Oh so new

Discussion in 'Member Introductions' started by HillyMiku, Oct 20, 2008.

  1. HillyMiku

    HillyMiku New Member

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    Hello All! I'm new to this site but not so new to the concept. I am a relationship therapist by day and you can guess the rest by night. I split my time between my patients in Michigan and my research in Tel Aviv. I love Israel because it defies expectations. You think it would be a place restricted by religion but it is so full of life - especially sexually. People are far more open on the beaches of Tel Aviv and Eilat than any place in the US. You can openly talk about sex in a cafe without someone asking you to keep it down because they don't want their kids listening.

    I'm open about what I like but need a little nudging on new things to try. Shoot me a line, say hello, and feel free to recommend new things (positions, fetishes, sites..etc.) to me. I'm open!

    :D
     
  2. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Welcome, welcome, welcome! I'll bet you are going to be a popular lady here, given that you are a relationship therapist.

    So, give us the final answer here, since you are a therapist...we periodically see so many guys show up here saying "I don't get enough sex from my wife" (even though they may have been like rabbits early on). One of the things we always end up asking him is "do you give your wife what she needs from you in other parts of the relationship?" Often, it sounds like the answer is "no". Now, I don't have that problem myself :D, but then I feel like a big part of it is that I put effort into making my wife feel loved outside the bedroom. In the cases that you see as a therapist, is this the typical scenario...ie. the male not putting much thought into any "love" outside the bedroom? Just curious!

    BD
     
  3. Katprr

    Katprr New Member

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    Welcome to the forum!!!
     
  4. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    Thanks for joining! You are most welcome here.

    :welcome
     
  5. FlirtyChick

    Gold Member

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    Hi, and Welcome!
     
  6. igor

    Gold Member

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    Welcome aboard! Sounds like you could be a wealth of information to a lot of us :)
     
  7. Rocket Queen

    Rocket Queen New Member

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  8. HillyMiku

    HillyMiku New Member

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    This is a fantastic question and I apologize for not answering sooner. Men tend to be "me me me" in the bedroom and women like to shower their men with whatever attention they can. I find a lot of men saying "my girl doesn't stimulate me enough" when really, they have unrealistic expectations of what their woman should do for them. We are not playboy bunnies, we are not porn stars (most of us aren't) - we are not here just for your gratification. We ARE human. We need to feel loved and appreciated.

    From a theraputic standpoint, I tell a lot of patients that they need to look within to figure out why their significant other doesn't want to play any more. After about a session or two of this, the guy usually realizes that he's in the wrong and hasn't been paying enough attention to the little lady.

    Sometimes patients have told me that sex has become a chore for them. It's something they do- not because they enjoy it, but because they want to please their partner and get it over with. That is something I'll never quite understand (I hope) but this happens when connections are lost and life gets in the way.

    Bottom line: keep connecting. Don't let life get in the way. Sex should not be a chore, it should be a vice that keeps you connected and teaches you new ways of establishing connections. It should be fun and playful - and NEVER something done to just please someone else. It's a joint activity.
     
  9. Rocket Queen

    Rocket Queen New Member

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    ^^^^ fantastic answer... I am going to like you being part of this board :D
     
  10. HillyMiku

    HillyMiku New Member

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    That's so nice! Thank you!

    I've learned that there is an answer to most things and I like to make people feel less insecure with whatever fantasies they might have - even if I have to scour the internet to show them proof that someone else likes it too!
     
  11. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Well, thanks for the fantastic answers! I couldn't agree more, sex is adult playtime! We don't get much playtime as adults...make it fun and playful for both parties (or more if that happens to be the case! :lol).

    I actually asked that question because it's something two of my close friends are struggling with. They've been married a long time, she's still quite sexually inhibited, and he's quite selfish about how he spends his time outside the bedroom. End result...not much of a sex life. Shock, shock, right? Not surprisingly, she'll talk to me about it and he'll complain to me about it. I keep encouraging her to ask for (actually, insist on) what she needs/wants from the relationship as a whole...if you don't tell someone what you want and you don't get it..well, that's your own fault for not speaking up, right? I keep encouraging him to actually spend time attempting to connect with her outside the bedroom, and to put her and kids first instead of his own selfish hobby pursuits (little change of that, it seems). She tries to create change, but just isn't confrontational enough and actually doesn't want to hurt him. He listens, but doesn't really open up to her, and doesn't really make the changes she asks for when she's brave enough to ask (and she lets him get away with that). She feels like he should (for instance) spend time with her because he actually wants to, not because she asked him to. I keep telling her "in fairtale land, yes!...but we're in the real world...you have to tell him what you want, don't expect him to read your mind!". She gets the idea, but just needs encouragement to be brave. I keep telling him "if you give her what she needs outside the bedroom, she'll give you what you need inside the bedroom". I get no response (so I kinda understand how she feels)...I don't know if that simply doesn't register for him, or if he's just too stubborn to do it.

    BD
     
  12. rugbylad82

    rugbylad82 New Member

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    Sorry to hijack the thread Hilly but im gonna go offtopic a bit

    thats cause we (us blokes) hate to hear what we already know BD, he knows what he needs to do, so you telling him isnt what he wants to hear so he ignores it. My advice find out why he isnt already telling her these things or doing these things (probably male pride) and help him to find a way to do it without feeling like he is doing this (loosing pride).

    Or you could try tough love and tell him to get the f**k over himself and be man and say how he feels, whichever you think will work for you friend.

    Just my 2c.

    Thanks you can have your thread back now :)
     
  13. HillyMiku

    HillyMiku New Member

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    The funny part wih the sexes and sex is this: if women would initiate more and not wait for the man to do it- men may not feel so inclined to say "she never does anything for me" and if women would tell the man "this feels good; put your hand here; I want to try something new..." they would feel more pleasure.

    I try to get some of my patients to understand this...
     
  14. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    I've talked to him quite a bit about your first idea. Their "love languages" don't exactly match (his main one is acts of service, her main ones are quality time and touch)...I see her do plenty for him (except give him sex), and he spends very little quality time with her, and most of the touch is sexual advances rather than just affection. I've suggested to him that he *see* spending quality time with his wife and kids as an act of service to them...he agreed that's a great way to see it, but he continues to spend all of his free time just doing his own thing.

    I haven't given him the real "tough love" talk yet, but I'm sure I will one day. I do keep coaching his wife on just being more assertive, though. If you don't get what you want because you didn't ask, then it's your own fault...if you ask (or insist in his case...seems to be what you have to do with selfish folks) and don't get it, then it's the other person's shortcoming.

    BD
     
  15. rugbylad82

    rugbylad82 New Member

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    true true