Of threesomes, fairness, and the logic behind it

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by Texas_Red, Mar 14, 2011.

  1. Texas_Red

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    So I've seen a sentiment expressed numerous times here on SF by both male and female in regard to threesomes that has always kind of bugged me but I never really said anything about. It recently showed up again in this thread and I decided to voice my lack of understanding on this sentiment. What is this sentiment? Well, quite simply it's the idea of one person in a heterosexual relationship thinking/deciding they'd like to have a threesome that involves another person of the opposite sex, but being against the idea of a threesome involving another person of the same sex.

    Now to begin with, situations involving BDSM type relationships of a Dom/sub or Master/slave nature, and situations where the person wanting a threesome wants the third person to be the same sex as themselves and/or is open to threesomes working both ways don't figure into this.

    I am not posting this as an attack, this is solely for me to try to understand the thought process behind the decision.

    So that said, for those of you who have decided you'd like to have/want a threesome, but you're only okay with it if the third party is the opposite sex, and you're not okay with it being the other way, why? How do you reconcile that in your head?

    Coming from my own perspective, if you want something like that, then you need to be willing to go the other way with it too or it just ain't happening. Fair may not figure into it when you're the sub/slave in a BDSM relationship, but it certainly applies to the standard vanilla relationship (IMO). If my SO came to me with that I'd be incredibly offended, personally.
     
  2. DarkJewel

    DarkJewel New Member

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    Ok,I understand your views on this Big Red...
    I'm gonna take a few guesses of why I think some people feel the way you described.
    One,is that (maybe) some people are so jealous of their same sex,they can't get over that to participate with them sexually.
    Some can't get over that competition feeling?

    Also,maybe it is a factor of how open people are with gayness.A lot of us don't think having one of these kinds of 3 somes makes us gay,but if someone isn't in touch with themselves and comfortable with those feelings,maybe they'd also be less likely to want to...

    Personally,I have no problem with either scenario.I agree what is good for one is only fair for the other.If someone was open to trying something for me,I would want to try something for them in return.
     
  3. Trond

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    Good question. It's really not an ideal situation in my book. I mostly fantasize about one-on-one situations. The reason why I have been thinking more about threesomes lately is that my sexual relationship with my wife doesn't really work (for reasons I have explained here). I am a little icky about telling my wife "darling, I'm off to sleep with another woman now", so ideally I would like her to be involved somehow. Naively enough, I was fantasizing about another woman getting it on with both of us, perhaps teaching my wife a thing or two. In my fantasy world I wouldn't mind having two girlfriends. I know, probably not the most likely scenario.

    Would I be OK with another man having sex with me and my wife? It certainly wouldn't fit into my fantasies, nor those of my wife. Seems like a lose-lose situation in other words.
     
  4. DarkJewel

    DarkJewel New Member

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    I totally relate with what you're saying here too...based on my own experiences with issues with my marriage.
    My question to you though,is how would you feel if while you decided to have two girlfriends (your wife and another woman) if your wife also saw someone else? Another guy?

    I can totally understand not wanting to break up,but also wanting to see other people.But then,in fairness,would you allow your spouse that same freedom?
    I see someone else,but also allow my husband the same.He hasn't yet,but he knows he can if he wants to.
     
  5. Trond

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    At this point, I would be happy as long as she comes home to me at the end of the day (or at least the end of the week). Seriously.

    It's an odd scenario though, since my wife's problem seems to be lack of libido, but I guess fair is fair.
     
  6. DarkJewel

    DarkJewel New Member

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    I'll let ya know

    My husband is the same.He says he doesn't want to find another woman,but that I can do what I want.

    So maybe another answer to Red's question is that perhaps the other person doesn't always desire it.They just go along with what they think will make their spouse happy?
     
  7. Texas_Red

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    But to me that would fit into the "moot" category. I am mainly targeting the active interest of one party to have a threesome involving another of the opposite sex, while at the same time having no intention of being okay with the idea of a threesome involving another of the same sex, especially before even bringing it up to the SO.
     
  8. Trond

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    Just as a thought experiment, I think this is how it sometimes goes in cases where a couple actually decides to have a threesome (although this is totally imaginary). Example:
    Man:"I have a fantasy of having sex with you and another woman, but I would not like to have sex with another man"
    Woman:"I like the idea of a threesome. Another man or woman would both be hot."
    Man:"OK! So let's try inviting another woman then!"

    In a reasonably decent couple, if anyone at any point says that something is not OK, then it's off the table, but if one partner is more flexible than the other, then there's still a way of making both happy. Sexual fantasies are complex things, and the more flexible partner may have his or her own hangups in other cases, but involving something that would actually be a turnoff for one of the two would clearly not work.
     
  9. Texas_Red

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    Yeah, I get that situation and how because the other is completely open to it/okay with it, it's fine. It still just seems kind of, well, selfish, for one to want something but have no willingness to do the same for the SO.

    I'll use myself as an example. I decide I'd like to have a threesome that involves another chick, but I want nothing to do with a guy. I don't even consider how fucked up that is for my SO, *and* I go ahead and bring it up, making it clear I have no interest in allowing her the opportunity to show interest in a MFM threesome.

    That would make me an incredibly selfish prick, regardless of her answer, simply because I made up my mind in a one sided fashion, with no regard to how my SO might feel or what she might want.
     
  10. dan17

    dan17 New Member

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    yes definitely correct, also it something about the fetish if they really want to go for threesome it should be open to all scenario, just go with the flow... sometimes trying at the first time really a bit shy but once go with it and nothing awkward everything will be okay:flip
     
  11. lovn_my_bbw

    lovn_my_bbw New Member

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    well i am more interested in same sex threesomes and have no interest in opposite sex threesomes........so im of no real help to your curiosity.
     
  12. DarkJewel

    DarkJewel New Member

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    I'll let ya know

    To not even consider their lover's wishes or desires while pushing for their own does seem selfish,no doubt.

    But maybe (some of it) it has to do with our own relationships with the same sex.
    Some girls can share everything together.Have many close friendships with other girls.
    Others,maybe don't get along with girls or have trouble trusting them.
    Maybe they think the girl will try to steal their man after a 3some or something.Maybe they have had other girls stab them in the back in the past.So obviously they would be much more closed off to having another female in the bedroom.
    With guys...
    well,some do everything with their guy friends.They are are used to ALWAYS having other guys around,so the extra presence during sex wouldn't bother them either.
    Some guys though,who maybe have trust issues or are real competitive, usually don't like a lot of other guys.Guys are just so competitive anyways as it is...


    So I'm going to go back to sexual Competition, Jealousy,insecurity,sexism,and narcissism as (some) reasons people
    would refuse a 3some with their same sex and spouse.
    Not attractive qualities perhaps,but no one is perfect.These things can get so complicated.


    When I was gone on my little break from here,I finally had a MFM threesome with my husband and lover.Both were only doing it for me,and neither was very comfortable with another guy,for sure.
    For that reason,it was NOT a good experience for me at all.
    Extremely tense and awkward before,during and after!
    Only,the person who I thought would have the most problem with it (my husband) was actually fine.It was my lover who was the issue.
    I'd have rather him voiced his discontent with the situation and tell me he did not want to do it BEFORE hand,then be the spectacle he was DURING.
    He grabbed a pillow and put it over his head the ENTIRE time! It was like fucking a corpse.My husband and I would have had more fun with a dildo.

    So,my long winded point,is that while it may seem selfish,some people just have limits.They just are not comfortable.Is it better for them to be selfish about those limits,or to push them into an awkward situation to be "fair"?

    I can definitely see both sides of the coin here...
     
  13. cbrmale

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    I have had threesomes of both gender mixes, and I find two male and one female threesomes to be the most exciting. Two women with one man, me, was nice and pretty, but rather tame. Men really aren't built for fully satisfying two women at once, although one of those FFM threesomes was with a lesbian and a bisexual girl, so it didn't fall back to me (it was her and her, and then me and her).

    The two men with one woman works better because a woman can take all two men have to give her, and still be capable of more! Not only that, every single time it's been the most amazingly powerful situation: all that energy and lust directed at one woman, who's loving every moment of it. The fact that it's two men naked in a sexual situation, me and someone else, is irrelevant. I'm not the least bit bisexual, so I set the terms that this is heterosexual and it's for her, and from then on I'm comfortable.

    I suggest those men who desire two women at once are probably attracted to the surfeit of feminine beauty that this scenario provides, and it does do that. Maybe they are uncomfortable with the idea of being up close to another naked man in a sexual situation. Initially I felt that way until I decided to try it out, and then I was converted. So I suspect the two men and one woman threesome has a bit of both: the desire to be ravised by two lovely women at the same time and avoidance of a sexual situation with another man.

    Another interesting thread in this thread are the individuals who aren't interested in other partners for sex, but are happy to have their spouses experiment as long as they come home again. I have this situation as well: my wife is only interested in me but is happy to share me as long as she's my number one.
     
  14. backcheck64

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    The wife and I have absolutely no interest in a threesome of any kind be it mmf, ffm, fff, mmm. Over the years we've been approached a couple of times and theres no way in hell.
     
  15. awakened

    awakened New Member

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    In the beginning of our or my sexual awakening , I was only interested in having mfm and didnt want another female in any capacity, now that I have flourished , I look forward to any type of get-together. Especially after my first real female action this past weekend. Oh Damn, HOT !!!!!
     
  16. Trond

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    I think you get some of the various cases right here, although only few apply to me. Guys often are competitive, and it annoys me. Jelousy I'm sure is very important in many cases, but I'm not so sure about myself. Earlier, yes, but now I just want my wife to stay with me. I think our sexual life has taken a lot of damage from her problems and complaining, so I may have gone "cold" when it comes to her sleeping with others. My wife can be jealous though, but only in cases that some might find "extreme", as in me actually planning to sleep with someone else. She is not so jealous about strippers for instance. Back to myself: insecurity, I don't think I feel insecure in general, well perhaps a little. Sexism: the only person who ever called me sexist was a (male) Swedish feminist who seemed a bit extreme to me. I suppose that if enjoying strip tease is sexist, then yes I am, but women generally have no problems with me. I once overheard the women at work talking about my "character", and I was actually very flattered :). Narcissism I personally don't think I have much of this, unless feeling that I deserve a better sex life qualifies. I have sometimes felt like a loser, but I am not generally a self-hater nor too much of a self-lover.

    The main reason why I'm not enthusiastic about involving other men is physical though: I don't find men attractive, but women very much so. My wife often expresses admiration for female beauty, and this is one major reason why she likes to see belly dancers doing their thing, and she likes to see Shakira live as well. I have never felt like that about any guy, famous or not.
     
  17. cbrmale

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    I may add a little more here. I have had a number of threesomes where we were all had sex with the woman, and I have had two of a different sort where it was the wife and I having sex and her husband watching us (for the man performing, this scenario isn't for the faint of heart, and certainly requires a lot of sexual self-confidence). In all cases bar one, it was the man who contacted me, not his wife. In one case the man posed as his wife, but I knew when we met that it was him emailing me and not her. In all cases bar that one, I never contacted or wrote or spoke to the wife until we actually met.

    I have a threesome lined up later this month where a couple are coming from Sydney to meet me. Again it's been arranged by him, he's sent me some pictures of his wife in lingerie and one of himself, I have spoken to him, and I will first speak to her (and she to me) immediately prior. Despite that I'm sort-of confident that this is what I've been seeking: they are middle-aged, middle-class, well educated, settled and wishing to have a long-term semi-regular affair in my city and their city. Like all sex, threesomes are better when you get to know each other's sexual personnas better. So something long-term and semi-regular is what I'm really after.
     
  18. DarkJewel

    DarkJewel New Member

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    Well I definitely did not intend my reasons to explain why you didn't want a MfM threesome.Everyone is different.They were just a few reasons of (maybe) why some would feel that way.
    The sexist and narcissist ones would be more for the type of man who only cared about his pleasure and thinks women are lesser then him and there only to please him.Like,someone who just looked at the women as mere objects and only wanted to brag about the endeavor to other guys.

    Generally I think jealousy and feeling competitive are probably the biggest reasons.We are hard wired to feel those emotions and they can be hard to shake.
    Simply not finding the same sex attractive at all,is certainly another good reason.:)
     
  19. newbie1

    newbie1 New Member

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    I am a flip-flopper on the subject. I have never really been into it either way that much. However, Though she's offered it before and I said no, I think I would now say yes. I think sometimes it matters how much you trust a person. If you are careful and make sure that the other person is just basically there as a sex toy that you will never see again. Then maybe it could work. She has also mentioned interest in it with another man. I don't think before I completely trusted her I could have but again, if conducted in a smart manner, maybe it would just be an interesting night. I love to see my wife in pleasure, so, as long as it wouldn't threaten our relationship I would be up for it. However, I would not be ok with it if I wasn't involved either way.
     
  20. Cappy_Dick

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    Unless the couple are both bi and both would welcome a third of either sex, the thought of entertaining a threesome is a bad idea. Sex is supposed to be mutual and enjoyable. Unless there is an understanding, first between the couple and then with the third, it's just a likely formula for disaster. If everyone involved is doing it for the right reasons, it can be great. If not, one or more is likely to feel left out and/or hurt.

    Having two of the people awkwardly trying to avoid any contact just spoils things and one can end up feeling left out or not being given equal attention.

    The same goes for a bi third with a bi partner. Different people have different levels of comfort with the same sex. Some people are only comfortable with seeing and touching. Some may be comfortable with oral, but not with kissing. Also, many men that identify as being bi, may have no desire for giving and/or receiving anal.

    You also have to be open to having an opposite third. Even though your partner may not have had a past interest, if they want it in the future and you refuse, they will feel hurt and/or betrayed.

    I speak from experience. I have had it both ways. When there is total understanding before hand, it can be mind blowing. When there's not, it can range anywhere from feeling awkward, to downright disaster.

    Think before you go into action.

    xx