On relationships

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Buffalo204, Sep 16, 2007.

  1. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

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    Not all relationships are between lovers. Right now the one bothering me is about my daughter. I got a call from my youngest daughter yesterday. She and her husband are leaving for Michigan where his folks live. I have known him 5 years and he has never held a job over a week or two and those have been few and far between. She has supported them as a stripper. Well their drug use has got so bad that the only clubs she can dance in are the real low life places and even then she can't stay at work long enough to make any money. They got kicked out of the shit box they were living in and nothing to get another place. Neither of her sisters will let her move in if he is with her and she knows better then ask me. His mother comes to the rescue once again so they are saved from being street people, for a bit at least. We all met at my oldest daughters place last night. When I said good by it hit me that I may well never see her again. Don't know what else to say.... I don't expect answers but any feedback is welcome. Just something I needed to talk about. Thanks
     
  2. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Many parents go through what you are going through. Thorn & I have a child (33 years old :ugh) that is in a similar situation. Her "enabler" is her grandmother. We allowed them to move in for a short period of time about 4 years ago when they had nowhere to go, and it was hell on earth. We finally gave them a move-out date. (And that was with my 3 year old grandson, too - - extremely hard!!)

    Some adult children refuse to make the tough decisions, in order to get free from a viscious cycle of poverty, drugs, and dependancy. It seems to be a peril of our times. You are expressing 'tough love', probably the most unselfish love to be manifested. Having MIL bail them out every time doesn't help them in the long run - it only prolongs the inevitable. If they knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt that NO ONE would be rescuing them, they might just start growing up.

    As a mother, I found it to be likened to somneone sticking a knife in my heart - then twisting it slowly back and forth. Wanting your children to find a life with which they are happy and secure is every parent's hope.

    Advice? No one can tell you - it's just gotta come. One day, you will receive the strength to 'let her go', as I did mine. It's hard as hell, and you can't force it. You'll just wake up one day and know that you have released her to her own decisions in life. You've done all (and more) that any parent can do. And you move on.

    There is a happier ending to my story, but suffice it to say that 'letting go' was probably the single most important act of love I gave my daughter.
     
  3. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

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    Thanks Rose, I have been sober 32 years myself and know the "Right" things to do and will do them but it's hard all the same.
     
  4. Joe

    Joe
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    My first MIL never thought I was good enough for her daughter. Even though I was very successful financially and a responsible and loving husband to her daughter and father to her grandkids, she never gave me credit for doing anything right. As a result I swore I'd never be anything but supportive of my children's spouses, but I've got a step-son-in-law much like yours. In an area with 2.5% unemployment, he couldn't find work often, and every time he did, he got fired promptly. (Even though he knew more than anyone he ever worked for.)

    They recently gave up working here to move back with his parents. The last I saw of him he was here to pickup a cart so he could bring over a washer and dryer (which we'd given them) so we could sell it for them after they left. I haven't seen him, the cart nor the washer and dryer since. We suspect he traded it for drugs. We get calls from their creditors on a daily basis.

    It's hard not to help, but at some point you just have to throw up your arms and hope they grow up. I hope yours and mine do before it's too late.
     
  5. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    I am not meaning this to belittle anyones views or to slam anyone with my views.

    Im just saying things from my lifes prespectives and from someone that has been on both sides of drug abuse and drink abuse.
    I know i am a youngster in many eyes, but i have lived and gone througha lot of things in my short life so far, and have come out the other side from all of it.

    I sure as heck hope they will to.


    Sadly tough love also has a very big down side....Suicide sadly.

    No parent should have to constantly bail their children out with a home or money, but that doesnt mean you cant accept them in, give them a meal, and try to chat to them ( not chat down saying your wrong your bad , drugs this drugs that and such shit. )

    You have to talk to them , not down at them.

    Ive known many drug addicts in my time, it isnt always a case of if you shut all the dors they will finaly realise they must get help, shutting all the doors means they have no where to turn to, they will feel they are not wanted loved or welcome anywhere and could quite easly fall ever further into the depths they are in...

    I have lived on the streets and i wouldnt wish that on anyone ( especialy not my own flesh and blood ) oh and i lived on them for 9 years mainly on sometimes off.
    Ive done drink and drugs, been in prisons, youth hostels, one night rough as hell shelters and more besides.

    some will pull through on their own, many will not, some will need love and guidance, something that does seem to be lacking these days.


    I pulled through all of my problems on my own.
    I was one of the lucjy ones..


    Many people on drugs are not themselves they are not thinking logicaly like you are.....you are in a better position to help them, as you are the mature none drug taking stable person.

    They will in my eyes be the person the drugs have made them, not the person they were before or the person the ycould be with the corect help, and the guidance of their respective families
     
  6. Dreama

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    Just be loving. That isn't to say you have to give them things and enable them, but it means that you let them know that you love them unconditionally, and that you'll be there for emotional support. Don't let someone use you, but don't judge them either. They may have more psychological problems that need to be soothed before they can truly get themselves into better shape. Constantly telling someone that you don't like how they live isn't going to help. Encourage them, and don't give them any room for negativity. Life is tough, and they have to find that out for themselves.
     
  7. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

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    I am loving. In fact we held each other can cried a bit last night. I don't scold or put them down. I just don't support there use. Actually I couldn't if I wanted. I'm what you would call a poor person. I know hard it is to get clean. I was a low bottom skid row drunk. I know also that I cant do it for them, they have to.
     
  8. Bluesy

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    I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter's situation :( I found myself nodding along vigorously with what Kronnie and Dreama have said... I've never had a drug/alcohol problem, though I have struggled with non-chemical addictions, and I have been in places I shouldn't have been with people I shouldn't have been with (druggies and criminals); I've hit my bottom of the barrel, too. Everyone wants to be loved and happy, everyone wants to be financially solvent, completely autonomous, and successful to their own mind. There are obstacles, mental and physical, to these reasonable and healthy goals, and it's when people run up against them that they start going down the wrong paths. And then comes chaos, poverty, substance abuse (if you can't be happy, then you have to take your mind off of your misery somehow), and a host of additional mental disorders. I have a bit of social work experience, my mother has far more, and every young adult she's worked with who has ended up on the streets, gotten themselves into bad relationships, trouble with the law, etc., had been diagnosed with psychiatric disorders that required more than one medication, and frequently (because these kids end up seeing county doctors who aren't exactly the creme de la creme of their profession), whenever the kids began suffering with burdensome side-effects, or the meds stopped working (it happens often with psych. meds), or needed something else, whatever, the kids would give up and throw themselves back onto the street, back into their dysfunctional lives, back into the routine of self-medicating with cocaine/crack or heroin (two popular drugs among young adults in this area). What I'm getting at here is that all of them had medical problems. A lot of them have ADD and bipolar disorder, more than a few have psychotic symptoms that required treatment with anti-psychotic meds.

    Buffalo, I would bet dollars to donuts that your daughter is a sick woman. You guys missed the symptoms when she was growing up, and that's not your fault. Sometimes what looks like ordinary teenage laziness or moodiness, belligerence, lack of ambition or risk-taking is really stemming from a neurochemical imbalance in the brain, and if left untreated, these things snowball...and then people descend into a life of chaos and misery. At the very least, these people all have one or more personality disorder, and while you can't treat it with medication, it can be treated with psychotherapy.

    If she were my daughter, I would do everything in my power to get her to get help from a professional. Just something to mull over, 'kay? *Hugs*
     
  9. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Bluesy is right, as when we were raising our oldest, we knew nothing of ADD - or were fearful of the drugs they wer giving the kids. We have come to find out she has had severe ADD, and of course hindsight is 20/20. The symptoms were classic, textbook.

    Hence, I believe her first drug experiments were self-medicating. Trying to escape the inner monster. By the time we were willing to admit something was wrong, she was already well on her way down her chosen path.

    Without going into detail, we always loved her and affirmed our love. there came a time that I had to allow her to reap some of the seeds, or I probably would have lost my sanity. She went down - , before starting to hate her circumstances enough to try to change them.

    It's been a long road, but we have developed a solid, loving relationship based on love and mutual respect. But I still re-iterate, "letting go" was the single most loving thing I did - - for both of us.
     
  10. Dreama

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    I wasn't saying you were. As a non-parent, I only have experience being a daughter. That's the only advice I have, and I had no idea that you had already used it. :) I hope everything gets better, and that she stays safe and well.
     
  11. Bluesy

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    Oh, I didn't mean that a person should do non-productive things to "help", like throwing money at them or giving them a place to stay when they aren't in any frame of mind to appreciate it or meet reasonable demands (like getting help). I was thinking more along the lines of doing whatever's necessary to keep the lines of communication open, letting her know you're there as a shoulder to lean on, trying to gently persuade her to seek help... And I know what a powerful influence denial is. A person has to be able to acknowledge that they've got a problem, or else everything else is worthless.

    I certainly didn't mean to criticize the actions you took with your own daughter.
     
  12. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    YOU DIDN'T? Whew!! Good thing - cuz, I didn't think you were anyway :lol

    Seriously, your post brought to light another aspect which needs to be addressed! I thought your insight was very good and relative, as it did prove to be true in our case.

    Problem was, when she did start to get herself together, she went to be evaluated for ADD, etc., but they wouldn't prescribe medication due to her history of drug abuse. :ugh Kind of a 'catch-22" ...
     
    #12 Rose, Sep 18, 2007
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2007
  13. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    I think that maybe incase the drugs for the ADD conflict with the ilegal drugs she takes Rose.
     
  14. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    No, actually, it was because they couldn't trust her to not abuse the ADD drugs, as well. :ugh
     
  15. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    I have no idea what drugs they prescribe for ADD, but they must be quite strong then
     
  16. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

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    Update. She called her 1/2 sister this afternoon saying they broke down in New Mexico and were going through withdrawals. I take it she wanted the sister to get drugs and drive up there to deliver them. I'm afraid she is out of luck. Even if we wanted to all the family she has here is about broke at the moment. Hell, I didn't want to sleep tonight anyway!:(
     
  17. Bluesy

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    She would do best to see a psychiatrist for her ADD (they specialize in treating learning disorders, too). There are various non-ampehtamine ADD drugs on the market nowadays (they're non-addictive, unlike the very small pool of amphetamine derivatives that were available when we were growing up). Adult ADD can have a huge impact on relationships and success in life...it's never too late to get treatment.
     
  18. angelbaby

    angelbaby New Member

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    drugs

    I want to say one thing about her boyfriend/hubby.If he is doing drugs,try to stay in constant contact.My sisters hubby kept us away from her as much as he could and then she disappeared,never heard from again and it is going on 5 1/2 years.Men like that may start abusing their girl, for no reason.
     
  19. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

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    I believe that is a posability. I've tried calling her phone.. No answer.
     
  20. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    That's the hardest part.
    The abuser might just be on a binge... totally oblivious to the fears mounting in those who care about/love them.

    Then there's the scenario in which Anglebaby finds herself. 5 1/2 years - no contact. One fears the worst in that situation. :( My heart goes out to you.

    -and to you, as well, Buffalo. :grouphug