on a break

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by eyes16, Jul 16, 2005.

  1. eyes16

    eyes16 New Member

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    me and my G/F have had it bad recently, shes had exams and stuff like that, i also have had my final exams to get my qualification, i have had a couple of other big things on my mind, mainly that i have a lack of money, but no that aint a problem for me anymore, our exams are all over, and latley we both have been stressed and tired, she told me she needs a break, which is hard for me, because i just think thats a way of telling me its over in a nice way.

    i think another thing is that i havent had the money to go out clubbing or anything really, she always offers me money, and i really hate borrowing money, we spoke last nite and she knows i love her, she said that she loves me, and towards the end of the nite we were fine, we were smiling, but still not together, she said she wants a few months apart, but i cant do that, i felt like saying its now or never, but i dont want to push her, and i cant have a few months apart.

    i need her to believe that those things that i was stressed about have gone away, and the only thing on my mind is her, i have told her this, but i really need her to believe me.

    also i have had a payrise, i was an apprentice, thats why money was tight, so if we get back together, i want to take her out and show her i really care for her and love her, i know she likes clubbing, i know she likes it when i get a little bit drunk, so i was thinking i should take her out just the two of us, somewhere romantic, and then going clubbing and getting a bit drunk, she stays at mine at weekends so we could go back to mine.

    i understand that she may need time, i just think if we love each other then we can get through this together.


    what do you think?
    any tips on how i can get her to truly believe me that i do love her?

    i hope i can get replies asap, im seeing her tonight and i really think i need her to believe me, if i cant do it tonight then i dont think i will want to try again.
     
  2. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    I think you are at a crossroads in your relationship. Taking this opportunity to re-connect on a normal basis (date, romance, clubs..) is a good idea. And I think you hit the nail on the head - you can't push her, you can't make her believe that you love her. Try to relax. It's either gonna happen, or it's not. You will probably know after this weekend. At least you know you tried. Good luck, and let us know how it turned out. :tup
     
  3. eyes16

    eyes16 New Member

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    i will, we are good together, were going to see a film tonight, called madagascar.

    anyway, i have really been thinking what causes us to be misrable, ill explain:

    im one of those people with a short fuse, the slightest thing that pisses me off, or i dont agree with i easily get frustrated with, i should say that i get only get frustrated in normal every day things, like if im driving and some other driver does something stupid, i get pissed off.

    Also if im playing football, or soccer to some people, i play aggresively, and sometimes lash out at people, not hit, just shout.

    i think i have let this get so bad that it happens to frequently, and is effecting our relationship, and i think this is one main cause of all the problems, i understand i need to get rid of this, when i get frustrated i wont speak, ill just let the frustration bulid up, and it will ruin the night or evening we spend together.

    im going to explain to her after the film, what i just said, i know her and i know she'll disagree, but this is true, and its what i need to do.

    i need tips on this, i dont need help because i dont go completly mental, and i dont hit other people just get frustrated

    my mum has noticed that i get frustrated easuily, she gave me an anger managment leaflet, im not sure if it was a joke, but my family dont really talk about personal problems, so i cant talk to them.

    it has got to the point where i dont like this and want to get rid of it.
    im definatly want to speak with my G/F about it, without sounding like a psycho.

    ill let you know what happens, and have you got tips on how i should say this to her?
     
  4. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Since you have grown up in a family that does not communicate well with each other, and tends to hold in frustrations, it is natural that you have acquired this tendancy. The good thing is that you recognize it, and want to change.
    It's true, people do not like being around a hot head. And there is the possibility that it could escalate into something more physical (even though you don't see it now).
    Please don't brush off the "anger management" idea. You'd be surprised how many people have to deal with that - from all walks of life. Since you really don't have a good support system at home, this may be just what you need. Bettering yourself, especially at a young age, is always a positive thing.

    You could kind os 'role play' with yourself today. Telling her what YOU observe as some of your problems, and also informing her of your plans to make changes. But when you role-play, you may also want to prepare yourself for 'worse case scenario'. - If she still wants to break for a while, are you still going to go through with the anger management, etc? i would hope so.
    ...and , if she still wants to break for a while - practice not getting pissed off. That would be a bad response, to say the least.
     
  5. Thorn

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    About the anger and lashing out >>> I was a lot like you in my past and still have to watch it and keep it under control today. It took me years to realize how many times I ruined the moment or even the evening out with me wife. Now (usually) when we get ready to go out pubbing & clubing or to a concert, etc. I will say to her, for my benefit as a reminder to me, I want to make this a great evening together. Even if we are just driving to the grocery store and I realize how much we enjoy each others company, it's then that I realize it's because I have remained calm and taken any bad stuff in stride. Sometimes we even laugh and joke about what might otherwise piss me off on a bad day. Don't get me wrong, I still have "bad days" sometime. And don't be too hard on yourself. Like Rose said, you're still young and you want to do something about it now. That's good. I wish I had done that earlier in life. ;) I don't know what will be the outcome with your current relationship but the fact that you see a potential problem and want to fix it can't be bad as far as gaining experience for any future relationships, even marriage. :eek Keep us posted though. ;)
     
  6. eyes16

    eyes16 New Member

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    thanks for the great replies,

    @rose, i will still be trying to control it with whatever it takes even if we do split up for good, i shall explain this to her after we have been out tonight.

    when we go out tonight, im just going to be myself, and not even talk about the break, this could be good because she may not want to talk about it, or it could be bad as she may see that even though were not together, were still good as friends, which is not wot i want.

    but things take time, ill also say that me getting frustrated isnt me at all, thats just stress building up, the person that i am is a joking kind of person whoe enjoys going out.

    i hope she realizes this, anyway ill let you know how it goes.
     
  7. eyes16

    eyes16 New Member

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    i have also found some web pages on anger managment.

    first off im going to read these and try to understand this problem.

    if this works then great, if not then i think its more of a thing where i need to talk to people.
     
  8. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Usually, compulsive behavior is not how the real person is or wants to be. That's why help-groups are available. Understanding the triggers, and learning to regain control when those 'triggers' occur, will help develop new habits toward dealing with frustrating events (whether its getting cut off in traffic, or becoming over-zealous in a game of soccer).

    I'm glad you will stick with it, regardless of tonight's outcome. This is going to rear it's ugly head in every relationship you have, until you deal with it. Good luck. :)
     
  9. eyes16

    eyes16 New Member

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    well, we went out, we went for a drink, then went to pizza hut, thats where we went on our first date, then we watched the film, during the film i put my arms around her to warm her up(she was cold) and we kissed, and she said she missed that, then we went back to mine and we talked about my problem, and i promised her it will never happen again, we kissed aswell, and cuddled, she said she loved me, and i told her the same, but then she said she's confused, she loves me and doesn't want to hurt me or upset me.

    i thought it was going well, untill she said that, to be honest i think she is scared that she will be hurt again, and i promised that will never happen, because she is the only thing on my mind, she still wants time to think.

    i need to do something for her that will show how much i love her, but without money untill the end of the month im not sure how to go about this, any ideas?
     
  10. eyes16

    eyes16 New Member

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    sje just rang me to tell me that she had a good time last nite, she said she loves me, to be honest im confused...she loves me but on a break, im seeing her tonight, what should i do now?
     
  11. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Now? - Take her out tonight, have a good time. Do something fun. You've discussed your plans to work on your problem. So nix talking about it any more. You don't want that to be your focal point of every date. It could suck the life out of your relationship.
    Showing how much you love her? - Doesn't take money: Take a walk, hold hands, stop and pick some flowering weeds & put them in a jar of water for her, put a blanket out on the lawn and look at the stars while you talk about things that are important to you both.....Have Fun!
     
  12. eyes16

    eyes16 New Member

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    we spoke again last nite, she said she misses me, and we hugged and kissed, we then spoke again just and she said that when i got pissed off, i was also pissed off around her, she said she cant have me back while im like this, maybe when she sees that this problem has gone she will, and now im desperate, i know that i have changed this, i just need to prove to her that i have changed, how can i do this?

    she is also goin clubbing tonight, im scared she will meet someone else now. help
     
  13. eyes16

    eyes16 New Member

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    i just rang her and asked
    if she loved me in the same way i love her? she said yes
    is there a chance of us happening again? she said theres always that chance, but she doesnt want to be with anyone right now, but we cant be at the minute because i get pissed off easily and take it out on other people.

    well thats waot was said, anyway, when she said take it out on other people she ment that i get pissed off with everyone else, not violently, but i get in a mard.

    she gets her grades on the 19th of august, and i asked if we could talk about us then, and she said yes.

    i no this is probably sounding sad now, but im going to change that problem and i no i can, and i will prove myself to her and everyone else, its just i cant afford to go to meetings or anythin that will cost, i was hoping i could email someone who is an expert in this, so i could speak with them. but i really will prove myself.

    any tips?
     
  14. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Meetings are free. Every public health center has them.
    There is no "quick fix" to get your relationship back on track right now.

    My friend, I think she is afraid right now. And one can not blame her. Can you take one step back, do what you gotta do, and get back with her later?
    Can you take your focus off of HER? Put the focus on YOU. I know you have nothing but good intentions, but you need to deal with your frustrations. They are playing out in your dealings with other people. Honestly, there is no hope for the two of you, till you get a handle on this anger/rage. It will only get worse. - I have a feeling she is realizing this.
    If you care/love her, a short break in relations (to better yourself), is going to be worth it.
    I'm pulling for you, friend! ;)
     
  15. eyes16

    eyes16 New Member

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    thanks, i let you know what happens in about a months time, really appreciate the help
     
  16. eyes16

    eyes16 New Member

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    were back together, she went to town and realized how much she wanted me, and loves me, she said she made the mistake, but its not all her fault, there wer a couple of things why she did what she did, 1. because i get pissed off, 2. because when she wanted to go out, i didnt.

    which i totally understand and it was true, we talked about things and i promised her that i would change my ways, goin on a break made me realize how much i loved her.

    we talked and then when out, we both enjoyed ourselves.

    After talking with the people on these forums i havent got pissed off once. thanks for all the help and advice.
     
  17. -G-

    -G- New Member

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    good advice rose, where were you when I needed you ;). And congrats to you and your relationship eyes16 - just make sure you dont let the frustrating parts of life cause you to resort to your old habits. Good luck!
     
  18. eyes16

    eyes16 New Member

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    ok, things are going great for us now, we spoke about the things that were wrong, we got them sorted, its just now i get worried about it happening all over again, about once a week i get really worried, i tell her this and she says i shouldnt get worried, i just think that she will meet someone better than me, is this normal after a break?
     
  19. -G-

    -G- New Member

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    yes, because you arent confident aboput the relationship anymore. But you need to get that confdence back because to much of that could hurt the relationship also. Just relax as long as you are correcting your issues and being a good boyfriend to her by fufilling her needs emotionally and physically, then thats all you can do. If she still isnt happy then it wasnt ment to be. but dont go there yet you guys are doing great just relax.