat again or already has. it'll probably keep taking a toll on your relationship and straining it. trust is the most important part of a relationship, without that you truly have no leg to stand on. he may be sorry but why the hell did he do it in the first place? i'd talk with him about it and tell him it's still an issue and see where the conversation goes.

    i personally wouldnt be able to look at him the same and would much rather be with someone who is true to me, and his word.
     
  7. lizbebe

    lizbebe New Member

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    we talked ,,, i forgave him its in the past ,,, i dont bring it up anymore i want to forget about it ,,, but yesss the fear is there ,, i dont want to be 40 years of and get cheated again!!
     
  8. Kermit

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    Yeah but watch that fucker like a hawk, put his ass on probation
     
  9. lizbebe

    lizbebe New Member

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    but what if i leave him ,,, and another guy treats me worse ,, or cheats on me more ... thats another fear ,,, so i am just going to see what happens and trust him again ,,, but till then,, no kids!!!
     
  10. lizbebe

    lizbebe New Member

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    oooo i am !!! :mad
     
  11. nurseharley

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    this sounds like it's really taken a toll on your self esteem. you shouldnt think every other man could possibly treat you worse, just imagine how much BETTER and loyal they could be. good men can be hard to find, but its not impossible.
     
  12. lizbebe

    lizbebe New Member

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    well it has a lil bc wtf did i do wrong for him to cheat!! :yell
    and i asked him and he said he was drunk blah blah plus he is in the army ...
     
  13. nurseharley

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    HA another army man who cheats? the guy who cheated on me was in the army....maybe its part of boot camp?? just kidding...but you didnt do anything wrong, DON'T think like that. a cheater is gonna cheat no matter who they're with
     
  14. lizbebe

    lizbebe New Member

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    mmmmm yea damm army whores ,,he is trying reallly hard ,,, we will see what happens ,,, i just dont want to be the dumb wife :ugh
     
  15. BigGreekD

    BigGreekD Member

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    I dont believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater." I feel many people just need to get something out of their system or just want to experiment. Then again, not everyone is so lucky and a lot of people think, "Well i almost got away with it the first time, now i know my mistakes" ... either way, One more change sounds fair
     
  16. lizbebe

    lizbebe New Member

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    Mmm if he wanted to experiment he should have never married Me. .. I don't want an STD. . But yes second and last chance. .
     
  17. HayleyB

    HayleyB New Member

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    Most of the relationships I have had have been open relationships, but I think if he loves you and you love him, he deserves a second chance. I can see how it can be viewed as a batrayal, but there are worse things in the world.
     
  18. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    The real question, I believe, is: how accountable has he become with you since he confessed? Has he stayed away from situations similar to the one that led to his cheating? Has he given you full access to his phone, email, text messages, Facebook, etc? When is out, does he keep in touch with and let you know where is, who is he with? is he making more of an effort to spend time with you and your family? Are his close friends the type who would ensure that he does not fall into that situation again? If you wanted counseling to deal with your feelings of insecurity, would he be willing to go with you?

    You see, what now matters is how much he has changed. If he is truly remorseful he should be making efforts to bend over backwards to prove to you his trust. If you see his efforts to change his ways, then you have a better chance of him now staying true. But if he has not changed the habits that led him to cheating, and still hides parts of his life from you, then proceed with caution. I wish you the best.
     
  19. HayleyB

    HayleyB New Member

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    That is no way to live life though is it? I mean having to check up on all that, and such a complete lack of trust? That isn't a relationship.

    People do stupid things, they hurt each other and do and say stupid things, but you can't take one mistake and hold it over a person for the rest of their days assuming that at any moment they are going to hurt you again. If a relationship has gotten to that stage, it probably died a long time ago, it just hasn't had the decency to end yet.
     
  20. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    I understand your point of view. But consider that every "stupid thing" is not a violation of trust. However, cheating is a major violation of trust. If you cheat, and want to win back that trust, that is the price you pay. The actions I described I believe are relevant if one wants to restore trust specifically in a cheating situation. The degree to which those actions have to be taken depend on how hurt the spouse feels. While all of then may not be necessary, it really amounts to "if I want to win back the trust of my spouse, what must I do?" and that might mean some or all of the things I described.

    I have never cheated on my wife, despite having opportunities to do so. But because I give her free and open access to my life, as described above, I actually have more freedom. Because she sees that I am willing to do this, she does not feel the need to check up on me.

    I will use this forum as an example. My Bunnie knows my forum ID and password, she can sign on anything she wants to see my posts and private messages. Do you know how many times she has done that? zero. Why? because her view is, if I am willing to be so open with her about this, she has no need to check on me. She trusts my judgment because I am willing to do that. That gives me great freedom. I have no problem giving her open access to those things I describe above, and just her seeing me willing to do that is enough for her, so that she does not check at all.

    You, see, in my view, people can get love and trust confused. They are very different things. It is a lot easier to love someone that to trust them. After all, how soon after you fall in love and/or have sex with someone do you give then full access to your financial records?

    All mistakes are not equal, and efforts to correct mistakes are not equal. Forgetting your spouse's birthday is a mistake that is not on the same plane as cheating on your spouse. The context of the original question is that they are not "boyfriend and girlfriend", they are married. If one chooses to get married, that also includes agreeing to a level of trust, and in most cases people do not get married expecting that their spouse will cheat on them. If that does happen, that is a mistake that must be corrected with a great effort, since trust is a foundational aspect of marriage.
     
    #20 htoad, Nov 23, 2010
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2010